Author Topic: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?  (Read 27191 times)

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camlan

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #105 on: March 12, 2012, 05:31:34 PM »
If it's not football, it's hockey. Or basketball. Or baseball. Or soccer. Or lacrosse, golf, bowling.

Or all of them. Most of the guys I know follow whatever sport is being played that season. There is always a big game coming up, or on, or just over that needs to be discussed or watched.

A co-worker complained to me once that his girlfriend kept falling asleep on the weekends when they watched football/baseball/basketball together. I suggested that she might go off and do something else during that time. Oh, no, he knew she was bored with the sports, but he liked to have her there while he watched.

And when she watched her favorite sport, figure skating? Did she expect him to keep her company then? Well, she might want him there, but he would leave the house.

I know a lot of guys who are not into any sports at all.  When someone had a superbowl party they had to post " We WILL be watching the game" because the majority of the invited would have asked to do something else - in previous superbowl parties the game was background to other activities.

I would like to meet some of these guys. I know, on a purely intellectual level, that they must exist. The law of average says that they exist.

But in my world, all my brothers, all my male cousins, all my male co-workers, all my male friends--they are all fixated on sports. Maybe not all of them on every single sport, but enough of them. This upcoming weekend is a big one for college basketball and I know of two all-weekend, all-basketball parties/sleepovers being planned. These are guys (and a few gals) in their 40s and 50s.

I think I will be hanging around the library, hoping to meet a bookish sort of guy.

We are having a party this Sunday so if you are in the upstate NY area I could introduce you to some! :-)

Thank you for the kind invitation, but I'm afraid I must decline, as the 9 hour drive is a bit far for the weekend. (I know, because my brother lives near Rochester. I'm painfully familiar with a good portion of the NY Thruway.)
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Sterling

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #106 on: March 12, 2012, 05:34:11 PM »
I use to want a guy who was college educated (preferably with a Masters degree like myself) and tall and athletic.

Well I met my fiance and I didn't think much of him the first time I met him.  I didn't dislike him I just ignored him and was more interested in his roommate.  Leo and I became friends and I am ashamed to admit I mostly hung out wiht him to flirt with his roommate who didn't notice I exsisted.

Leo doesn't look like my description of the perfect guy and he has no college education at all.  But he is brillant and can talk about any subject.  He makes me happy.  I don't think I settled.  I think I realized what traits were actually important to me and which ones were not.

But if I had stuck with my ridged list I would never have ended up this happy. 
93 93/93

Drawberry

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #107 on: March 12, 2012, 06:02:04 PM »
It seem's like internet dating is more in tune to bring out people's 'fantasy list' of partner traits then may normally be presented. Perhaps it's that air of anonymity where one feels like it's more acceptable to be more....well....shallow, and at times even cruel.

Not too long ago I came across a comic drawn by a male about his female friend who had joined a dating website and was lamenting to him that no men show interest in her and that she just wants a nice guy. When she sat down at the computer she pulled up all the messages from the dating website with men who wrote well thought out messages about wanting to met her, she said 'I get like ten of these a day' and deleted them all without reading them. Then complained about not finding any good guys

Unfortunately I can't seem to find it again, but your story reminded me of it.

Aeris

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #108 on: March 12, 2012, 06:05:22 PM »
It seem's like internet dating is more in tune to bring out people's 'fantasy list' of partner traits then may normally be presented. Perhaps it's that air of anonymity where one feels like it's more acceptable to be more....well....shallow, and at times even cruel.

Not too long ago I came across a comic drawn by a male about his female friend who had joined a dating website and was lamenting to him that no men show interest in her and that she just wants a nice guy. When she sat down at the computer she pulled up all the messages from the dating website with men who wrote well thought out messages about wanting to met her, she said 'I get like ten of these a day' and deleted them all without reading them. Then complained about not finding any good guys

Unfortunately I can't seem to find it again, but your story reminded me of it.

I've often thought that because it's online, people seem confuse DatingWebsite with Zappos, or Amazon, and think they are shopping, instead of looking for someone who is a real human being that they might, or might not, like to get to know.

Drawberry

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #109 on: March 12, 2012, 11:46:47 PM »
I've often thought that because it's online, people seem confuse DatingWebsite with Zappos, or Amazon, and think they are shopping, instead of looking for someone who is a real human being that they might, or might not, like to get to know.

