Author Topic: Communication issue & need perspective  (Read 15706 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #105 on: February 27, 2012, 01:19:39 PM »
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The OP and her husband have a general plan to spend some family time together and have dinner, and then the husband has his XBox night.  By completely ignoring her and doing what he wanted, she had no chance to say, for instance, hey I really need a few minutes to catch up with you, or hey, I'm really feeling sick and need you to take over watching our son for a while, or whatever her needs were.  He almost treated her like she didn't exist, and just went ahead with fulfilling his own needs without even doing her the courtesy of asking if she was willing to handle the results of that.

This is my main complaint with this issue (as with everything else in our marriage, it seems). He does what he wants, when he wants it, and I just have to deal with it.

PS: I hope I addressed everything that needed to be addressed. If I missed something, let me know. :)

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rashea

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #106 on: February 27, 2012, 02:02:53 PM »
OP, I thought that the Monday Family dinner was for DH and DS at his parents home and it was your night to yourself?  It sounds like this has changed since your last post in the other thread.  Is your DH still only playing Xbox or leaving the house to socialize one night per week?  Or has that gone to more nights?

He's decided he needs 2 nights now, one for xbox and one to go out drinking with a newly-single friend. I have a different night that's my night to myself.


And you said, "Honey, we agreed on one night a week for each of us. Let's try this for 3 months, and then renegotiate." Because I'm not seeing where you agreed that he needs 2 nights a week, and that should have been a discussion.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

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CakeBeret

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #107 on: February 27, 2012, 02:24:57 PM »
And you said, "Honey, we agreed on one night a week for each of us. Let's try this for 3 months, and then renegotiate." Because I'm not seeing where you agreed that he needs 2 nights a week, and that should have been a discussion.

We discussed it...or at least we tried. He wouldn't agree to anything less than 2 nights. We compromised (if you can call it that) by agreeing that he'll be home in time to go to bed together one of those nights. He also said he wanted me to agree that I was satisfied and that I wouldn't bring it up again. Which I wasn't really satisfied, but I felt like I had no other options and he wasn't going to let it go until I did.
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rashea

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #108 on: February 27, 2012, 02:28:17 PM »
And you said, "Honey, we agreed on one night a week for each of us. Let's try this for 3 months, and then renegotiate." Because I'm not seeing where you agreed that he needs 2 nights a week, and that should have been a discussion.

We discussed it...or at least we tried. He wouldn't agree to anything less than 2 nights. We compromised (if you can call it that) by agreeing that he'll be home in time to go to bed together one of those nights. He also said he wanted me to agree that I was satisfied and that I wouldn't bring it up again. Which I wasn't really satisfied, but I felt like I had no other options and he wasn't going to let it go until I did.

That needs to go to the counselor. But honestly, he said 1 night a week. Now he's going back on that. He also tried to tell you how you are allowed to feel. That's sliding into emotionally abusive. And that's a bigger issue than him being grouchy one night. It's concerning that he did this so soon after committing to working on your relationship. I urge you to get a good counselor for yourself to help you see these things. And feel free to PM me if I can help.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

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Surianne

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #109 on: February 27, 2012, 02:32:33 PM »
The compromise on two nights, but home in time for bed, seems fair to me as long as the OP gets two of her own nights free.  I don't know that I'd jump straight to emotionally abusive.  It sounds like he's still working on his communication skills and they're not going to magically become perfect overnight -- it takes time.  Perhaps he thought at first that one night would be enough, but then found his needs changed.  I hope the OP too would be able to bring up a possible change and discuss it with her husband if she felt she needed one, rather than stick to the original plan and feel stifled.

Sheila Take a Bow

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #110 on: February 27, 2012, 02:39:04 PM »
And you said, "Honey, we agreed on one night a week for each of us. Let's try this for 3 months, and then renegotiate." Because I'm not seeing where you agreed that he needs 2 nights a week, and that should have been a discussion.

