Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?

[jimithing]

I don't blame the bride for mentioning her wedding...she's happy and in love.  However, she does have to watch herself and make sure that it doesn't go into obnoxious territory, which I assume happened due to the fact that the OP stated she "couldn't take it anymore." 

I totally agree that posting constantly is obnoxious and annoying, but that doesn't necessarily mean rude, per se. I do think the OP did the right thing by hiding the feed, which is what we advocate when something on FB bothers you.

[kareng57]

I think it's less likely someone get hurt over being omitted from the conversation if they aren't invited to the wedding than someone being hurt by being hit over the head with wedding conversation when they aren't invited.  But maybe that's just me.

I agree that frequency/quantity can make a difference.  A brief update about the wedding maybe once a week - no biggee, IMO.  Long, detailed, almost-daily updates - I too would find that kind of wearying, even if I was invited, and it could indeed seem kind of in-your-face to those who weren't.

[CakeEater]

I'm with WillyNilly on this one as well. And, no, I don't post about anything on FB that I have hosted that doesn't include everyone.

[TootsNYC]

I will say--if it's such a small wedding that she's not inviting aunts & uncles, how complicated is it, that it generates so much Facebook conversation?

I do think that if you're not inviting a relatively close tier of relatives, you really should keep it down to a VERY dull roar on Facebook.

[WillyNilly]

definitely not rude. if i didn't post interesting events in my life, i wouldn't have anything to talk about. is it rude to mention lunch with a friend when mutual acquaintances weren't invited? what about having a few friends over for dinner? i don't see facebook at all like an ongoing conversation- i see it more as glimpses into the lives of friends and families. i'd have the same muted reaction to someone posting an event on their blog. it's their space- they can post what they like. unlike a conversation that's directed to me, i don't have to partake if i don't want to.

Do you (and I mean general "you" just quoting this post but several others have referenced going out to dinner as well) really consider going out to dinner with a friend as the same thing as throwing a wedding?  Really?  You see no difference?  A dinner party at your home and a wedding are totally on par with one another?  An afternoon of apple picking or an evening at the movies is the same as a wedding?

When you go to a regular party, or to the cafeteria for lunch or out for a fitness walk with friends what are appropriate topics of conversation?  Its ok to mention you went out to dinner or went on vacation or went to a work function.  This is normal conversation.  But it is always inappropriate to mention a (social) party you are hosting but are not inviting the person you are chatting with to.  This is basic etiquette AFAIK.

Its ok to mention a dinner because a dinner (or cookie baking, or a hike on a local trail) is a situation that can happen again, not to mention its generally expected that the guest list will be quite small and that someone else may have planned it.  Or a work function because you're not in charge of the guest list for that nor is it strictly social.  Etc.  But a wedding is a once in a lifetime event (or at least its generally approached as such), its generally a larger guest list then a mere dinner, and when speaking of your own wedding, you are in charge of the guest list.

[Allyson]

Do you (and I mean general "you" just quoting this post but several others have referenced going out to dinner as well) really consider going out to dinner with a friend as the same thing as throwing a wedding?  Really?  You see no difference?  A dinner party at your home and a wedding are totally on par with one another?  An afternoon of apple picking or an evening at the movies is the same as a wedding?

A small, immediate-family only wedding? Yes. I don't see how mentioning one is rude and the other isn't. A huge, everyone's-invited-but-you wedding? Okay, sure, I can see why people might be hurt at being invited. In some ways I'd even see mentioning the wedding as less rude--my friend didn't previously know about the apple picking adventure I had with Anna, so is just learning about something she wasn't invited to. But she sure did know that I was getting married in a small ceremony!

[Two Ravens]

definitely not rude. if i didn't post interesting events in my life, i wouldn't have anything to talk about. is it rude to mention lunch with a friend when mutual acquaintances weren't invited? what about having a few friends over for dinner? i don't see facebook at all like an ongoing conversation- i see it more as glimpses into the lives of friends and families. i'd have the same muted reaction to someone posting an event on their blog. it's their space- they can post what they like. unlike a conversation that's directed to me, i don't have to partake if i don't want to.

Do you (and I mean general "you" just quoting this post but several others have referenced going out to dinner as well) really consider going out to dinner with a friend as the same thing as throwing a wedding?   Really?  You see no difference?  A dinner party at your home and a wedding are totally on par with one another?  An afternoon of apple picking or an evening at the movies is the same as a wedding?

