uninvited guest for valentines day dinner

[Surianne]

Husband said the friend knew it was Valentines day and admitted that the stiff drink was because he was alone that day. He also knew DH was home because they had talked earlier about DH preparing a special V day dinner for me.

He knew your husband was preparing a special V-day dinner for you??

With that update, I take back everything I've said.  He was definitely rude, and not just clueless.

[Tilt Fairy]

OP here. . . just a little follow up.
DD didn't just want to cuddle, she was crying. We have taken her to the doctor and she has strep throat. She was in a lot of pain and when I came home she broke down emotionally.

Husband said the friend knew it was Valentines day and admitted that the stiff drink was because he was alone that day. He also knew DH was home because they had talked earlier about DH preparing a special V day dinner for me.

He normally doesn't drink like that so this was unexpected. The drink wasn't several drinks it was one large glass after he had ate nothing the whole day. DH didn't think the whole glass was alcohal he thought it was mixed with something nonalcohalic as was normal for friend. While we do have friends that help themselves to drinks they have all been light drinkers, since an incident with a mutual friend who was not. The mutual friend is not allowed to drink in anyones house anymore because of similar incidents. I will be reminding friend of this other friend.

Where we live Taxi's aren't really an option without a big lead time. We could not have put him in his car. We do not let people drive when they have been drinking. Both of us agreed that one of us should have driven him home, we know better in the future. DH was a bit out of sorts after caring for sick daughter all day and I had just got home from a stressful day at work to DD having a break down. We were not completely in the best frame of mind.

I guess I am just amazed that someone would, knowing it was Valentine's day and knowing we had special plans show up in the hopes that we would provide him company and solace because he didn't have special plans.

Husband has apologized, friend is still clueless because "child was sick so he didn't really ruin anything that wasn't already ruined." But he did apologize for drinking beyond the norm in our house. In the future I am going to recognize the cluelessness of people who have shown themselves to be clueless and feel free to politely yet firmly spell out our household expectations and plans. I may also keep an eye out for a locking liquior cabinet to avoid things like this in the future.

Thanks for the update OP. Wow, your friend was clueless. Not clueless in the sense that he didn't realise it was valentines day (as you said he did know) but clueless in the sense that he didn't understand that you and your husband and your child would want to spend the special evening together. Or, even worse, it sounds like he had no problem interrupting your existing plans as he didn't think it was a big deal. A special evening with a sick child (in her own house) doesn't make the evening less special or less important, it just makes it a couple of % more difficult. Your friend sounds like he was so consumed with how he felt about the day or himself that he didn't really give any thought to you and your husband, especially when you two sound kind enough to entertain him (not out of pity) but out of genuine friendship on lots of evenings of the week.

I think that you or your husband talking to your friend about what happened would be uncomfortable as the friend would feel worse and probably more ashamed than he already is. I think secretly he knows he ruined it and knows he has been selfish. If he doesn't, then he really is completely clueless and the only way completely clueless people can learn anything is as you said, telling it to them straight - perhaps calling in advance from now on.

[camlan]

I think that you or your husband talking to your friend about what happened would be uncomfortable as the friend would feel worse and probably more ashamed than he already is. I think secretly he knows he ruined it and knows he has been selfish. If he doesn't, then he really is completely clueless and the only way completely clueless people can learn anything is as you said, telling it to them straight - perhaps calling in advance from now on.

And the problem with that is? Because I don't think this guy feels ashamed at all. He deliberately inserted himself into the plans of his friends, because he was sad he was alone on Valentine's Day. I think he does need to hear that his behavior was unwelcome.

I'd be rethinking my friendship with this guy. He doesn't really sound like a nice friend.

[Tilt Fairy]

I think that you or your husband talking to your friend about what happened would be uncomfortable as the friend would feel worse and probably more ashamed than he already is. I think secretly he knows he ruined it and knows he has been selfish. If he doesn't, then he really is completely clueless and the only way completely clueless people can learn anything is as you said, telling it to them straight - perhaps calling in advance from now on.

And the problem with that is? Because I don't think this guy feels ashamed at all. He deliberately inserted himself into the plans of his friends, because he was sad he was alone on Valentine's Day. I think he does need to hear that his behavior was unwelcome.