This. Perfectly.

The internet has an inherent ability to make us forget the person on the other end is a real honest to god human being. With their own thoughts and feelings that can be hurt just as easily as if we where to say this hurtful slur to their face. It can make ventures like online dating become more like shopping for shoes or new ipods-you put in the stats you're looking for and keep searching until something matches up. Real life isn't like that, you cannot put down "2GB.Blue eyes.Brown hair." and hit search. A level of humanity is taken away with online interactions and I believe part of it hearkens back to women being told they have a Prince Charming who will meet all their expectations if they wait in the castle long enough, so we begin to hold humans to a standard that humans cannot reasonably obtain.

Venus193

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #110 on: March 12, 2012, 11:49:33 PM »
I suspect that the other thought is that since one's post is seen by so many more people than one normally meets face to face, some people think this may increase their chances.

My experience and that of others I know is that many if not most dating website users misrepresent themselves.

Sophia

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #111 on: March 13, 2012, 09:53:45 AM »
That might depend on the website.  Of the guys I met in person from a dating website, I didn't have a spark with anyone except for DH.  But, they were what I expected them to be.   It might have been the website, or it might have been that I'd gotten a professional photo done right before and I put the date of the photo in my description.  That might have attracted the genuine guys who were sick and tired of the women that misrepresented themselves. 

Nora

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #112 on: March 13, 2012, 12:57:26 PM »
I said, "I'm just hoping for one who isn't into football."

She made a face. "You'll never find anyone if you're not flexible enough to accept them for who they are," she told me.

That story made me LOL for real  ;D  If you find two guys who aren't into football, can you send the spare to me?

I have 2 guys who aren't into football or any other televised sport! So naturally they both loooooove video games. We may have every piece of Playstation equipment known to man, and whole bookshelves filled with Xbox/PS/PC etc games. Sometimes I come home to them playing the same game on 2 different screens, communicating only through grunts and yelps. At least they entertain each other!  ;)

They don't force me to participate in something that bores me, and they let me have the shows I obsess over in peace. In fact they'll leave the house altogether on Grey's anatomy night...  ;D
« Last Edit: March 13, 2012, 01:04:54 PM by Nora »
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DavidH

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #113 on: March 13, 2012, 04:33:27 PM »
I'm not quite cynical enough to say everyone misrepresents themself, but a lot of people do.  It's like any other advertisement, it may include the truth, but you need to be skeptical.

dating sites are a numbers game, you come into contact with more people, and if you bother to read all the replies, you may reject a large number initially but some will be okay.  I think it makes sense to respond to all replies that seem okay rather than wait for a perfect one since you can always exchange a few emails and then make a decision based on that.  A mediocre first email might be from someone you'll like or it may get worse from there.  Just because you send a few emails doesn't mean you need to talk on the phone or meet in person.

If you're looking for lottery winning red heads of a certain height and weight with an unusual set of interests, you will have a hard time finding one, but if you make your criteria a bit less specific, you may find the right person and not "settle".

shhh its me

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #114 on: March 13, 2012, 06:00:34 PM »
I'm not quite cynical enough to say everyone misrepresents themself, but a lot of people do.  It's like any other advertisement, it may include the truth, but you need to be skeptical.

dating sites are a numbers game, you come into contact with more people, and if you bother to read all the replies, you may reject a large number initially but some will be okay.  I think it makes sense to respond to all replies that seem okay rather than wait for a perfect one since you can always exchange a few emails and then make a decision based on that.  A mediocre first email might be from someone you'll like or it may get worse from there.  Just because you send a few emails doesn't mean you need to talk on the phone or meet in person.

If you're looking for lottery winning red heads of a certain height and weight with an unusual set of interests, you will have a hard time finding one, but if you make your criteria a bit less specific, you may find the right person and not "settle".

It doesn't even have to be misrepsenting , how many people really see themselves clearly?

blarg314

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #115 on: March 13, 2012, 08:38:07 PM »
It seem's like internet dating is more in tune to bring out people's 'fantasy list' of partner traits then may normally be presented. Perhaps it's that air of anonymity where one feels like it's more acceptable to be more....well....shallow, and at times even cruel.


I think it's a natural consequence of the medium, though. In situations where you are looking for a date, you need some way of filtering. You don't have the time and energy to seriously consider every eligible guy you meet, get to know them, and reject or accept them based on a balanced view of their personality, morals, goals in life and mutual attraction.

In person, we tend to filter quickly based on first impressions of a person's attractiveness and mutual interests.  This tends to favour people who are attractive and socially adept, but can lead to people falling into relationships and then realizing a basic incompatibility in deeper things (one wants kids, the other doesn't, for example).

On the web, we don't have that first impression, so we filter on lists, which can be as shallow as first impressions can, or can be based on deeper things.  But it can lead to people getting so obsessed by a list that they are missing people who would be really good matches.

Of course, there is the option of getting to know people as friends first, and then being attracted. But this can be very, very slow, and depends on you having a circle of friends that already contains a good match for you, who is also available. People tend to resort to on-line dating (or more traditional meat markets) when they haven't found someone in their general circle of acquaintances.

A friend and I once had a great time coming up with really honest dating profiles. It was entertaining, but if we put them up on line there would be pretty much zero chance of getting a serious response, any more than you'd get asked for your number if you went to a night club in sweats, no makeup and a messy ponytail.  Crafting a profile carefully is the internet equivalent of a hot outfit and spending time on your hair and makeup and getting a manicure.



auntmeegs

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #116 on: March 14, 2012, 04:55:32 PM »
If it's not football, it's hockey. Or basketball. Or baseball. Or soccer. Or lacrosse, golf, bowling.

Or all of them. Most of the guys I know follow whatever sport is being played that season. There is always a big game coming up, or on, or just over that needs to be discussed or watched.

A co-worker complained to me once that his girlfriend kept falling asleep on the weekends when they watched football/baseball/basketball together. I suggested that she might go off and do something else during that time. Oh, no, he knew she was bored with the sports, but he liked to have her there while he watched.

And when she watched her favorite sport, figure skating? Did she expect him to keep her company then? Well, she might want him there, but he would leave the house.

I know a lot of guys who are not into any sports at all.  When someone had a superbowl party they had to post " We WILL be watching the game" because the majority of the invited would have asked to do something else - in previous superbowl parties the game was background to other activities.

I would like to meet some of these guys. I know, on a purely intellectual level, that they must exist. The law of average says that they exist.

But in my world, all my brothers, all my male cousins, all my male co-workers, all my male friends--they are all fixated on sports. Maybe not all of them on every single sport, but enough of them. This upcoming weekend is a big one for college basketball and I know of two all-weekend, all-basketball parties/sleepovers being planned. These are guys (and a few gals) in their 40s and 50s.

I think I will be hanging around the library, hoping to meet a bookish sort of guy.

Or go see a band!  My DH is a drummer and is not at all interested in sports or video games! 

NutMeg

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #117 on: March 15, 2012, 02:15:16 AM »
Neither my current guy or my ex liked football, or any sports at all. They're both self-identified, geeks though (as am I!) So maybe it's football or video games...:D

Sadly, you can find guys who are both into football AND video games.  I should know, I'm married to one!

Happily, you can also find women who are into both football AND video games. Ask me how i know this.

Indeed. My SO is very happy he found one. And you know what? I was apathetic about sports when I met him. It is because of him that I now know how much I love football. We watch every single game, every single week, and it is awesome.
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Softly Spoken

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #118 on: March 18, 2012, 03:51:57 AM »
BG: I met this friend through work and although we are complete opposites on most things we managed to still be friends. Shes has decided on doing the internet dating thing, which is fine, but her standards are what I feel are crazy. The guys have to have:
1) Great grammar
2) good looking (and very specific, preferable blond hair, blue eyes, perfect teeth, GQ build etc)
3) Very successful (business owners are a plus)
4) *if they made it this far* must be at her beck and call and must be able to "amuse" her.
5) Must be between age x and y, z's too old
These seem minor like "well yeah, everyone deserves someone like that", but the way its presented is hideously shallow. I hear about these standards and problems while at work via work IM, then get bombarded at home with texts messages or phone calls, all complaints about these men, and how they aren't just right..and its been going on for months.

