Affair exposed in front of family

[s]

I hope this is the right forum, or maybe it belongs in the family forum.  So please move it if necessary.


So I met my now dh when I was technically with someone else.  My bf at the time and I were doing the long distance thing.  Not that that's an excuse for having an affair but anyways I hope there's no judgement here. 

My dh and I worked together so that's how we ended up meeting.  So I was planning to take a trip up north for a weekend and dh, then the "other man" at the time, asked if he could come with.  I really wasn't expecting this and just said if he could manage to get the time off sure.  It was hard to get time off, especially weekends at our work so I didn't think it would happen.  He got the time off though so he came with.  I was meeting my aunt and uncle while up there so I introduced him as a friend.  They immediately fell in love with him (they told me so afterwards) and have always told me they were so happy we ended up together.  You know after we officially announced that we were together and all.  No one had any knowledge of the affair that happened before that.  I'm sure they had their suspicions but it's really none of their business.

So this past Thanksgiving my uncle from up north was down for the holiday.  Dh and I were spending it at BIL's house with other BIL and SIL and my little sister.  So we're eating and having conversation and my uncle flat out asks me "So that time you two came up north, you were together then weren't you?"  I was so not expecting that, that all I could do was answer with the truth and simply said yes.  Of course EVERYONE at the table decided to turn their eyes on us at that time (when they were just previously engulfed in their own conversations!) and ask what he meant.  And my uncle repeated that I was with someone else when I met dh.  I, like an idiot, just repeated "Yeah I was with someone else..."  and then everyone was still staring so I tried to make a joke of it and added "But he stole me away."

I hate to think what my 2 BILs and SIL think of me now!  And I'm angry for my uncle bringing up something that #1 wasn't even his business and #2 in front of my dh's family!  I haven't really talked to my uncle since.  Dh and I were supposed to meet him later that Thanksgiving weekend for a family dinner but when I realized it was with some members of the family that I had had a recent falling out with I declined going.  I just said something came up and we couldn't go.  He never responded to that.  He's on my facebook and just recently it was his birthday so I wished him a happy birthday and he "liked" that. 

I feel like things are awkward with us now possibly because I confirmed the affair, and because I didn't go to the other dinner that weekend.  I just don't know.  Of course I feel wronged at the same time because that affair was not his nor anybody else's business and he made it everyone's business!  How would you all have handled something like this? 

I think they plan to visit this year, plus dh and I wanted to visit up north, not just to see them but we like that city as well.  So I'm sure I will see them.  I really don't like confrontations and what's done is done so should I just act like nothing happened and if they bring it up then discuss it?

[WillyNilly]

You weren't engaged or married to this other guy, right?  Just long distance dating?

Cheating is never nice or moral or anything good, but dating relationships have a much greater degrees of flexibility in seeing other people then marriages or even engagements.  If the situation comes up again I would simply downplay the whole topic and basically point out you were merely dating not engaged or married and oh how about that beandip...  Whatever level of commitment you had with your ex-boyfriend is really no longer relevant or anyone's business.

[EMuir]

The question from your uncle was incredibly rude.   


It sounds like you really feel guilty about having an affair, and are assuming everyone will judge you like you judge yourself.  However, you have to live with your past actions and not assume that people are going to treat you differently.  I'd continue with your plans and only change if your relatives actually do or say something that shows they want to cut down on seeing you.

[gramma dishes]

I don't think I understand.  You were "with" someone else?  But you weren't engaged or married to him or anything, right?  So how is that 'cheating'?  Maybe kinda, sorta.  But not in the sense that we usually think of it.

As far as your Uncle goes, I wish you had just said "I have no idea what you're talking about.  (beandip)"  But then I'm sure you've thought of that too, right?   

Now that's it's a done deal, I wouldn't mention it again.  You're not exactly a candidate for the 'World's Greatest Sinner' award on this one.  So if you can, just let it go. 

[Knitterly]

It's none of your BILs or SILs business and your uncle was horribly out of line in bringing it to EVERYONE's attention, especially since you are now married.  I learned as a teenager (through my grandmother) that my father was actually ENGAGED to someone else when he proposed to my mother.  They've been married nearly 50 years.

Sometimes good manners involves politely pretending something never happened.

Moving on in this case would be best done by not bringing it up or apologizing for it to anyone.  You don't owe anyone an explanation.  Your uncle, however, owes you one.  I doubt you'll get it, and I wouldn't bother asking for it, but he was out of line, not you.

[Surianne]

I'll be the odd one out.  Unless I'm misunderstanding, you introduced them to the guy you were cheating with?  Then I think you involved them in your cheating without their permission, and probably should have predicted that they'd have questions when you dumped your boyfriend for the man you were cheating with.

Some people just aren't comfortable with cheating, even if it's a boyfriend situation rather than a husband or fiance.  I'm one of those people.  I would have been pretty angry that you made me a party to cheating and expected me to keep quiet about it.  You say it wasn't your uncle's business, but you made it his business.

So the question was rude, I suppose, but I think in involving them, you were unfortunately asking for it.

[SamiHami]

You didn't have an affair. An affair is when one or both of the parties is married. You had a boyfriend, and while it might not have been the ideal way to transition from one boyfriend to another, you really didn't do anything wrong.

As for uncle or anyone else who asks nosy questions, all you need to say is "oh, who worries about old boyfriends. I'm with DH now and that's all that matters."

