Author Topic: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?  (Read 8616 times)

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ydpubs

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #60 on: March 07, 2012, 06:07:06 PM »
Etiquette will have to adapt to advances in technology. So while I agree with you that it is still subject to social rules, people cannot just use PMs whenever they want to plan an event. If they did that then FB may as well not exist and we would just go back to simple e-mail. The purpose of FB is for everone to stay up to date on each others lives.

The OP was correct in blocking the feed but BTB was not rude for mentioning her wedding on her own social media page.

I'm genuinely confused with the idea that we can never, ever talk about our participation in an event with someone that isn't invited. That would mean I can't tell my coworker that I'm going to my cousin's wedding or I can't tell my brother I'm going to the theatre to use my season ticke. Or I can't post a photo from the football game to Facebook. I think the reasonable thing is that you don't purposely discuss events with people who aren't invited IF they had a reasonable expectation of being invited.

So, then the question is who has a reasonable expectation of being invited? The OP thinks she has a reasonable expectation of being invited to her niece's "immediate family only" wedding. The niece does not lump the OP into the "immediate family only" category. I find this perfectly reasonable. Others, apparently, do not. (And I will acknowledge that I am purposely ignoring the late-stage inclusion of the whiny uncle because I don't believe that it should matter really.) If the wedding included all of the aunts & uncles, then I think OP has a reasonable expectation of an invitation, and the ride's behaviour would be wrong. But if we can agree that having an "immediate family only" wedding is not rude and that and Aunt can reasonably be excluded from "immediate family" when all other Aunts are also excluded, then we are left with the fact that the Aunt does not have a reasonable expectation to be invited and the bride is therefore not rude for discussing it.

Now, the hurt feelings, etc are a different story, but the question was, "is the bride rude?" And my answer is No.

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WillyNilly

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #61 on: March 07, 2012, 06:22:49 PM »
I'm genuinely confused with the idea that we can never, ever talk about our participation in an event with someone that isn't invited. That would mean I can't tell my coworker that I'm going to my cousin's wedding or I can't tell my brother I'm going to the theatre to use my season ticke. Or I can't post a photo from the football game to Facebook. I think the reasonable thing is that you don't purposely discuss events with people who aren't invited IF they had a reasonable expectation of being invited.

That is not even remotely close to what people are saying.

Your brother's wedding that you aren't hosting and are just invited to is different then your own wedding you are hosting and choosing the guest list for.
Theater tickets are available for anyone to buy, its not a private invite only event.
Football tickets again are available for anyone to buy, its not a private invite only event.

These are the same rules you would be expected to follow during face-to-face interactions.

No one is proposing anything that isn't an already established etiquette rule, all that is up for debate is if the already established "real life" rules are also applicable on Facebook.

Surianne

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #62 on: March 07, 2012, 06:30:10 PM »
Face-to-face, people talk to me all the time about weddings they're hosting that I'm not invited to.  My cousin who had a destination wedding, my other cousin who had a small wedding (immediate family only), my good friend who had a tiny wedding and could only include her 3 very best friends (I'd be top 10 but not top 3), etc. 

I've never considered it rude -- weddings are by nature often limited to what the couple can reasonably host based on whatever criteria they're using.  (In other words, not just financial -- but maybe what they can host based on their own comfort levels of "performing" in front of a bunch of people, or the venue limitations if they're holding it at home or in a wooded clearing rather than a large church.)

So I don't consider that rude in person either -- it's not a special rule just for Facebook.   

princessdolly

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #63 on: March 07, 2012, 06:41:54 PM »
I'm genuinely confused with the idea that we can never, ever talk about our participation in an event with someone that isn't invited. That would mean I can't tell my coworker that I'm going to my cousin's wedding or I can't tell my brother I'm going to the theatre to use my season ticke. Or I can't post a photo from the football game to Facebook. I think the reasonable thing is that you don't purposely discuss events with people who aren't invited IF they had a reasonable expectation of being invited.

That is not even remotely close to what people are saying.

