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Bad Relatives: Evil MIL

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Pen^2:
Refusing to enjoy yourself because of an arbitrary date is kind of silly. What's so special about a year? What about a month? Or 100 days? And besides, isn't it... I don't know, normal, to miss someone a little bit a lot of the time, instead of forgetting about them entirely until one day a year? I like Piratelvr1121: "something good got to come out of that awful day." Being angry at someone for not grieving the same way you do is weird (especially because said way of grieving is so strange and is probably unnatural for most people).

Back to the original story in this thread... it's possible it was made up or doctored, but I find that it could well be true also. The trouble with highly toxic people is that unless someone else has experienced something very similar, it tends to come off as unbelievable, made-up, exaggerated, or full of holes. I can't really talk to a lot of my friends about the issues I've had with my family for the same reason: they're great people (the friends, not the family), but their life experience simply won't let them take in the kinds of things that have happened. By default they'll assume things like, say, that both parties were partially right and partially wrong, and that both have exaggerated, and the best thing would be to kiss and make up. As opposed to, you know, all the recordings and concrete evidence that sadly says otherwise. It's just hard to express these things to people who haven't been as unfortunate. Nothing wrong with these people, it's just unusual for people to instantly and fully empathise with something so far outside of their personal experiences.

MIL is obviously to be avoided at all costs. Husband needs to be spoken to so that he realises that this treatment isn't acceptable and that he shouldn't sit by and do nothing while MIL refuses to let his child eat all day. Forget the MIL, she's quickly written off as evil. The husband here is potentially more damaging because he accepts this kind of thing. Work on him. Enablers are dangerous as hell, especially if you're living with one.

Redneck Gravy:

--- Quote from: Pen^2 on June 20, 2013, 06:06:57 AM ---Refusing to enjoy yourself because of an arbitrary date is kind of silly. What's so special about a year? What about a month? Or 100 days? And besides, isn't it... I don't know, normal, to miss someone a little bit a lot of the time, instead of forgetting about them entirely until one day a year? I like Piratelvr1121: "something good got to come out of that awful day." Being angry at someone for not grieving the same way you do is weird (especially because said way of grieving is so strange and is probably unnatural for most people).

Back to the original story in this thread... it's possible it was made up or doctored, but I find that it could well be true also. The trouble with highly toxic people is that unless someone else has experienced something very similar, it tends to come off as unbelievable, made-up, exaggerated, or full of holes. I can't really talk to a lot of my friends about the issues I've had with my family for the same reason: they're great people (the friends, not the family), but their life experience simply won't let them take in the kinds of things that have happened. By default they'll assume things like, say, that both parties were partially right and partially wrong, and that both have exaggerated, and the best thing would be to kiss and make up. As opposed to, you know, all the recordings and concrete evidence that sadly says otherwise. It's just hard to express these things to people who haven't been as unfortunate. Nothing wrong with these people, it's just unusual for people to instantly and fully empathise with something so far outside of their personal experiences.

MIL is obviously to be avoided at all costs. Husband needs to be spoken to so that he realises that this treatment isn't acceptable and that he shouldn't sit by and do nothing while MIL refuses to let his child eat all day. Forget the MIL, she's quickly written off as evil. The husband here is potentially more damaging because he accepts this kind of thing. Work on him. Enablers are dangerous as hell, especially if you're living with one.

--- End quote ---

I totally agree!  Enablers are very dangerous.

I don't doubt that the MIL is evil.  I am struggling with the other 14 people being completely unaware and that the husband and FIL are completely blind to what is going on is beyond me - that they would let their own child and grandchild go hungry...beyond comprehension.

I also agree with the life experience and relating to others who have not suffered or seen the dysfunction in action.  My SIL had a near perfect childhood and always rolls her eyes at the childhood my brother and I had - she seems shocked by some of the the stories we discuss with each other.  Yes we know we came from a dysfunctional family and we are able to discuss it as adults now, she just doesn't get it and never will.   

As a bizarre twist for her, when her dad died he left SIL and her sister XX dollars in his will - the entire remaining estate of XXX,XXX dollars went to their 3rd sister with absolutely no explanation.  She and both sisters were completely shocked and dumbfounded, however, 3rd sister did not offer to share and it has caused a major rift.  More dysfunction in action.     

 

Kiwipinball:

--- Quote from: Redneck Gravy on September 29, 2015, 08:52:32 AM ---
--- Quote from: Pen^2 on June 20, 2013, 06:06:57 AM ---Refusing to enjoy yourself because of an arbitrary date is kind of silly. What's so special about a year? What about a month? Or 100 days? And besides, isn't it... I don't know, normal, to miss someone a little bit a lot of the time, instead of forgetting about them entirely until one day a year? I like Piratelvr1121: "something good got to come out of that awful day." Being angry at someone for not grieving the same way you do is weird (especially because said way of grieving is so strange and is probably unnatural for most people).

Back to the original story in this thread... it's possible it was made up or doctored, but I find that it could well be true also. The trouble with highly toxic people is that unless someone else has experienced something very similar, it tends to come off as unbelievable, made-up, exaggerated, or full of holes. I can't really talk to a lot of my friends about the issues I've had with my family for the same reason: they're great people (the friends, not the family), but their life experience simply won't let them take in the kinds of things that have happened. By default they'll assume things like, say, that both parties were partially right and partially wrong, and that both have exaggerated, and the best thing would be to kiss and make up. As opposed to, you know, all the recordings and concrete evidence that sadly says otherwise. It's just hard to express these things to people who haven't been as unfortunate. Nothing wrong with these people, it's just unusual for people to instantly and fully empathise with something so far outside of their personal experiences.

MIL is obviously to be avoided at all costs. Husband needs to be spoken to so that he realises that this treatment isn't acceptable and that he shouldn't sit by and do nothing while MIL refuses to let his child eat all day. Forget the MIL, she's quickly written off as evil. The husband here is potentially more damaging because he accepts this kind of thing. Work on him. Enablers are dangerous as hell, especially if you're living with one.

--- End quote ---

I totally agree!  Enablers are very dangerous.

I don't doubt that the MIL is evil.  I am struggling with the other 14 people being completely unaware and that the husband and FIL are completely blind to what is going on is beyond me - that they would let their own child and grandchild go hungry...beyond comprehension.

I also agree with the life experience and relating to others who have not suffered or seen the dysfunction in action.  My SIL had a near perfect childhood and always rolls her eyes at the childhood my brother and I had - she seems shocked by some of the the stories we discuss with each other.  Yes we know we came from a dysfunctional family and we are able to discuss it as adults now, she just doesn't get it and never will.   

As a bizarre twist for her, when her dad died he left SIL and her sister XX dollars in his will - the entire remaining estate of XXX,XXX dollars went to their 3rd sister with absolutely no explanation.  She and both sisters were completely shocked and dumbfounded, however, 3rd sister did not offer to share and it has caused a major rift.  More dysfunction in action.     

--- End quote ---

If I noticed 1-2 people in a big family gathering not eating, I would assume they weren't hungry or had otherwise declined to eat for some reason. So I don't fault most of the family for not noticing. It might not have been DH or FIL's fault for not noticing that particular incident - without more details it's hard to say (did they hear OP ask for food earlier, was everyone seated together, were they in earshot for the racist remark). They absolutely should have noticed the general pattern of behavior (no pictures, no gifts) though.

Wordgeek:
Look at the date on this thread.

Please don't gravedig.

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