Bad Relatives: Evil MIL

[Clair Seulement]

Maybe I'm just cynical, but that story doesn't entirely ring true to me. I agree with Asharah, why was the part about caring for the children put in when it has no bearing on the rest of the story?

If pressed I would guess that there is a chunk of information missing between taking the children in and the MIL's abrupt about face. I might theorise that said information does not cast the LW in a terribly favourable light and has thus been omitted. I wouldn't speculate on what the substance of the missing section was, it could be anything or nothing. I believe the original letter writer did notice a discrepancy between the way her child was treated compared to the other children of the family and is over emphasising the injury she and her child suffered. Maybe the MIL does appear to buy more presents for her other children... maybe she buys their school clothes and supplies to help the parents out when they're struggling financially, assistance she doesn't need to offer to the LW and her husband because they are financially stable. Maybe if she doesn't see them often she buys presents for their birthdays and christmas and gives them to the children in bundles (one for each occasion passed since their last visit)

There are no explanations for the sandwich affair which seems to be pure malice on the part of the MIL, but when the LW claims they got along fine in the beginning, it's rather odd that she can offer no explanation for this sudden change except for an outburst of racism.

As I said, maybe I'm just cynical

Call me cynical too. I don't want to bash the OP, rather I think our impressions of this archival letter are worth discussing in general. I too am curious about the missing information, especially since it is coupled with the inclusion of other, only tangentially relevant details. Also, I hate to say it but I always take with a grain of salt those stories in which an OP tries to justify his or her position by claiming that other people's rudeness or failure to notice him or her triggered physical disease symptoms; this just strikes me as too convenient, and most of the time the indignation hinges on details that no one else could have known, or things that the chronic disease sufferer should have taken steps to prevent for themselves. Case in point: I don't understand why, if you have a cooler full of food (a good idea if one is hypoglycemic and has a small child in tow), you are nevertheless pestering your host for sandwiches (I gather that the actual party food was on the way, but late). We hear that no food was served "by 2 pm" but, saliently, we are not told how long OP was waiting around. These things coupled together convince me that we're missing other, possibly unflattering (to the OP) details, possibly including reasons why her MIL doesn't like her. Don't get me wrong, the deliberate sandwich refusal and racism are inexcusable under *any* circumstances; I just couldn't give any advice or much sympathy here given the presentation of the information.

I hope what I've said here doesn't violate any forum rules; I honestly think it's worth talking about in the context of being able and willing to weigh in on a given letter.

[Lady Snowdon]

With regard to the cooler of food being there, but the LW asking for something from MIL, I can come up with a scenario for that.  When I went with my parents on long road trips as a child, my mom would always pack a cooler full of food/drinks for the ride.  It was usually stuff like chips, licorice, string cheese, and bottled water; stuff that you could eat in the car without incurring a huge mess.  So I could absolutely see the LW asking for something more substantial (like a sandwich) once they'd reached the MIL's house, because you can fill up on chips and snacks, but it's usually not as satisfying.  Plus, the LW might have been relying on some of that cooler food being available for the drive back home! 

I realize it doesn't cover all the gaps, but I just wanted to throw that out there as an idea. 

[pierrotlunaire0]

One thing that hit me (and this tells you the kind of family I came from) is that it looks like people were served exactly one sandwich (and even if the LW and son hadn't been passed over, that just doesn't seem right for my family).  We would have had 3 sandwiches perperson, 4 kinds of potato salad, 2 vats of Cole slaw, coolers filled with every kind of beverage.  And so on and so on (and trust me, the so on would extend to about 4 tables).

For a big family gathering, and even the favored members get a sandwich?  Obviously not from the Midwest, where we can kill you with food (but you'll die with a smile on your face and pie crumbs on your chin).

[Bibliophile]

When I married my husband, he was 41 and I was 23.  This was almost 6 years ago, and we are still very much  in love, despite his hateful mother.   She seemed very nice to me, at first.  Her husband and I get along famously, this could be the reason for the sudden about-face.   A little history:  her younger son (my BIL) has a daughter who has THREE illegitimate children, and no husband in sight.  At one point, the authorities took her children away, and no one  could take them, so my husband and I decided to open our home to them.  They lived with us for 7 months, during that time I made sure that they were loved, cared for, fed, taken to the pediatrician, etc.  Also, I had TWO sets of professional pictures taken of them, and sent copies to MIL and other relatives.  They eventually went back to their mother.   Asharah's comment: I'm puzzled how this story relates to the rest of the post.

I think this relates to the rest of the story.  She got pictures made of children who were not even hers, opened her home to them and took care of them yet her MIL still insists on treating her & her son as second class citizens.  While she'll display the pics that were taken of the other kids, MIL won't display the pic of her son because he's half-Asian.  I believe the OP.  It might not be very detailed, but I can see someone trying to be polite in a bad situation and keeping quiet about the food.  MIL sounds horrible, but the OP's husband needs to do a bit more back up, if you ask me.

[weeblewobble]

I believe a man could sit by and let his kids be treated this way and claim that he "didn't realize" it was happening.  I have a friend whose inlaws have completely rejected her youngest child because he has special needs.  They insist that the doctors just made the condition up.  They fawn over every other grandchild, including friend's older kid, but they pretend the youngest doesn't exist. No gifts for him at holidays. They refuse to attend his birthday parties. No pictures of him in the house. When the kids are together, they wait until the the youngest is out of the way before they take pictures.

