Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?

[guihong]

I thought WillyNilly was making a funny  .  I have friends all over the world; of course they're not coming to a birthday party or a cookie exchange at Christmas.  Even if they were close by,  they probably wouldn't expect to be invited to a family wedding.

I think the point was also that it's not rude to mention the wedding-presumably, aunts, uncles and other members know it's going to be small and in fact, it's the next best thing to being there? 

[WillyNilly]

I think family - an aunt, local, involved in the happy couple's life - does have a reasonable expectation of being invited. The OP has posted (in another, related thread) this is the first family wedding without aunts & uncles beng invited. Its ok or the couple to not invite extended family, but that doesn't mean its not an unexpected course of action.

I also think there is a dfference between a mention and multiple postings. Mentioning a one ime, limited invite event (like going out to dinner or a company outting) once and posting updates -plural- about a wedding, to me are very different things.

I thought it was obnoxious for my cousin to post about her wedding when some cousins were invited and some were not, and a total of at least 100 guest were invited. Most of people I know on Facebook might post once when they get engaged but that's it, maybe 1 or 2 updates the day before or after the actual big day but that's it. Its very discreet.

[QueenofAllThings]

I do, in general agree with WillyNilly on this. I have several facebook friends who are getting married - they are not close friends, and I would not expect (or want) to be invited, but they are constantly updating their status (Tried cakes today! Picked out shoes today!) with, IMHO, the most egregious update being "Send out invitations today!". I'm not sure why, but it just doesn't sit well with me - much as having a colleague say to someone not invited "I sent out invitations today!"

And I do have friends who say, on FBook, "Girl's Night out tonight - woohoo!" - which is how I find out that, this time, I wasn't invited. So I'm basically rambling to say that I believe that people should take care with their public postings. Etiquette is about making others feel comfortable and welcome, not left out.

That being said, I don't believe you can expect an enthused bride with an 8-month engagement to never mention it on FBook.

[princessdolly]

I think family - an aunt, local, involved in the happy couple's life - does have a reasonable expectation of being invited. The OP has posted (in another, related thread) this is the first family wedding without aunts & uncles beng invited. Its ok or the couple to not invite extended family, but that doesn't mean its not an unexpected course of action.

I also think there is a dfference between a mention and multiple postings. Mentioning a one ime, limited invite event (like going out to dinner or a company outting) once and posting updates -plural- about a wedding, to me are very different things.

I thought it was obnoxious for my cousin to post about her wedding when some cousins were invited and some were not, and a total of at least 100 guest were invited. Most of people I know on Facebook might post once when they get engaged but that's it, maybe 1 or 2 updates the day before or after the actual big day but that's it. Its very discreet.

But OP doesn't have an expectation to be invited because she was already told that she wouldn't be.

This is why I refuse to use Facebook. It is too easy to offend and be offended. 

[WillyNilly]

That being said, I don't believe you can expect an enthused bride with an 8-month engagement to never mention it on FBook.

I do. I have been engaged since August and my wedding is next October. I changed my status when I got engaged and due to equests from that posted a pic of my ring. And that has been it, publicly.

Have I sent PM's via FB? Yes of course. Have I posted vague updates "spent the evening at an expo with Julie - 10 pounds of gift bag to be lugged home on the subway!" where I didn't say it was a bridal expo, and it was open to the public anyway and people know I go to all sorts of shopping vents, promotional events, etc (and happily bring along anyone who says "hey next time let me know I'd like to go)? Yes. Or I might post a vague "it was good seeing you!" on my FMIL's page after a day spent wedding planning. But I don't mention anything that is clearly identifiable as "wedding" and I expect other's do behave similarly (and IME, most - especially the one's with couth in general - do).

I was a complete person with a full life before becoming a "bride to be" and found things to post about, those things are still in my life now. The wedding is not an event everyone is invited to, so I follow the basic ettquette rule of not posting it where everyone would see it. I don't talk about my wedding at parties, or at work, or at the bar either, unless asked or in a private conversation with a friend who is invited - in conversation with casual friends I find other topics to talk about or remain vague (for example, if asked about any plans this weekend? "Oh just some shopping").

Basically I treat FB like party conversation - mentioning your recent vacation, or a new restaurant that others still have the opportunity to experience on their own is great, gushing about a party you are hosting but not inviting everyone to, is not.

[emwithme]

Oh I absolutely can't be quiet about my wedding on facebook.  I am getting married this September. 

I have used facebook to let people know I'm engaged, show off the ring, get comments on potential bridesmaid dresses (my flower girl and her mum are over 100 miles away)/shoes, and just generally be excited about being engaged and planning a wedding.

I have some friends on facebook I've never met - in fact, I'm going to be meeting one of them for the first time at my wedding.  We've been online friends for nearly a decade now, and it would just be wrong to have such a big event without her there. 

[iradney]

Gosh, then I must have been frightfully rude when I mentioned a few of my wedding plans on FB. By that thinking, was it not rude when people would take out ads in the paper announcing their marriage? After all, the people who read that might have expected to be invited as well (neighbours, teachers, friends of friends, friends of family etc).

[Instantkarma]

I actually disagree with the others and quite frankly am shocked! I think it is outstandingly rude to post about a wedding on Facebook if not all your facebook friends are invited! The same rules for society apply on Facebook and the long established, well known rule is you don't talk about parties you are throwing in front of people who aren't invited. Its really not difficult. At all.

I disagree - I love seeing wedding updates on FB, it lets me be happy for the couple even when I dont expect an invite.  I have had a couple of college friends get married this year and I was so happy to see pictures/watch them plan!

