Communication issue & need perspective

[CakeBeret]

BG: Our marriage has been really rough the last several months, but we are working on improving. We are going to begin marriage counseling next month, but in the meantime I'd like some perspective on this issue.

On Mondays, DH and I have about half an hour together after work before we leave for a family dinner, and afterwards he has a weekly xbox night. So the half hour after work plus ten minutes in the car is our only conversation time.

When I got home today, DH gave me a halfhearted hug and said hi, and then he went off to the bedroom. I waited a few minutes but he did not reappear, so I went to look for him and he was laying on the bed. He said he was tired. I tried to ask him about his day and he gave me grumpy one-word answers, so I decided to leave him alone.

I took our son outside to play and when I came in a few minutes later, DH was cleaning his gun (so I guess he wasn't *that* tired?) but he was still unwilling to converse with me. We left for dinner and we talked briefly in the car, although it's extremely hard to have a conversation in the car with our chatterbox toddler in the backseat. We did not get to talk at all during dinner

Just before he left for his xbox night, he asked what was wrong with me. I explained that his aloofness all evening had hurt my feelings. He said he was tired. I said "I know, but it still hurt my feelings that you grumped at me and ignored me." He repeated, "I. Was. Tired." I said okay, told him goodbye and said "I love you". He left without saying anything.

Was it unreasonable for me to expect a few minutes of conversation, even if he was tired, since I barely get to see him tonight?  How do you act towards your spouse/SO when you are tired after a long day's work, and what do you expect of your spouse?

[newbiePA]

I think he may have had a bad day, and was tired.  I think he actually communicated well. It would have been best if he said fom the outset that he needed some quiet time, but really, he said that he was tired, and found some quiet time.  I don't know about your other issues, but this doesn't seem too bad.

However, I have been wrong about many things in life, and look forward to other opinions.

[LeveeWoman]

BG: Our marriage has been really rough the last several months, but we are working on improving. We are going to begin marriage counseling next month, but in the meantime I'd like some perspective on this issue.

On Mondays, DH and I have about half an hour together after work before we leave for a family dinner, and afterwards he has a weekly xbox night. So the half hour after work plus ten minutes in the car is our only conversation time.

When I got home today, DH gave me a halfhearted hug and said hi, and then he went off to the bedroom. I waited a few minutes but he did not reappear, so I went to look for him and he was laying on the bed. He said he was tired. I tried to ask him about his day and he gave me grumpy one-word answers, so I decided to leave him alone.

I took our son outside to play and when I came in a few minutes later, DH was cleaning his gun (so I guess he wasn't *that* tired?) but he was still unwilling to converse with me. We left for dinner and we talked briefly in the car, although it's extremely hard to have a conversation in the car with our chatterbox toddler in the backseat. We did not get to talk at all during dinner

Just before he left for his xbox night, he asked what was wrong with me. I explained that his aloofness all evening had hurt my feelings. He said he was tired. I said "I know, but it still hurt my feelings that you grumped at me and ignored me." He repeated, "I. Was. Tired." I said okay, told him goodbye and said "I love you". He left without saying anything.

Was it unreasonable for me to expect a few minutes of conversation, even if he was tired, since I barely get to see him tonight?  How do you act towards your spouse/SO when you are tired after a long day's work, and what do you expect of your spouse?

Considering the extensive issues ya'll have had in the recent past about which you have posted on another forum here, I don't know if I'd be very alarmed if this is a one-off occasion. We all have grumpy-butt days but if other things are going well, I'd give him a pass.

[wolfie]

When I am tired from work I need alone time and I can't even spend 5 minutes talking. I can listen but usually all I am thinking is "Why can't you just shut up for a few minutes!" I just need that time to relax and unwind and de-stress. If your husband is the same way then I wouldn't be too worried about it. If it happens a lot then I would consider worrying!

[LeveeWoman]

When I am tired from work I need alone time and I can't even spend 5 minutes talking. I can listen but usually all I am thinking is "Why can't you just shut up for a few minutes!" I just need that time to relax and unwind and de-stress. If your husband is the same way then I wouldn't be too worried about it. If it happens a lot then I would consider worrying!

From what I understand of CakeBeret's posts on this forum and another forum at E-Hell, his behavior is violating an agreement they reached a while back.

[wolfie]

When I am tired from work I need alone time and I can't even spend 5 minutes talking. I can listen but usually all I am thinking is "Why can't you just shut up for a few minutes!" I just need that time to relax and unwind and de-stress. If your husband is the same way then I wouldn't be too worried about it. If it happens a lot then I would consider worrying!

From what I understand of CakeBeret's posts on this forum and another forum at E-Hell, his behavior is violating an agreement they reached a while back.

