Author Topic: First date paying for dinner question.  (Read 23671 times)

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cass2591

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #45 on: March 26, 2012, 07:32:08 PM »
Let's try another scenario- Sara goes out on a first date with a guy. They talk beforehand and decide to have dinner out and then drinks back at her place. He takes her to a restaurant and buys her a nice dinner. He then takes her home, and goes up to her apartment for drinks. They have a nightcap and chat for a bit before he finally says "Okay, I'm ready now." Sara says "Ready for what?" to which her date replies "Well, the sex of course! Aren't you going to sleep with me?" He and Sara had never discussed having sex with each other, but he believes that sex on a date (especially after he has paid for dinner) is an "unspoken given," and thinks that it's very rude of Sara to have gone on a date knowing that she wasn't going to sleep with him afterwards.

Obviously, this would totally and completely not fly. So why is it okay for Sara to do the exact same thing only with a meal instead of sex?

I might agree with asking this hypothetical question if people here agreed w/Sarah, but since nobody has, I'm not getting the reason for your alternative scenario.
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Bluenomi

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #46 on: March 26, 2012, 07:34:16 PM »
A date does not equal dinner or even a meal. My first date with DH was coffee and a movie. Our second date was coffee and a walk around a flower festival. I didn't expect dinner or for him to pay for either of those.

Sara is out of line. Jon made plans that suited his budget and she changed them. He tried to be nice and argreed to go out of dinner. NO way should anyone be paying for a dinner bill when they didn't wat anything!

Zilla

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #47 on: March 26, 2012, 07:37:03 PM »
I be so horribly embarrassed for Sara.  And how crass she is to ask outright if he is paying when it was so obvious he wasn't.  I am surprised she is outraged instead of cringing.  But then again it may explain what type of person she is.


I hope it didn't that poor guy off of dating and he finds a nice girl. 




TheBardess

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #48 on: March 26, 2012, 07:38:58 PM »
Let's try another scenario- Sara goes out on a first date with a guy. They talk beforehand and decide to have dinner out and then drinks back at her place. He takes her to a restaurant and buys her a nice dinner. He then takes her home, and goes up to her apartment for drinks. They have a nightcap and chat for a bit before he finally says "Okay, I'm ready now." Sara says "Ready for what?" to which her date replies "Well, the sex of course! Aren't you going to sleep with me?" He and Sara had never discussed having sex with each other, but he believes that sex on a date (especially after he has paid for dinner) is an "unspoken given," and thinks that it's very rude of Sara to have gone on a date knowing that she wasn't going to sleep with him afterwards.

Obviously, this would totally and completely not fly. So why is it okay for Sara to do the exact same thing only with a meal instead of sex?

I might agree with asking this hypothetical question if people here agreed w/Sarah, but since nobody has, I'm not getting the reason for your alternative scenario.

Sorry, it was more just along the lines of demonstrating another reason why Sara was wrong. Somebody above posted what the date might have looked like from the guy's point of view, which is what got me thinking about other scenarios.
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Moray

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #49 on: March 26, 2012, 07:39:14 PM »
Let's try another scenario- Sara goes out on a first date with a guy. They talk beforehand and decide to have dinner out and then drinks back at her place. He takes her to a restaurant and buys her a nice dinner. He then takes her home, and goes up to her apartment for drinks. They have a nightcap and chat for a bit before he finally says "Okay, I'm ready now." Sara says "Ready for what?" to which her date replies "Well, the sex of course! Aren't you going to sleep with me?" He and Sara had never discussed having sex with each other, but he believes that sex on a date (especially after he has paid for dinner) is an "unspoken given," and thinks that it's very rude of Sara to have gone on a date knowing that she wasn't going to sleep with him afterwards.

Obviously, this would totally and completely not fly. So why is it okay for Sara to do the exact same thing only with a meal instead of sex?

I might agree with asking this hypothetical question if people here agreed w/Sarah, but since nobody has, I'm not getting the reason for your alternative scenario.

Cass2591, I almost posted the same thing, TheBardess just beat me to it. I can't speak for TheBardess, but my reasoning was that, presumably, Siotehcat and her friend were engaging in some kind of dialogue about this and it would make a really great way to explain why this sort of entitlement mentality isn't okay.

ETA: Dang it! Cross-posted!
Utah

TheBardess

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #50 on: March 26, 2012, 07:42:01 PM »
Let's try another scenario- Sara goes out on a first date with a guy. They talk beforehand and decide to have dinner out and then drinks back at her place. He takes her to a restaurant and buys her a nice dinner. He then takes her home, and goes up to her apartment for drinks. They have a nightcap and chat for a bit before he finally says "Okay, I'm ready now." Sara says "Ready for what?" to which her date replies "Well, the sex of course! Aren't you going to sleep with me?" He and Sara had never discussed having sex with each other, but he believes that sex on a date (especially after he has paid for dinner) is an "unspoken given," and thinks that it's very rude of Sara to have gone on a date knowing that she wasn't going to sleep with him afterwards.