We discussed it...or at least we tried. He wouldn't agree to anything less than 2 nights. We compromised (if you can call it that) by agreeing that he'll be home in time to go to bed together one of those nights. He also said he wanted me to agree that I was satisfied and that I wouldn't bring it up again. Which I wasn't really satisfied, but I felt like I had no other options and he wasn't going to let it go until I did.

That sounds really manipulative to me.  And now, if you try to tell him that two nights for him and one night for you isn't working, he can tell you that you agreed to it and try to shut down the discussion that way.

I'm sorry, but this sounds like some serious backsliding to me.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #111 on: February 27, 2012, 02:43:30 PM »
The compromise on two nights, but home in time for bed, seems fair to me as long as the OP gets two of her own nights free.  I don't know that I'd jump straight to emotionally abusive.  It sounds like he's still working on his communication skills and they're not going to magically become perfect overnight -- it takes time.  Perhaps he thought at first that one night would be enough, but then found his needs changed.  I hope the OP too would be able to bring up a possible change and discuss it with her husband if she felt she needed one, rather than stick to the original plan and feel stifled.

I think the emotionally abusive part comes in where he wouldn't let it go until she agreed that she was satisfied and wouldn't bring it up again.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

penelope2017

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #112 on: February 27, 2012, 02:47:14 PM »
The compromise on two nights, but home in time for bed, seems fair to me as long as the OP gets two of her own nights free.  I don't know that I'd jump straight to emotionally abusive.  It sounds like he's still working on his communication skills and they're not going to magically become perfect overnight -- it takes time.  Perhaps he thought at first that one night would be enough, but then found his needs changed.  I hope the OP too would be able to bring up a possible change and discuss it with her husband if she felt she needed one, rather than stick to the original plan and feel stifled.

I've stayed out of all of this and the other thread, but if the OP gets two nights on her own, and DH gets two nights alone, that leaves three nights a week out of 7 they are together as a family. They have a child. Maybe that works with some families if that is what they both want. But it doesn't sound like the OP wants her DH to have more than one night alone nor does she want more than one night to herself.

I don't know. I see some people saying here that this might be a temporary backsliding. I see it as the OP's husband tried and it isn't working. Strongarming the OP into accepting what he wants, and on top of that, insisting she not only agree to it but that she is satisfied with it?

OP, I'm sorry, but I think at some point you are going to exhaust yourself trying to make this work when your DH, to me anyway, clearly wants either a. out or b. to do whatever he wants without regard for you or your child or your feelings. I know option a seems painful, but it will be inherently less painful in the long run.

If he's gone, you're alone, but with your freedom and ultimately the option to find someone who will be kind and appreciate you. If he's there, you're alone most of the time, as well as trapped and taken for granted and emotionally abused. I'm sorry, OP, but in your situation, I'd walk away at this point regardless of whatever trial period you've given him. Enough is enough.

CakeBeret

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #113 on: February 27, 2012, 02:52:42 PM »
The compromise on two nights, but home in time for bed, seems fair to me as long as the OP gets two of her own nights free.  I don't know that I'd jump straight to emotionally abusive.  It sounds like he's still working on his communication skills and they're not going to magically become perfect overnight -- it takes time.  Perhaps he thought at first that one night would be enough, but then found his needs changed.  I hope the OP too would be able to bring up a possible change and discuss it with her husband if she felt she needed one, rather than stick to the original plan and feel stifled.

I've stayed out of all of this and the other thread, but if the OP gets two nights on her own, and DH gets two nights alone, that leaves three nights a week out of 7 they are together as a family. They have a child. Maybe that works with some families if that is what they both want. But it doesn't sound like the OP wants her DH to have more than one night alone nor does she want more than one night to herself.

I don't know. I see some people saying here that this might be a temporary backsliding. I see it as the OP's husband tried and it isn't working. Strongarming the OP into accepting what he wants, and on top of that, insisting she not only agree to it but that she is satisfied with it?

