RSVP Purgatory, or is it Limbo? #12, the party was great!

[Marbles]

I'm hosting a bridal shower/sit-down tea for a friend this coming Saturday. The RSVP date was this past Saturday. Of the 30 people invited, only half the people responded.  I emailed reminders on Sunday and have had all but 3 people respond. (May I say that I much prefer the late responders who are apologetic and gracious enough to ask whether they can still come.) At this point, I want to finalize the headcount.

Is it better to email the last 3 and say "It looks like things are busy for you right now. We'll miss you at the shower, but I hope to see you soon." (We are all friends of varying levels of closeness.) Or should I wait to see whether they respond "yes" and then say "no" as nicely as possible?

For fun, here is the menu:
Course 1
-          Gingersnaps with lemon curd
-          Banana muffins topped with coconut jam and crushed candied lime peel
-          Carrot – pineapple – raisin muffins (made with honey – so moist)
-          Orange scones with clotted cream
-          Seasonal fruit

Course 2
-          Chevre and herbes de provence scones spread with herbed goat cheese
-          Cucumber sandwiches
-          Chicken almond sandwiches
-          Homemade pickles
-          Fingerfood veggies

Course 3
-          red velvet mini cakes
-          shortbread dipped in chocolate
-          Moment to Myself Cheesecake (molten chocolate middle)

All with a Tiger Hill Estate Nilgiri Tea, milk, cream, sugar, splenda, vanilla sugar

[MrsCrazyPete]

Your menu sounds DELICIOUS!

I like the idea of emailing the late responders and saying something like, "it's too bad you aren't able to make it to the shower, I'll send the bride your best wishes". Or something like that. Miss Jeanne herself has said to use this idea, so go for it. As for whether or not they ask if they can come, that's up to you.

[AustenFan]

That menu sounds amazing. If I promise to promptly RSVP 'yes' is it too late to get an invite? 

I think you should wait to see if they say anything, at which point if they still want to come and you can't accommodate them say something like: 'I'm so sorry, we finalized everything earlier this week. I tried contacting you but never heard back and had to assume you weren't planning on coming.'

 

[DottyG]

What are your plans if they just show up that day?

[QueenofAllThings]

Marbles, I think it's perfectly fine to send a "we'll miss you" email. A lack of response should not be considered a 'yes'.

[O'Dell]

I thought Standard Operating Procedure was to call non-responders and press for a firm answer. Since there are only 3, that should be easy enough. And a voicemail message should be enough if they don't pick-up.

The thing about email is that it still leaves you hanging: will they get the email and read it? Will they take it seriously? are my emails going to their spam folder?  Calling them may be more trouble, but it give you more peace of mind.

[Irishkitty]

I thought Standard Operating Procedure was to call non-responders and press for a firm answer. Since there are only 3, that should be easy enough. And a voicemail message should be enough if they don't pick-up.

The thing about email is that it still leaves you hanging: will they get the email and read it? Will they take it seriously? are my emails going to their spam folder?  Calling them may be more trouble, but it give you more peace of mind.

That had me wondering too. Do you not have phone numbers for them?

When do you have to have the final count by?

[Roe]

What I usually do...email them one more time and state something like: if I don't get a response by X time, I'll assume you aren't coming.  (or something like that but in a friendly tone)

Then I give them til X time and if no response, cross them from the guest list.  Usually, however, I get a "oh sorry, yes I will be there" response.  Ugh. 

[QueenofAllThings]

She's already emailed twice. Personally I think that's enough reminders. You could go with a phone call though.

[Marbles]

That had me wondering too. Do you not have phone numbers for them?

Only for one of them, and she works odd hours. Our usual communication is by email. With the respond-by date being this past Saturday, I had hoped to finalize by Monday evening, Tuesday tops.

I'm shopping the post-Valentines Day sales for decorations and party stuff today. (It's great timing for a love-themed party!) Even with sales and all, I don't want to get too much stuff.

One of them just emailed her regrets this morning! I'm going to call the attendee list final and email the others *my* regrets.

[Marbles]

That menu sounds amazing. If I promise to promptly RSVP 'yes' is it too late to get an invite? 

I'm afraid I can't accomodate you this time.    

[gellchom]

I'm with Sway.  I would call them if you really need an exact head count; I can't tell for sure, but from your description of your lovely plans, this sounds like the kind of party where two more or less might not really change your preparations.

Of course they were wrong, and you already sent out two reminders, and you shouldn't have to do this, and you are perfectly within your rights just to consider them as declining.

And I can understand your irritation and desire to teach them a lesson.  I would feel exactly the same way.

But I think you'll be happier if you don't.  And I think that as a host for an event in honor of someone else -- presumably someone you care about a lot -- you want to be careful to avoid doing anything that can cast a pall on the party if others hear about it.  Even in your own mind, I bet you don't want this to be the main thing you think about when you think of your nice party.

I certainly would not send them a sorry-you-can't-come email.  No matter how carefully you word it, it is going to come across as snarky and punitive.  ( I assume you aren't sending sorry-you-can't-come emails to the people who did respond with regrets, right?)  And for nothing, too: you won't teach them anything -- but you might come across as preachy and petty.  You don't deserve to, but you can't control how others will react, including third parties they might tell about it (and not necessarily the way you'd want them to tell it).

Again, I want to stress that you are absolutely right and they are absolutely wrong (barring the possibility that they never got the invitation or emails or something), and I would be just as irritated as you are.  But being right isn't always the end of the analysis when deciding how to proceed.  In my experience, it always pays in the end to resist the temptation to be less gracious than we know how to be, irrespective of what the offender deserves. 

And your party does sound terrific!  I'm sure the bride will be thrilled.  Have fun!

[Marbles]

I did need an exact headcount. This was a fully seated meal (not fully plated, but small communal serving plates). I needed to know how many places to set. With the 16 yeses I had at that point, I had two full tables. Any more people coming would have meant pulling out another table, so it was important to know.

Certainly, there was plenty of food!

**The party itself**
The shower went really well. The bride had a great time! A few people posted online later that it was the best shower they had ever attended!  My DH took our kids out for the afternoon and I told him that we'd likely be done by 4 (we started at 1). When they came home at 5, most people were still here chatting. I think our last guest left around 6:30.

Folks were having such a good time talking and eating during the party that they really weren't into playing games. The bride did graciously insist on playing "pin the apostrophe on the contraction". 

There was an interesting conversational jaunt, when, as we were wrapping up, the bride was showing us the invitations (which she had just received from the printers) and someone asked whether we would all be getting one. I said "of course!" because the bride and I pulled the shower list from the wedding invite list. A couple of people said that they didn't expect that a shower invite would lead to a wedding invitation.    I can see that for a work shower or church shower, but for a social shower? I'm sad that's been their experience.

[gellchom]

Yay for you!  I'm glad your shower was a big hit.

So what did you do about the non-responders?

[cheyne]

Did either of the non-responders show up?

Sounds like a wonderful party.  I agree it's sad that some women there had been invited to wedding showers before but not the wedding.