S/O sombody got roses . . . who sent me the roses?

[jpcher]

The somebody got roses thread (in the coffee break folder) started me thinking about something that happened maybe 15+ years ago, so I'm just curious as to what your responses will be.


The background:

Bill, a long time CW of mine, was a major hottie and big-time flirt. All the girls wanted a piece of him. He got married, had an affair, then got a divorce (at his ex-wife's instance.) After a few years, during which he insisted that it was all his mistake and he missed his ex and he wished that he could do it all over again, he met someone new (Jill.)

While he was dating Jill, he was still a flirt, but he toned down his game quite a bit. He swore that he would never, ever! do to Jill what he did to his ex. Jill knew his reputation and past history.

Bill and Jill got married.


The problem:

Within their first year of marriage was Valentines day (I'm not sure how long they were married at this time) Bill received a delivery of flowers at work. There was no card.

Bill threw himself into quite a tizzy.

"Who sent me the flowers?"

"What if I thank Jill for the flowers and they're not from her? She'll tear me up! I got flowers from someone else?"

"What happens if I don't say anything about the flowers and they are from her?"


The etiquette questions:

If you were Bill . . . How would you have handled this situation as far as your partner goes?

If you were a friend . . . What would have been the polite/correct thing to do? What would you have said to CW/friend? or Would you have just kept your mouth shut?



Just curious as to what your take on this topic is . . .

[JenJay]

I would ask my spouse if they sent me the flowers (or encourage my coworker to ask). Worst case scenario they aren't from your spouse but that's hardly your fault. At least the fact that you told your spouse about them proves you weren't assuming the gift was from anyone else / up to something, right? 

[JadeAngel]

I agree with JenJay, ask your spouse if they sent you the flowers and if not simply say that there was no card, and you have no idea who they could be from. There could be any number of explanations from a hopeful secret admirer to a mis-delivery, but I would advise the co-worker that honesty would be the best policy here, you never know, Jill might enjoy helping to unravel the mystery and she's almost certainly going to appreciate it more than hearing the story weeks or months later.

[Daydream]

I agree with the previous posters.

My thought when reading your post was that Bill seemed to have a guilty conscious based on his flirty personality, but that's not necessarily an issue when receiving anonymous flowers.  Even non-flirty people can have secret admirers.  They can also receive flowers from a florist that forgot to include the note-card, or a SO who thinks it might be cute to send them anonymously. (I don't know why people think it's cute to do that it.  Why don't they know it's not nice to cause the object of your affection stress in that way?)

So, basically, he should have just approached the situation as if he were a non-flirty person by mentioning to his wife in a lighthearted manner that a funny thing happened -- he got flowers with no note.   Then see what she said.

I feel that anyone who who sends flowers as a secret admirer must be a very bold person who lacks a sense of boundaries, so I would not blame my SO for that.

[WestAussieGirl]

I think by asking his wife he is admitting he knows it is possible they are from someone else.  I think it would be better if he just thanked her as though he knew they were from her.  If she corrects him then he can tell her that he has no idea who else they could be from. 

[TurtleDove]

This happened to me (and I posted about it). I told my SO, who said "I didn't send the flowers, but I am not at all surprised someone else has an eye for you!" No jealousy because he trusts me. I still have no idea who sent the roses.

[MrTango]

In his position, I'd thank my wife for the flowers.

Even if there wasn't a card, I would know that of course they're from her, since there's no one else I can think of who would get me flowers.

(IMO) His worrying that they're from someone else is a sign of guilt.

[Yvaine]

In his position, I'd thank my wife for the flowers.

Even if there wasn't a card, I would know that of course they're from her, since there's no one else I can think of who would get me flowers.

(IMO) His worrying that they're from someone else is a sign of guilt.

Don't think it's necessarily guilt--it could be, but it could also just be fear--"oh no, I'll ruin this relationship like the last one, but without actually even having done anything wrong!"

[weeblewobble]

I was in this same situation (without the cheating history) a few years ago, when I was still dating DH.  I got a small, extremely pretty arrangement of roses on my birthday.  The card said, "From someone who loves you." 

I immediately called DH, then-BF, and thanked him profusely for being so thoughtful.  He was confused, as he did not send me any flowers.  He said, "Who else would send you flowers?!" I said, "Hmm, it was probably my mom or grandma or something.  I'll call around and ask."

It turned out to be a male friend from college who had already professed his love for me and wanted me to leave BF (to whom I was engaged) and "paint the world with all the colors of my soul."  And of course, he wanted to be the one handed me the paints, even when I told him I wasn't interested. Part of me still wonders if he sent the flowers anonymously, just to start trouble.  Either way, I broke off the friendship and I was honest with BF about what happened.  It wasn't easy, BF did not like this friend, and got upset when he heard what happened.  But, if I'd been dishonest, it would have made BF suspicious and caused more trouble than a bunch of silly flowers was worth.

Bill needs to thank Jill, just in case, and if she didn't send the flowers, just shrug and say, "Huh, maybe the florist made a mistake."  He should not make more of an ordeal of this than it's worth.

