Houseguests and book "borrowing"

[WillyNilly]

Well, I would agree if he were MY friend or family, but I think it's odd for a guest of my husband to choose a book that is quite clearly mine.  I've hung out with this guy maybe a dozen times since I've been with my husband (4.5 years).

I'm sorry I'm stuck on this.  He is your guest.  He's more a friend of your husband's perhaps, but as your husband's wife, and the co-owner (renter, whatever, co-head of household) of the home, he absolutely is nothing short of being your house guest as equally as he is your husband's guest. 

I disagree that he's as much my house guest as he is my husband's.  My husband took time off from work to hang out with him.  I did not.  He's not my friend.  My husband made sure the guest room was ready for him and is primarily responsible for any plans involving the guest.  I will be involved in a few plans, but other than being polite and making sure he has what he needs he's not really my guest.

 Ok agree to disagree 
In my mind if its your house and he's a guest in it, he's your house guest.  He might not be your friend, but IMO he's your house guest by simple virtue of being a guest in your house.

And I only really harp on it, because if he thinks as I do, then he doesn't really see a difference between 'your' books and 'your DH's' books, but rather sees them as books belonging to the household.  And since he's friends with your DH and a guest of the household, he's treating household books as he would treat a friend's book's.

[rose red]

No matter who's guest his is, I can't imagine grabbing and borrowing a book without asking.  As a guest, of course I use the soap or napkins, etc., but can't imagine touching things like food, computer, telephone, or remote control without asking or being told to.  I have no problem with looking to even touching (without damaging or dirtying).  I still ask permission in my best friend's house and I know her for over 10 years.

[Talley]

No matter who's guest his is, I can't imagine grabbing and borrowing a book without asking.  As a guest, of course I use the soap or napkins, etc., but can't imagine touching things like food, computer, telephone, or remote control without asking or being told to.  I have no problem with looking to even touching (without damaging or dirtying).  I still ask permission in my best friend's house and I know her for over 10 years.

This is exactly what I do. I have known my best friend for 25 years, and I still do not simply take things/food/books in her house. I might look at something and comment on it, I might ask if I can use something like the phone or the computer, but I do not just go ahead and help myself. And she behaves the same way when she is at my house.

[JillyJ]

Well, I would agree if he were MY friend or family, but I think it's odd for a guest of my husband to choose a book that is quite clearly mine.  I've hung out with this guy maybe a dozen times since I've been with my husband (4.5 years).

I'm sorry I'm stuck on this.  He is your guest.  He's more a friend of your husband's perhaps, but as your husband's wife, and the co-owner (renter, whatever, co-head of household) of the home, he absolutely is nothing short of being your house guest as equally as he is your husband's guest. 

I disagree that he's as much my house guest as he is my husband's.  My husband took time off from work to hang out with him.  I did not.  He's not my friend.  My husband made sure the guest room was ready for him and is primarily responsible for any plans involving the guest.  I will be involved in a few plans, but other than being polite and making sure he has what he needs he's not really my guest.

And I only really harp on it, because if he thinks as I do, then he doesn't really see a difference between 'your' books and 'your DH's' books, but rather sees them as books belonging to the household.  And since he's friends with your DH and a guest of the household, he's treating household books as he would treat a friend's book's.

Well I agree with that - that if he has a different perspective on it, then it doesn't really matter what mine is as he can't read my mind.  So, it's been interesting to hear the varying perspectives on that aspect of it. 

[Talley]

Well, I would agree if he were MY friend or family, but I think it's odd for a guest of my husband to choose a book that is quite clearly mine.  I've hung out with this guy maybe a dozen times since I've been with my husband (4.5 years).

I'm sorry I'm stuck on this.  He is your guest.  He's more a friend of your husband's perhaps, but as your husband's wife, and the co-owner (renter, whatever, co-head of household) of the home, he absolutely is nothing short of being your house guest as equally as he is your husband's guest. 

I disagree that he's as much my house guest as he is my husband's.  My husband took time off from work to hang out with him.  I did not.  He's not my friend.  My husband made sure the guest room was ready for him and is primarily responsible for any plans involving the guest.  I will be involved in a few plans, but other than being polite and making sure he has what he needs he's not really my guest.

 Ok agree to disagree 
In my mind if its your house and he's a guest in it, he's your house guest.  He might not be your friend, but IMO he's your house guest by simple virtue of being a guest in your house.