I'd be rethinking my friendship with this guy. He doesn't really sound like a nice friend.

Agreed. Re-reading it all, I can't see his behaviour as anything other than selfish and disruptive. I don't know why I thought he sounded ashamed. He wasn't even apologetic was he?!! You're right. The OP and husband should let the friend know that what he did was unacceptable and hurtful.

To the OP. To make up for it, could you and your husband have time for another romantic night in together and cook together to compensate for the spoiled evening? Maybe when your daughter's better?

[doodlemor]

I think that you or your husband talking to your friend about what happened would be uncomfortable as the friend would feel worse and probably more ashamed than he already is. I think secretly he knows he ruined it and knows he has been selfish. If he doesn't, then he really is completely clueless and the only way completely clueless people can learn anything is as you said, telling it to them straight - perhaps calling in advance from now on.

And the problem with that is? Because I don't think this guy feels ashamed at all. He deliberately inserted himself into the plans of his friends, because he was sad he was alone on Valentine's Day. I think he does need to hear that his behavior was unwelcome.

I'd be rethinking my friendship with this guy. He doesn't really sound like a nice friend.

I agree with this 100%.  This man is incredibly selfish.  I almost wonder if he has a *crush* on the OP, that he wanted to ruin a romantic evening with her DH.

I had some time to think about this today.  He must have had an incredible amount of alcohol, if he were telling the truth.  One drink is supposed to diffuse itself in an hour or so, isn't it?  If he truly was unable to leave for hours he must have downed a lot of booze.

Is it possible that he mooches off a large group of friends?  Does he go somewhere almost every night for dinner, and never cooks for himself?

Absolutely, I think that the OP and her husband need to distance themselves from this person - and to put the liquor in an inaccessible place.

[travestine]

I have to say - I think the OP has a bigger problem here than just a ruined Valentine's dinner.

1.  Why didn't your DH tell him when he walked through the door (! that's a whole other thread in in itself!) that this wasn't a good night and show him out?

2.  Why is it okay for your guests to walk in and help them to anything, let alone alcohol?  I know some people like to be casual with their friends - but this was beyond the limit.

3.  why did removing this guy become YOUR problem when it was your DH who caused the problem by letting him stay and not observing what he was drinking (which wouldn't have been a problem if he had been required to request a drink and your DH had served him and been aware of what his alcohol intake).

4.  Why would your DH spend your evening sitting and yakking about Star Trek with his intoxicated buddy when he should have told his buddy to sleep it off on the couch and he should have been with you, comforting your child?

Sorry, but there are just so many issues going on here - a missed dinner is the least. Your husband was the one who was or should have been in control in every situation - after all, this is HIS friend - yet he allowed the focus of your evening to become his buddy, rather than you and your sick child.  The friend was a jerk and needs to be aware of what a jerk he was, but your husband, in my estimation, let you down.

[KenveeB]

I think that you or your husband talking to your friend about what happened would be uncomfortable as the friend would feel worse and probably more ashamed than he already is. I think secretly he knows he ruined it and knows he has been selfish. If he doesn't, then he really is completely clueless and the only way completely clueless people can learn anything is as you said, telling it to them straight - perhaps calling in advance from now on.

And the problem with that is? Because I don't think this guy feels ashamed at all. He deliberately inserted himself into the plans of his friends, because he was sad he was alone on Valentine's Day. I think he does need to hear that his behavior was unwelcome.

I'd be rethinking my friendship with this guy. He doesn't really sound like a nice friend.

Right. I'd agree with the bolded if he was apologetic, but he wasn't remotely sorry about what happened. He's blaming everyone but himself for purposely ruining someone's special Valentine's Day that he knew about! This wasn't just accidentally dropping in because he didn't realize they were celebrating. It was him selfishly deciding to ruin their night because he was upset about his own.

[MacadamiaNut]

Am I right in assuming the friend has not been told he has done anything wrong by your DH, OP?  I can't tell from your update if friend's apology was the result of a conversation DH started or if friend just came forward himself and apologized about the drinking.  I was going to make a comment but then realized this missing piece will help complete my thought.  If you have a chance, please reply - thank you! 