When you go to a regular party, or to the cafeteria for lunch or out for a fitness walk with friends what are appropriate topics of conversation?  Its ok to mention you went out to dinner or went on vacation or went to a work function.  This is normal conversation.  But it is always inappropriate to mention a (social) party you are hosting but are not inviting the person you are chatting with to.  This is basic etiquette AFAIK.

Its ok to mention a dinner because a dinner (or cookie baking, or a hike on a local trail) is a situation that can happen again, not to mention its generally expected that the guest list will be quite small and that someone else may have planned it.  Or a work function because you're not in charge of the guest list for that nor is it strictly social.  Etc.  But a wedding is a once in a lifetime event (or at least its generally approached as such), its generally a larger guest list then a mere dinner, and when speaking of your own wedding, you are in charge of the guest list.

But these people are not "throwing a wedding." They are having a small, immediate family only ceremony. It's not a huge bash where lots of people are invited.

[Bibliophile]

Do you (and I mean general "you" just quoting this post but several others have referenced going out to dinner as well) really consider going out to dinner with a friend as the same thing as throwing a wedding?  Really?  You see no difference?  A dinner party at your home and a wedding are totally on par with one another?  An afternoon of apple picking or an evening at the movies is the same as a wedding?

A small, immediate-family only wedding? Yes. I don't see how mentioning one is rude and the other isn't. A huge, everyone's-invited-but-you wedding? Okay, sure, I can see why people might be hurt at being invited. In some ways I'd even see mentioning the wedding as less rude--my friend didn't previously know about the apple picking adventure I had with Anna, so is just learning about something she wasn't invited to. But she sure did know that I was getting married in a small ceremony!

POD.  Throw me in with the people who don't see it as rude.  The niece has chosen a wedding with immediate family only - there isn't anything rude in that.  If one is going to get his/her feelings hurt over any discussion about said wedding, the best thing to do would be to unsubscribe, which was done.  The niece hasn't done anything wrong though.

[WillyNilly]

Do you (and I mean general "you" just quoting this post but several others have referenced going out to dinner as well) really consider going out to dinner with a friend as the same thing as throwing a wedding?  Really?  You see no difference?  A dinner party at your home and a wedding are totally on par with one another?  An afternoon of apple picking or an evening at the movies is the same as a wedding?

A small, immediate-family only wedding? Yes. I don't see how mentioning one is rude and the other isn't. A huge, everyone's-invited-but-you wedding? Okay, sure, I can see why people might be hurt at being invited. In some ways I'd even see mentioning the wedding as less rude--my friend didn't previously know about the apple picking adventure I had with Anna, so is just learning about something she wasn't invited to. But she sure did know that I was getting married in a small ceremony!

POD.  Throw me in with the people who don't see it as rude.  The niece has chosen a wedding with immediate family only - there isn't anything rude in that.  If one is going to get his/her feelings hurt over any discussion about said wedding, the best thing to do would be to unsubscribe, which was done.  The niece hasn't done anything wrong though.

It would be rude for her to do in person (discuss a party she isn't inviting everyone to) so as far as I'm concerned its rude to do publicly on Facebook.

Its not rude of her to not invite everyone - she can have whatever size wedding she wants with whomever on the guest list she wants - just rude to openly discuss it in front of those not invited.

You can, and apparently many of you do, disagree, but just know as you discuss parties on Facebook that you are hosting and not inviting people to, at least some of your friends list will think you are behaving very rudely.  Again not rude for not inviting people, but rude for discussing the party in front of those not invited.

(all "you" statements are general)

[Surianne]

POD.  Throw me in with the people who don't see it as rude.  The niece has chosen a wedding with immediate family only - there isn't anything rude in that.  If one is going to get his/her feelings hurt over any discussion about said wedding, the best thing to do would be to unsubscribe, which was done.  The niece hasn't done anything wrong though.

I agree as well on both points: the niece isn't rude to discuss the wedding on Facebook, and the OP handled her hurt very appropriately in unsubscribing.

This sums it up for me:

Just because someone feels hurt doesn't mean someone was in the wrong.

[Bibliophile]

Do you (and I mean general "you" just quoting this post but several others have referenced going out to dinner as well) really consider going out to dinner with a friend as the same thing as throwing a wedding?  Really?  You see no difference?  A dinner party at your home and a wedding are totally on par with one another?  An afternoon of apple picking or an evening at the movies is the same as a wedding?

A small, immediate-family only wedding? Yes. I don't see how mentioning one is rude and the other isn't. A huge, everyone's-invited-but-you wedding? Okay, sure, I can see why people might be hurt at being invited. In some ways I'd even see mentioning the wedding as less rude--my friend didn't previously know about the apple picking adventure I had with Anna, so is just learning about something she wasn't invited to. But she sure did know that I was getting married in a small ceremony!