Your brother's wedding that you aren't hosting and are just invited to is different then your own wedding you are hosting and choosing the guest list for.
Theater tickets are available for anyone to buy, its not a private invite only event.
Football tickets again are available for anyone to buy, its not a private invite only event.

These are the same rules you would be expected to follow during face-to-face interactions.
No one is proposing anything that isn't an already established etiquette rule, all that is up for debate is if the already established "real life" rules are also applicable on Facebook.

Re : bolded

FB is not face-to-face. If the bride had 100 friends within 50 miles should she still not mention it? What if they expect to be invited? It's not like she wandered around saying 'your not invited' to everyone. She explained it was small (immediate family does not include aunts, uncles, cousins, ets).

 Or do we accept the fact that she can mention something on a social media site and that, if we don't like it, we can just block it

MacadamiaNut

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #64 on: March 07, 2012, 06:48:09 PM »
I'm genuinely confused with the idea that we can never, ever talk about our participation in an event with someone that isn't invited. That would mean I can't tell my coworker that I'm going to my cousin's wedding or I can't tell my brother I'm going to the theatre to use my season ticke. Or I can't post a photo from the football game to Facebook. I think the reasonable thing is that you don't purposely discuss events with people who aren't invited IF they had a reasonable expectation of being invited.

That is not even remotely close to what people are saying.

Your brother's wedding that you aren't hosting and are just invited to is different then your own wedding you are hosting and choosing the guest list for.
Theater tickets are available for anyone to buy, its not a private invite only event.
Football tickets again are available for anyone to buy, its not a private invite only event.

These are the same rules you would be expected to follow during face-to-face interactions.

No one is proposing anything that isn't an already established etiquette rule, all that is up for debate is if the already established "real life" rules are also applicable on Facebook.

I may be splitting hairs here but aside from the private wedding, all the others count as outings to which you may invite someone to go along with you, so if three friends out of a group of four were going to the theatre, then the fourth "uninvited" one will feel left out if s/he heard about it and had reasonable expectation to be invited (i.e. the four of them ALWAYS do things together).  Then again, probably better to find out.  I guess I'd rather know if I'm left out than for them to purposely keep it a secret, though. 

After reading all of this (meaning the whole thread, not this post), I'm not really sure what is right anymore!  Etiquette hurts my brain sometimes  :-[
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

princessdolly

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #65 on: March 07, 2012, 06:55:32 PM »
I know how you feel MacademiaNut. Etiquette is hard! I'm just thankful that my group of friends is completely antisocial and can go months without talking to each other with no hard feelings.

Christabeldreams

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #66 on: March 07, 2012, 08:05:09 PM »
Op:
Generally, it's not rude to post about events. A person's facebook revolves around their lives, and a wedding in progress is a big part of someone's life. BUT. It is possible to overdo things, and depending on how much one posts, the higher the risk of accidentally rubbing it in the faces of those not invited. It's understandable you were upset, as it sounds like you are very close to your niece and not getting invited to the wedding hurt. Her posting about the wedding served to remind you of this hurt. Try not to let it put a rift between you two, and perhaps resubscribe after the wedding's over? I hope I haven't overstepped, and that this blows over for you soon.

Edited to add: I have yet to read all 5 pages of this thread, this is just aimed at the Op.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2012, 08:14:11 PM by Christabeldreams »

bah12

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #67 on: March 07, 2012, 08:09:04 PM »
I'm genuinely confused with the idea that we can never, ever talk about our participation in an event with someone that isn't invited. That would mean I can't tell my coworker that I'm going to my cousin's wedding or I can't tell my brother I'm going to the theatre to use my season ticke. Or I can't post a photo from the football game to Facebook. I think the reasonable thing is that you don't purposely discuss events with people who aren't invited IF they had a reasonable expectation of being invited.

That is not even remotely close to what people are saying.

Your brother's wedding that you aren't hosting and are just invited to is different then your own wedding you are hosting and choosing the guest list for.
Theater tickets are available for anyone to buy, its not a private invite only event.
Football tickets again are available for anyone to buy, its not a private invite only event.