Obviously, this would totally and completely not fly. So why is it okay for Sara to do the exact same thing only with a meal instead of sex?

I might agree with asking this hypothetical question if people here agreed w/Sarah, but since nobody has, I'm not getting the reason for your alternative scenario.

Cass2591, I almost posted the same thing, TheBardess just beat me to it. I can't speak for TheBardess, but my reasoning was that, presumably, Siotehcat and her friend were engaging in some kind of dialogue about this and it would make a really great way to explain why this sort of entitlement mentality isn't okay.

ETA: Dang it! Cross-posted!

Exactly! I'm pretty sure Sara would not be okay with men doing this to her with regard to sex, so why is she okay doing it to them with meals is the point I was going for.
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cass2591

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #51 on: March 26, 2012, 07:44:32 PM »
And no doubt the responses would have been the same.
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Zilla

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #52 on: March 26, 2012, 07:45:35 PM »
Let's try another scenario- Sara goes out on a first date with a guy. They talk beforehand and decide to have dinner out and then drinks back at her place. He takes her to a restaurant and buys her a nice dinner. He then takes her home, and goes up to her apartment for drinks. They have a nightcap and chat for a bit before he finally says "Okay, I'm ready now." Sara says "Ready for what?" to which her date replies "Well, the sex of course! Aren't you going to sleep with me?" He and Sara had never discussed having sex with each other, but he believes that sex on a date (especially after he has paid for dinner) is an "unspoken given," and thinks that it's very rude of Sara to have gone on a date knowing that she wasn't going to sleep with him afterwards.

Obviously, this would totally and completely not fly. So why is it okay for Sara to do the exact same thing only with a meal instead of sex?

I might agree with asking this hypothetical question if people here agreed w/Sarah, but since nobody has, I'm not getting the reason for your alternative scenario.

Cass2591, I almost posted the same thing, TheBardess just beat me to it. I can't speak for TheBardess, but my reasoning was that, presumably, Siotehcat and her friend were engaging in some kind of dialogue about this and it would make a really great way to explain why this sort of entitlement mentality isn't okay.

ETA: Dang it! Cross-posted!

Exactly! I'm pretty sure Sara would not be okay with men doing this to her with regard to sex, so why is she okay doing it to them with meals is the point I was going for.


I can see the correlation.  Sara had an unreasonable expectation such as Bardess story, the guy has an unreasonable expectation.

Dr. F.

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #53 on: March 26, 2012, 07:47:36 PM »
(wording this very carefully to try to avoid any form of drama or controversy)

Cat,

I know you've posted in the past that you and your husband have slightly different relationship expectations than are common in US society. Does your friend share those views? If so, perhaps she needs to be more direct about her expectations?

Edited: she needs to be more direct about her expectations no matter what, now that I think about it. ;)

Sootikin

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #54 on: March 26, 2012, 08:00:10 PM »
Sara thinks that the reason that it's never happened before is because she has never dated someone as young as Jon. Jon is early 20's and Sara is early 30's.

Sara makes no sense, who did she date when she was as young as Jon? 

His age has nothing to do with it, he simply refused to be guilted into paying for her meal, I think that shows quite a bit of maturity.  I wouldn't be surprised if he laughed all the way home at her old fashioned and sexist views.


I'm going to take umbrage at the bolded.  I am old fashioned, if a man asked me out on a date I expected him to pay for what he had proposed for the date activity.  If I invited a man on a date, I paid for what I proposed as the date activity.  That is the "old fashioned" way of d@ting, Sara was doing the "Gold Digging" way of d@ting.  Furthermore, I as a single old fashioned woman living alone would never invite a man to my home on the first date! 

Jon never offered to take Sara to dinner.  Sara is completely in the wrong and outright rude for expecting Jon to pay for her meal because he never offered to take her out as part of the date.  Sara's rudeness compounds itself by not having a few snacks or munchies out to go with the drinks and video games, as she was the host for the date.

You're taking  umbrage because my view of old fashioned differs from yours?  He didn't invite her to dinner and long gone are the days when a man was expected to pay for everything.

Instantkarma

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #55 on: March 26, 2012, 08:06:57 PM »
I agree with everyne else that sarah was waaay out of line - all the more cause she invited jon over to her house and had no food to give him? what sort of hostess does that?

jedikaiti

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #56 on: March 26, 2012, 08:08:57 PM »
She's clearly nuttier than a fruitcake and rude as heck. I am also wondering how many second dates she gets, when she treats a first date so poorly?
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cass2591

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #57 on: March 26, 2012, 08:13:00 PM »
Assuming that by "first date" this means they've never met before, Sarah is incredibly stupid for inviting a man she'd only met online to her house.
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Instantkarma

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #58 on: March 26, 2012, 08:20:24 PM »
Assuming that by "first date" this means they've never met before, Sarah is incredibly stupid for inviting a man she'd only met online to her house.

great point!!

Sharnita

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #59 on: March 26, 2012, 08:30:33 PM »
For that matter Jon wasn't that wise either.  He was taking a foolish risk as well.