Author Topic: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate  (Read 1825 times)

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gellchom

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In November, an old friend, "Rufus," who moved to another state years ago sent me and several others (it seems to say 70), a message on Facebook telling us to save the date of his son's bar mitzvah.  Several of us responded with stuff like "Yay, can't wait" or "darn, can't do it" and he responded to at least one of them. 

This wasn't just a post or "status update" on his Facebook page readable by anyone, it was a message sent to each of us.  Rufus is a single adoptive parent, so there's no issue of miscommunication with a spouse.

We were touched that he included us in his list.  My husband can't go, but I thought I would, and indicated that in my response.  I probably wouldn't have gone to the trouble and expense to travel a few hundred miles for this, as we really are not in such close touch with Rufus anymore, but it would have been nice to see him again and support this little family, and also my son and daughter-in-law live nearby, so not only would I not have to pay for a hotel, I would get a little visit with them, too, if I went.

Well, you know what comes next.  The bar mitzvah is at the end of this month, and we haven't gotten an invitation.  With apologies for a sexist assumption, I kind of figured that very late didn't mean no invitation would be forthcoming from a single guy.  But now it's really high time, I should think.

Now, truthfully, I really don't care if Rufus doesn't/didn't invite us -- yeah, yeah, I know, it's an eHell damnable offense to send a save-the-date and then no invitation, and I assume that goes for a Facebook message (not a general Facebook post) save-the-date, too -- but I'm not concerned about that.  It would be nice to go, but I don't really care if I miss it, and it is a kind of inconvenient weekend for me anyway, so I'd prefer not to go.  And I'm not offended.  My question isn't whether he should have invited us. 

The problem is this: I would just as soon not say anything and not have to go.  I was all set to do that, but then I realized that he may well have sent us an invitation that we didn't get.  We moved several years ago, I think since the last time he would have had reason to know our address, and I don't know whether he knows that.  So if he sent an invitation to our old address, we would not have gotten it, or it may be on its slow way -- our post office sometimes catches things sent to our old address (3 blocks away), and redelivers them to us.  Sometimes.

So that inclines me to contact Rufus and delicately inquire whether he is expecting us or something like that.  I'm sure I can figure out a way to do it tactfully, and he won't get offended.  That's not an issue either.

Here's the sticky part:

If he did invite us, and we just didn't get the invitation, I'll be glad I mentioned it, because otherwise he is left wondering why he hasn't heard from us.  I know that when I am the host, I definitely want guests who have reason to know they were invited, and whom I did invite but who never received the invitation, to contact me.

But!  If he didn't invite us, of course he will feel like he must and will do so, and I don't want that to happen.

In either case, I end up being invited -- and then won't I have to accept?

So I don't really want to ask him.  If he didn't invite us, I don't have to.  But if he did invite us, I should.  And I don't know which is the case!

Okay, this has all been very confusing -- sorry.  But I think you get the point.  I need your advice!  Thanks in advance.

O'Dell

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Re: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2012, 04:11:13 PM »
What about contacting him as if everything is going to plan etiquette-wise? As if you are trying to catch him *before* he sends the invitations out. Tell him that you spoke too soon when you go the STD, you won't be able to make it, and you wanted to let him know so he could take that into account when he formally invites people.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
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artk2002

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Re: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2012, 08:27:33 PM »
Because he sent you a save-the-date, contacting him again and asking him "what's up" is not fishing for an invitation. Go ahead and ask him what's going on. If he feels guilty, it's his own fault for having started (but not finished) an insincere invitation.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2012, 10:29:14 PM »
Because he sent you a save-the-date, contacting him again and asking him "what's up" is not fishing for an invitation. Go ahead and ask him what's going on. If he feels guilty, it's his own fault for having started (but not finished) an insincere invitation.