[TurtleDove]

In his position, I'd thank my wife for the flowers.

Even if there wasn't a card, I would know that of course they're from her, since there's no one else I can think of who would get me flowers.

(IMO) His worrying that they're from someone else is a sign of guilt.

I agree with first assuming the flowers are from the SO, but I disagree with the rest.  I cannot control anyone other than myself. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I can think of several people who would get me flowers and I have absolutely no guilt about this because I cannot control their feelings, only my reaction to them, and I have done nothing to give the impression the flowers or advances are appreciated.  Not all professions of love/admiration/___ are solicited or reciprocated or appreciated.  For me, I am not even flattered, just vaguely ill about it. 

I actively discourage those who seem to want romantic liasons with me, but that does not mean that they get the message or stop their behavior.  And if someone does not sign the card there is no way to actively discourage the overtures aside from living my life and making it clear I am not interested in anyone other than my SO. 

[O'Dell]

If I were the one he was saying this to, I'd have answered with "Who else would be sending you flowers?" Cuz unless he were fooling around, they would be from his wife. My first thought was that he was freaking out because he really hadn't changed his ways. If he were innocent, then saying that should point out that he's worrying needlessly and if he weren't innocent, then maybe he'd get the point that he was bringing this all on himself...and that I didn't want to hear about it!!

In his position, I'd thank my wife for the flowers.

Even if there wasn't a card, I would know that of course they're from her, since there's no one else I can think of who would get me flowers.

(IMO) His worrying that they're from someone else is a sign of guilt.

That's how I see it too.

[Knitterly]

If I were the one he was saying this to, I'd have answered with "Who else would be sending you flowers?" Cuz unless he were fooling around, they would be from his wife. My first thought was that he was freaking out because he really hadn't changed his ways. If he were innocent, then saying that should point out that he's worrying needlessly and if he weren't innocent, then maybe he'd get the point that he was bringing this all on himself...and that I didn't want to hear about it!!

In his position, I'd thank my wife for the flowers.

Even if there wasn't a card, I would know that of course they're from her, since there's no one else I can think of who would get me flowers.

(IMO) His worrying that they're from someone else is a sign of guilt.

That's how I see it too.

You know... if the wife has any suspicions about his behaviour (ie, that he may still be fooling around or is still a flirt), sending flowers without a card is a great way to bring suspicious behaviour to light.

Maybe not a very reliable way, but definitely a way.

[lady_disdain]

I agree - thank the wife sincerely. If they were from her, fine. If they weren't, at least it is obvious he has nothing to hide.

If they were from her, I would, a while after, mention to her the stress, explaining that he has nothing to hide. It could have been from an old flame, someone trying to stir up trouble, a mistake, whatever but he didn't want to be in a bad position with her.

[Mikayla]

In his position, I'd thank my wife for the flowers.

Even if there wasn't a card, I would know that of course they're from her, since there's no one else I can think of who would get me flowers.

(IMO) His worrying that they're from someone else is a sign of guilt.

Don't think it's necessarily guilt--it could be, but it could also just be fear--"oh no, I'll ruin this relationship like the last one, but without actually even having done anything wrong!"

I agree.  And another one besides guilt and fear is trust.  With a healthy couple, this wouldn't be an issue at all, so something's lingering somewhere. 

[jpcher]

I think by asking his wife he is admitting he knows it is possible they are from someone else.  I think it would be better if he just thanked her as though he knew they were from her.  If she corrects him then he can tell her that he has no idea who else they could be from.

This was my take on the situation. I told him flat out that he should call his wife and thank her for the flowers.

A few other CWs told him that he should wait to see if Jill asked about the flowers. If she didn't ask then don't say anything. Which I feel was the wrong approach.

In his position, I'd thank my wife for the flowers.

Even if there wasn't a card, I would know that of course they're from her, since there's no one else I can think of who would get me flowers.

(IMO) His worrying that they're from someone else is a sign of guilt.

Don't think it's necessarily guilt--it could be, but it could also just be fear--"oh no, I'll ruin this relationship like the last one, but without actually even having done anything wrong!"

I agree.  And another one besides guilt and fear is trust.  With a healthy couple, this wouldn't be an issue at all, so something's lingering somewhere. 

I honestly believe that Bill's struggle was with trying to find a healthy couple relationship.

At the end of the day Bill took the flowers home with him. The next day story was . . . He presented them to Jill and said "These are really for you. Thank you for being my wife."

Jill said "I sent them to you because I love that you're my husband."



Finale:

Bill and Jill have been happily married for 15+ years. I think the flower delivery situation really turned Bill around. Maybe Jill purposely didn't send a card just to test Bill, but it seemed to have worked. What's the term? Scared Straight?

Bill is still a handsome flirt but Jill is his best friend. I honestly believe that he will never do her wrong.



I picture, in my mind, how things would have been different if Bill never acknowledged to Jill an anonymous gift of flowers. If I were Jill? And nothing was said about the flowers? I would have been very angry.