Significant others and their friends

[Twik]

I would not dictate to my spouse on who he can be friends with. But I would let him know that Rick is on my "Cut-Direct" list and under no circumstances would he be invited to our house.

Plus, even though I won't actually tell him to "unfriend" Rick, I would be really hurt if he would choose to remain friends with someone who says and thinks such nasty things about me.

Etiquette and relationship issues are, unfortunately, not always on the same page.

I'm curious, do you think it would be appropriate for her to let him know that it hurts her, or should she keep that to herself? She so far has kept it to herself over the last week because she doesn't want to guilt trip Chris into making a different decision, but she's pretty upset about not being able to talk about it with him.

I think this is something she MUST talk to Chris about, if she can do it in a calm manner. Bottling it up will not help.

Something like, "Chris, I know you like Rick, and consider him a friend. But I do feel hurt that when he calls me a terrible mother, swears at me, and calls me irrational for objecting, that you don't seem to have my back here. It makes me feel that Rick is more important to you than I am, or at least that his feelings are. If someone told me that you were a terrible father, and shouldn't have children, I would be there to defend you, because I know that you are a good father, and that is a horrible thing to say."

[SamiHami]

Rick would not darken my door again.  You don't try to interfere with my parenting (the dessert argument) and then undermine me in front of my kids.  And you don't call me an unfit parent who shouldn't have children, then a foul name when I defend myself.

If you do, you are non-existent to me, socially. If I see you in public, I don't care if my spouse does speak to you, I will not.  You don't get to come into my home anymore.  You don't speak to the children you seem to think are being abused and poorly socialized.  If I go to a party and you're there, I don't speak to you.  If it becomes impossible to ignore you politely, I'll leave.  I don't "make nice" with people who insult me and expect me to take it in the name of what's comfortable for the group.

I would let my husband know that if it was that important to him to see someone who had called me a foul name, an awful person and a terrible parent who shouldn't have children, then he should do so away from our home and children.  But I would also say along the lines of, "You can spend time with whomever you choose.  But it really hurts my feelings that it is more important to you that I accept the half-hearted apology of someone who clearly dislikes me so much, than to upset the 'social group.'  It hurts me that Rick's feelings are more important to you than mine.  And it hurts me that you could enjoy the company of someone who feels that way about your wife.  I'm not going to pretend I'm happy about it."

Where is a like button when you need it? POD x1000

[Mikayla]

I'm with weeblewobble.  This doesn't strike me as telling an SO who his friends can be.  It's an issue of demanding respect in your own home.  Parts of this are borderline toxic.

To be honest, I'd be annoyed with Rick if I was Amy.  I can understand not wanting to make waves in a social circle, but as a husband and father, his priorities seem a bit skewed.  And even if the apology had been legit, it doesn't change anything if the behavior continues.

I like the suggested wording on what to say to Rick. 

[LifeOnPluto]

In this case, I see nothing wrong with Amy telling Chris that whilst she isn't going to dictate who he can be friends with, she'd strongly prefer it if he didn't associate with Rick, based on how rude and hurtful he was to Amy.

However - and I'm not saying Amy is lying or exaggerating here - there can sometimes be two sides to every story. I've had a similar situation happen with friends. The "Rick" in my story was simply a rather socially inept person, and his comments were misinterpreted by the "Amy" of the story. As a result, "my" Amy now refuses to attend any function where Rick might be. "My" Chris is actually sympathetic towards Rick, but unfortunately, believes he has little choice but to prioritise his wife's feelings over his former friendship with Rick. As a result, it's really fractured our friendship group.

[JoyinVirginia]

I would be done with the poor excuse for a friend. And my advise to Amy would be to tell husbands exactly how she feels, that she is so hurt and angry she never wants to see dufus again. She expects husbands to limit his contact with dufus. This is spouse supporting each other. Any husband who wanted to waste time with such an idiot would not have my respect.
I refuse to waste my time with arrogant fools. And often socially awkward really means someone so self centered they can't be bothered to think about others.

