Author Topic: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"  (Read 4769 times)

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Carpathia

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Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« on: March 25, 2012, 07:30:32 PM »
I'm FB friends with an ex-colleagues' husband (have occasionally seen them socially but wouldn't call either of them friends, more like acquaintances). Ex-colleague doesn't have FB.

The problem I have with him is that he constantly sends me app requests (I have never once responded) and worse, he constantly posts the guilt-trippy, PA copy'n'paste status updates and I've had enough. This is the latest and actually the least annoying so far, except perhaps for the stalkerish overtones;

Attention everyone who is on my friends list...! I do enjoy hearing about you and your family life, the good news and support during the dark times. I love the pix & all. Whether you know it or not, I visit you from time-to-time (on FB). Thank you so much for being part of my life, whether or not we talk on a regular basis, you are still in my thoughts. I do wish I could see you all in person much more often though!.... Let's see who actually pays attention. If you like this post, copy it as your status for just one minute. I'll be watching to see who actually does cherish family and friendship!!

Problem is, if I defriend, I will get the (very hurt) "why have you defriended X" from his wife when I see her next. What can I say which politely addresses the fact that I won't put up with this sort of stuff any longer?

I have accepted friend requests from about four people who would have been insulted had I not accepted; but who I didn't really want to add. One is from a friend of my husband's whom I've met twice and don't really care for but he kept asking my hubby why I hadn't accepted him and it felt rude to keep ignoring him (and his wife). I don't dislike him, more that his comments are not the sort I want on my FB - he swore in a comment thread which my mother was also commenting on although he wouldn't have known it was my mum, but still, who swears on the FB page of someone you don't really know? (or on anyone's!).

Can I defriend, or would that be impolite now that I accepted in the first place?

Tilt Fairy

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2012, 07:43:13 PM »
The problem is, some people have trouble separating that not being somebody's Facebook friend does not mean that they are not your friend  or someone you like in 'real life'. When I had Facebook, I defriended my best friend, my little sister and my boyfriend who I LIVE WITH because I couldn't put up with the contestant Ikea check in, robert pattison and golf updates respectively. I have plenty of friends who are charming in real life and who I adore but I would not have as my Facebook friend. Like in your scenario, I would completely defriend somebody who sent me constant app updates. If they asked me why I defriended them I would just say why.

The explanation is going to make sense to those who see Facebook friends as separate from friends in reality.
The explanation is not going to make sense to those who see being someone's friend in real life equates to also being someone's Facebook friend.

Some people can be lovely in real life but very annoying over the internet.

Sterling

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2012, 07:44:04 PM »
You can always just hide him so you don't see his stuff
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Bluenomi

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2012, 08:07:33 PM »
Hiding him without defriending is a good option, he won't know you can't see his updates. Blocking him from posting on your wall/posts is a bit trickier since he will know you've done that.

The other option is to defriend him and when friend asks just say 'whoops, I didn't know, must have been a weird FB glitch'  >:D and just neglect to re friend him

Deetee

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2012, 08:10:49 PM »
Go to his latest post
In the upper right hand corner there is a dropdown arrow
You can select "all updates", "most updates (default)" and "only important"

Pick "only important" and you won't miss the baby announcement or other things that other people comment on.


kckgirl

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2012, 08:15:46 PM »
It sounds like he isn't writing on your wall, with the "Attention everyone who is on my friends list" post. That's just appearing in your news feed. The most drama-free way to handle it is to go to his page and click "unsubscribe" at the top. He'll still be on your friend list, but won't know you aren't seeing anything he writes. If his wife then asks if you saw something he posted, you can truthfully say that you must have missed it.
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Miss March

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2012, 08:17:09 PM »
That's ridiculous. How does he know if you only log on to Facebook once a day and you miss that crucial "minute time frame" that he's monitoring statuses?
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blarg314

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2012, 08:33:01 PM »

Yeah, blocking but not defriending is a the best option.

