uninvited guest for valentines day dinner

[darkprincess]

this is sort of a rant but I wonder if there was a way to deal with it better.
My Dear Husband decided to make us a wonderful Valentines day dinner at home of steak and lobster. The plan was dinner while curled up on the couch watching our favorite movie. Our 8 year old daughter could cuddle with us as a family and we would put her to bed early. She had a fever that morning and we figured she would fall asleep early anyway.
Before I came home, while husband was marinating the steak and prepping the lobster one of his friends dropped by unannounced. He is a close friend and does this at least once a week and we are fine with him helping himself to a beer/wine/hard drink when he wants it. When dinner plans work out we have been known to invite him to join us during these drop-ins. That evening he immediately helped himself to a very stiff drink.
Somehow he was oblivious to the fact that it was Valentines day, that we were having a special dinner, and that company may not be welcome. Husband didn't notice how stiff the drink was before it was too late and we would not be comfortable letting him drive home immediately. Once he figured it out he cut him off all alcohol so he wouldn't be there even later.
When I got home and figured out the situation I was very annoyed. I thought about putting him in my car and driving him home, but sick daughter wanted to cuddle and I recognized the situation was doomed.
Sick daughter wanted soup so we ended up giving friend her share of the steak and lobster. I spent the evening cuddled with her and cartoons. Husband stayed in kitchen with friend discussing Star Trek until we felt comfortable letting him drive home. I have to say husband was great because he kept friend away from me so I wouldn't be encouraged to say nasty things. I admit I did want to "thank him for sharing our romantic Valentine's evening." but I was able to hold my tongue.
Any ideas of what to do in future situations, maybe when we don't have a sick daughter, or maybe we just need to buy a locking liquor cabinet.

[Bibliophile]

Drive him home - or tell your husband to not serve him a drink and send him back out the door on Valentine's Day.  Being polite doesn't mean you need to entertain anyone who just drops by.

[NyaChan]

I put this one on your husband.  When your friend dropped in, he should have said, "Hey, great to see you.  Feel free to stay for a drink, but darkprincess is coming home at X o'clock for V-day's dinner so we'll have to call it a night by X:XX pm."  If friend didn't know it was V-day, he didn't know he was intruding on a special night.  Even if he did know (because really how do you miss the significance of such a fabulous dinner getting prepped?), DH still should have said that to make it clear that he needed to be out by a certain time.

Failing that, you could have called him a cab or had one of you take him home while the other cuddled with your daughter.

[jmarvellous]

Just a hunch, but I bet he knew full well it was Valentine's Day. That would explain the stiffer-than-usual drink, too!

You should have said, "Oh, it's time for Valentine's dinner for just the two of us. DH, can you give friend a ride home now?"

[Surianne]

I put this one on your husband.  When your friend dropped in, he should have said, "Hey, great to see you.  Feel free to stay for a drink, but darkprincess is coming home at X o'clock for V-day's dinner so we'll have to call it a night by X:XX pm."  If friend didn't know it was V-day, he didn't know he was intruding on a special night.  Even if he did know (because really how do you miss the significance of such a fabulous dinner getting prepped?), DH still should have said that to make it clear that he needed to be out by a certain time.

Failing that, you could have called him a cab or had one of you take him home while the other cuddled with your daughter.

I agree.  The Friend was just doing what's normal for him, and what has been accepted in the past -- dropping by.  I'm not sure how he was supposed to know about the special Valentine's dinner.  I don't celebrate Valentine's and neither do many of my friends, so it's not automatic that everyone in a couple celebrates.  All your husband had to do to save the night was simply say "I'm sorry, I have special plans with my wife this evening."  So to me, this is on your husband (and later you for not saying anything), not the friend.

[kudeebee]

I have to agree with pp's--why didn't dh send him on his way?  "Sorry friend, today is Valentine's Day and I am preparing a special dinner for our family so you can't stay.  Drop by another night."  Then usher him to the door.

I would have put him in my car and driven him home while dh cuddled with dd or why couldn't dh drive him home?  You could have delayed dinner for a short time.