[Petticoats]

What Weeblewobble said. Chris needs to understand how Rick's behavior was hurtful and offensive to his wife, and needs to stand by his wife. Rick should be banned from the house, and I would hope that Chris would prioritize his wife's feelings enough that he would voluntarily choose to limit his interactions with this nasty person.

[artk2002]

I would not dictate to my spouse on who he can be friends with. But I would let him know that Rick is on my "Cut-Direct" list and under no circumstances would he be invited to our house.

Plus, even though I won't actually tell him to "unfriend" Rick, I would be really hurt if he would choose to remain friends with someone who says and thinks such nasty things about me.

Etiquette and relationship issues are, unfortunately, not always on the same page.

I'm curious, do you think it would be appropriate for her to let him know that it hurts her, or should she keep that to herself? She so far has kept it to herself over the last week because she doesn't want to guilt trip Chris into making a different decision, but she's pretty upset about not being able to talk about it with him.

Yes, she certainly should make her feelings known. Frankly, Chris should feel guilty -- if he didn't toss Rick out on his ear for what he said, then Chris is condoning it. This isn't a friend problem, this is a husband problem. I don't think very much of someone who would let a "friend" say that to their spouse.

She's perfectly within her rights to ban Rick from her presence and Chris needs to support her in that.

[blarg314]

I'd be pretty peeved if my husband made a conscious decision to pursue a friendship with someone who insulted me like that, and then followed it with such an obnoxious 'apology'. Keeping on neutral terms in a group of friends would be a bit different, though.

What I would insist on, though, is that Rick is not to be invited to our house, ever. If DH wants to socialize with him, it has to be away from the house, and not involve me except in the most peripheral way (both at a party, for example).

And yeah, if Chris feels uncomfortable about the situation, that's his problem, and that's the cost of maintaining a close friendship with someone who treats your wife badly.

[HenrysMom]

Chris wants to remain friends with a man who insulted his wife in HER OWN HOME and then said "I'm sorry you got irrationally angry?"  Amy needs to put her foot down on Chris' neck and tell him that if he remains friends with Rick it will damage her opinion of him as a husband and a man.

[TheVapors]

This made my blood boil. That non-apology plus insult just puts the tombstone on top of the grave.

You can bet I'd let my feelings show to my husband in this situation. I'd let him know my feelings to set up the one rule I'd have to put up due to Rick's behavior.

This one rule being: Rick is not welcome. He is not welcome near me, near my children, near my home. Forever. End of story.

I would not be explaining my feelings as a means to getting my husband to cut off all contact. (Though, if he did choose to do so, I wouldn't object - putting it mildly). My hope in explaining my feelings would be that my husband would understand my side and come to my defense and give me the support I need. 

I know what I would say...

'Your friend, who we were graciously hosting, interrupted the punishment of my child. Called me a bad parent. Called me names. Swore at me. And then said "I'm sorry you got irrationally angry." with all the disrespect he could muster. I am angry. I am hurt. I hope you can see why I never want to see that man again. This is the last straw in a series of insults and other incidents. He is persona non grata, and I will not tolerate his presence any longer.'

Then the softer, 'I realize you're in a difficult position right now. But, my position is clear. This man is a toxic person. I will not suffer him. If you'd rather remain friends and socialize with him outside of the house, then that's your choice, but I am going to ask that you not put up with him badmouthing me or this decision to ban him from our home. I'm asking for your support.'

Maybe Chris doesn't yet realize just how inappropriate Rick's comments were. Hopefully, after Amy has a chat about it, Chris will understand her side... and they can go from there.

As long as the "Rick is never welcome here" rule stays in place no matter what.

[Cami]

I am mystified as to why Amy is hesitant to discuss her feelings with her own husband.  Why does she believe that her feelings matter less -- especially since she was the one insulted? HER feelings should matter most.