My parents have been married 51 years. Turns out dad was engaged to another woman when he married mom. Not his most shining moment, I'm sure. But was it an "affair" with my mother? No. He realized that the other woman was not the right one for him before he made a lifelong commitment to her. Once he met and realized Mom was the right one, he married her immediately (very brief courtship).

[ilrag]

I don't think I understand.  You were "with" someone else?  But you weren't engaged or married to him or anything, right?  So how is that 'cheating'?  Maybe kinda, sorta.  But not in the sense that we usually think of it.
 

To quote one of my favorite (not pc or g rated in the least) advice columns cheating is:

Willfully participating or conspiring to participate in an act of intimacy with the foreknowledge that your partner would reasonably consider that act to be a breach of the mutually understood and agreed upon terms of the relationship.

So it seems to me that the OP was cheating.

[MrsJWine]

I think cheating on a husband or fiance is on a whole different plane from cheating on a boyfriend. But I still agree with Surianne; cheating on a boyfriend is a terribly hurtful thing to do to a person, and I wouldn't appreciate a family member involving me in that, and if she did, it wouldn't occur to me that it wasn't okay to talk about.

[Perfect Circle]

Cheating is cheating, whether you're exclusively together, engaged, married or whatever. You are breaking a promise of some sort you've made to someone.

I would not appreciate being unintentionally part of the cheating. I also would assume that if someone was happy to bring their new partner to my home, I could talk about it.

[Ceallach]

He was definitely rude to ask that question in front of people, and I think you handled it as best you could.

I also agree with Surianne - you put them in an awkward position by making them privy to your affair.   It can be uncomfortable for people to essentially have that information put into their hands but being unsure what they're supposed to say / not say.  I could imagine Uncle & Aunt wondering about it all of these years, and whether it was meant to be some big secret they kept.   None of that excuses him calling you out on it publicly though.  That was still rude.   But I think you had to accept that your affair wasn't secret, and therefore it was likely that your friends and family would find out at some point.   You say you "hate to think" what people think of you, but well, it's the truth - and that does have a way of making it's way out.  Yes there are people who will judge you, just accept that and move on.  Let them think what they want to think.  After all, you *did* have an affair, and some people have very strong opinions about that.  Nothing you can do or say now will change that.

I wonder would you feel the same way if Uncle had inadvertently revealed that you and your DH were visiting together at that time, and the rest of the family had reached the conclusion on their own?    Because it's not fair to expect them to keep it secret.  The public outing, yes that was rude. But the family knowing about the affair?  I'm afraid that's just the truth coming out.

[WonderWoman]

I think there are two different things going on here. One is the cheating scenario the other is the uncle's comment.

I am of the opinion that cheating is cheating. Sure, cheating on a spouse with whom you've taken vows is way more serious than cheating on someone you're dating. But either way, it is cheating. It's like, me stealing a candy bar from a convenience store and or a bank teller taking a bag of money from the bank are both stealing, but one is a bigger deal.

However, her cheating on a past boyfriend some time ago is REALLY none of her uncle's business. If he had a problem with it, then he should have said something to the OP years (I'm assuming years?) ago when she visited him with then-Other Man. Or he could have had a private conversation with her about it at any other time.

Bringing it up out of the blue in front of others was extremely rude. I'm sure many people have done things that they would prefer not to be part of dinner conversation. Frankly, it seems bizarre. Either he was purposely trying to put the OP on the spot or he is completely clueless.

[Bibliophile]

If you're in a relationship that is supposed to be monogamous, cheating is cheating. It's just less hassle for everyone involved if you're not married.   I'm going to have to agree with Surianne 100% on this one.  And the OP stated she cheated so I'm not sure why people are arguing about whether or not she cheated. 

I think that maybe you should have a discussion with your uncle.  Apologize for putting him in that position and suggest that you both put the past behind you.

[AustenFan]

I'll be the odd one out.  Unless I'm misunderstanding, you introduced them to the guy you were cheating with?  Then I think you involved them in your cheating without their permission, and probably should have predicted that they'd have questions when you dumped your boyfriend for the man you were cheating with.

Some people just aren't comfortable with cheating, even if it's a boyfriend situation rather than a husband or fiance.  I'm one of those people.  I would have been pretty angry that you made me a party to cheating and expected me to keep quiet about it.  You say it wasn't your uncle's business, but you made it his business.

So the question was rude, I suppose, but I think in involving them, you were unfortunately asking for it.

POD Surianne, you're not the odd one out.

I think you put your aunt & uncle in an incredibly awkward situation by bringing your now DH, especially if they knew the man you were with at the time. You did something inappropriate in a public way and are upset because you got called on it & I believe you would be upset even if they hadn't asked in front of others.

I'm not going to get into the definition of affair or cheating. You feel you cheated, that's enough for me.

[Mrs.E]

I agree with Surianne and ilrag. You invited your family into your affair when you brought your husband to meet them .

There are much better ways to "transition" from one boyfriend to the next. Like breaking up with one before dating another.

There are plenty of people on this board that are not married or engaged, but sleeping with another person would be considered an affair. Saying just because they weren't engaged or married makes this a lesser offense is probably rather offensive to them.

To the OP, if you don't want to talk about it, just beandip next time. Maybe you could mention to him you don't wish to discuss your relationship with the family.