OP, I'm sorry, but I think at some point you are going to exhaust yourself trying to make this work when your DH, to me anyway, clearly wants either a. out or b. to do whatever he wants without regard for you or your child or your feelings. I know option a seems painful, but it will be inherently less painful in the long run.

If he's gone, you're alone, but with your freedom and ultimately the option to find someone who will be kind and appreciate you. If he's there, you're alone most of the time, as well as trapped and taken for granted and emotionally abused. I'm sorry, OP, but in your situation, I'd walk away at this point regardless of whatever trial period you've given him. Enough is enough.


Plus he works late 1 night a week as well, so that would actually leave only 2 nights a week for family time.

Enough is enough? I kind of agree. I do feel like I should give the joint counseling a shot, though I've felt this past week that I'm not sure there's any chance of salvaging this. There's a lot of damage that's been done and he's still trying to manipulate me, IMO.
"From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful."

Surianne

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #114 on: February 27, 2012, 02:57:52 PM »
The compromise on two nights, but home in time for bed, seems fair to me as long as the OP gets two of her own nights free.  I don't know that I'd jump straight to emotionally abusive.  It sounds like he's still working on his communication skills and they're not going to magically become perfect overnight -- it takes time.  Perhaps he thought at first that one night would be enough, but then found his needs changed.  I hope the OP too would be able to bring up a possible change and discuss it with her husband if she felt she needed one, rather than stick to the original plan and feel stifled.

I've stayed out of all of this and the other thread, but if the OP gets two nights on her own, and DH gets two nights alone, that leaves three nights a week out of 7 they are together as a family. They have a child. Maybe that works with some families if that is what they both want. But it doesn't sound like the OP wants her DH to have more than one night alone nor does she want more than one night to herself.

To the bolded: yes, that's a good point, I suppose I'm approaching this from the perspective of my own family, where alone time is very important and was when I was growing up.  I'm guessing the problem is that the husband is like me, but the OP isn't.  I hope they're able to work it out in joint counselling.  I definitely think it's possible if both parties are able to see that their approach isn't "the right one", just different, and they need to figure out the happy medium for both of them. 

Teenyweeny

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #115 on: February 27, 2012, 03:02:53 PM »
CakeBeret, let's deconstruct what your spouse told you.

"I am putting my foot down. I get two nights to myself, every week. You do not get to have an opinion on this. You like it or lump it."

I'm sorry, but this man just does not care about you.  A *real* spouse would talk with you, and the two of you would work out just why he felt he needed so much time, and maybe he'd find other ways for that need of his to be met, or maybe you'd agree to giving him more time, but you'd come to a solution where you both felt loved and respected. Not this, "I get what I want, plus you have to deny your feelings so that *I* don't feel bad."

Plus, two nights that you *actually spend together* every week? That isn't a marriage (barring extenuating circumstances, obviously). That's about how often most 'seriously dating' couples that I know see each other. And you can bet that they're having more fun than you are.



rashea

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #116 on: February 27, 2012, 03:06:05 PM »
CakeBeret, let's deconstruct what your spouse told you.

"I am putting my foot down. I get two nights to myself, every week. You do not get to have an opinion on this. You like it or lump it."

And you're not allowed to bring it up or be upset about it.

Really, read this over and over CakeBeret. This is the message you got after being extra supportive for a month. This is the message you got after him waking up and realizing that he needed to recommit to you.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

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wolfie

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #117 on: February 27, 2012, 03:07:06 PM »
The compromise on two nights, but home in time for bed, seems fair to me as long as the OP gets two of her own nights free.  I don't know that I'd jump straight to emotionally abusive.  It sounds like he's still working on his communication skills and they're not going to magically become perfect overnight -- it takes time.  Perhaps he thought at first that one night would be enough, but then found his needs changed.  I hope the OP too would be able to bring up a possible change and discuss it with her husband if she felt she needed one, rather than stick to the original plan and feel stifled.

