uninvited guest for valentines day dinner

[Giggity]

This is true. But shouldn't the "guest" have noticed the steak and lobster and wondered why they were having such a nice meal on a Tuesday night? (Unless that's a regular Tuesday night meal in OP's house)

In (for instance) my parents' house, which was built in 1975, the wet bar is off the living room, on the opposite side of the living room from where the kitchen is. Someone mixing a drink would have no way to find out what's in the kitchen.

[camlan]

It's also possible that Mr. Oblivious saw the steak and lobster and thought, "Oh, boy! I'm staying here for dinner tonight! All I have at home is cold pizza from last Thursday!"

If he's managed to miss all the advertising about Valentine's Day, I don't have a high opinion of his hint detector. And he was perfectly happy to stay even though he knew the child was sick. If I'd dropped by and realized friends were dealing with a sick and possibly cranky child, I'd leave. Not so much for the germ factor as the fact that sick children take more of their parents' attention and I'd figure the parents wouldn't want an unexpected guest right that minute.

And don't forget that your DH can sit down with this guy and ask him to start calling before he comes over. It's not rude to set a boundary like that. Imagine if he gate-crashed the birthday party you were throwing for your mom, or the one evening you got the grandparents to have your daughter for a sleep over and were planning a more adult evening.

[TootsNYC]

Just a hunch, but I bet he knew full well it was Valentine's Day. That would explain the stiffer-than-usual drink, too!

You should have said, "Oh, it's time for Valentine's dinner for just the two of us. DH, can you give friend a ride home now?"

Yeah, I know DH was cooking, but I think he should have found a way to delay it so he could drive his "friend" home.

And I'd use this as a cue that you are not *ever* okay with him walking in your house and pouring himself a drink/getting a beer/whatever. He has proven that he can't be trusted, and you should sort of roll that back somehow. Start by putting the liquor somewhere that he has to ask for it. But honestly, I'd start sending him home after 10 minutes EVERY time he came over for the next 3 months. "Good to see you, but I'm going to have to send you home now; we're having a family dinner." And if he says something, you say, "Dude, you're not invited--this is a family dinner. It's time for you to go home."

Get him really used to it.

And camlan is right--have DH sit his friend down and say, "dude, you crashed our Valentine's Day. I'm kinda p.o.'d; I was looking forward to the time w/ my sweetie--and sweeties. You can't drop by anymore. We'll invite you if we want you to stop by."

Seriously, he blew his membership on the "you're welcome to drop in" list.

[DavidH]

Since the pattern of coming over unannounced for a drink is set, and doesn't seem to be something you object to in general, I think that his actions while clueless, followed a precedent and wasn't particularly rude.  Since he shows up uninvited and is presumably a close friend, you can certainly say, "I'm sorry, tonight isn't good, how about tomorrow instead?"  I can personally attest to the fact that despite all the ads around Valentine's day, you can forget completely, or at least until you get home.

[QueenofAllThings]

The OP could also have driven the friend home. I appreciate that her daughter wanted to 'cuddle', but you (the OP) can't have it both ways. Either drive the man home and have your daughter wait (remember that DH is cooking), or cuddle with your daughter knowing full well that friend will then be staying.

You did have the ability to fix this, and you chose not to - disappointment is natural, but there's not much to complain about.

[EMuir]

I think your DH owes you another supper.  Next time call friend a taxi.

[weeblewobble]

I think the fault is with friend and I don't blame you for being upset with him.  I think there's a difference between clueless and willfully oblivious.  You don't have to be involved in a serious relationship to know that couples want to do something romantic together on Valentine's Day.  And if he left the house on Tuesday, there's no way he wasn't aware it was Valentine's Day.  Heck, the fact that he fixed himself a stronger drink than usual is an indicator he was either stressed by Valentine's Day or didn't want to be able to drive himself home for some time.

I think it's time to set boundaries.  Or to start calling friend a cab when he comes over and drinks too much.

[purplemuse]

It might have been cluelessness, but there's cluelessness that you just brush off as "Oh, you didn't know any better," and then there's cluelessness that makes me think "I don't care if you genuinely didn't know, you still should have known."