And I only really harp on it, because if he thinks as I do, then he doesn't really see a difference between 'your' books and 'your DH's' books, but rather sees them as books belonging to the household.  And since he's friends with your DH and a guest of the household, he's treating household books as he would treat a friend's book's.

I find this point-of-view really interesting because it has never really occurred to me that books might be seen as belonging to the household. To me books belong to individuals. Maybe this is because in my house there are very few books that both DH and I have read. Most books in our house definitely belong to me and me along - DH wouldn't be interested in them at all. I am known to be a total book geek, so whenever someone comments on the bookcase in the living room (that's the most public bookcase in the house), DH just says, 'Yeah, they are all Talley's'. And if one of DH's friends would ask DH to borrow one of my books, DH would tell them to ask me as he could not possibly answer that.

Most of my friends are the same, actually. When I look at their bookshelves, even if there is a mix of books, I find it quite easy to pick out which books belong to my best friend, for example, and which to her DH. I wouldn't consider the books on their shelves their joint property, and if I wanted to borrow one, I would ask the person I consider the owner of the book.

[Tilt Fairy]

I'd love it if any of my boyfriends friends were interested in my bookshelf when they came round to our home and if they borrowed something I'd find it such a compliment! Unfortunately when people come over, the only thing that generates any interest is the Play Station 3.

I wouldn't mind someone coming into my home and without asking pulling a book from my bookshelf to read or a film from our DVD collection to watch if they wanted to but then again, if I have a guest round, I subscribe to the 'my home is my guests home'. I totally get that people might find it uncomfortable with guests examining and touching their things without asking but just in case, it's always better to be polite and ask to borrow something without just taking it as a general rule. If I wanted my books to be kept in good condition (which is a terribly sensible idea) then I would ask my guest if they wouldn't mind just being careful with it.

I think things like books are a little different to other things and 'fair game' to be looked at and touched but I don't think I'm going to do a good job of explaining why. I just see books as such a good conversational point in life. They're spiritedly and heatedly debated over, people cry over them, laugh over them, fall in love over them, live their lives by them, study them, adapt them - books are truly the best friend one can have! I would think it's normal for a guest to look through the books to discover your tastes and find out more about their hosts. My library collection is full of classic novels and I feel my books are an extension of myself of which I would love my guests to want to get to know more. As long as someone I hardly know doesn't say "Wow! you have Middlemarch here, you're such a loser!" I wouldn't mind a little light-ribbing". 

And just to settle a side-moot, I too agree that a guest of my s/o is as much my guest. Despite how little or how much I know him, I always welcome him with open arms and free-flowing beer! unless he's Chris. I hate Chris.

[Tilt Fairy]

And Willy Nilly are we the same person? Whenever I read your posts it's almost like you've taken things out of my brain and given them life.

[lady_disdain]

Well, I would agree if he were MY friend or family, but I think it's odd for a guest of my husband to choose a book that is quite clearly mine.  I've hung out with this guy maybe a dozen times since I've been with my husband (4.5 years).

I'm sorry I'm stuck on this.  He is your guest.  He's more a friend of your husband's perhaps, but as your husband's wife, and the co-owner (renter, whatever, co-head of household) of the home, he absolutely is nothing short of being your house guest as equally as he is your husband's guest. 

I disagree that he's as much my house guest as he is my husband's.  My husband took time off from work to hang out with him.  I did not.  He's not my friend.  My husband made sure the guest room was ready for him and is primarily responsible for any plans involving the guest.  I will be involved in a few plans, but other than being polite and making sure he has what he needs he's not really my guest.

 Ok agree to disagree 
In my mind if its your house and he's a guest in it, he's your house guest.  He might not be your friend, but IMO he's your house guest by simple virtue of being a guest in your house.

I agree. I see this as the corollary of being invited as a social unit. Sure, he may be primarily your husband's guest, but you are also the hostess. Just as someone shouldn't be treated less courteously because they were invited as half a social unit, I also would expect the other half to act as a host, when someone is invited to their home.