I've stayed out of all of this and the other thread, but if the OP gets two nights on her own, and DH gets two nights alone, that leaves three nights a week out of 7 they are together as a family. They have a child. Maybe that works with some families if that is what they both want. But it doesn't sound like the OP wants her DH to have more than one night alone nor does she want more than one night to herself.

I don't know. I see some people saying here that this might be a temporary backsliding. I see it as the OP's husband tried and it isn't working. Strongarming the OP into accepting what he wants, and on top of that, insisting she not only agree to it but that she is satisfied with it?

OP, I'm sorry, but I think at some point you are going to exhaust yourself trying to make this work when your DH, to me anyway, clearly wants either a. out or b. to do whatever he wants without regard for you or your child or your feelings. I know option a seems painful, but it will be inherently less painful in the long run.

If he's gone, you're alone, but with your freedom and ultimately the option to find someone who will be kind and appreciate you. If he's there, you're alone most of the time, as well as trapped and taken for granted and emotionally abused. I'm sorry, OP, but in your situation, I'd walk away at this point regardless of whatever trial period you've given him. Enough is enough.


Plus he works late 1 night a week as well, so that would actually leave only 2 nights a week for family time.

Enough is enough? I kind of agree. I do feel like I should give the joint counseling a shot, though I've felt this past week that I'm not sure there's any chance of salvaging this. There's a lot of damage that's been done and he's still trying to manipulate me, IMO.

If i were you I would give joint counseling a try. Not necessarily because i would think it worked but so that I could say to myself "I tried everything" should things not work out. Especially if you already have a session booked. He does know that what he is doing is wrong - otherwise he wouldn't be pushing you to agree with it. If he was confident that he was in the right he wouldn't need you to validate his choice by saying you were fine with it. That is the point that I think is the big warning flag - that he wants you to validate his choice and never bring it up again. That isn't reasonable behavior - no matter what else is going on. Definitely bring it up with the counselor - I hope he shakes some sense into your husband.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #118 on: February 27, 2012, 03:08:37 PM »
The compromise on two nights, but home in time for bed, seems fair to me as long as the OP gets two of her own nights free.  I don't know that I'd jump straight to emotionally abusive.  It sounds like he's still working on his communication skills and they're not going to magically become perfect overnight -- it takes time.  Perhaps he thought at first that one night would be enough, but then found his needs changed.  I hope the OP too would be able to bring up a possible change and discuss it with her husband if she felt she needed one, rather than stick to the original plan and feel stifled.

I've stayed out of all of this and the other thread, but if the OP gets two nights on her own, and DH gets two nights alone, that leaves three nights a week out of 7 they are together as a family. They have a child. Maybe that works with some families if that is what they both want. But it doesn't sound like the OP wants her DH to have more than one night alone nor does she want more than one night to herself.

I don't know. I see some people saying here that this might be a temporary backsliding. I see it as the OP's husband tried and it isn't working. Strongarming the OP into accepting what he wants, and on top of that, insisting she not only agree to it but that she is satisfied with it?

OP, I'm sorry, but I think at some point you are going to exhaust yourself trying to make this work when your DH, to me anyway, clearly wants either a. out or b. to do whatever he wants without regard for you or your child or your feelings. I know option a seems painful, but it will be inherently less painful in the long run.

If he's gone, you're alone, but with your freedom and ultimately the option to find someone who will be kind and appreciate you. If he's there, you're alone most of the time, as well as trapped and taken for granted and emotionally abused. I'm sorry, OP, but in your situation, I'd walk away at this point regardless of whatever trial period you've given him. Enough is enough.

I thought it was backsliding until the most recent update in which he very clearly manipulated/emotionally abused her and at the same time completely disregarded what she may have wanted because it just wasn't that important to him.  With that update, I'm on your page; though if CakeBeret is willing to give joint counseling a try, then I think she should.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Deetee

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Re: Communication issue & need perspective
« Reply #119 on: February 27, 2012, 04:29:47 PM »
Keep track, try the councelling. I'm sorry this is not going as nicely as it was a few weeks ago.