[padua]

definitely not rude. if i didn't post interesting events in my life, i wouldn't have anything to talk about. is it rude to mention lunch with a friend when mutual acquaintances weren't invited? what about having a few friends over for dinner? i don't see facebook at all like an ongoing conversation- i see it more as glimpses into the lives of friends and families. i'd have the same muted reaction to someone posting an event on their blog. it's their space- they can post what they like. unlike a conversation that's directed to me, i don't have to partake if i don't want to.

[Lynnv]

I don't think it is rude either.  It might be insensitive, given the family dynamics mentioned by the OP, but I don't think that it is rude.  I have many, many, many FB friends who fall into groups of people who would not be invited to my wedding.  Folks I knew in high school and would never have connected with except for FB, distant relatives, people who play the same online game I do, people I connected with via a hobby (I have both glass and motorcycle friends on FB).  If I never posted about events to which these folks aren't invited, I wouldn't be able to post anything but cute cat pictures and the occasional complaint about glass that isn't breaking the way I want it to. 

[Roe]

I agree with WillyNilly and think it is rude. 

Granted, I don't mind seeing wedding updates because I have no reasonable expectation to be invited to a friend's wedding but the OP isn't a distant relative or a friend that the bride sees once or twice a year.  This is a *close* relative who is hurt at being left out so I can see how the brides constant updates can be hurtful. 

If the bride *must* post about her wedding, she should use the group function and that way she can make sure all wedding statuses go only to those invited.

I don't see why it's so hard to be considerate of others. 

[jimithing]

I agree with WillyNilly and think it is rude. 

Granted, I don't mind seeing wedding updates because I have no reasonable expectation to be invited to a friend's wedding but the OP isn't a distant relative or a friend that the bride sees once or twice a year.  This is a *close* relative who is hurt at being left out so I can see how the brides constant updates can be hurtful. 

If the bride *must* post about her wedding, she should use the group function and that way she can make sure all wedding statuses go only to those invited.

I don't see why it's so hard to be considerate of others.

But whose responsibility is it to manage those hurt feelings? I've seen tons and tons of posts from people who were hurt over things that really were not rude. Or were upset about not being invited to something that there was no expectation of them being invited to anyway.

And even I have been hurt over being left out, but I knew that there were only a certain amount of people able to be invited, etc., and I certainly didn't blame them for posting a picture or mentioning how much fun they had. I think people do have to take some accountability for their feelings and learn that things will be talked about, posted about, etc., and so it's a good idea to figure out how to respond to those things. I have a good friend who realized that she was just too sensitive for FB and had a hard time hearing about things she was being left out of. So she deleted her entire FB account, and she said that she's a much happier person, now.

I think that FB has created an etiquette gray area. I know that I love to hear about weddings and things, and love FB for keeping me updated on plans, even if I can't attend a function. I think people are darned if they do, darned if they don't. People will get upset if you don't post about events and functions, and other will be upset.

[Roe]

Jimi, for the most part, I do agree with you.  Personally, I enjoy seeing pictures of events even if I wasn't invite or could not attend. 

However, I do see the OP's situation as different.  One, it's a close relative that is being left out.  Two, the bride is posting more than a few statuses about the wedding. (got that impression from OP) And three, the OP did do something about it when she hid the bride's feed.  (which I think was a good idea)

I don't blame the bride for mentioning her wedding...she's happy and in love.  However, she does have to watch herself and make sure that it doesn't go into obnoxious territory, which I assume happened due to the fact that the OP stated she "couldn't take it anymore." 

I think it's a bit of give and take. 

I won't get insulted at being excluded, if you don't continue to gush at every opportunity.  KWIM?

As for the OP's situation, I do think the bride should've been more considerate of her family's feelings given that she omitted *close* relatives from her guest list.  The potential for hurt feelings is great and she does have some responsibility to think about that when posting.  She could've avoided everything by simply creating a "guests to my wedding" group when posting.  Easy peasy. 

[princessdolly]

Jimi, for the most part, I do agree with you.  Personally, I enjoy seeing pictures of events even if I wasn't invite or could not attend. 

However, I do see the OP's situation as different.  One, it's a close relative that is being left out.  Two, the bride is posting more than a few statuses about the wedding. (got that impression from OP) And three, the OP did do something about it when she hid the bride's feed.  (which I think was a good idea)

I don't blame the bride for mentioning her wedding...she's happy and in love.  However, she does have to watch herself and make sure that it doesn't go into obnoxious territory, which I assume happened due to the fact that the OP stated she "couldn't take it anymore." 

I think it's a bit of give and take. 

I won't get insulted at being excluded, if you don't continue to gush at every opportunity.  KWIM?

As for the OP's situation, I do think the bride should've been more considerate of her family's feelings given that she omitted *close* relatives from her guest list.  The potential for hurt feelings is great and she does have some responsibility to think about that when posting.  She could've avoided everything by simply creating a "guests to my wedding" group when posting.  Easy peasy.

But then someone else in the family could feel hurt that they are being excluded from any discussion of the wedding just cos they're not invited. That they don't get to be even peripherally involved.

Deleting the feed was ok and posting about wedding was ok. You can't please everyone and I believe OP has previously stated that she is deeply hurt about the lack of invite, but I am sure there are many FB friends and family who aren't invited but love the updates.

Just because someone feels hurt doesn't mean someone was in the wrong.

[Roe]

I think it's less likely someone get hurt over being omitted from the conversation if they aren't invited to the wedding than someone being hurt by being hit over the head with wedding conversation when they aren't invited.  But maybe that's just me.