Bad Relatives: Evil MIL

[Asharah]

When I married my husband, he was 41 and I was 23.  This was almost 6 years ago, and we are still very much  in love, despite his hateful mother.   She seemed very nice to me, at first.  Her husband and I get along famously, this could be the reason for the sudden about-face.   A little history:  her younger son (my BIL) has a daughter who has THREE illegitimate children, and no husband in sight.  At one point, the authorities took her children away, and no one  could take them, so my husband and I decided to open our home to them.  They lived with us for 7 months, during that time I made sure that they were loved, cared for, fed, taken to the pediatrician, etc.  Also, I had TWO sets of professional pictures taken of them, and sent copies to MIL and other relatives.  They eventually went back to their mother.   Asharah's comment: I'm puzzled how this story relates to the rest of the post.

Fast forward a few years.  We FINALLY become pregnant (after years of infertility) through in-vitro fertilization.  She hates that her "bloodline" is contaminated with the likes of my son.  (I'm Asian)  I've sent her numerous photos of him, several portraits IN FRAMES, yet when we visit them, all the frames have their other grandkids pictures in them.  And there is not ONE picture of my son anywhere. Asharah's comment: Time to quit sending pictures. They have yet to ever give him a gift of any kind.  Not for his birth, nor any of his birthdays, or Christmas.  Nothing.  Normally I wouldn't make a big deal of this, but they constantly buy gifts for all the other grandkids, even the ones they have never even met.   The last straw was when we were there for a family reunion.  By 2 pm, there had been NO food provided for anyone.  I am a touch hypoglycemic, and began to tremor.  I asked if I could make a sandwich and was told NO.  Then, she went into the kitchen and made sandwiches  for 14 people.  Except that there were 16 of us.  My poor son and myself were left out.  After everyone had eaten (including my husband, but he didn't know what had transpired) I said, "Could I possibly make something for myself and my son?"  And she said, "Oh, I didn't know if you people would eat sandwiches.  I don't keep any rice in the house." Asharah's comment: At that point I would have forgiven you if you decked her.

Thankfully, I had packed a cooler full of food for us since we had driven hundreds of miles to get there.  So my son and I ate and were fine.   However, they will no longer have the privilege of seeing the wonderful little boy who will surely grow up to have better manners then they showed.   Thanks so much for the site!

Relatives1210-04

[atirial]

I'm actually speechless.

I said, "Could I possibly make something for myself and my son?"  And she said, "Oh, I didn't know if you people would eat sandwiches.  I don't keep any rice in the house."

I am surprised that wasn't the part where the writer and her husband left. There are so many things wrong with that sentence I don't know where to start.

[JadeAngel]

Maybe I'm just cynical, but that story doesn't entirely ring true to me. I agree with Asharah, why was the part about caring for the children put in when it has no bearing on the rest of the story?

If pressed I would guess that there is a chunk of information missing between taking the children in and the MIL's abrupt about face. I might theorise that said information does not cast the LW in a terribly favourable light and has thus been omitted. I wouldn't speculate on what the substance of the missing section was, it could be anything or nothing. I believe the original letter writer did notice a discrepancy between the way her child was treated compared to the other children of the family and is over emphasising the injury she and her child suffered. Maybe the MIL does appear to buy more presents for her other children... maybe she buys their school clothes and supplies to help the parents out when they're struggling financially, assistance she doesn't need to offer to the LW and her husband because they are financially stable. Maybe if she doesn't see them often she buys presents for their birthdays and christmas and gives them to the children in bundles (one for each occasion passed since their last visit)

There are no explanations for the sandwich affair which seems to be pure malice on the part of the MIL, but when the LW claims they got along fine in the beginning, it's rather odd that she can offer no explanation for this sudden change except for an outburst of racism.

As I said, maybe I'm just cynical

[WestAussieGirl]

I'm also a bit suspicious of this story.  How could the husband not be aware that his wife and child were not eating?  Why wouldn't the wife bring it to his attention immediately?  I would expect the father of my child to first give up his own food for the child, and second, to either deal with his mother or get us all out of there.

[nrb80]

I have seen a number of instances when someone who is racist can be super polite to a girlfriend or wife, but cannot handle an interracial child and turns nasty.  Truth is often stranger than fiction.

[MommyPenguin]

I think the point of mentioning taking in the other children was that she said she got professional portraits done of them and sent to the MIL.  *Those*, apparently, were put up, because she mentions that the MIL had pictures of "all her other grandchildren."  So she's pointing out that it's not that the MIL is refusing to accept the portraits she sends, but that the MIL is refusing to display a portrait of her son, presumably because of his race.

[YummyMummy66]

I have to wonder where your husband is in all of this?  How could he not know that you were not eating?  There were only 16 people at the event, 14 of whom received food.  Your husband did not notice you were not eating?  You were not sitting by him?  Why did you not say something to him?  If this has been going on for some time, your husband cannot be unaware of this situation, especially when you state that there are no pictures of his/your son up in grandma's home, grandparents give said grandchild no gifts what so ever.  Is your husband completely clueless.

Your MIL sounds like a real winner, but the person I see at fault here is your husband for letting this treatment by his mother continue of his wife and child. 

Your husband needs to step up to the plate and stand up for his family, you and your son. 

If not, my son and I would not be travelling to my inlaws any longer to be treated like dirt.  Let your husband go alone.

[purplemuse]

Maybe the first part of the story was included to show that MIL had no trouble with the Asian LW when she was looking after the white (I assume) grandkids, but somehow producing a half-Asian grandchild made both her and the child unwelcome in the family.

It almost seems like she's being punished for "allowing" her genes to contribute to the creation of MIL's grandchild.

[Emmy]

I wonder if the OP adds the part about caring for BIL's daughter's children to show that she selflessly took on a huge responsibility that nobody else in that family was willing or able to take on themselves.  It may come across as bragging, but I think the OP just wanted to illustrate that she gladly accepted and made sacrifices to take care of DH's family.  After the OP took good care of children from her husband's side, the heinous treatment of her and her child by her MIL seems even worse.

This story is difficult to believe.  I hope it is not true, I hate to believe people can be that mean.

[Perfect Circle]

Unfortunately I have a relative who doesn't consider a cousin's wife to be part of the family because she is foreign. I pointed out that in that case neither is my husband or my daughter - they are also foreign. Never heard another peep about it.

I hope the letter writer never went back on her word about visiting or seeing these people. I cannot imagine anything more hurtful than being shunned by people who are supposed to care about you.

[Twik]

I think the point of mentioning taking in the other children was that she said she got professional portraits done of them and sent to the MIL.  *Those*, apparently, were put up, because she mentions that the MIL had pictures of "all her other grandchildren."  So she's pointing out that it's not that the MIL is refusing to accept the portraits she sends, but that the MIL is refusing to display a portrait of her son, presumably because of his race.

I agree - also, it's to indicate that she has put a lot of effort into supporting the family, and has been shunned in return.

I think the husband has to step up here. It's HIS son who is being treated as if he's vermin intruding into his mother's household. Why isn't HE raging that his own mother takes his child's picture out of the frames he sends (presumably to throw away), and substitutes other grandchildren? I can't imagine anyone seeing that and not walking back out the door. Not feeding his wife and child is just icing on the cake. That his mother isn't offering to his family.

[Cami]

I'm disturbed that the OP makes no mention of her husband interceding or defending his wife and son.

[Mental Magpie]

I think the point of mentioning taking in the other children was that she said she got professional portraits done of them and sent to the MIL.  *Those*, apparently, were put up, because she mentions that the MIL had pictures of "all her other grandchildren."  So she's pointing out that it's not that the MIL is refusing to accept the portraits she sends, but that the MIL is refusing to display a portrait of her son, presumably because of his race.

That is also what I noticed.  She over explained why she had the kids and thus would have taken the portraits, but forgot to point out the importance of the portraits.

[Asharah]

I'm disturbed that the OP makes no mention of her husband interceding or defending his wife and son.

I recall another post somewhere that suggested a person who grows up around toxic people may get desensitized and not realize how toxic the person's behavior is until somebody calls their attention to it. Poster said she really didn't register how nasty her relative's insults were until somebody outside the family said "Why do you let her talk to you like that?" OP's hubby might have needed a few talks by wife to comprehend how vile his mom's actions were.

[FlyingBaconMouse]

Maybe the first part of the story was included to show that MIL had no trouble with the Asian LW when she was looking after the white (I assume) grandkids, but somehow producing a half-Asian grandchild made both her and the child unwelcome in the family.

It almost seems like she's being punished for "allowing" her genes to contribute to the creation of MIL's grandchild.

That's what I thought—and maybe to show that even grandchildren who come from circumstances that might also be expected to raise an older person's eyebrows are treated better than the OP and her son.