Telling your sweetie they stink?

[Mikayla]

I think the biggest problem with this issue is that it's so borderline.  By borderline, I don't mean insignificant.  It's just that with some issues, like addiction or cheating, it's very easy to suggest that the person draw a line in the sand, lay down conditions that have to be met, and then suggest the person completely withdraw from the relationship until there's proof it can resumed.  Many would say these are total dealbreakers just because they happened.

You can't say that about this situation.  But it doesn't change the basic fact that every adult is responsible for him or herself.  Sometimes it feels "mean" to enforce this, but the only alternative is to believe that *you* have the power to change someone.  And *you* don't.

Good luck with this, OP.  I'm sorry you're going through it.

[Virg]

TurtleDove wrote:

"He has already suffered consequences but makes no changes."

This doesn't factually match with what TealDragon wrote.  She said, "He has depression and anxiety, which flare up badly only rarely (about once every two years), and he's really good about recognizing it and checking in with his doctor to manage it."  Your advice seems to revolve around an ongoing, constant issue with hygiene, but that's not what's happening here.  The rarity of the issue is what leads me to say that dealing with it by actively cleaning him is reasonable.  Carrying him through the flare-ups isn't the same as treating him like a child forevermore.

Virg

[TurtleDove]

My opinion is based on the fact the OP came here for advice, and these statements, which indicate that whatever efforts the BF may be making, they are not adequate.  Also, depression that flares up once every two years and lasts long enough for the BF to be fired and for other people in his life to consult the OP leads me to believe he is actually depressed about one quarter or more of his life, which to me is significant and recurring, not rare.

"I've gotten comments from people (his friends and my family) asking if I could address the body odor situation with him, and I've tried, but my point has never gotten across. He's also lost a job because of this, and that didn't inspire any changes either. My attempts to fix this have included buying him expensive manly bath products (he loves using them when he's feeling his best), gently suggesting that his hair would be so soft and shiny if he washed the gel out every night, setting a schedule for our day (run errands, come home, both of us shower, then we go out on a date), asking him not to hide dirty clothes, making sure I clean out the dirty clothes spots everyday and putting them in the wash, suggesting counseling to help with his depression, and I've even tried to tell him flat out that I'm concerned for him and his hygiene and that I love him so dearly and that taking care of himself might help build some love and respect for himself which might help to pull him out of his depressed phase even faster, and he's had a former boss confront him (he came home and cried and felt horrible for weeks and he wouldn't tell me exactly what she said, but I know she wasn't the queen of tact, so I can only imagine). After that boss confronted him, he didn't change his habits and they slowly started giving his work to other employees until eventually he had no work and made no money and had to quit and find a new job."

[LadyL]

"After that boss confronted him [about hygiene issues], he didn't change his habits and they slowly started giving his work to other employees until eventually he had no work and made no money and had to quit and find a new job."


I didn't catch this until TurtleDove's quoting but it really seems like he gets into a major self sabotaging mindset when he's depressed. One option he might want to talk to his doctor about is taking a medical leave from work when that happens, and getting short term intensive treatment to stabilize his mood and tweak meds as needed.  I say this because that is what I should have done from the start when I was severely depressed instead of eventually being forced to do it - it's better to take a "preventative maintenance" approach rather than let the issues pile up until everything implodes (getting fired, dumped, etc.).

It's kind of like any chronic illness - you wouldn't expect a person with a serious illness to work 40 hours a week and take care of themselves the same way as when they weren't ill, but you also wouldn't expect them to keep getting sick the same way each time without trying to change their treatment approach.

[TurtleDove]

It's kind of like any chronic illness - you wouldn't expect a person with a serious illness to work 40 hours a week and take care of themselves the same way as when they weren't ill, but you also wouldn't expect them to keep getting sick the same way each time without trying to change their treatment approach.

Well put. 

[Mental Magpie]

It's kind of like any chronic illness - you wouldn't expect a person with a serious illness to work 40 hours a week and take care of themselves the same way as when they weren't ill, but you also wouldn't expect them to keep getting sick the same way each time without trying to change their treatment approach.

Well put.

Agreed.

[rachellenore]

Talk to the doctor about it. The doctor probably isn't aware of just how much of an issue this is when he gets in his moods. If you bring it up and the doctor shrugs it off, switch doctors (easier said than done but it's a necessity).

[bopper]

"Honey, you have stopped showering again.  That means your depression is getting worse and I have made you an appointment with your doctor."

The reason people tell you to dump him is that 1) You are not married and therefore have not committed to taking care of him in sickness.  You date people because you want to see if they are a good match for you.  Willingly taking on someone who had a debilitating illness and can't really function in real life is not the way to start your life.  2) You can't change him, only yourself.  You can remove yourself from the situation.

[JoyinVirginia]

Revisiting this topic after thinking about it. Op, hope your bf is doing better.dEpression can be acute and short term, or chronic. From your description, his sounds more chronic and like he waits too long before setting his doctor. Etiquette its of limited help when the person really needs medical help. I hope he is getting some help.