Author Topic: My friend is sharing too much about her and my ex, how do I ask her not to?  (Read 6728 times)

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Gyburc

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I agree with the PPs, you should tell your friend that you're not comfortable hearing about her and Ex at the moment, and ask her not to mention their dates. If she is a good friend, then she will understand, and the two of you can avoid the awkwardness. I hope this works out.

And (((hugs))). It will get better.

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Anniissa

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I agree with everyone who has said she's being rather inconsiderate. Even if she doesn't know you still have feelings for the guy, it still kinda comes across as rubbing your nose in it (not saying that she is doing this intentionally but that is how it could be perceived and if she isn't doing it deliberately then she is being rather unperceptive). I think most people would have an inkling that dating a close friend's ex has the potential for being a little weird for the friend. I don't have feelings for my ex's but I'd still find it a little strange to hear a close friend talking about details of their new love for each other.

Definitely talk to your friend - just tell her that because of your history with the guy that you find it a little uncomfortable hearing about how their date is going so well she decided to spend the night. It doesn't mean you don't want to talk to her anymore or that she completely has to hide the new relationship but just that you don't really feel keen on hearing all the details right now. She has got to know that dating a close friend's ex is likely to throw up some issues so it shouldn't be a surprise to her surely?

bah12

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I've already told you what I think you should say to your friend.

But, I also wanted to tell you that you have a golden opportunity right now.  I know that being in love with an ex is hard.  Even harder to watch him move on...and even harder than that, for it to be a friend.

The good thing for you is that you don't have to be around it.  You get to be in this new location and pursue a new job opportunity and leave that mess behind.  Obviously, you are going to remain in contact with people from home...but you've also moved on.  Take these two years to grow professionally, meet new friends, have new adventures.  I'm sure you'll even meet a new guy.  As hard as it is, try not to let your ex hold you back from all of that.  He doesn't deserve that peice of you.

cheyne

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I may go a bit against the grain here, but I don't think she is much of a "friend".  She mentioned that she was going on a date with Ex, didn't really talk to you about it-or get your feelings about it-and is now proceeding to tell you about their dates and the fact that she is spending the night at his place?  Not much of a friend in my book.  Either she is totally clueless and insensitive or a complete witch with a B.  Neither of which is good friendship material IMO.

I know it is difficult when you move from family and friends, you want to stay connected as that is your comfort zone.  Many times we cling to old friendships as they are our connection to home and comfort-even when those friendships have run their course and become harmful to us.  Has this friend been very close in the past?  Or is she someone who is still in contact with you where your other "home friends" are not in close contact?  I would dial this friendship back, make a big effort to meet people in your current location, and throw myself into my job and activities that are available in my new home. 

You say you are still in love with your Ex.  Will hearing about him (including intimate details) on a continuing basis make it easier or harder to move on?  Only you can answer that. 

dirtyweasel

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Honestly, she doesn't sound like much of a friend in my opinion.  My own experiences might be skewing how I feel, but it would be wholly unacceptable in my group for someone to start dating another friends ex unless they specifically said it was okay.  In your case, it's definitely not okay and I would be distancing myself from this "friend" real quick.



sallyann

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Thank you for all the lovely supportive replies :) and the hugs etc. it really did make me feel better.

I feel like I must have portrayed my friend unfairly. I don't feel she had to ask me permission to date my ex, or anything like that. We actually broke up over a year ago, he has the right to move on with his life etc. And she hasn't been gushing, just plainly mentioning 'I did so-and-so with ex' much like she does when talking about hanging out with any of our mutual friends.

It's just that most of the time I'm doing a good job of forgetting about him, and that all goes out the window when I talk to her and she reminds me of him in a way that makes me sad.

I think the people who suggested she was trying to be 'normal' about it, but awkwardly are probably right, rather than being intentionally malicious. On reflection, I've probably contributed to that. I wanted everything to be fine and for me to be over him, and so I've been telling myself I'm fine, and acting/giving out signals like I'm fine, and I'm not.

I am going to talk with her, and explain, that sadly I am not as cool with hearing her talk about him as I may have led her to believe,  that it hurts me, and I need more time before I can deal with it. Hopefully she will understand. I've also been thinking that it's possible I'll need to cut back a bit on talking to her till I have my head sorted out. I'll see how it goes.

Take these two years to grow professionally, meet new friends, have new adventures.  I'm sure you'll even meet a new guy.  As hard as it is, try not to let your ex hold you back from all of that.  He doesn't deserve that peice of you.

You are totally right. I do have lots of new friends etc, and there are lots of good things here, thank you for reminding me :)

JoyinVirginia

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I think cutting back on frequency of talks is a good idea. There its a quote from Joseph Campbell, something like ”we have to be willing to let go of the life we have planned in order to live the life that is waiting for us.” Clear the clutter of the old, to make room for the new.

rachellenore

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I don't get why you would greenlight the situation when you're still in love with him. This doesn't sound like a problem that will be solved with etiquette. If you ever want to be happy again you need to stop contacting anyone who contacts your ex. Only after a few years of being 100% separated can you get over a person with whom you were deeply connected.

bah12

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I don't get why you would greenlight the situation when you're still in love with him. This doesn't sound like a problem that will be solved with etiquette. If you ever want to be happy again you need to stop contacting anyone who contacts your ex. Only after a few years of being 100% separated can you get over a person with whom you were deeply connected.

I don't think she gets to tell other women who they can and can't date.  Yes, for a good friend, I would probably not want to jeopardize the friendship over a guy I liked, and friends' feelings should be taken into account.  They can't, however, prevent the relationships.  They just choose how to react to them.