To me, this is the second kind.

I mean, it would be all well and good for him to protest "I didn't know they were celebrating Valentine's Day," but if we did a poll here, or even sent someone out on the street to ask "Would you drop in on a couple on Valentine's Day if you don't know whether or not they celebrate?" I'm sure the answer would be a resounding "No."

Yes, the OP and her DH should have spoken up, but I don't think this guy is "innocent" in this situation-- not by a long shot.

[Outdoor Girl]

I can see dropping in on friends, not realizing it was Valentine's Day.  But as soon as he saw the steak and lobster, he should have beat feet out of there.  That is so obviously intended as a romantic dinner that he would have to be an absolute dolt not to have picked up on it.

OP, I think you need to sit down with hubby and be prepared for the next time something like this happens so you can both be on the same page.  Whether that is hubby telling him that he can only stay for a hour until you get home or whether it is one of you driving him home if he's had too much to drink or whether you call him a cab.

[Surianne]

I think the fault is with friend and I don't blame you for being upset with him.  I think there's a difference between clueless and willfully oblivious.  You don't have to be involved in a serious relationship to know that couples want to do something romantic together on Valentine's Day.

Most of the couples I'm friends with don't do Valentine's Day, so it wouldn't have been even a tiny blip on my radar.  It has nothing at all to do with being willfully oblivious.  To most people I know, it's just another day. 

If I were to drop by a friend's place and they said nothing, I'd assume they weren't celebrating, because if they were celebrating, obviously (to my mind) they'd simply let me know that they weren't up for a visit tonight. 

[Tilt Fairy]

I think the fault lies with your friend but your DH could easily have rectified the situation, in fact, very easily I think. When friend came over, your husband could have talked about the meal he was making at the time and how excited he was about having a romantic evening with you or how rare it was that you two had time to have a romantic dinner together or even a simple half-joking white lie "yeah dude, lets have a quick beer, I'm gonna need it to get through the cheesy romantic valentines meal tonight to please the misses!" or "ha ha i'm glad you came over and distracted me with a drink, making this romantic meal for darkprincess tonight has had me craving for a shot of whisky and some manly banter!"- little jokey comments like that to give your friend the hint that though he appreciates his company and friendship, he needs him to clear off tonight to spend some time with you. The fact that your DHs friend comes over often unannounced  and shares your home and dinners with you must mean that him and your husband are very close.

When it got to the point that your DH realised he may have had too much to drink to drive home safely himself, he could have just been like "oops, I think we got carried away a little bit, how about I call you a cab home so me and dear wife can get down to some "wink wink" accompanied by a cheeky nudge or "lets call you a cab home, normally I'd invite you to stay but the misses was so looking forward to a romantic meal just the two of us, you know how women get sentimental over this mushy valentines day stuff!". That way, your DH could have spared your friends embarrassment and awkwardness for dropping in on valentines day evening, nobody gets offended and the two of you and your daughter could spend a lovely valentines day night together. To answer your question, cheeky light humoured hints would get the job done in any future situation or even like previous posters have said, nothing wrong with a soft, kind, literal to-the-point - "I got a certain something special planned with the wifey tonight". Sometimes even the most oblivious house guests need a nudge.

[darkprincess]

OP here. . . just a little follow up.
DD didn't just want to cuddle, she was crying. We have taken her to the doctor and she has strep throat. She was in a lot of pain and when I came home she broke down emotionally.

Husband said the friend knew it was Valentines day and admitted that the stiff drink was because he was alone that day. He also knew DH was home because they had talked earlier about DH preparing a special V day dinner for me.

He normally doesn't drink like that so this was unexpected. The drink wasn't several drinks it was one large glass after he had ate nothing the whole day. DH didn't think the whole glass was alcohal he thought it was mixed with something nonalcohalic as was normal for friend. While we do have friends that help themselves to drinks they have all been light drinkers, since an incident with a mutual friend who was not. The mutual friend is not allowed to drink in anyones house anymore because of similar incidents. I will be reminding friend of this other friend.

