Author Topic: First date paying for dinner question.  (Read 26615 times)

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Namárië

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #60 on: March 26, 2012, 08:31:37 PM »
Assuming that by "first date" this means they've never met before, Sarah is incredibly stupid for inviting a man she'd only met online to her house.

Yeah, that makes me really uncomfortable. I did some internet dating when I was single, and I met some great guys, but I met a lot more weirdos. Sara is really lucky her date wasn't one of them. (Or perhaps the dinner was a way to get a creep out of her home? Maybe?)
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Moray

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #61 on: March 26, 2012, 08:35:44 PM »
Assuming that by "first date" this means they've never met before, Sarah is incredibly stupid for inviting a man she'd only met online to her house.

Yeah, that makes me really uncomfortable. I did some internet dating when I was single, and I met some great guys, but I met a lot more weirdos. Sara is really lucky her date wasn't one of them. (Or perhaps the dinner was a way to get a creep out of her home? Maybe?)

I've changed the dating venue to something more public when I've gotten an inky feeling (even having known the guy for years). If she was concerned for her safety, though, I'd expect her not to basically force him to stick around and watch her chow down.
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Jaelle

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #62 on: March 26, 2012, 08:36:19 PM »
I'm in my late 30s; DH is almost 10 years older than I am. We are both agreed that Sara was completely wrong. (Actually, our first date was a walk at a nearby park. :) Dates definitely don't automatically include dinner just because they're dates.)

And why on earth would she expect the guy to pay when she's the one who changed the plans?   ???
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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #63 on: March 26, 2012, 08:42:55 PM »
Assuming that by "first date" this means they've never met before, Sarah is incredibly stupid for inviting a man she'd only met online to her house.

So glad someone else was thinking the same thing.

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Luci

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #64 on: March 26, 2012, 08:43:44 PM »
For that matter Jon wasn't that wise either.  He was taking a foolish risk as well.

As the story proves!

lollylegs

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #65 on: March 26, 2012, 08:45:42 PM »
Well, because it's boring when everyone agrees, I'm going to be a minor voice of dissent.

I think Sara's only rudeness was in expecting Jon to pay.  And don't get me wrong, that's a huge transgression that overshadows everything else.  However...

I don't think she was necessarily rude to assume that the date included dinner.  It's possible that every single date she's ever been on has included dinner and she's just come to believe that's what everyone does.  And since she figured they were going out to dinner, why would she bother getting something out to cook? 

But she should have used this as a teachable moment.  There wouldn't have been a problem if her story had gone, I went on a first date with this guy.  We arranged for him to come to my place first and I just figured that we'd go out afterwards, because that's what I've always done on dates.  Well it turns out that he didn't make the same assumption, so I had to drag him out to a restaurant and eat a whole meal in front of him while he drank water.  It was so embarrassing!  In the future, I'll know to specifically mention that I'd like to go out afterwards.

But she didn't, she expected someone who didn't even eat to pay for her dinner and that is unforgivably rude.  And yes, very silly to invite a stranger into her home.

shhh its me

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #66 on: March 26, 2012, 08:46:34 PM »
Assuming that by "first date" this means they've never met before, Sarah is incredibly stupid for inviting a man she'd only met online to her house.

Yeah, that makes me really uncomfortable. I did some internet dating when I was single, and I met some great guys, but I met a lot more weirdos. Sara is really lucky her date wasn't one of them. (Or perhaps the dinner was a way to get a creep out of her home? Maybe?)

I've changed the dating venue to something more public when I've gotten an inky feeling (even having known the guy for years). If she was concerned for her safety, though, I'd expect her not to basically force him to stick around and watch her chow down.

and not to call him rude becasue he didn't buy her dinner.

cass2591

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #67 on: March 26, 2012, 08:48:39 PM »
Assuming that by "first date" this means they've never met before, Sarah is incredibly stupid for inviting a man she'd only met online to her house.

Yeah, that makes me really uncomfortable. I did some internet dating when I was single, and I met some great guys, but I met a lot more weirdos. Sara is really lucky her date wasn't one of them. (Or perhaps the dinner was a way to get a creep out of her home? Maybe?)

I've changed the dating venue to something more public when I've gotten an inky feeling (even having known the guy for years). If she was concerned for her safety, though, I'd expect her not to basically force him to stick around and watch her chow down.

Agreed. Though if I got a hinky feeling from someone I'm sure as hell not getting into the same vehicle with him, no matter who's driving. I'm not an alarmist so if my hinky meter goes off, I listen.
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Editeer

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #68 on: March 26, 2012, 08:52:59 PM »


I don't think she was necessarily rude to assume that the date included dinner.  It's possible that every single date she's ever been on has included dinner and she's just come to believe that's what everyone does.  And since she figured they were going out to dinner, why would she bother getting something out to cook?


I agree that Sara's expectations might have come from her own experience. In which case, assuming dinner was included wouldn't be rude, though it says she needs to widen her horizons a bit.

However, when she and John actually discussed it, that was the time for Sara to adjust her expectations. (What lollylegs called the teachable moment.)