I agree. It's very rude to send someone a Save The Date, but then not invite them to the actual event. (Barring any falling out or other unexpected event in the intervening period).

gellchom

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Re: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2012, 12:02:44 AM »
Artk and lifeonpluto, I guess I wasn't clear about what I'm asking.  I'm not worried about being seen as fishing for an invitation, and although I don't want him to feel guilty, I'm not worried about that either.

The point is that I really would prefer NOT to go -- not because of the invitation issue, but just because it's a very busy month, with a lot of travel already.  And if I call him, he will then invite us for sure, and then I will feel like I have to accept.

So I would just let it go.

Except ...

If I were in his position, I would want my friend to ask me about it.  It may have been a mistake, and even if it wasn't and he realized at some point he wouldn't be able to invite everyone and just hoped we would forget or didn't know the etiquette rule, that's okay with me, and I think I could word my inquiry in a way that won't put him on the spot.  And there is a pretty good chance he did send the invitation, to the old address, and we didn't get it, or not yet, anyway.

O'Dell, your suggestion may be just the ticket.  Thanks!

Aggiesque

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Re: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2012, 08:57:27 PM »
Hmm

Well, if I didn't really want to go.

Seeing as there was never a follow up...

I'd just ignore the whole thing, and if HE brings it up, mention that you never received an invite, and assumed it had been postponed/canceled.

Is that horrible? LOL
Aggie

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gramma dishes

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Re: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2012, 09:14:24 PM »
What about contacting him as if everything is going to plan etiquette-wise? As if you are trying to catch him *before* he sends the invitations out. Tell him that you spoke too soon when you go the STD, you won't be able to make it, and you wanted to let him know so he could take that into account when he formally invites people.

Wow, O'Dell.  This is perfect! 

This way he knows you aren't coming, but if he had already sent the invitation to your "old" address, he now knows that that one is no longer active and he needs to change his address book.  Kills two birds with one stone.


MsMarjorie

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Re: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2012, 10:12:58 PM »
Hmm

Well, if I didn't really want to go.

Seeing as there was never a follow up...

I'd just ignore the whole thing, and if HE brings it up, mention that you never received an invite, and assumed it had been postponed/canceled.

Is that horrible? LOL

This was exactly my thinking.  A save the date, is not an invitation and if you haven't RSVP'd to the possibly mis-directed invitation then perhaps Rufus should be the one following it up to find out what happened.

bopper

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Re: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate
« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2012, 01:00:55 PM »
If you don't want to go, I certainly would not ask for an invitation if you are going to turn it down!

Maybe after the event send a Happy Bar Mitzvah card (perhaps with a monetary gift, depending on how close you are) that shows your return address in big letters so he will have your new address.

JillyJ

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Re: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate
« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2012, 02:04:14 PM »
I think since you don't want to go, you do nothing.  If Rufus has not sent you an invitation then problem solved (even though he should have, it you're not bothered by it, I don't have a problem).  If he did send an invite to your old address, eventually he'll probably inquire if you are coming.  At that time you can explain the mix up and decline, "Oh no!  I fear you must have sent it to my old address and I'm not available on that day." 

MacadamiaNut

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Re: Got a Facebook save the date but no invitation -- help me navigate
« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2012, 02:28:20 PM »
Hmm

Well, if I didn't really want to go.

Seeing as there was never a follow up...

I'd just ignore the whole thing, and if HE brings it up, mention that you never received an invite, and assumed it had been postponed/canceled.

Is that horrible? LOL

This was exactly my thinking.  A save the date, is not an invitation and if you haven't RSVP'd to the possibly mis-directed invitation then perhaps Rufus should be the one following it up to find out what happened.

Me too.  I agree with both these posts.  I wouldn't ignore it forever though. I'd look for an opportunity to clear up the non-invitation issue in the future... long into the future after the event has passed of course  >:D (Is that horrible too?  LOL.)  This way he at least knows I did not just ignore the invitation he didn't send.  :P  (This is assuming he never follows up with you to find out what happened.)
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett