Bad Relatives: Evil MIL

[Elfmama]

I'm disturbed that the OP makes no mention of her husband interceding or defending his wife and son.

I recall another post somewhere that suggested a person who grows up around toxic people may get desensitized and not realize how toxic the person's behavior is until somebody calls their attention to it. Poster said she really didn't register how nasty her relative's insults were until somebody outside the family said "Why do you let her talk to you like that?" OP's hubby might have needed a few talks by wife to comprehend how vile his mom's actions were.

No doubt her family would excuse her with "Oh, that's just the way Mom is."  That was DH's family's excuse when my MIL behaved abominably to her daughters-in-law and granddaughters, while fawining on her grandsons.

[immadz]

I'm disturbed that the OP makes no mention of her husband interceding or defending his wife and son.

I recall another post somewhere that suggested a person who grows up around toxic people may get desensitized and not realize how toxic the person's behavior is until somebody calls their attention to it. Poster said she really didn't register how nasty her relative's insults were until somebody outside the family said "Why do you let her talk to you like that?" OP's hubby might have needed a few talks by wife to comprehend how vile his mom's actions were.

No doubt her family would excuse her with "Oh, that's just the way Mom is."  That was DH's family's excuse when my MIL behaved abominably to her daughters-in-law and granddaughters, while fawining on her grandsons.

One would think constant favoritism comes back to bite folks in the rear so often that people would stop doing this. Sigh!

[Elfmama]

I'm disturbed that the OP makes no mention of her husband interceding or defending his wife and son.

I recall another post somewhere that suggested a person who grows up around toxic people may get desensitized and not realize how toxic the person's behavior is until somebody calls their attention to it. Poster said she really didn't register how nasty her relative's insults were until somebody outside the family said "Why do you let her talk to you like that?" OP's hubby might have needed a few talks by wife to comprehend how vile his mom's actions were.

No doubt her family would excuse her with "Oh, that's just the way Mom is."  That was DH's family's excuse when my MIL behaved abominably to her daughters-in-law and granddaughters, while fawining on her grandsons.

One would think constant favoritism comes back to bite folks in the rear so often that people would stop doing this. Sigh!

Well... it didn't exactly come back to bite MIL on the rear...

Remember those grandsons who were the Golden Grandchildren?  One of them got married a few years ago.  While the rest of the family was at the wedding, MIL died in the nursing home.  Golden Grandson's first words, on being told that Grandma had died? "Please tell me that she died after midnight."

[MommyPenguin]

It sounds horrible, but I had a friend who died right after my wedding, and I was slightly relieved that it hadn't happened until the next morning, so that I didn't have to mourn for him on every wedding anniversary.  He was a very good friend, and I will miss him forever, but I'm just glad that we had at least that very small separation, and that I have separate days to celebrate and mourn.

[violinp]

It sounds horrible, but I had a friend who died right after my wedding, and I was slightly relieved that it hadn't happened until the next morning, so that I didn't have to mourn for him on every wedding anniversary.  He was a very good friend, and I will miss him forever, but I'm just glad that we had at least that very small separation, and that I have separate days to celebrate and mourn.

My paternal grandpa died the day before a maternal uncle's wedding, but I didn't find out until after the wedding. It's tough not to remember that.

[Twik]

Yes, I don't think that quote can be used to prove Golden Grandchild didn't care about his grandmother. It may well be he meant, "tell me that my anniversary will not be also the day my grandmother died."

[DoubleTrouble]

*snip*

There are no explanations for the sandwich affair which seems to be pure malice on the part of the MIL, but when the LW claims they got along fine in the beginning, it's rather odd that she can offer no explanation for this sudden change except for an outburst of racism.

As I said, maybe I'm just cynical

I've seen it with my own brother.

He was dating a woman (let's call her Meg) who was born in Asia (we're white) & came over here when she was young. Her parents were always nice to DB while they were dating but when Meg got pregnant all heck broke loose. Granted, my family didn't have the best time of it either & we tried our best to be supportive but Meg's parents insisted my nephew be given up for adoption (DB & Meg didn't want to get married, they had actually broken up). As Meg was not allowed back into her parent's home until after she had given birth, she ended up spending a lot of time with my parents since she lived in my hometown to go to college & DB was going to another school out of state. My mom had to be the one to take her shopping for maternity clothes & go to doctor's visits!

Meg's parents never wanted to see the baby even though my nephew's adopted parents practically insisted we become part of their lives via an open adoption (which we are eternally grateful for). My family has lost touch with Meg but from what we've heard through the grapevine, when Meg started dating another non-Asian & got pregnant again (but she did marry that guy), her parents disowned her. It was hard to go through all of it for us, I can't imagine how hard it was on Meg. Very sad.

[lollylegs]

Thankfully, I had packed a cooler full of food for us since we had driven hundreds of miles to get there.  So my son and I ate and were fine.   However, they will no longer have the privilege of seeing the wonderful little boy who will surely grow up to have better manners then they showed.   Thanks so much for the site!
Relatives1210-04

This is the strange part for me.  If the LW had food, why bother with all the nonsense about the sandwiches, especially if she was hypoglycemic?