The OP probably didn't feel she had any right to tell her friend that it wasn't ok. I'm unclear if the friend is even aware of how strong her feelings are (this wasn't a recent breakup).

She can tell her friend that it makes her uncomfortable to hear about it all the time.  That's a reasonable thing to ask...that she not get into all the details until some more time has passed.  She can also choose to distance herself from the friendship emotionally to deal with her feelings on her own...that is also a reasonable course of action.

Cami

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I think you owe it to yourself to be honest about your feelings to friend.  That was your first mistake, IMO.   If you don't feel you can be honest with her then perhaps the friendship is not as close as you think. 

I don't think it matters a whole lot, but was your breakup with ex due to your moving?  I wonder if maybe he is trying to get back at you?  I also wonder if she is over-compensating for the fact that she may be seen as "second fiddle" in this situation.

I agree there is nothing "wrong" with her dating him, but in my world, a move like this by a friend would be completely off-limits and cause for serious repercussions on the friendship.   The only exception would be if the friend came to me before getting involved, we had a long heart to heart and I could see that it's something she just can't bare to leave alone due to very strong feelings for him... that just happened (i.e. she didn't intentionally pursue him behind my back). 

I agree with PPs who've said she is, at best, insensitive and at worst, intentionally cruel.  Color me flabbergasted.  You do not need to feel bad for the way you feel.  It seems very natural to me.  She ABSOLUTELY should have checked with you BEFORE going ahead and dating him.  There are unwritten codes of honor in friendship and she broke one of them.  It was her responsibility to establish whether or not this was a relationship you were over.  This is a terrible situation, OP and I really feel for you.  Tell her your feelings, if she's any kind of a friend, or human being for that matter, she will understand where you're coming from.

Hugs to you!  Hang in there.

In my world, dating the ex of your friend is a violation of the girl code. Not done. If done, has negative repercussions on the friendship.

bah12

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In my world, dating the ex of your friend is a violation of the girl code. Not done. If done, has negative repercussions on the friendship.

I agree but only to an extent.  One of my very good friends is currently married to one of my ex-boyfriends.  She did not ask me for permission to date him and I would not have felt the need to have to give it.

But, I wasn't still in love with him and I had already married someone else when they got together. 

My best friend was set up with a guy she dated for a few months by another mutual friend.  But, the connection wasn't there.  After they broke up, the guy and the friend that did the matchmaking ended up getting together.  (In this case, she did talk to my best friend first).  They too are now married.

I think that there's a degree to which this is true.  I actually don't subscribe to the "She has a claim on a guy she's not dating" school of thought.  I do think, however, that friends need to be considerate of each other's feelings.  I would not want to date a friend's ex immediately after they broke up and I wouldn't want to do it if I knew there were still feelings there.  I'd definitely feel the need to talk to my friend about it first and though, I've personally never dated (or wanted to date) a friend's ex, I would like to think that my feelings would have to be really strong in order for me to go there in the first place.

I have an ex-friend who is also married to one of my ex-boyfriends....and their relationship did end our friendship.   I didn't have feelings for him when they got together, but they started dating almost immediately after we had broken up.  (I broke up with him because I hated kissing him...weird, but true).  She chose not tell me about it and hid their relationship for me for almost 6 months.  When I did see them out together or heard from other friends that they were going out, she told me they were just friends.  Eventually, I found out the truth and she told me that the feelings were just really, really strong and she couldn't deny them.  And all of that was fine, except for the fact that she didn't respect me enough to just tell me about it first.  I also found out that he called her the night we broke up to get some insight into what I was thinking.  I can't help but wonder if any advice she gave him did not have my best interest in mind, but instead, wanted him to get over me faster so that they could go out.

So, I really think it depends.

For the OP's situation, she said the relationship has been over for some time...and she moved away.  I don't think the friend knows her feelings and she did give her the benefit of telling her what was going on.  So, I'm not going to say that her friend violated the girl-code just yet.  I do think the OP needs to confess her discomfort soon and let her know why she needs time to get with the idea of them being together...and also let her know why she may need to pull away for a while.

Cattitude

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I also think your friend committed a grievous act against the girl code.  I would never, ever have dated anyone that one of my friends had been with.  The feeling is mutual among my friends.  It is just not done.  Having said that, I do think OP that your best bet is to be honest with this chick.  She needs to know how hurtful this is to you.

Good luck and hugs.

MariaE

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I agree completely with bah.

Besides, the OP doesn't think her friend did anything wrong in dating her ex, only in engaging in TMI, so why are people trying to tell her she's wrong and to be more bothered than she is? It seems counterproductive.
 
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Mikayla

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The OP probably didn't feel she had any right to tell her friend that it wasn't ok. I'm unclear if the friend is even aware of how strong her feelings are (this wasn't a recent breakup).


I agree with this, and for me, it makes a big difference.  If the friend is/was aware of the strong feelings OP has about this guy, then I don't think it makes sense to try to justify her insensitivity.  I'd head into boorish, rude and major violation of Girl Code!

If friend has no idea, then I'd vote incredibly insensitive. 

I don't get people sometimes.



Rivaini

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I also think your friend committed a grievous act against the girl code.  I would never, ever have dated anyone that one of my friends had been with.  The feeling is mutual among my friends.  It is just not done.  Having said that, I do think OP that your best bet is to be honest with this chick.  She needs to know how hurtful this is to you.

Good luck and hugs.


This may be something that you and your friends agree on, but there is no universal "girl code".

Heck, in my circle if dating exes were not "allowed" we'd darn near all be single.  ;D
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