Where we live Taxi's aren't really an option without a big lead time. We could not have put him in his car. We do not let people drive when they have been drinking. Both of us agreed that one of us should have driven him home, we know better in the future. DH was a bit out of sorts after caring for sick daughter all day and I had just got home from a stressful day at work to DD having a break down. We were not completely in the best frame of mind.

I guess I am just amazed that someone would, knowing it was Valentine's day and knowing we had special plans show up in the hopes that we would provide him company and solace because he didn't have special plans.

Husband has apologized, friend is still clueless because "child was sick so he didn't really ruin anything that wasn't already ruined." But he did apologize for drinking beyond the norm in our house. In the future I am going to recognize the cluelessness of people who have shown themselves to be clueless and feel free to politely yet firmly spell out our household expectations and plans. I may also keep an eye out for a locking liquior cabinet to avoid things like this in the future.

[Fleur-de-Lis]

Husband has apologized, friend is still clueless because "child was sick so he didn't really ruin anything that wasn't already ruined." But he did apologize for drinking beyond the norm in our house. In the future I am going to recognize the cluelessness of people who have shown themselves to be clueless and feel free to politely yet firmly spell out our household expectations and plans. I may also keep an eye out for a locking liquior cabinet to avoid things like this in the future.

Wow.  I would give this "friend" the cut direct so fast his head spun.  This was *not* cluelessness; this was deliberate insensitivity, paired with dismissive non-acceptance of responsibility. 

Your husband has a friend who is so dismissive of your husband's relationship with you that, knowing that your husband had plans, he dropped in unannounced and fixed himself a stiff drink.

How would your husband react to that happening to somebody else?

[Moray]

OP here. . . just a little follow up.
DD didn't just want to cuddle, she was crying. We have taken her to the doctor and she has strep throat. She was in a lot of pain and when I came home she broke down emotionally.

Husband said the friend knew it was Valentines day and admitted that the stiff drink was because he was alone that day. He also knew DH was home because they had talked earlier about DH preparing a special V day dinner for me.

He normally doesn't drink like that so this was unexpected. The drink wasn't several drinks it was one large glass after he had ate nothing the whole day. DH didn't think the whole glass was alcohal he thought it was mixed with something nonalcohalic as was normal for friend. While we do have friends that help themselves to drinks they have all been light drinkers, since an incident with a mutual friend who was not. The mutual friend is not allowed to drink in anyones house anymore because of similar incidents. I will be reminding friend of this other friend.

Where we live Taxi's aren't really an option without a big lead time. We could not have put him in his car. We do not let people drive when they have been drinking. Both of us agreed that one of us should have driven him home, we know better in the future. DH was a bit out of sorts after caring for sick daughter all day and I had just got home from a stressful day at work to DD having a break down. We were not completely in the best frame of mind.

I guess I am just amazed that someone would, knowing it was Valentine's day and knowing we had special plans show up in the hopes that we would provide him company and solace because he didn't have special plans.

Husband has apologized, friend is still clueless because "child was sick so he didn't really ruin anything that wasn't already ruined." But he did apologize for drinking beyond the norm in our house. In the future I am going to recognize the cluelessness of people who have shown themselves to be clueless and feel free to politely yet firmly spell out our household expectations and plans. I may also keep an eye out for a locking liquior cabinet to avoid things like this in the future.

Re: The bolded: It sounds like DH needs to have another chat with him. Setting aside your Valentine's Day plans, if Friend was aware your little one was ill and needy, that should have been another huge freakin' clue that this wasn't a good time to get trashed at your place.

[rashea]

Husband has apologized, friend is still clueless because "child was sick so he didn't really ruin anything that wasn't already ruined." But he did apologize for drinking beyond the norm in our house. In the future I am going to recognize the cluelessness of people who have shown themselves to be clueless and feel free to politely yet firmly spell out our household expectations and plans. I may also keep an eye out for a locking liquior cabinet to avoid things like this in the future.

So he came over with the intention of ruining your evening, despite knowing it was a special dinner? And then blamed it on the kid?

I'd be telling him he might need to start calling for a while, because I'd be pissed.