  The etiquette question: Can you politely tell someone that a) you don't have the looks NOR personality to be that picky and b)Can you politely say "look, until you decide to give an average guy a chance, I don't want to hear about this anymore?".  :o

  If I'm being too snarky please feel free to call me out on it.
As far as your friends "requirements", #4 is the one that sounds the worst. The others can be considered picky if they are dealbreakers...
#1 ("great grammar") isn't too bad but it's something you keep at the back of your head not something you put in your profile. Basically if grammar is important to you, you screen your messages instead of listing it as a requirement. I will admit I don't respond to messages that are poorly written, especially since it takes no effort to hit the Spell Check button before the Send button. I appreciate a man who is well spoken, but I am not a grammar nazi. Benefit of the doubt: maybe she just means "good conversationalist"? Just hoping... ::)

#2 - (good looking (and very specific, preferable blond hair, blue eyes, perfect teeth, GQ build etc.)) We maybe never admit it but I think we all do this at least in our heads. We all have that movie star we love or poster we drool over. We all have our dream match, and I think the internet dating sites like to make you think you can find/"special order" him from them. ;) dating sites perpetuate the myth that your choices are endless and feed into the "finding The One/someday my Prince will come" fantasy we have. Yes it seems shallow but we all have our preferences. If we are in the right mind set, the brown-haired guy with green eyes might still win us over even if we said we wanted a blue-eyes blonde. But we're also greedy/ambitious enough to want to try and get exactly what we "order" from these matchmaking places, then if we don't we start "settling" i.e. readjusting our priorities.

3) "Very successful (business owners are a plus)" - who is actively looking to date someone who is struggling? Does she only care how much he makes (ie classic sugar daddy who will buy her nice things) or is she worried about finding someone stable enough to support the family she wants to have? How does she define "successful"? People who are stable and at least have a means of supporting themselves are obviously in a better position to be in a healthy relationship. Ironically self-employment (not exactly the same as owning a business but they overlap) is actually becoming the trend in this economy. ;)

4) *if they made it this far* must be at her beck and call and must be able to "amuse" her. - if she is wording it like that in her profile, I think she's only going to attract some seriously masochistic guys. This one is by far the most ridiculous and shallow, and shows a very poor idea of what it means to be in a relationship. Why doesn't she just hire an escort? ::)

5) ("Must be between age x and y, z's too old.") I was one of those people who thought age was "just a number," until I dated someone quite a bit older than me and realized it was frustrating explaining pop culture references that went over his head or how we couldn't bond over shared history because while he could remember where he was when X happened, I hadn't even learned to talk yet. :( I think it's silly to have a cutoff where you'll date someone who's 32 but will absolutely never date a 33 yr old. This may be shallow but it depends on why age matters to you, if it does.

I actually take exception to the bolded line you want to say to her - it sounds very snarky and actually rude/shallow on your part - it's like you are saying if she were prettier and, what, smarter/nicer/more experienced then she would "deserve" someone with all the qualities she described and they would be attracted to her? If a guy like she describes actually exists, it's possible (like winning the lottery is 'possible') he would be attracted to her - but the chances of them finding each other are slim to none.

It's not about her being 'picky,' it's about her having unrealistic expectations and communicating them in a way that makes her look bad. I think at this point her options are 1) change her criteria, 2) change dating sites and/or 3) stop trying. Feel free to recommend any combination of the above. I wouldn't tell her "Shut up you're too picky" - maybe something along the lines of "Wow it sounds like this online dating thing isn't really working for you. It's hard to hear about your lack of success all the time. A lot of those guys sounded decent even if they weren't your type. If you aren't even going to give them a chance and you aren't finding who you're looking for, maybe you should take a break or try meeting a guy some other way. Let me know when you have good news!"

Just my two cents... ;D
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-William Shakespeare

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Sharnita

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Re: How to tell a friend that they are too picky?
« Reply #119 on: March 18, 2012, 04:26:55 PM »
If I were her friend I would think she needed to adjust her standards as opposed to lowering her standards.

the idea that "very good looking" includes hair and eye color is a bit disturbing to me.  I'd also wonder what she would do if baldness sets in a few years later.  If so much is tied into that package what would happen if age, time or illness changed his looks?

the idea of "very successful" actually makes me shake my head. In this day and age a whole lot of business owners are barely surviving financially. They risk a great deal and so much depends on things they might not be able to control.  And again, there are factors that can turn things around - illness, economic changes, etc.  While it makes sense to look for somebody who is at least currently capable of contributing their fair share to family expenses it sounds like she has a narrow and unrealistic view of who that might be in society.