Need non-etiquette advice

[3angels]

BG/ DH's brother got married several years ago to a woman with 3 daughters. SIL is of the opinion that no one is going to tell her how to raise her children because the school enforced a dress code violation on the oldest child when she was in 1st grade. Therefore, the oldest was pulled out of school and the other 2 have never set foot in a school. Now, at the ages of 19, 17, and 15, those girls can barely read and write, are allowed to smoke, drink alcohol and are sexually active. SIL encourages their behavior. DH is fully aware for my dislike of this woman and her daughters and that I want nothing to do with them. For the most part, I have sucked it up and put on my game face for all family gatherings. Now, I'm not so sure./End BG

A couple of weeks ago we received an invitation in the mail for the "bagging and tagging" of the oldest niece. Yes, those exact words were used on the wedding invitation. The invitation also included the note that BIL and SIL will be cooking the meat on the grill for the reception but that all guests are asked to bring a side dish and a chair to sit on along with their gift. DH and I have been arguing about whether or not we are going but then he dropped another bomb on me last night. It seems that the youngest girl (age 15) is pregnant and is going to make the announcement at the wedding. Since she wants to tell everybody herself, the entire family has been Instructed to pretend that we don't know and act surprised and really excited for her.

I can't do it. I just can't be excited about a 15 year old with absolutely no education and no job having a baby on purpose because she wanted one without any thought as to how she was going to take care of this baby when she can't even take care of herself. She doesn't live with BIL and SIL, she crashes on the couch of whatever friend lets her that day and bums food & cigarettes from them (or steals what she needs) until she outstays her welcome then moves on. I know I sound harsh but that is what she does and is proud that it doesn't cost her anything to live from day to day.

So, not only do I have to decide if we are going to drive 2 hours, give a gift and food for one girl's wedding but we also have to show excitement for the pregnancy of the other. And I have to pretend to my children that her behavior and the way she lives is OK!! How do I do this?

[Merry Mrs Martin]

  Get the flu  or call social services.   In other words aviod conflict or take the strongest stand possible.  Sorry I have nothing else.

[Morty'sCleaningLady]

I'd simply send my regrets because you have other commitments that evening.  Every time the SIL hosts such an event, have another commitment. 

[guihong]

That situation comes up fairly commonly here.  My thought would be, send your DH to the wedding, since it's his family.  If he tries to pressure you into going "to look good for the family", then you have bigger issues at stake than dislike for a peripheral relative.

I have to wonder why your DH hasn't called social services, if this is going on.  Or doesn't he want to stir things up?

[Silversurfer]

First of all, and even though you didn't ask for them, Hugs.
This sounds like it has been an uncomfortable family situation for you for a long time, and now it is coming to a head.

We say on ehell all the time that an invitation is not a summons. Don't go for the wedding. No snark intended, but if you dont like the bride or the family, don't go. I wouldnt.

If you feel that one representative  from your family should be in attendance, then it should be your DH because it is his side of the family.

You said

DH is fully aware for my dislike of this woman and her daughters and that I want nothing to do with them.

So call social services and report the situation (if you want to) and cut the family out of your life.

Good luck

[Slartibartfast]

If you don't feel you can go and honestly be a part of the celebration(s), then politely decline the invitation.  Your DH can still go if he wants to, but you're under no obligation to celebrate something you don't believe in unless you're already stuck in a social situation (e.g. someone announces "we're getting married!" when you're at a big gathering and other people would see your reaction) - and even then, all that's strictly required is to wish them the best of luck and then to excuse yourself if necessary.

[3angels]

I wanted to call social services when they first started dating. The girls were 14, 12, and 10 at the time. They weren't attending school, SIL "homeschooled" them. SIL, who barely graduated highschool, has taught them the basics for ready, writing and math but not very well. Every time the local school district contacted her about why the children weren't in school, she moved within days to a completely different area. If I knew where the youngest was living, I would call social services. But then she would probably do the same disappearing act that her mother taught her. I really feel sorry for this baby in the end knowing how it will be raised.

As for my DH, he is really close to his siblings and the only way he can have any contact with his brother is if SIL is there. She won't let him come visit us without her and she knows she isn't welcome in my house. Every time we have hosted a gathering at our house, she has done something to cause problems that ended the gathering on a bad note.