Rude to post on FB about wedding when close family isn't invited?

[Mikayla]

Ya know, you're right.  "Yapping" was kind of an inappropriate word choice on my part. 

But on the rest, I still do agree with myself.  There's a ton of ways a person can talk about their wedding without including those who haven't been invited and/or might be hurt about it.  I talked about mine quite a bit, but only to those who were being invited to it.  And it wasn't a particularly large wedding, either.

[padua]

Boiling it down to its simplest components, etiquette is about doing what you can to make those around you feel comfortable/happy/whatever.  If yapping about a wedding makes even one person feel hurt or excluded, I don't see how this could be anything other than an etiquette fail.

I definitely disagree there.  People get hurt about all sorts of things that aren't rude.  And posting about a wedding doesn't automatically make it "yapping", either.

i also think facebook is far too broad an audience to make it adapt the same rules as social etiquette. i have several single friends who would really like to be married. am i then rude to post about activities i do with my husband? what about those who are wanting children but can't? can i no longer discuss what my baby is doing/learning? i would certainly be far more sensitive in a live conversation with any of the above-mentioned individuals, but by your protocol, using facebook at all is rude (sorry for the generalization).

i can't stand all the posts about who's playing what games on facebook. if that's all i heard from someone in a live conversation ('i'm playing farmville right now'), i would consider that rude. instead, i block those feeds and don't have another thought about it. i think having an audience of 300+ demands a new set of social rules.

[SoCalVal]

i think having an audience of 300+ demands a new set of social rules.

Never mind the fact that what are the social rules in one area are not necessarily the social rules in another.

My sister posts a bunch of mumbo-jumbo ALL.THE.TIME that isn't in line with my and DF's belief system.  Her friends will often comment how wonderful those posts are.  I, OTOH, think they're a bunch of poop and have learned since to hide her posts (it's worked out great so far).  Does my sister know my belief system?  Yes.  Does it bother me some of what I used to see in her posts?  Yes.  Do I think it's rude of her to post something that bothers/offends me?  No.  I think, "Her wall, her rules."  However, I don't have to read her posts...so I don't.  Interestingly, SHE has tried to dictate to ME what I can post on my own wall and ignored me when I've requested she take her controversial comments to a PM so I've deleted her posts in the past (I've tried forewarning her what's going to happen but then she'd post on my wall anyway, instead of reply to my PM).  She no longer tries to control MY wall and will occasionally "Like" something on my page.

Really, I'm amazed at how at odds everyone is about this.  Even the laws of the land haven't kept up with technology.  Do people really expect everything else to have?  I think this is definitely a case of YMMV.  The OP is bothered by her niece's posts and can opt not to see them (if it means missing all other posts by the niece, then that is for the OP to weigh what is more important -- hiding the wedding posts or being able to read everything).  I just don't see that the niece is rude by posting about her own life on her wall.

[Mikayla]

i also think facebook is far too broad an audience to make it adapt the same rules as social etiquette. i have several single friends who would really like to be married. am i then rude to post about activities i do with my husband? what about those who are wanting children but can't? can i no longer discuss what my baby is doing/learning? i would certainly be far more sensitive in a live conversation with any of the above-mentioned individuals, but by your protocol, using facebook at all is rude (sorry for the generalization).

Well, I think you re-wrote my "protocol", because I'm hardly saying facebook is rude.

Nobody with any cred would ever say it's wrong to put up photos of your newborn because someone might be jealous.  Nor is it bad form to talk about your husband to single ladies.  These aren't breaking any etiquette rules I'm aware of.

However, per the title, the topic is a wedding to which others haven't been invited.  In this case, there is a long standing etiquette rule that it's rude to discuss your wedding, or any party you're throwing, in front of those who aren't invited.  I'm merely stating my opinion that facebook doesn't change that.

[Roe]

I don't understand why it would be considered impossible for a bride to make a group of her wedding guests and only gush about her wedding to those invited?  I don't understand why that's so hard.

It wouldn't matter if bride had 800 friends on her list, if she only invited 10, 20, 50, 100 people, it's easy enough to set up a group so that she isn't posting/gushing to those not invited. 

[hannahmollysmom]

I consider reading facebook posts like reading the newspaper. I don't read every.single.article. And the same goes for fb posts. I glance, if it looks like it might interest me, then I read it, if not, I move on to the next one.

[Deetee]

I don't understand why it would be considered impossible for a bride to make a group of her wedding guests and only gush about her wedding to those invited?  I don't understand why that's so hard.

It wouldn't matter if bride had 800 friends on her list, if she only invited 10, 20, 50, 100 people, it's easy enough to set up a group so that she isn't posting/gushing to those not invited.

But some people like those updates. I like to hear what is going on in people's life (and if I don't like it, I adjust so I don't see as many updates from some people.)

I prefer in facebook that people post what they want and the rest of the world can block or just decrease frequency. I have a couple friends who would override the feed, so I just decrease the frequency of their posts. I wouldn't miss anything big that way.

[ydpubs]

I don't understand why it would be considered impossible for a bride to make a group of her wedding guests and only gush about her wedding to those invited?  I don't understand why that's so hard.

It wouldn't matter if bride had 800 friends on her list, if she only invited 10, 20, 50, 100 people, it's easy enough to set up a group so that she isn't posting/gushing to those not invited.

But some people like those updates. I like to hear what is going on in people's life (and if I don't like it, I adjust so I don't see as many updates from some people.)

I prefer in facebook that people post what they want and the rest of the world can block or just decrease frequency. I have a couple friends who would override the feed, so I just decrease the frequency of their posts. I wouldn't miss anything big that way.

I agree. I use FB to keep up with what's going on in their lives. I don't agree at all that they should be forced to make special groups just for this kind of thing. As I said above, I view FB more as a bulletin board for just such information, not a private conversation.

I don't think anyone should be told they need to edit or told what they may or may not post on their wall. No one is compelled or forced to read any given wall status. It is on up to the reader to decide if they want to read, not the reader to tell the poster what they can or cannot put up on their own wall.

[iridaceae]

I don't understand why it would be considered impossible for a bride to make a group of her wedding guests and only gush about her wedding to those invited?  I don't understand why that's so hard.

It wouldn't matter if bride had 800 friends on her list, if she only invited 10, 20, 50, 100 people, it's easy enough to set up a group so that she isn't posting/gushing to those not invited.

But some people like those updates. I like to hear what is going on in people's life (and if I don't like it, I adjust so I don't see as many updates from some people.)

I prefer in facebook that people post what they want and the rest of the world can block or just decrease frequency. I have a couple friends who would override the feed, so I just decrease the frequency of their posts. I wouldn't miss anything big that way.

And she's also undoubtably posting to some people who she did invite but who couldn't make it but who nonetheless want to hear. Or Great-Aunt Mathilde who everyone knows isn't going to make it to the wedding day but still gets thrilled reading about the wedding.

[lmyrs]

There's also photos to consider. By saying that you can't ever post about the wedding, are you (general) also saying that someone can't post photos after the fact? Lots of people put wedding photos on FB and I don't think it's rude at all.

[cutejellybeen]

OP, I know you are upset about not being invited to the wedding - and likely are feeling everything related to the wedding a bit more strongly. I think you did the right thing for you to hide the feed.

I don't however think the bride was rude for posting, maybe a little thoughtless, but not rude.

a little background on my own wedding situation : I know I'm not posting much on fb about my wedding - as my announcing my engagement provided more than enough drama with one cousin who isn't invited - as she immediately invited herself to my wedding - I never had any intention of inviting her. Her actions since then - throwing tantrums and banning her mom from attending (not to mention the many emails and voicemails about how I am upsetting cousin, and I should "do the right thing and cut a friend from the guest list to make room for her". 

All that to say that even though I know you are hurt I think its great that you aren't announcing your hurt to your niece - for me I'm now about ready to cut off cousin AND aunt for the hurt and stress they have caused me,  to be invited to a wedding of someone they barely know, despite being "close relatives". 

[Sterling]

I have lots of high school friends on my FB.  these are people that i once was really really close to.  I am not inviting any of them to my wedding this summer.  But I do post about my wedding because it is what is going on in my life right now.  I will post pics after the fact.  There are family members as well who are not invited.  Cousins and Aunts mostly.  Fact is I am having a small wedding and can't really have the wedding I want and the Honeymoon I want if I invite everyone I know.  And in the end the wedding is about my husband and I.  We want to share it with the people we want to share it with.

You did the right thing just hiding the feed if it bothers you.  Letting her know it bothers you would be rude and hurtful.