Author Topic: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been  (Read 7885 times)

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Sabbyfrog2

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #15 on: February 08, 2012, 02:44:14 PM »
Thanks... I'll bring it up with Carl if anyone else asks about it. I just hate hurting people's feelings.  :-[

Yeah.  This guy has kind of earned having his feelings hurt a little.  What's he trying to do?  Socially pressure you into going out with him?  Using your reputation to boost his own?  Warn off other guys until he gets his nerve up to ask you out?  None of that is laudable.  None of that is even acceptable.

And he's lying about you.  Maybe he's not telling everyone you eat children for breakfast with toast and juice, but the fact remains that he's lying.  About you.

It's your dating life and your reputation.  Take it back like a snatched purse.

This. is. brilliant.


Twik

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #16 on: February 08, 2012, 02:52:07 PM »
EvilTwik is whispering that if you *really* want to torpedo Carl's reputation, after laughing hysterically about the thought of you and Carl being an item, ask, "... you know about Carl, right? No? What don't you know? Oh, I've said too much already, let's change the subject...."
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Editeer

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #17 on: February 08, 2012, 05:26:09 PM »
So, if someone actually told you that he said you were together, why can't you call him out on it?

"Carl, my friend Mark told me that you said we were dating.  Did you tell him that and if so, why?"

If Carl denies it, then you just correct the misconception when it comes out.  If he doesn't, then have "the talk" with him.

I agree with this.    Obviously don't come off accusatory (e.g. "Why did you tell people we're dating?")  but more mystified and wanting to clear up whether he did say that to people or not. Make sure you ask it outright as bah has stated (did you tell him that) not just beating around the bush.  It will be interesting to see how he responds. I suspect he'll deny it.




I agree with these posts. If Carl is saying or implying things that aren't true, it's appropriate to call him on it, politely.
Another way to word it could be--

"Carl, several folks seem to think that we're boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know where they could have gotten that impression. Do you?"

That's not accusing him of saying anything, or even asking him outright if he did. But it definitely lets him know that you know what he's doing, and that you are not OK with it. Personally, I would find that less awkward to say than to ask him directly, "Why did you say that?" (Although this conversation would feel very awkward no matter what!)

sweetonsno

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #18 on: February 08, 2012, 06:41:45 PM »

I would react more strongly if someone asks you about your boyfriend.  "Boyfriend?  But I don't have a boyfriend!"  "Carl?  Oh good grief, no!  I barely know the guy."

For Carl, I'd back off, and go to polite but distant. Don't be rude, but don't really respond to his conversational overtures. If he pushes it, then laugh and say "Oh, people have been assuming we're dating, and I don't want to give the wrong impression. It might scare off eligible guys."

The only time I've experience something like this was with a guy who was nice, but fairly young, socially awkward, and very inexperienced. The novelty of being friendly with a woman was unusual enough for him that he greatly over-estimated the nature of the relationship. If he doesn't fit in that category, I'd be kind of wary about him, because implying to people that you're dating someone who you only interact with in public social situations is getting kind of creepy.

This actually might be what is going on. He's thirty, awkward as heck, and quite inexperienced. He might think that the fact that I am nice to him and greet him with a smile means that I am interested. I used to chat with him for a few minutes at the tastings, but recently have stopped saying anything but hello at the tastings (except in a group conversation).

Ceallach

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #19 on: February 08, 2012, 10:47:13 PM »

I would react more strongly if someone asks you about your boyfriend.  "Boyfriend?  But I don't have a boyfriend!"  "Carl?  Oh good grief, no!  I barely know the guy."

For Carl, I'd back off, and go to polite but distant. Don't be rude, but don't really respond to his conversational overtures. If he pushes it, then laugh and say "Oh, people have been assuming we're dating, and I don't want to give the wrong impression. It might scare off eligible guys."

The only time I've experience something like this was with a guy who was nice, but fairly young, socially awkward, and very inexperienced. The novelty of being friendly with a woman was unusual enough for him that he greatly over-estimated the nature of the relationship. If he doesn't fit in that category, I'd be kind of wary about him, because implying to people that you're dating someone who you only interact with in public social situations is getting kind of creepy.

This actually might be what is going on. He's thirty, awkward as heck, and quite inexperienced. He might think that the fact that I am nice to him and greet him with a smile means that I am interested. I used to chat with him for a few minutes at the tastings, but recently have stopped saying anything but hello at the tastings (except in a group conversation).