These are the same rules you would be expected to follow during face-to-face interactions.

No one is proposing anything that isn't an already established etiquette rule, all that is up for debate is if the already established "real life" rules are also applicable on Facebook.

I think what we are debating is "reasonable expectation" and what that entails. 


lmyrs

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #68 on: March 07, 2012, 08:45:06 PM »
I'm genuinely confused with the idea that we can never, ever talk about our participation in an event with someone that isn't invited. That would mean I can't tell my coworker that I'm going to my cousin's wedding or I can't tell my brother I'm going to the theatre to use my season ticke. Or I can't post a photo from the football game to Facebook. I think the reasonable thing is that you don't purposely discuss events with people who aren't invited IF they had a reasonable expectation of being invited.

That is not even remotely close to what people are saying.

Your brother's wedding that you aren't hosting and are just invited to is different then your own wedding you are hosting and choosing the guest list for.
Theater tickets are available for anyone to buy, its not a private invite only event.
Football tickets again are available for anyone to buy, its not a private invite only event.

These are the same rules you would be expected to follow during face-to-face interactions.

No one is proposing anything that isn't an already established etiquette rule, all that is up for debate is if the already established "real life" rules are also applicable on Facebook.

I may be splitting hairs here but aside from the private wedding, all the others count as outings to which you may invite someone to go along with you, so if three friends out of a group of four were going to the theatre, then the fourth "uninvited" one will feel left out if s/he heard about it and had reasonable expectation to be invited (i.e. the four of them ALWAYS do things together).  Then again, probably better to find out.  I guess I'd rather know if I'm left out than for them to purposely keep it a secret, though. 

After reading all of this (meaning the whole thread, not this post), I'm not really sure what is right anymore!  Etiquette hurts my brain sometimes  :-[

Yes. Sorry. I was talking about things you may or may not invite someone to. But if we want to talk about things I'm hosting, then it could be my daughter's wedding that I'm hosting or family Christmas supper at my house. If I inviter my siblings and parents to dinner, does my aunt have a reasonable expectation of being invited? I don't think so. If I invite all of my aunts to dinner but one, then the left out aunt did have an expectation. But if I invite none of my aunts a$ I the precluded from ever mentioning it? What if I invite my friends, but not my mom? Or my entire family but not my coworkers. At what point am I allowed to have an event with a guest list that includes a specific category of people and not be rude for mentioning it to someone outside that category. If I'm never allowed to tell aunt about the immediate-family dinner am I also never allowed to tell mom that I invited my friends over? Or my coworkers that I hosted Christmas?

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #69 on: March 07, 2012, 09:37:09 PM »
I think that the holiday dinner for immediate family only and the wedding for immediate family only comparison is a very good one.  Yes, I do talk about holiday dinner plans for immediate family only with people who are not invited.  Does this make me rude to do so in person or on the internet?

ydpubs

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #70 on: March 07, 2012, 09:58:22 PM »
Personally, I have always viewed FB as more a bulletin board/newsletter type deal that lets people know what we're all up to, that is why it makes perfect sense to me that people will, do and should announce and discuss whatever is going on in their lives.

In prior threads on these boards, one thing that made ZERO sense to me was when people would get really riled up about anyone chiming in on "private" FB wall conversations. I was like, how "private" can that conversation be when you have what could be up to 5000 people on your friends list able to see your wall? Not to mention the multiplier involved if friends of friends are added. LOL!! That would be like two people standing in a crowded room, screaming at the top of their lungs about a subject or scrawling it in big letters on one of the walls and getting really angry at anyone else in the room that overheard or dared to comment on what you are going on about!

Therefore, I say the niece is NOT rude, that is what FB was made for. It's an easy peasy way for people to keep in touch, keep up and know about the goings on in each others' lives.