[WillyNilly]

I think things like books are a little different to other things and 'fair game' to be looked at and touched but I don't think I'm going to do a good job of explaining why. I just see books as such a good conversational point in life. They're spiritedly and heatedly debated over, people cry over them, laugh over them, fall in love over them, live their lives by them, study them, adapt them - books are truly the best friend one can have! I would think it's normal for a guest to look through the books to discover your tastes and find out more about their hosts. My library collection is full of classic novels and I feel my books are an extension of myself of which I would love my guests to want to get to know more. As long as someone I hardly know doesn't say "Wow! you have Middlemarch here, you're such a loser!" I wouldn't mind a little light-ribbing". 

Books, IMO, are something that should inherently be shared.  More so than almost anything else.  They are like air or water - one should never pollute or destroy these things, but truly no one can ever really own them.  I mean yes ultimately books are objects, but in the grand scheme of things books are by nature meant to be shared - otherwise why were the words written?  The author could have left them tucked away inside their brain.  By the act of writing the words, of publishing the book, of distributing the book, we know, know in our heart of hearts, this is something that must be shared and spread amongst all.

I find this point-of-view really interesting because it has never really occurred to me that books might be seen as belonging to the household. To me books belong to individuals. Maybe this is because in my house there are very few books that both DH and I have read. Most books in our house definitely belong to me and me along - DH wouldn't be interested in them at all. I am known to be a total book geek, so whenever someone comments on the bookcase in the living room (that's the most public bookcase in the house), DH just says, 'Yeah, they are all Talley's'. And if one of DH's friends would ask DH to borrow one of my books, DH would tell them to ask me as he could not possibly answer that.

Most of my friends are the same, actually. When I look at their bookshelves, even if there is a mix of books, I find it quite easy to pick out which books belong to my best friend, for example, and which to her DH. I wouldn't consider the books on their shelves their joint property, and if I wanted to borrow one, I would ask the person I consider the owner of the book.

Huh.  Honestly I just... I mean I guess I can sorta see it, but to me books are like dishes or towels or sheets.  Before my DF moved in he had his own place and so he moved in with dishes and towels and books.  And we weeded out duplicate dishes and duplicate towels and duplicate sheets and duplicate books and what we kept is all smushed up together as "ours".  Well... the books are separate but only because I had to make room for him to move his in, so I thinned my collection and moved them to one set of shelves, that and we categorize differently.  But certainly I consider the books he brought fair game for me and the books I had fair game to him.

Growing up we had 3 full walls of corner to corner, floor to ceiling books.  They didn't belong to anyone, they belongs to "us" as in my family.  Sure there were "dad books" and "mom books" and "kid books" and "girl books" and "boy books" but hot dang I can't imagine the reaction if I had not allowed by brother free range of "my" books or he towards me, and of course our parents could take any of our books off a shelf and read them and we could take any of their books off the shelf and read them.  Books were assigned to people only by preference not by ownership.

[JillyJ]

Books, IMO, are something that should inherently be shared.  More so than almost anything else.  They are like air or water - one should never pollute or destroy these things, but truly no one can ever really own them.  I mean yes ultimately books are objects, but in the grand scheme of things books are by nature meant to be shared - otherwise why were the words written?  The author could have left them tucked away inside their brain.  By the act of writing the words, of publishing the book, of distributing the book, we know, know in our heart of hearts, this is something that must be shared and spread amongst all.

But can you recognize that not everyone shares that view?  I don't think I'm under any obligation to share my books because the author could have not written it.  The book is available to people in book stores.  If it were my job to share them, I wouldn't own books I would read them and give them away.  I do share books often, but I think whether I share them is up to me.

And we weeded out duplicate dishes and duplicate towels and duplicate sheets and duplicate books and what we kept is all smushed up together as "ours". 

Interesting.  Mr. J and I keep our books separate, with the exception of our travel books which we merged to a shelf in our second bedroom which is furnished with stuff we have collected in our travels.  And we have duplicates.  We both kept our own copies.  Some of them have different covers (different editions, etc) but some are exactly the same.  LOL - we made an active decision to each keep our own (as they clearly meant something to both of us) when we put the shelves together. 

Growing up we had 3 full walls of corner to corner, floor to ceiling books.  They didn't belong to anyone, they belongs to "us" as in my family.  Sure there were "dad books" and "mom books" and "kid books" and "girl books" and "boy books" but hot dang I can't imagine the reaction if I had not allowed by brother free range of "my" books or he towards me, and of course our parents could take any of our books off a shelf and read them and we could take any of their books off the shelf and read them.  Books were assigned to people only by preference not by ownership.

