Author Topic: To delete, or not to delete?  (Read 1727 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

diesel_darlin

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1084
To delete, or not to delete?
« on: March 16, 2012, 02:23:32 AM »
I had a friend that I was once very close to. About a year ago, some things happened that really made me re-evaluate the friendship and cool it way off. Shes not a person that I wanted to give the complete cut direct to, I just wanted to scale the friendship back a bit. She is one of those people that always has some sort of issue going on, and after years of jumping in and helping, be it monetarily or other things, I just got kinda tired of always being there. Shes a wonderful person, just incredibly um... unlucky, I guess.

Since hubby and I were both unemployed for a long time, our finances became quite tight. I am still unemployed, but hubby has a job. Not a really well paying job, but it is a job. We stopped visiting friend so often because we simply couldn't afford the gas.

She is by my house quite regularly, but says she is too busy to stop. I thought that was pretty weird, but knowing her, I let it slide, and still chatted with her quite a bit on Facebook. I noticed that her posts had become quite infrequent, but didn't really pay much attention to it. I clicked on an older picture the other day, because someone had commented on it. I saw then that she had defriended me.

I clicked on hubbys page, to see if she was still his friend, and indeed she was.  Hubby told me to delete her from his page right then and there. I told him that it would be retaliatory rudeness on his part to delete her simply for deleting me.

What say you, EHellions?
« Last Edit: March 16, 2012, 02:27:39 AM by diesel_darlin »

greencat

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2559
Re: To delete, or not to delete?
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2012, 02:48:04 AM »
It's a fairly standard etiquette point that while you can be friends with only one half of a couple, intentionally ostracizing the other half from your social life is an etiquette foul.  I believe your husband is within the bounds of etiquette to sever their internet friendship for this reason.  Besides, most people don't notice when you unfriend them, at least not immediately.

If your husband doesn't want to be friends with her anymore because she's not friends with you, that's not rude.  That's just life.

MariaE

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4684
  • So many books, so little time
Re: To delete, or not to delete?
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2012, 03:52:01 AM »
It's a fairly standard etiquette point that while you can be friends with only one half of a couple, intentionally ostracizing the other half from your social life is an etiquette foul.  I believe your husband is within the bounds of etiquette to sever their internet friendship for this reason.  Besides, most people don't notice when you unfriend them, at least not immediately.

If your husband doesn't want to be friends with her anymore because she's not friends with you, that's not rude.  That's just life.

Agree completely.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

Kiwichick

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1721
  • Is anyone else hungry now?
Re: To delete, or not to delete?
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2012, 04:27:45 AM »
Yep, I agree nothing rude in your husband de-friending her because she de-friended you. 

Perfect Circle

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2997
  • Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand
Re: To delete, or not to delete?
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2012, 04:54:54 AM »
It's not rude. I would defriend.
There's a secret stigma, reaping wheel.
Diminish, a carnival of sorts.
Chronic town, poster torn, reaping wheel.
Stranger, stranger to these parts.

diesel_darlin

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1084
Re: To delete, or not to delete?
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2012, 01:26:52 PM »
Thanks so much!  :)

Shoo

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 16393
Re: To delete, or not to delete?
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2012, 01:30:44 PM »
Wow, you're not able to help her out financially anymore, and so she defriends you?

Good riddance, I say.  And yes, your husband should absolutely defriend her.

diesel_darlin

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1084
Re: To delete, or not to delete?
« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2012, 02:17:13 PM »
Wow, you're not able to help her out financially anymore, and so she defriends you?

Good riddance, I say.  And yes, your husband should absolutely defriend her.


That's pretty much what I'm thinking, Shoo. We all worked together at one point, but she was a temp and hubby and I were full time, which meant we had more money. If we went out or anything, hubby and I financed the outing because she and her boyfriend couldn't afford it.

The straw that broke the camels back with me was a camping trip we took this past summer. Hubby and I brought a lot of food, and all of our supplies with us, so we had no need to leave the campsite. Friends boyfriend said he had to go back and do some things later that evening, and he would retrieve their food and things on the way. Her boyfriend proceeded to go and get two extra people, (a friend of his and a cousin) but not the food. One of the people boyfriend fetched bought HIMSELF some beer, and loudly announced upon arrival that it was his and his alone, and he was not sharing. Cousin was about as generous as other friend.  >:(

That guy didnt have the same attitude when he got hungry and proceeded to eat the food that hubby and I cooked.  >:( Friends boyfriend paid for one night at the campsite, and hubby and I paid for the next night. That was the only effort any one of them made towards the cost of the trip.

I didn't really hold my friend responsible, because she was left at the campsite with me while her boyfriend supposedly went to fetch the food. I flat told them that when my pickup truck parked at the campsite, it wasn't moving again until it was time to go to the lake, as I had brought everything I needed, and I came camping to camp, not to run the roads. 

After we got back from the camping trip, there must have been some guilt, because they took us to a chinese buffet for supper.

I have only seen friend once since then. And every time she would text or message, she would ask when we were coming to see her. I finally told her that she drives right by my house at least TWICE a day, she should stop by and say hello for a few minutes. Her response was "I'm sooooooooo busy. ::)." So I figured that if she was less than 100 feet from my house every day and couldn't stop, that I didn't need to spend the money on the gas to go to her house over 30 minutes away.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I am slowly developing my EHell patented polite spine of steel.  ;D

Twik

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 28650
Re: To delete, or not to delete?
« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2012, 03:02:21 PM »
I think that, in general, if someone defriends (in older etiquette terms, breaks relations with) one half of a couple, it is not rude, but fairly normal and healthy for the other partner or spouse to also end the friendship. WHile we may not always like our friends' partners, if we cannot maintain a surface relationship with them, we should not expect to keep our original friendship.

Besides, there's a good chance that she simply forgot to defriend your husband; if she didn't, and it was deliberate, I would edge a tiny bit towards the suspicious end of the scale.

THere is no social obligation to use Facebook at all, so as long as the defriending is done quietly, it is not rude even if it is retalitory. It's just saying, "We are no longer interested in each others' lives."
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30848
Re: To delete, or not to delete?
« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2012, 08:55:56 PM »
It's also possible that Facebook defriended you.

Seriously, if I ran Facebook, I'd keep this glitch, because it's a nice excuse when it's necessary, and would make Facebook less of a minefield.

Do you *care* that you don't see her feeds, etc.? You wanted to scale the friendship back, but without drama of cutting her off completely.

It seems to me that this actually SERVES your goals.

I'd leave well-enough alone.

diesel_darlin

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1084
Re: To delete, or not to delete?
« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2012, 11:22:08 PM »
Toots, I totally agree. I like that glitch too. Its saved me on a few occasions.  :P

Yes, this serves my purpose, because I am relieved that she is gone from my feed.

I plan on leaving well enough alone, because I haven't had contact with her for a while now. If someone hadn't commented on that picture, it would probably taken me much longer to notice that she was gone from my list. You are absolutely right in the fact that I don't want the drama. I still care about this friend as a person, and I wouldn't deliberately do anything to hurt her feelings. And if I were to raise questions, it would definitely bring the drama I so desperately want to avoid.

This is why I asked the opinions of my fellow EHellions, because I wasnt sure if my husband deleting her would be retaliatory rudeness, or the correct way to handle the situation.   

Thanks for your responses, everyone! I really appreciate them!  :)