I also asked my dh what he would do and he said that if someone insulted me in our home like that, he would have personally escorted him to the door and told him to delete our phone number from his address book because he'd never hear from us again. He most certainly wouldn't be whining about wanting to let it go and keeping the guy as a friend. He questions the husband's loyalties and priorities. As, frankly, do I.

[Marbles]

I'm with Weeblewobble. The man would never be invited to my home again. I'd be very clear that we was never to be around my children, either.

I would also add that I would be very upset if my DH made plans to get together one on one with Rick. Seeing him as part of a group? I'm not thrilled, but understand that DH can't control who the group includes. One on one? Oh, no; DH may as well say he supports what Rick was saying about me.

Amy needs to recognise that Chris is worried about his whole group of friends. Casting Rick out would make things difficult and uncomfortable for everyone. It's good that he sees that and is worried about it. Being a good friend is part of what makes him a good spouse. Chris needs to see that Amy's emotional needs must be his first priority. She is his wife, his family. There's no reason that Chris can't tell his closest buddies that Rick said some stuff that was out of line to his wife. Good friends will understand that it isn't cool.

[Amara]

OP, I have a question. Rick is part of Chris and Amy's social group. Can you tell us a bit more about the group. How long has it been one? How many members are there? Is it composed of couples and singles? Has Rick said nasty and/or insulting, even unpleasant things before to any one?

These answers wouldn't affect my response, which is that Rick should be removed from their private lives. He would never come in my home again, to be sure. I would expect my spouse to stand up for me, and to have immediately stood up for me at the time this incident happened. But, I am interested in the background because I think it important even if my answer doesn't change.

[Reason]

I would not dictate to my spouse on who he can be friends with. But I would let him know that Rick is on my "Cut-Direct" list and under no circumstances would he be invited to our house.

Plus, even though I won't actually tell him to "unfriend" Rick, I would be really hurt if he would choose to remain friends with someone who says and thinks such nasty things about me.

Etiquette and relationship issues are, unfortunately, not always on the same page.

I'm curious, do you think it would be appropriate for her to let him know that it hurts her, or should she keep that to herself? She so far has kept it to herself over the last week because she doesn't want to guilt trip Chris into making a different decision, but she's pretty upset about not being able to talk about it with him.

Yes, she certainly should make her feelings known. Frankly, Chris should feel guilty -- if he didn't toss Rick out on his ear for what he said, then Chris is condoning it. This isn't a friend problem, this is a husband problem. I don't think very much of someone who would let a "friend" say that to their spouse.

She's perfectly within her rights to ban Rick from her presence and Chris needs to support her in that.

I agree with ark. After this incident, the husband should have thrown the other guy out of the house on the spot without needing to be asked.

At the very least the husband should have demanded that the "friend" show proper respect and apologize at once, but only if there were extenuating circumstances such as excessive alcohol intake or mental illness on the part of the "friend". Otherwise, the "friend" would be lucky to leave with all his teeth intact in most households I can think of.

[wolfie]

I'm with Weeblewobble. The man would never be invited to my home again. I'd be very clear that we was never to be around my children, either.

I would also add that I would be very upset if my DH made plans to get together one on one with Rick. Seeing him as part of a group? I'm not thrilled, but understand that DH can't control who the group includes. One on one? Oh, no; DH may as well say he supports what Rick was saying about me.

Amy needs to recognise that Chris is worried about his whole group of friends. Casting Rick out would make things difficult and uncomfortable for everyone. It's good that he sees that and is worried about it. Being a good friend is part of what makes him a good spouse. Chris needs to see that Amy's emotional needs must be his first priority. She is his wife, his family. There's no reason that Chris can't tell his closest buddies that Rick said some stuff that was out of line to his wife. Good friends will understand that it isn't cool.

Or it could bring a lot of relief. If Rick insulted the other people in the group they could all be thinking how nice it would be without him but don't do anything because they are afraid of what the other people will think. But once someone steps forward they are more then happy to agree with them.