Her husband recognizes that it's happening, but can't seem to accept that his parents are really behaving this way.  Excuses include, "They're old fashioned and don't understand" or "They can't really mean it that way."  Friend has told her husband she and her kids will not see them again until this changes.  Her husband is OK with this, but can't cut them out of his life.  It's like it hasn't sunk in that they have rejected his child. It can't be real to him because that would mean his parents are terrible people.

[Addyson]

God! I'm very sympathetic of your experience in the family of your husband, especially the your poor son get discrimination in his grandparents'. And by the way, I'm Asian too, the word she said: "Oh, I didn't know if you people would eat sandwiches.  I don't keep any rice in the house."  If i were there, I would definitely break out!! And abuse her and all the insulted things she did to me and my poor son, Asharah, you know, sometime, you can't be so tolerant, you need to be strong to prevent any damage!

[Shoo]

Hillbilly/Redneck/ArmyLifer

I have heard of hillbilly.  I have heard of redneck.  I have never heard of "armylifer."  What does it mean?  It sounds derogatory toward people in the army.

[ladymaureen]

Hillbilly/Redneck/ArmyLifer

I have heard of hillbilly.  I have heard of redneck.  I have never heard of "armylifer."  What does it mean?  It sounds derogatory toward people in the army.

An Army lifer is someone who will be in the Army for his/her entire working life, as opposed to someone who is in the military for a while and then becomes a civilian.

[Sophia]

Hillbilly/Redneck/ArmyLifer

I have heard of hillbilly.  I have heard of redneck.  I have never heard of "armylifer."  What does it mean?  It sounds derogatory toward people in the army.

An Army lifer is someone who will be in the Army for his/her entire working life, as opposed to someone who is in the military for a while and then becomes a civilian.

Yep, just meant factual.  While Hillbilly and Redneck can be said as insults, sometimes like in this case, they are just factual and descriptive. 

[Mental Magpie]

God! I'm very sympathetic of your experience in the family of your husband, especially the your poor son get discrimination in his grandparents'. And by the way, I'm Asian too, the word she said: "Oh, I didn't know if you people would eat sandwiches.  I don't keep any rice in the house."  If i were there, I would definitely break out!! And abuse her and all the insulted things she did to me and my poor son, Asharah, you know, sometime, you can't be so tolerant, you need to be strong to prevent any damage!

This isn't Asharah's story, she just reposted it as a classic.  Just didn't want you to get confused...

[Shoo]

Hillbilly/Redneck/ArmyLifer

I have heard of hillbilly.  I have heard of redneck.  I have never heard of "armylifer."  What does it mean?  It sounds derogatory toward people in the army.

An Army lifer is someone who will be in the Army for his/her entire working life, as opposed to someone who is in the military for a while and then becomes a civilian.

Yep, just meant factual.  While Hillbilly and Redneck can be said as insults, sometimes like in this case, they are just factual and descriptive. 

Descriptive of what?  That he's in the army and it's his career?  I do not understand what that's got to do with anything.  If you weren't trying to disparage him for it, why even mention it?

[bloo]

I hate to say it, but I believe every word.  My Best Friend's mother is Japanese and her father is Hillbilly/Redneck/ArmyLifer.  My friend hates and despises her Paternal Grandparents, because they treated her, her brothers and her mother like dirt.  Her father turned a blind-eye to it because, well, he is a toad and he wanted to see his family.

Shoo, I think Sophia only mentioned it show how different, culturally speaking, the BFF's mother and father were. I didn't take it as a slur.

This is coming from a gal with an Asian mother and a Hillbilly/Redneck/NavyLifer father.

And the story is believable to me with the exception of DH tolerating the rude behavior towards the wife. My father was told in no uncertain terms to 'not bring that furr-e-nur around them'. My mom, not being able to conceive such rude behavior, dutifully sent greeting cards and pictures of us growing up - despite my dad giving them the Cut Direct. A few of them softened and spend time with my mom and us, but most treat us like we're invisible.

[Redneck Gravy]

"Her husband and I get along famously, this could be the reason for the sudden about-face."

Since the OP's husband doesn't have any guts - where are his dad's? 

If they get along so famously where does he stand on all this?  Why hasn't he spoken up or stood up?  Why hasn't the OP spoken up OUT LOUD for all to hear...why hasn't anyone else spoken up? 

I can't believe in a family of 14 sandwich eaters no one else has seen this and hasn't spoken up.  Is the OP exaggerating a bit or does this really go on?

And I consider myself a Redneck but the way it was used previously was meant to be and is insulting. 

[One Fish, Two Fish]

"Her husband and I get along famously, this could be the reason for the sudden about-face."

Since the OP's husband doesn't have any guts - where are his dad's? 

If they get along so famously where does he stand on all this?  Why hasn't he spoken up or stood up?  Why hasn't the OP spoken up OUT LOUD for all to hear...why hasn't anyone else spoken up? 

I can't believe in a family of 14 sandwich eaters no one else has seen this and hasn't spoken up.  Is the OP exaggerating a bit or does this really go on?

And I consider myself a Redneck but the way it was used previously was meant to be and is insulting.

Maybe FIL wasn't present?

[Piratelvr1121]

My maternal grandmother died on my anniversary, though I didn't find out until the next day.  My mother always seemed to be kind of put out in the following years that I didn't mourn my grandmother every year on my anniversary.  And by mourn I mean "Finding no enjoyment at all in that date forever more."

I loved my grandmother but it seemed very unfair to my dh to go forth as though that date was forever poisoned in my mind because that's the day she passed.  We'd been married for 6 years at that point, now it's been 13 and I've not let Gigi's death forever cast a cloud over the day.  I miss her, but I actually find myself missing her more in the summer than on the day she died because I greatly miss eating her deviled crabs and chatting with her while crabbing off their pier.