I am sure that the spirit of the agreement didn't mean that when you are so wound up that you need time to yourself or you feel like you will explode you can't take it and have to talk to your partner instead.

[JennJenn68]

My kneejerk response is to go all protective of you, CakeBeret, but my head, which occasionally has a working brain, tells me to say, "Wait.  See if this happens again, and then start to worry."  And yes, I, too, have read the other thread.  That tells me that it's going to be difficult for you because you're dealing with worries about how this might just be yet another beginning of the end.  Try to let it go, just this once, and see what happens.

If he does it again, even after you've expressed your concern, that will be the time to take action of some kind.

Good luck.  It must be very upsetting for you.

[buvezdevin]

OP, maybe one thing you might bring up in your soon to begin counseling would be a phrase or term your husband could use to simply indicate an "I just need to unwind by myself, there is nothing wrong, I am just tired/need me time" *and* some agreed upon parameters for how often that may be used and applicable time (not more than twice a week, half hour - or whatever).

I agree with others that by itself, this does not seem a big item one time, but in the context of your other post I understand your concern.

[TurtleDove]

My current SO needs his alone time, as do I. We clearly communicate this to each other before the other gets upset, making it clear the distance is not about the other person but rather simply needing a bit of space for a minute or an hour or a night.  I trust my SO that when he says he needs space it is about him, not about him not wanting to be with me.  OP, see if you can get a handle on what your DH means when he needs space, and also see if he can be more caring toward you in expressing it.  Given the rest of what I know about your relatinship, you deserve FAR better than your DH is giving you.

[Isometric]

I agree with PP's about a phrase that means "I need alone time".

Having said that, I would be offended if my DH treated me like that, without an apology later on. (I can be over sensitive though)To me it doesn't sound like you were hounding him for conversation, just a few normal pleasantries, which I don't think is too much to ask.

[Allyson]

The part of this that bugs me is that he seemed to expect you to understand, accept, and be OK with his bad mood/bad day, but wouldn't let you have your reaction to his aloofness. He asked you what was wrong, and you told him. You didn't get accusatory or angry as far as I can see, but he still got snarly with you for feeling that way at all.

[Cosmasia]

I feel that in relationships there needs to be space for bad days without it shaking the very foundation of your relationship.
As I understand you have a history on here that I don't know of, so I'm not familiar with your marriage problems so feel free to ignore me if what I say doesn't at all fit your problems.

But I definitely feel there needs to be room for that, for days where you just don't wanna talk, where you want to be mr/ms grumpy pants without it meaning your SO gets offended or hurt (as long as you aren't lashing out of course).

IMO he was communicating pretty clearly. As I said I don't know your history so maybe this one particular day is of importance, but to me as an outsider it seems off to me that it's a problem that his monday was bad because he communicated quite clearly IMO.

[blarg314]

I think it depends if this is a pattern.

If your DH regularly goes uncommunicative, and retreats from normal interaction, or if he's prone to mood swings, or is often grouchy and expects you to read his mind, then that's a problem that needs to be addressed.

On the other hand, as a PP said, if half-an-hour of grouchiness by itself is enough to shake your relationship, that that would say to me that there is something more fundamentally wrong in the relationship, as I wouldn't consider that a major issue. In a healthy relationship, there's room to say "I had a bad day and need to rest" and go be alone for half an hour without it being taken as a personal insult.
 
For what it's worth, I don't see conversation and simple physical activity (like cleaning a gun) as being equal in terms of tiredness. There's physical tiredness (need a nap) and mental, bad day tiredness (need to be alone and not talk to people). When I'm in the latter state, doing some simply physical chore is actually quite helpful, and makes me relax and calm down.

[CakeBeret]

If your DH regularly goes uncommunicative, and retreats from normal interaction, or if he's prone to mood swings, or is often grouchy and expects you to read his mind, then that's a problem that needs to be addressed.

This is a big part of our problems. Not so much the mood swings, but the refusal to communicate, the grouchyness, and the expected mind-reading.

Many posters have said that he communicated well. I guess I don't see that. He disappeared into another area of the house as soon as I got home, and when I tried to talk to him, he stated "I'm tired" and got snippy with me. IMO communicating well would have been "It's been a really long day. I'm going to go lay down before dinner."

The part of this that bugs me is that he seemed to expect you to understand, accept, and be OK with his bad mood/bad day, but wouldn't let you have your reaction to his aloofness. He asked you what was wrong, and you told him. You didn't get accusatory or angry as far as I can see, but he still got snarly with you for feeling that way at all.

This is a big issue for me. He gets so huffy when I try to talk to him about something like this.

[ilrag]

With our the rest of the background I'd say it wasn't a big deal.  My husband is a total crab from work at least once a week. When that's the case I just leave him alone, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.