Edited for typos ACK! :o
« Last Edit: March 08, 2012, 05:45:54 AM by ydpubs »
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MariaE

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #71 on: March 08, 2012, 02:45:22 AM »
I'm genuinely confused with the idea that we can never, ever talk about our participation in an event with someone that isn't invited. That would mean I can't tell my coworker that I'm going to my cousin's wedding or I can't tell my brother I'm going to the theatre to use my season ticke. Or I can't post a photo from the football game to Facebook. I think the reasonable thing is that you don't purposely discuss events with people who aren't invited IF they had a reasonable expectation of being invited.

So, then the question is who has a reasonable expectation of being invited? The OP thinks she has a reasonable expectation of being invited to her niece's "immediate family only" wedding. The niece does not lump the OP into the "immediate family only" category. I find this perfectly reasonable. Others, apparently, do not. (And I will acknowledge that I am purposely ignoring the late-stage inclusion of the whiny uncle because I don't believe that it should matter really.) If the wedding included all of the aunts & uncles, then I think OP has a reasonable expectation of an invitation, and the ride's behaviour would be wrong. But if we can agree that having an "immediate family only" wedding is not rude and that and Aunt can reasonably be excluded from "immediate family" when all other Aunts are also excluded, then we are left with the fact that the Aunt does not have a reasonable expectation to be invited and the bride is therefore not rude for discussing it.

Now, the hurt feelings, etc are a different story, but the question was, "is the bride rude?" And my answer is No.

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #72 on: March 08, 2012, 03:50:05 AM »

FB is not face-to-face. If the bride had 100 friends within 50 miles should she still not mention it? What if they expect to be invited? It's not like she wandered around saying 'your not invited' to everyone. She explained it was small (immediate family does not include aunts, uncles, cousins, ets).

 Or do we accept the fact that she can mention something on a social media site and that, if we don't like it, we can just block it
Yes, and there is zero obligation that you be on Facebook in the first place, or that you friend your cousin.

Personally if every single one of cousin's Facebook comments is about the wedding I would find it tiresome even if I were invited but we don't know how often she posts about her wedding.


Mikayla

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #73 on: March 10, 2012, 04:30:40 PM »
Etiquette will have to adapt to advances in technology. So while I agree with you that it is still subject to social rules, people cannot just use PMs whenever they want to plan an event. If they did that then FB may as well not exist and we would just go back to simple e-mail. The purpose of FB is for everone to stay up to date on each others lives.


On the bolded, it's a 2 way street.  In other words, technology shouldn't be used as an excuse to abandon long time accepted rules of polite behavior.  Cell phones are a perfect example of this, and FB isn't far behind, imo.

Obviously, I'm on the side that says this is rude.  And I say this because even if people aren't personally offended by "X", that doesn't mean "X" is ok.  I'm sure most of us have been in that situation where a co-worker yakked nonstop about her natty nuptials, but we weren't offended  because we had no interest in going anyway. 

Boiling it down to its simplest components, etiquette is about doing what you can to make those around you feel comfortable/happy/whatever.  If yapping about a wedding makes even one person feel hurt or excluded, I don't see how this could be anything other than an etiquette fail.  I don't know LaciGirl at all, but I'm assuming she's not someone who goes out of her way to feel "offended" by everything.  She seems genuinely hurt by this.

To me, this is like online dating.  Technology doesn't change the common sense aspects of it, nor does it change the etiquette.  It's no more risky than meeting someone in a bar or at the grocery store.  "Stranger danger" rules apply, and etiquette kicks in as to how you politely tell someone you'd rather be eviscerated than give out your home addy to a total stranger! 

If FB wants to be the new norm for social interactions, that's fine, but I think it's even more imperative than in face-to-face situations to have clearcut rules of engagement.  Pun intended :)




Surianne

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Re: Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?
« Reply #74 on: March 10, 2012, 04:38:57 PM »
Boiling it down to its simplest components, etiquette is about doing what you can to make those around you feel comfortable/happy/whatever.  If yapping about a wedding makes even one person feel hurt or excluded, I don't see how this could be anything other than an etiquette fail.

I definitely disagree there.  People get hurt about all sorts of things that aren't rude.  And posting about a wedding doesn't automatically make it "yapping", either.