[LeveeWoman]

Thankfully, I had packed a cooler full of food for us since we had driven hundreds of miles to get there.  So my son and I ate and were fine.   However, they will no longer have the privilege of seeing the wonderful little boy who will surely grow up to have better manners then they showed.   Thanks so much for the site!
Relatives1210-04

This is the strange part for me.  If the LW had food, why bother with all the nonsense about the sandwiches, especially if she was hypoglycemic?

Then, she went into the kitchen and made sandwiches  for 14 people.  Except that there were 16 of us.  My poor son and myself were left out.  After everyone had eaten (including my husband, but he didn't know what had transpired) I said, "Could I possibly make something for myself and my son?"  And she said, "Oh, I didn't know if you people would eat sandwiches.  I don't keep any rice in the house."

snip

Why the nonsense? Because she and her son were deliberately excluded from eating by the hostess who then hurled a racial slur at her.

[Mental Magpie]

Thankfully, I had packed a cooler full of food for us since we had driven hundreds of miles to get there.  So my son and I ate and were fine.   However, they will no longer have the privilege of seeing the wonderful little boy who will surely grow up to have better manners then they showed.   Thanks so much for the site!
Relatives1210-04

This is the strange part for me.  If the LW had food, why bother with all the nonsense about the sandwiches, especially if she was hypoglycemic?

Then, she went into the kitchen and made sandwiches  for 14 people.  Except that there were 16 of us.  My poor son and myself were left out.  After everyone had eaten (including my husband, but he didn't know what had transpired) I said, "Could I possibly make something for myself and my son?"  And she said, "Oh, I didn't know if you people would eat sandwiches.  I don't keep any rice in the house."

snip

Why the nonsense? Because she and her son were deliberately excluded from eating by the hostess who then hurled a racial slur at her.

I think what lollylegs is trying to say is that if she was hypoglycemic, why would she wait so long for the sandwiches to be made, then ask about them, when she had the solution all along in the cooler in the car?  Safety trumps etiquette, in which case, she should have gone out to the car and just got the food before her blood sugar plummeted rather than wait for her MIL to make not enough sandwiches, let everyone else eat them, then say something.

[lollylegs]

Thankfully, I had packed a cooler full of food for us since we had driven hundreds of miles to get there.  So my son and I ate and were fine.   However, they will no longer have the privilege of seeing the wonderful little boy who will surely grow up to have better manners then they showed.   Thanks so much for the site!
Relatives1210-04

This is the strange part for me.  If the LW had food, why bother with all the nonsense about the sandwiches, especially if she was hypoglycemic?

Then, she went into the kitchen and made sandwiches  for 14 people.  Except that there were 16 of us.  My poor son and myself were left out.  After everyone had eaten (including my husband, but he didn't know what had transpired) I said, "Could I possibly make something for myself and my son?"  And she said, "Oh, I didn't know if you people would eat sandwiches.  I don't keep any rice in the house."

snip

Why the nonsense? Because she and her son were deliberately excluded from eating by the hostess who then hurled a racial slur at her.

I think what lollylegs is trying to say is that if she was hypoglycemic, why would she wait so long for the sandwiches to be made, then ask about them, when she had the solution all along in the cooler in the car?  Safety trumps etiquette, in which case, she should have gone out to the car and just got the food before her blood sugar plummeted rather than wait for her MIL to make not enough sandwiches, let everyone else eat them, then say something.

^ Yes, this.  Sorry I wasn't clear.  The MIL was absolutely awful, no doubt about it.  I just wonder why she waited so long, with possible health complications, for the sandwiches when she had food with her.  Even if she'd said, "Oh, I left my whatever in the car," and then gone and scarfed down some food.  But I guess hindsight is 20/20.

[LeveeWoman]

Thanks! I understand now.

[Sophia]

I hate to say it, but I believe every word.  My Best Friend's mother is Japanese and her father is Hillbilly/Redneck/ArmyLifer.  My friend hates and despises her Paternal Grandparents, because they treated her, her brothers and her mother like dirt.  Her father turned a blind-eye to it because, well, he is a toad and he wanted to see his family. 

[BarensMom]

Wouldn't it have been rude for the OP to immediately go to her car and provide food for herself and her son without offering to share?  It also implied beforehand that MIL's hospitality wouldn't be good enough. The OP had probably heard that MIL was making sandwiches and made the (proper but inaccurate) assumption that there would be two available for them.  OP waited until it became apparent that there wasn't food for them and went to her car to make up the lack.

OP needs to refuse to visit MIL and give her husband a clue-by-four to the head.

[LeveeWoman]

Wouldn't it have been rude for the OP to immediately go to her car and provide food for herself and her son without offering to share?  It also implied beforehand that MIL's hospitality wouldn't be good enough. The OP had probably heard that MIL was making sandwiches and made the (proper but inaccurate) assumption that there would be two available for them.  OP waited until it became apparent that there wasn't food for them and went to her car to make up the lack.

OP needs to refuse to visit MIL and give her husband a clue-by-four to the head.

That was my first thought this morning but I lacked the caffeine to express it.