That seems wise, avoid any appearances that might support the rumour. 

Do update us when you get the chance to ask him about it!
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


PeterM

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #20 on: February 09, 2012, 02:50:24 AM »
Someone needs to inform Carl that the ol' fake girlfriend trick only works when you tell people that she lives a fair distance away. Canada is traditional, for Americans. You can also go with "I met her at camp," but only if you're young enough that it isn't creepy and/or illegal.

Mikayla

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #21 on: February 09, 2012, 03:43:15 PM »
Editeer... that's exactly the problem. He apparently has been saying/implying that we're an item. Sample conversation:

Mark: How's your boyfriend?
Me: What boyfriend?
Mark: You know, that guy who comes in here, what's his name...
Me: You don't mean Carl, do you?
Mark: Yeah, him.
Me: He's not my boyfriend.
Mark: Really? I thought...
Me: No. I never see him outside of the tastings. Did he say that we were
Mark: Well, um... yeah, he kind of did.



For something like this, I think it's imperative to know exactly what was said before you respond.  And I'm still not clear on that.  For one thing, on the bolded, your question and Mark's response are rather vague.  What is "kind of did"?  Also, is Mark a reliable person?  Have others said the same thing?

I sound like an interrogator, but that's because I agree with you that if he's actually saying the two of you are dating, this is bothersome.  I just haven't seen anything that proves this. 

Obviously, you want to detach from Carl as quickly and politely as you can, but if he's actually lying to people, I personally would say something more strongly worded to him.

bopper

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #22 on: February 10, 2012, 03:50:31 PM »
It is also possible that these fellow wine tasters only see you at wine testings, and whenever you are there Carl is there. Carl probably tries to sit near you. So the other tasters begin to associate you two together.  Carl may also talk to you and talk about you.  So alot of this could be because of all that and not necessarily because he is explicitly saying anything.

sweetonsno

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #23 on: February 10, 2012, 04:04:25 PM »
Editeer... that's exactly the problem. He apparently has been saying/implying that we're an item. Sample conversation:

Mark: How's your boyfriend?
Me: What boyfriend?
Mark: You know, that guy who comes in here, what's his name...
Me: You don't mean Carl, do you?
Mark: Yeah, him.
Me: He's not my boyfriend.
Mark: Really? I thought...
Me: No. I never see him outside of the tastings. Did he say that we were
Mark: Well, um... yeah, he kind of did.



For something like this, I think it's imperative to know exactly what was said before you respond.  And I'm still not clear on that.  For one thing, on the bolded, your question and Mark's response are rather vague.  What is "kind of did"?  Also, is Mark a reliable person?  Have others said the same thing?

I sound like an interrogator, but that's because I agree with you that if he's actually saying the two of you are dating, this is bothersome.  I just haven't seen anything that proves this. 

Obviously, you want to detach from Carl as quickly and politely as you can, but if he's actually lying to people, I personally would say something more strongly worded to him.

I've had a number of people ask me if Carl and I were dating and seem surprised when I immediately said no. I asked three of them if Carl had said so, and they all said yes. I didn't press for details, though. I suspect that this wasn't Carl volunteering information about our "relationship." If I had to guess, I'd say that Carl responded to queries directed at him in the affirmative, or was deliberately vague rather than simply saying, "No, Sweet and I our not dating."

I haven't heard any more questions about it, so I suspect one of the guys who asked me and heard the truth has perhaps spread the word. (The other regulars often do things outside of the tastings.) I think I'll maintain a polite chill with Carl for now. I don't especially like creating drama. If it comes up again, though, I'll definitely call him out. Fingers crossed that my "Oh, God no!" reaction has corrected the misconception about my relationship status. 

Twik

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2012, 08:05:48 PM »
It is also possible that these fellow wine tasters only see you at wine testings, and whenever you are there Carl is there. Carl probably tries to sit near you. So the other tasters begin to associate you two together.  Carl may also talk to you and talk about you.  So alot of this could be because of all that and not necessarily because he is explicitly saying anything.