[weeblewobble]

If anything, the update makes 'Friend' sound worse. He definitely falls under willfully oblivious.  He sounds selfish and short-sighted, unable to see past his own needs.  If nothing else, the fact that you had a sick, crying child at home should have tipped him off that you didn't need the additional stress of a guest.  And his comment that "he didn't ruin anything that wasn't already ruined" smacks of immaturity and entitlement.

DH definitely owes you a "mulligan" dinner.

[gingerzing]

If anything, the update makes 'Friend' sound worse. He definitely falls under willfully oblivious.  He sounds selfish and short-sighted, unable to see past his own needs.  If nothing else, the fact that you had a sick, crying child at home should have tipped him off that you didn't need the additional stress of a guest.  And his comment that "he didn't ruin anything that wasn't already ruined" smacks of immaturity and entitlement.

DH definitely owes you a "mulligan" dinner.

Yup this. 
He was a total jerk at least two times over. 
First that he KNEW that DH was fixing a special meal.  (You are not invited.  Special meal is not for drop by visitors)
Second that he knew that there was a sick child.  Then blaming a ruined evening on the child.  You all had plans to cuddle, even with sick child. 
For some reason I hope he caught what the child had just to prove a point.  (And if he complains, well he knew the child was ill before he even came over.)

[SoCalVal]

If anything, the update makes 'Friend' sound worse. He definitely falls under willfully oblivious.  He sounds selfish and short-sighted, unable to see past his own needs.  If nothing else, the fact that you had a sick, crying child at home should have tipped him off that you didn't need the additional stress of a guest.  And his comment that "he didn't ruin anything that wasn't already ruined" smacks of immaturity and entitlement.

DH definitely owes you a "mulligan" dinner.

Pod.  I don't give this guy a pass at all -- he deliberately ruined your dinner because he was only looking out for himself.  Steak and lobster dinner for three?  That sounds about $100 and up (depending upon where you are) -- expensive and lovely dinner to ruin, and he didn't care enough about you, DH or your daughter to not ruin Valentine's Day for someone else?  That's not a friend.  Oh, I'd be spitting mad if that had happened to me and wouldn't want that guy just dropping in anymore (well, wouldn't want him in my house again, period).

[Tiamet]

I agree with this 100%.  This man is incredibly selfish.  I almost wonder if he has a *crush* on the OP, that he wanted to ruin a romantic evening with her DH.

It sounds more to me as though he has a crush on the OP's DH - he carefully monopolised said DH's attention and deliberately excluded the OP on Valentine's Day.  Substitute a woman for a man doing this and I think there would be a strong suspicion she was moving in on the DH.

[doodlemor]

I agree with this 100%.  This man is incredibly selfish.  I almost wonder if he has a *crush* on the OP, that he wanted to ruin a romantic evening with her DH.

It sounds more to me as though he has a crush on the OP's DH - he carefully monopolised said DH's attention and deliberately excluded the OP on Valentine's Day.  Substitute a woman for a man doing this and I think there would be a strong suspicion she was moving in on the DH.

Wow!  Good point.  This makes more sense.

[wolfie]

I think you guys are reaching here. Most likely what happened is someone who is not happy at being alone, V-day really brought it into focus for him that he is alone and he might be having thoughts of "will I ever find someone" and decided to go to his friends place to try to feel better. Was it selfish of him? yes. Should he have done it? No. But I think calling him a user or that he is trying to move in on someone in the couple is a bit much. 

[doodlemor]

I think you guys are reaching here. Most likely what happened is someone who is not happy at being alone, V-day really brought it into focus for him that he is alone and he might be having thoughts of "will I ever find someone" and decided to go to his friends place to try to feel better. Was it selfish of him? yes. Should he have done it? No. But I think calling him a user or that he is trying to move in on someone in the couple is a bit much.

You're right, wolfie, it is a stretch. 

I have seen both of these situations among my friends, however, many times.  One doesn't always immediately think that an interloper is trying to entice the partner of the same gender, but it does happen.

Tiamet brought up an interesting point with this statement:

*Substitute a woman for a man doing this and I think there would be a strong suspicion she was moving in on the DH.*