POD.  Throw me in with the people who don't see it as rude.  The niece has chosen a wedding with immediate family only - there isn't anything rude in that.  If one is going to get his/her feelings hurt over any discussion about said wedding, the best thing to do would be to unsubscribe, which was done.  The niece hasn't done anything wrong though.

It would be rude for her to do in person (discuss a party she isn't inviting everyone to) so as far as I'm concerned its rude to do publicly on Facebook.

Its not rude of her to not invite everyone - she can have whatever size wedding she wants with whomever on the guest list she wants - just rude to openly discuss it in front of those not invited.

You can, and apparently many of you do, disagree, but just know as you discuss parties on Facebook that you are hosting and not inviting people to, at least some of your friends list will think you are behaving very rudely.  Again not rude for not inviting people, but rude for discussing the party in front of those not invited.

(all "you" statements are general)

I do realize that some people might get their feelings hurt, but I can't help but think that they're the same people who'd be hurt about not being invited to something whether they found out about it on FB or not.  If someone doesn't want to find out what is going on in people's lives through FB, don't have a FB account. 

[jmarvellous]

I have about 300 friends on facebook. If I were to get married and have a "big" wedding, an all-out bash, only about 1/8-1/3 of those people would be on my invite list. At least 200 of them are professional contacts or old high school pals or people I met twice or eHellions or ex-boyfriends or what have you. No one I don't like, but definitely not people I would invite to my wedding. An intimate wedding might include 15 of the.
An immediate-family-only wedding would include 3 m (and that includes my BF, who I'd be marrying in this hypothetical), or 1% of my friends list.

I am not going to censor myself or my excitement over personal events on the off chance that one of those folks would be upset about not being included in such an occasion.

(I do have a separate list for professional contacts and sensitive family members so they don't see my daily, silly facebook blabbing, and this list would not be subject to wedding updates for the same reasons.)

[SoCalVal]

I don't think it's rude at all.  If FB is that distressing, hide the posts (I've learned to hide posts from some FB friends if I don't want to see what they write and one is my sister).  I don't think I can expect to control what others post (like my sister), but I can control what I see.

[CakeEater]

I have about 300 friends on facebook. If I were to get married and have a "big" wedding, an all-out bash, only about 1/8-1/3 of those people would be on my invite list. At least 200 of them are professional contacts or old high school pals or people I met twice or eHellions or ex-boyfriends or what have you. No one I don't like, but definitely not people I would invite to my wedding. An intimate wedding might include 15 of the.
An immediate-family-only wedding would include 3 m (and that includes my BF, who I'd be marrying in this hypothetical), or 1% of my friends list.

It's not those people who I'd be worried about, though. They really have no reasonable expectation of an invitation.

It's the second cousin whose wedding I attended 5 years ago, and we haven't really been in much contact since, or the work colleague I get along well with at work, and we've socialised a few times, but I'm not inviting any work colleagues, or the friend who thinks we're a little closer than we actually are, or as in the OP, the aunt who is not being invited in a family in which aunts generally are invited to weddings; all of whom might feel like they might warrant an invitation, and would be hurt to discover that they aren't getting one. Those are the people I wouldn't want seeing the posts like, "Mailed the invitations today!" Bonus hurtful points if not receiving an invitation in the mail a week later is the first they know they're not invited.

I am not going to censor myself or my excitement over personal events on the off chance that one of those folks would be upset about not being included in such an occasion.

But would you not censor yourself if you happened to be standing at a party with some of your intended guests and some of the types of people I've mentioned? Isn't it against ettiquette to talk about an event you're hosting in front of people who have a reasonable expectation of an invitation, but aren't getting one? How is FB different?

I'm using your post, jmarvellous, but am responding to many posts. Sorry to pick on you.

[MacadamiaNut]

I don't think it's rude but it is somewhat inconsiderate.  It's inconsiderate even when it's not a *wedding* that's in question.  If you are used to a certain way of doing things, a certain level of inclusion, then it is inconsiderate (to you) when another person posts about an event where they didn't invite certain people who may have had a reasonable expectation to be invited (based on past experience of inclusion).  But then again, such is the world of social networking and it behooves us to grow a thicker skin now.  This "dinner table" conversation is now happening with hundreds of other people on FaceBook.  Some will feel uneasy, others won't care, some will yearn for the updates regardless.  Can't please them all.  This is a clear case of "DOWHATYOULIKE".  OP, don't be offended by her posts as I'm sure it was not intended that way at all.