[Kaypeep]

I agree with the PPs.  The fault on this one lies with your DH, he should have said something to his friend as soon as the friend arrived letting him know that the visit was bad timing and you guys had plans.  You should talk to your DH about this in the future if this friend is the comfortable enough to stop by and drink enough that he can't drive home right away.  I can see this situation happening again, holiday or not, and your husband needs to be able to tell his friend "Sorry, but now isn't a good time.  Let's try and get together tomorrow instead" and then show him the door.

[Sharnita]

I think there are a lot of couples who don't do special dinner on Valentine's Day or do it on an alternative night, etc.  I think just because it has beeb deemed by society "a night of romance" doesn't mean that everyone recognizes it.  It would have been nice if he asked but I think your DH should have said something when his friend didn't ask.

[PeterM]

I'm gonna apportion the blame 50/50, at worst, between the OP/DH and their friend. I think the friend was clueless enough to be rude in not figuring things out, but I do agree with the PPs who say y'all should've just told him to leave, or called a cab, or driven him home.

[Isometric]

I think there are a lot of couples who don't do special dinner on Valentine's Day or do it on an alternative night, etc.  I think just because it has beeb deemed by society "a night of romance" doesn't mean that everyone recognizes it.  It would have been nice if he asked but I think your DH should have said something when his friend didn't ask.

This is true. But shouldn't the "guest" have noticed the steak and lobster and wondered why they were having such a nice meal on a Tuesday night? (Unless that's a regular Tuesday night meal in OP's house)

[Raintree]

Agreeing with PPs. When he showed up he should have been told, "Oh, sorry, tonight's not good. Valentine's dinner with the wife, ya know? It'd be great to see you tomorrow."

It's entirely possible that he was oblivious to V-day. People who aren't coupled can easily forget, even when they've seen the little hearts all over the stores that day.

[camlan]

It's not rude to inform someone, especially someone who drops by unannounced, that you have plans and he isn't included in them. It will probably feel unkind, but that's what he gets for dropping by unannounced. He has to accept the fact that if he doesn't call you ahead of time, sometimes you will not be able to invite him in.

There were a few missed opportunities here. First, when Mr. Oblivious arrived. Your DH could have told him it wasn't a good time for a visit, or let him in, but with a deadline--"We're having a special Valentine's dinner tonight, but you can stay for an hour/until DarkPrincess gets home."

When the OP arrived home. How long does it take to drive him home? Could your daughter have missed the cuddling for 20 minutes or so to get Mr. Oblivious safely home? I realize she was sick and wanted her mom, but she would have been safe at home with her dad--and all of you would have been spared the company of an outsider for the entire evening. Of course, if he lives an hour away, driving him home wasn't an option. But calling him a cab was.

And if he's pouring such stiff drinks that one drink makes him unable to drive for what appears to have been several hours, then, yes, I'd lock up the liquor. Or at least put it where he'll have to ask for it in the future.

But really, I think something should have been said about the plans right when he arrived, so that he was aware that it wasn't just a regular weeknight for your family. You and your DH should discuss this and work out what you will do, so that the next time Mr. Oblivious arrives and you have plans you are able to send him away and not have to adapt your plans to his presence.

[squashedfrog]

Count me as agreeing with the PPs, your DH really should have said something.   OP can I ask what has your DH said on the matter?

[rigs32]

When the OP arrived home. How long does it take to drive him home? Could your daughter have missed the cuddling for 20 minutes or so to get Mr. Oblivious safely home? I realize she was sick and wanted her mom, but she would have been safe at home with her dad--and all of you would have been spared the company of an outsider for the entire evening. Of course, if he lives an hour away, driving him home wasn't an option. But calling him a cab was.

Pod.  I blame your DH most, but you could have said something to salvage the evening.  By allowing it to happen, you're partly to blame.

[rashea]

I'll go slightly against the grain. I'd put the blame 75/25 on the friend, because I think it's pretty rude to pour yourself a drink that's stiff enough that you can't drive near the dinner hour, when you have yet to be invited to dinner. The OP says that sometimes he gets invited, but it wasn't a given at that point.

And I would have called him a cab.