I must say, that's a particularly silly status post, though.  I don't even read the "if you really ... you'd repost" requests, even the most innocuous. I hit one, and I don't read past the first line. I think it's the use of ellipses (...) that makes them easy to spot.

baglady

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2012, 09:51:18 PM »
Those "reply and/or repost this so I can see who's paying attention" statuses should be taken with a grain of salt. Everyone who posts them is reposting because it says to. It's the FB equivalent of a chain letter. Don't take it personally.

That said, if you don't want the guy's posts showing up in your feed, but you don't want to defriend him, you can block him or unsubscribe, as PPs have noted.
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Carpathia

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #9 on: March 26, 2012, 03:03:37 PM »
Thank you everyone; I'd forgotten you can do that. It's the best option I think.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #10 on: March 26, 2012, 03:38:24 PM »
I'm not trying to be mean here, but what is the point of having someone as a friend if you are ignoring all of their activity?

I am on facebook and I make a habit of going through and removing people every couple of months.  I have been called out on defriending people and I simply say something to the effect of "I'm trying to pare my list down to the people who I chat with the most...or something like that."  You don't owe it to anyone to justify your actions on your own facebook profile.  How you use it is completely up to you.


jmarvellous

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #11 on: March 26, 2012, 03:45:10 PM »
I'm not trying to be mean here, but what is the point of having someone as a friend if you are ignoring all of their activity?

I am on facebook and I make a habit of going through and removing people every couple of months.  I have been called out on defriending people and I simply say something to the effect of "I'm trying to pare my list down to the people who I chat with the most...or something like that."  You don't owe it to anyone to justify your actions on your own facebook profile.  How you use it is completely up to you.

If you don't want to be asked why you defriended, it seems like a fine compromise.
I find some people fine to be around in real life, so I wouldn't want to have the "why aren't we FB friends anymore?" conversation, but I don't want to see their drivel online. It works for me (and for many, many people).

PastryGoddess

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2012, 03:56:15 PM »
I'm not trying to be mean here, but what is the point of having someone as a friend if you are ignoring all of their activity?

I am on facebook and I make a habit of going through and removing people every couple of months.  I have been called out on defriending people and I simply say something to the effect of "I'm trying to pare my list down to the people who I chat with the most...or something like that."  You don't owe it to anyone to justify your actions on your own facebook profile.  How you use it is completely up to you.

If you don't want to be asked why you defriended, it seems like a fine compromise.
I find some people fine to be around in real life, so I wouldn't want to have the "why aren't we FB friends anymore?" conversation, but I don't want to see their drivel online. It works for me (and for many, many people).

Yeah I understand that.  I'm in the minority of facebook users.  I'm a private user, so you can't find me unless you are already a friend (makes sense..no) and I'm only friends with people who I chat with on a regular basis.  I'm actually not facebook friends with people I see on a regular basis, it's more for keeping in touch with far away friends.

MrTango

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #13 on: March 26, 2012, 04:38:57 PM »
I'm not trying to be mean here, but what is the point of having someone as a friend if you are ignoring all of their activity?

I am on facebook and I make a habit of going through and removing people every couple of months.  I have been called out on defriending people and I simply say something to the effect of "I'm trying to pare my list down to the people who I chat with the most...or something like that."  You don't owe it to anyone to justify your actions on your own facebook profile.  How you use it is completely up to you.

For me, I ask myself if defriending the person would lead to that person creating drama.  If I'm worried that the person will create drama and attempt to drag others into it, I just hide all their statuses.  (i.e. my sister's boyfriend, because my sister would start whining about it to my parents).

I seldom actually "block" people on FB.  The only two people I've ever actually defriended and Blocked are a toxic, bible-thumping (literally) aunt and an ex-girlfriend.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Polite responses to "why did you defriend my husband?"
« Reply #14 on: March 27, 2012, 12:41:01 AM »
This is quite interesting to read everyone's thought on Facebook.  I use it differently than most, but I have started to friend people who I see on a semi-regular basis.  I have a little file where I'm putting all of the different ideas about what to do about defriending, hiding statuses, etc  :D