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  • July 23, 2016, 08:31:46 AM

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Author Topic: What are your thoughts:Time gap between courthouse marriage and wedding ceremony  (Read 4480 times)

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Cali.in.UK

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I do think the coworker is needlessly annoying but I do wonder why she knows about the marriage?  Wouldn't you just tell people in your family about the courthouse marriage?  Why would you tell coworkers?  I also rarely used the words finance or husband and instead just my DH's name, so why would finance come up so much that it gets a lot of comments from coworker?  Why not just say "Mike" if you know these people enough to discuss your wedding why don't then just call spouse by name?

At my organization it's a very friendly, talkative environment.  I'm really close with some of my coworkers and we usually spend lunch hour talking about our lives, inside jokes etc (actually, we rarely talk about work which is nice) so people just tend to learn about each others lives. When I started working at my organization DP was still overseas so when people asked about him being far away, it usually instigated more questions. I definitely didn't start with "Oh, you like blue? My Fiance wore blue once" "Oh, want am I up to this weekend? Hanging out with My Fiance"(imagine this said in over-the-top snooty voice for comedic effect) I just brought him up, let's call him "Danny" and people would ask follow-up questions so it came out that we were engaged (at that time, only engaged because he was still abroad).

What is interesting is that originally way back in the past before we got engaged we were contemplating not telling people about the visa situation but I quickly learned that the first question out of everyone (friends, coworkers, acquaintances, even strangers) was about his visa status and how he'd be able to stay in the U.S. The prospect of lying/being misleading/evading questions about his visa makes me very uncomfortable, so we just started answering honestly because people would ask. It's odd, but seriously it is the most commonly asked follow-up question.

Funny update

I was chatting with Tanya today and she brought up my wedding and then added, "but you are already married" and I (in a cheery tone) started to use Slartibartfast's wording and she literally cut me off to change the subject. It is just silly, so I'm not not going to pay any attention to her about it moving forward.

Tanya: Oh how are you feeling? Your wedding is so soon!
Me: I'm fine, just small details to work out.
Tanya: Well, I mean you are already married.
Me: Yeah, we had the courthouse marriage because of the visa and now we are having a wedding ceremony with our friends and fam-
Tanya: I'm so excited to go shopping this week with my friend (starts talking about clothes store).

I will just bean dip with her moving forward.

fountainof

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My cousin got married in the US before his wedding so he could get his Visa sooner.  They didn't really tell anyone and I was fine with that, I didn't think I was lied to when I found out later on.  Their wedding ceremony had loose "vows" and unless you were really paying attention you wouldn't realize they did not officially exchange vows and more exchanged kind thoughts on a life together.  This was so they did not repeat their marriage vows, there was no "I pronounce you", it was really well done so as to not repeat vows (which is considered bad luck by my family as we are very superstitious).

Tanya is pretty annoying, she brings up a subject and then says something rude about it!

HannahGrace

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Tanya sounds really bizarre and definitely rude - she brings up your wedding herself, and then throws in a comment about you already being married?!?  Oy.  Definitely just ignore her going forward - whatever reason she is riding this hobbyhorse is not your concern at this point. 

rose red

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Tanya: Oh how are you feeling? Your wedding is so soon!
Me: I'm fine, just small details to work out.
Tanya: Well, I mean you are already married.
Me: Yeah, we had the courthouse marriage because of the visa and now we are having a wedding ceremony with our friends and fam-
Tanya: I'm so excited to go shopping this week with my friend (starts talking about clothes store).

I will just bean dip with her moving forward.

Ha. Sounds like this belongs in the "buzzkill" thread. You killed her PA dig and killed her fun.

ydpubs

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Funny update

I was chatting with Tanya today and she brought up my wedding and then added, "but you are already married" and I (in a cheery tone) started to use Slartibartfast's wording and she literally cut me off to change the subject. It is just silly, so I'm not not going to pay any attention to her about it moving forward.

Tanya: Oh how are you feeling? Your wedding is so soon!
Me: I'm fine, just small details to work out.
Tanya: Well, I mean you are already married.
Me: Yeah, we had the courthouse marriage because of the visa and now we are having a wedding ceremony with our friends and fam-
Tanya: I'm so excited to go shopping this week with my friend (starts talking about clothes store).

I will just bean dip with her moving forward.

Wow, what a weirdo. Yah, avoid the topic completely in the future with her.
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baglady

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Tanya sounds like the world's oldest tattletale. Don't most people grow out of that by age 8 or so?

I would take her aside and tell her, "Tanya, in our faith/our community, we are not considered married until our union is blessed by our faith/our community. Yes, we were legally married at city hall for immigration reasons, but that is just a legality. We aren't trying to put anything over on our families and friends -- they know we did the city hall thing but won't consider us married until the community/faith ceremony. Why is it so important to you to inform random people that we are 'already married'?"

I'm guessing the answer to that question is that it makes her feel important to have insider knowledge of the situation, and she feels compelled to share it because it makes her look important.

I agree with a PP that the easiest way to avoid the whole husband-vs.-fiance thing is simply to refer to him by his name. And avoid any discussion of the wedding in Tanya's presence if she doesn't get the hint that she's being obnoxious.
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atirial

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Ha. Sounds like this belongs in the "buzzkill" thread. You killed her PA dig and killed her fun.
I was going to say, bringing it up like that sounds as though she was trying to provoke a reaction and the OP's factual response rather ruined it. Seriously, from that last conversation she's acting more as though she thinks there's a scandal going on instead of paperwork issues!

Just a thought, but was there anyone else present for the conversation? If she's been gossiping, being corrected would be a very good reason for her to change the subject.

Runningstar

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We aren't trying to put anything over on our families and friends -- they know we did the city hall thing but won't consider us married until the community/faith ceremony.

I agree with a PP that the easiest way to avoid the whole husband-vs.-fiance thing is simply to refer to him by his name.

This is perfect imo, although now that you have confronted her (very nicely) I would guess that she stops it, at least in your presence.

kherbert05

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I do think the coworker is needlessly annoying but I do wonder why she knows about the marriage?  Wouldn't you just tell people in your family about the courthouse marriage?  Why would you tell coworkers?  I also rarely used the words finance or husband and instead just my DH's name, so why would finance come up so much that it gets a lot of comments from coworker?  Why not just say "Mike" if you know these people enough to discuss your wedding why don't then just call spouse by name?
You usually have to file new paperwork with our job at the change of marital status. It effects both taxes and health insurance.
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EllenS

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I do think the coworker is needlessly annoying but I do wonder why she knows about the marriage?  Wouldn't you just tell people in your family about the courthouse marriage?  Why would you tell coworkers?  I also rarely used the words finance or husband and instead just my DH's name, so why would finance come up so much that it gets a lot of comments from coworker?  Why not just say "Mike" if you know these people enough to discuss your wedding why don't then just call spouse by name?
You usually have to file new paperwork with our job at the change of marital status. It effects both taxes and health insurance.

Well, if Tanya is telling other people's business that she discovered because of her role at work, that's not just rude - it should be PD.