So, how did the rest of the date go? I'm dying to know!  >:D

Amava

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #69 on: March 26, 2012, 09:01:04 PM »
How rude of him to decline the honour of paying to watch her eat.  ;D

Misunderstandings happen, but if I had expected to go out for dinner and it turned out I had misunderstood, I'd have tried to find the least awkward way to get something to eat. Dragging someone along to a restaurant and eating a full meal in front of them is not the way to go... And choosing an expensive place, even! Let alone expecting him to pay for it!  :o

But this is probably not the way this lady's mind works. In her mind, she had been "promised" a paid-for dinner, and she was going to get it, not matter how rudely she had to insist on it. I'm glad the young man stood his ground and did not pay!
« Last Edit: March 26, 2012, 09:02:56 PM by Amava »

Allyson

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #70 on: March 26, 2012, 09:13:35 PM »
This just seems weird to me! They were at her house playing video games, and she was the one who wanted to eat, and..expected him to pay for her dinner..? I don't get it. It almost seems, from an outside point of view, that she was trying to trick him into buying her food. I find it just as bizarre if I were to be out on a date and decide I really needed some new pants, we were going to go to the store, and...oh, he was paying for my jeans, right?


jaxsue

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #71 on: March 26, 2012, 09:24:17 PM »
Assuming that by "first date" this means they've never met before, Sarah is incredibly stupid for inviting a man she'd only met online to her house.

So glad someone else was thinking the same thing.

Count me in.

CluelessBride

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #72 on: March 26, 2012, 09:52:08 PM »
This just seems weird to me! They were at her house playing video games, and she was the one who wanted to eat, and..expected him to pay for her dinner..? I don't get it. It almost seems, from an outside point of view, that she was trying to trick him into buying her food. I find it just as bizarre if I were to be out on a date and decide I really needed some new pants, we were going to go to the store, and...oh, he was paying for my jeans, right?

Believe it or not, I've seen this happen, back when I was in high school.  Except it wasn't jeans, it was a new purse. 

I just happened to run into a casual friend while he was on a date (I think it was the 2nd, but might have been 1st) at the mall.   I got in line behind them at the counter and he introduced her to me, saying that they had some time to kill before their movie and so she wanted to check out the sale.  She plopped the purse on the counter and the cashier rang her up.  And then she just looked at him expectantly.  And he just sort of stood their awkwardly while the cashier looked back and forth at them.  I busied myself looking through the contacts in my cell phone, trying really hard not to pay attention to them.  And then she "ahemed" and he says, "umm, are you going to get your wallet out?"  and she replied with "You're buying it for me. We're on a date!"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him look at me for help.  I'm ashamed to say I just kept staring at my phone pretending not to see or hear (I know, horrible - but I was 16, and just as perplexed as he was! Plus, what does a third party say in that situation?).  He ended up handing over $65 for her new purse. As reference, $65 was probably about 10 hours worth of work for him (HS student, fast food joint)!



I find Sarah incredibly rude and presumptuous.  But I think her date was lucky to discover her true colors so soon.

SiotehCat

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #73 on: March 26, 2012, 10:45:49 PM »
Unless I am reading this thread title wrong, this was their first date?

So what on earth was she doing inviting him around to her house?  :o

The one rule I know about internet dating is always meet in a public place, and don't invite them into your home alone until you know they aren't nutters.

Sara has done quite a bit of dating in the past, but she has been doing a lot more than usual lately because of a new dating site that she joined. So far, this is the first time that I have heard her invite someone to her home and I can't say for sure why she did it. I would guess that she felt comfortable because she has several roommates both male and female.

Sara is not a gold digger, a gimmie pig or a user.I have known her a long time and can say that with certainty.

She thinks men should pay for the first date and she thinks dinner is or should be included in that. She has no problem paying or splitting dates/dinners afterwards.

I was on her side originally, but I had to do some questioning before I got the whole story.

Sara: I had the worst date on Friday. He even made me pay for dinner!
Sio: What?! You really pick winners. Did you have to pay the whole bill or just half?
Sara: Well, the whole bill. He didn't eat. He just had water.
Sio: Why would he invite you to dinner if he wasn't going to eat?
Sara: Well, what happened was...
Sio: So, he didn't invite you to dinner?
Sara: Huh? It was a first date! Its just etiquette, Sio!
Sio: I don't think it works that way.

It turns out that dinner wasn't even the reason her date was so awful. It gets weirder and grosser.

I posted this thread for my own sanity, not for Sara. I wouldn't tell her that I asked a bunch of people on an etiquette board. There are only so many etiquette boards and it wouldn't take long to find me.

buvezdevin

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #74 on: March 26, 2012, 10:56:45 PM »
As a friend of hers, with the benefit of a number of points made pretty consistently by all posters, would you feel comfortable suggesting to your friend that she might want to update any profile she has on dating sites regarding her views on dating?  I think that would be a kindness to her and her potential future dates.

 Also, in line with what others have said, the safety factor of not having an unknown person come to your house goes beyond whether or not you have from mates to offer some sense of security. As she seems to be processing dating solely through the lens of what she expects, it would also be a kindness to help her see that not all unpleasantness can be foreseen.
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