That stopped being the case in my house as soon as we were old enough to understand the concept of, "That doesn't belong to you." Borrowing happened, but you had to ask first.

[WillyNilly]

Books, IMO, are something that should inherently be shared.  More so than almost anything else.  They are like air or water - one should never pollute or destroy these things, but truly no one can ever really own them.  I mean yes ultimately books are objects, but in the grand scheme of things books are by nature meant to be shared - otherwise why were the words written?  The author could have left them tucked away inside their brain.  By the act of writing the words, of publishing the book, of distributing the book, we know, know in our heart of hearts, this is something that must be shared and spread amongst all.

But can you recognize that not everyone shares that view?  I don't think I'm under any obligation to share my books because the author could have not written it.  The book is available to people in book stores.  If it were my job to share them, I wouldn't own books I would read them and give them away.  I do share books often, but I think whether I share them is up to me.

 Sure of course I recognise that not everyone shares my view, but it doesn't always occur to me .

But also please be aware I would have a very different stance on this topic if the book was leaving the household. I don't really even 'get' fully people's usage of the word "borrow" in this thread, no one was "borrowing" anything because no one was taking anything. The book was remaining in the home. It was simply being read.

I do believe ultimately books are items people own but to me a book in a house is like a chair - so long as you use it properly, its just part of the household to be used by residents and guests alike. You can't take it out of th household, and it might seemingly be more one persons then anothers but ultimately its just part of the overall home.

[Instantkarma]

Books, IMO, are something that should inherently be shared.  More so than almost anything else.  They are like air or water - one should never pollute or destroy these things, but truly no one can ever really own them.  I mean yes ultimately books are objects, but in the grand scheme of things books are by nature meant to be shared - otherwise why were the words written?  The author could have left them tucked away inside their brain.  By the act of writing the words, of publishing the book, of distributing the book, we know, know in our heart of hearts, this is something that must be shared and spread amongst all.

wow i dont think i could disagree more!  im willing (happy!)to share titles or authors but the physical books are mine - i want to have them so i can reread them like the old friends that they are. i dont loan books out because they NEVER ever come back the way they left  - and thats if they come back at all.  if i share a book its because i know i wont get it back and im ok with it

[JillyJ]

I do believe ultimately books are items people own but to me a book in a house is like a chair - so long as you use it properly, its just part of the household to be used by residents and guests alike.

I don't know why but this made me think of a person holding up the chair like a lion tamer at the circus and shooing people back with it.  LOL.  Thanks for the laugh on the potential for "chair misuse." 

[Tilt Fairy]

Books, IMO, are something that should inherently be shared.  More so than almost anything else.  They are like air or water - one should never pollute or destroy these things, but truly no one can ever really own them.  I mean yes ultimately books are objects, but in the grand scheme of things books are by nature meant to be shared - otherwise why were the words written?  The author could have left them tucked away inside their brain.  By the act of writing the words, of publishing the book, of distributing the book, we know, know in our heart of hearts, this is something that must be shared and spread amongst all.

wow i dont think i could disagree more!  im willing (happy!)to share titles or authors but the physical books are mine - i want to have them so i can reread them like the old friends that they are. i dont loan books out because they NEVER ever come back the way they left  - and thats if they come back at all.  if i share a book its because i know i wont get it back and im ok with it

Ha Ha this is true isn't it? I don't think I've ever heard in the history of the world someone getting a book back when they've lent it out!

[WillyNilly]

Books, IMO, are something that should inherently be shared.  More so than almost anything else.  They are like air or water - one should never pollute or destroy these things, but truly no one can ever really own them.  I mean yes ultimately books are objects, but in the grand scheme of things books are by nature meant to be shared - otherwise why were the words written?  The author could have left them tucked away inside their brain.  By the act of writing the words, of publishing the book, of distributing the book, we know, know in our heart of hearts, this is something that must be shared and spread amongst all.

wow i dont think i could disagree more!  im willing (happy!)to share titles or authors but the physical books are mine - i want to have them so i can reread them like the old friends that they are. i dont loan books out because they NEVER ever come back the way they left  - and thats if they come back at all.  if i share a book its because i know i wont get it back and im ok with it

Again though this isn't about "loaning out" a book. This a book that was being used in the home.