Again,  it's actually pretty offensive to start assuming people are "together" simply because they are of opposite gender and spend time within a few feet of each other now and then.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

travestine

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2012, 08:59:05 PM »
Editeer... that's exactly the problem. He apparently has been saying/implying that we're an item. Sample conversation:

Mark: How's your boyfriend?
Me: What boyfriend?
Mark: You know, that guy who comes in here, what's his name...
Me: You don't mean Carl, do you?
Mark: Yeah, him.
Me: He's not my boyfriend.
Mark: Really? I thought...
Me: No. I never see him outside of the tastings. Did he say that we were
Mark: Well, um... yeah, he kind of did.



For something like this, I think it's imperative to know exactly what was said before you respond.  And I'm still not clear on that.  For one thing, on the bolded, your question and Mark's response are rather vague.  What is "kind of did"?  Also, is Mark a reliable person?  Have others said the same thing?

I sound like an interrogator, but that's because I agree with you that if he's actually saying the two of you are dating, this is bothersome.  I just haven't seen anything that proves this. 

Obviously, you want to detach from Carl as quickly and politely as you can, but if he's actually lying to people, I personally would say something more strongly worded to him.

I've had a number of people ask me if Carl and I were dating and seem surprised when I immediately said no. I asked three of them if Carl had said so, and they all said yes. I didn't press for details, though. I suspect that this wasn't Carl volunteering information about our "relationship." If I had to guess, I'd say that Carl responded to queries directed at him in the affirmative, or was deliberately vague rather than simply saying, "No, Sweet and I our not dating."

I haven't heard any more questions about it, so I suspect one of the guys who asked me and heard the truth has perhaps spread the word. (The other regulars often do things outside of the tastings.) I think I'll maintain a polite chill with Carl for now. I don't especially like creating drama. If it comes up again, though, I'll definitely call him out. Fingers crossed that my "Oh, God no!" reaction has corrected the misconception about my relationship status.

The person who "created the drama" was Carl.  This is a time when you have to stand up and make clear what your relationship is - to do otherwise strikes me as a bit PA. 

This may be the first time you've had to handle a situation like this but if you're less than 30 yrs old and single, it probably won't be the last.  Now would be a good time to get in practise with saying "no, we aren't involved.  We went to high school together and I haven't seen him since. I can't imagine why he would think we're dating".  Don't wait for "word to get around" - the word should come from YOU.

There are those people (male and female) who take advantage of other peoples' good nature (even if unintentionally) and try to inflate their own reputations.  It could be that he told one small white lie (or lied by not clearing up a misconception) and now he's stuck and can't bring himself to be honest without loss of face.  It's up to you to set the record straight as often as is necessary, and to Carl if required.
"A "no" uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a "yes" merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble."
  Mahatma Ghandi


Yentush

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #26 on: February 13, 2012, 03:04:36 AM »
Show up a couple of times with different male friends, that should do it.

atirial

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #27 on: February 13, 2012, 04:38:39 AM »
Show up a couple of times with different male friends, that should do it.
Unfortunately, depending on what Carl says, people might then think the OP was cheating on Carl. It would be simpler just to correct them if it comes up, which has less risk of creating drama.

Danika

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #28 on: February 13, 2012, 06:49:29 AM »
The person who "created the drama" was Carl.  This is a time when you have to stand up and make clear what your relationship is - to do otherwise strikes me as a bit PA. 

This may be the first time you've had to handle a situation like this but if you're less than 30 yrs old and single, it probably won't be the last.  Now would be a good time to get in practise with saying "no, we aren't involved.  We went to high school together and I haven't seen him since. I can't imagine why he would think we're dating".  Don't wait for "word to get around" - the word should come from YOU.

There are those people (male and female) who take advantage of other peoples' good nature (even if unintentionally) and try to inflate their own reputations.  It could be that he told one small white lie (or lied by not clearing up a misconception) and now he's stuck and can't bring himself to be honest without loss of face.  It's up to you to set the record straight as often as is necessary, and to Carl if required.

POD

Especially if you are single and there is anyone in the group that you may be interested in dating.

Mikayla

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Re: Actually, we aren't together and we never have been
« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2012, 12:39:43 PM »
With the update, I agree with travestine.  It's horrible that you're in this position, but if you want to be fair to yourself, you need to clear it up quickly.  And this includes not only the direct repudiation of it to others, but to Carl himself. 

Before you put him on chill, can you find a way to tell him that whatever comments he's been making about you need to stop for good?  I guess  you could also tell him that people are beginning to spread the word that you and he are not an item, and he's going to look silly pretending otherwise.

What I'm not sure about is whether it would be rude to say this to him in front of others?   I honestly don't know.