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Author Topic: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread  (Read 38644 times)

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#borecore

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #30 on: March 28, 2012, 01:39:57 PM »
Regarding Zilla's example, if I knew of a poster who hated dogs and posted about it often, or it was relevant to threads where it wasn't mentioned and I still knew about it, I would find it (and do find it) very difficult to avoid mentioning their underlying dog hatred for the sake of other posters who might find it easier to understand the poster's perspective if they knew that underlying belief.

And I would feel free to mention my own fundamental disagreement with that world view any  time it came up.

Example:
DogHater posts: My neighbor has dogs, and I want to report her to the etiquette police because this is just wrong.

Unaware Newbie posts: Well, why don't you just learn to live with it? Your neighbor having dogs isn't affecting your life as far as I can tell.

DogHater: But I really think my neighbor AND her dogs are immoral. I once heard the dog panting when I was walking by.

Unaware newbie: That just doesn't make any sense.

I come in: Unaware Newbie, perhaps you haven't noticed this, but DogHater hates dogs. I feel that in this situation, this is pretty relevant. DogHater, perhaps your perspective on all dogs being awful is coloring your feelings? I would suggest taking a step back and trying to see why your neighbor isn't being viewed as immoral by the rest of us.

DogHater: But I hate dogs! My neighbors should know this.

-- I bow out --

I do think that explaining why one thinks dog-hating is right (or wrong) in every thread can be tiresome, but it's not the same 10 people reading every thread, and being presumptuous in these situations is the greater frustration for the forum at large.

Paper Roses

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #31 on: March 28, 2012, 02:13:26 PM »
Sometimes, I do think that posters get hung up on one detail in the OP and address that, as opposed to the question.

Example:

OP:  I was at a friend's house and accidentally spilled some wine on her carpet.  I feel terrible, and want to do what I can to make it right.  I've offered to pay for a professional cleaning, and if that doesn't work, I told her I would contribute toward replacing the carpet.  She wants me to pay the whole cost of the replacement, even though the carpet is 5 years old.  Is that reasonable? 

Response:  Well, in situations like this, it's best not to drink wine when standing on a carpet at all.

Well, um . . . duh.  I've probably already figured that out.  And whether I have or not really is beside the point.  The question is, is it reasonable for my friend to expect me to replace her carpet, NOT was I out of line to drink wine while standing on the carpet.  That question we can debate until the end of time, but it's not going to help this particular situation at this point in time.
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Zilla

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #32 on: March 28, 2012, 02:24:13 PM »
Regarding Zilla's example, if I knew of a poster who hated dogs and posted about it often, or it was relevant to threads where it wasn't mentioned and I still knew about it, I would find it (and do find it) very difficult to avoid mentioning their underlying dog hatred for the sake of other posters who might find it easier to understand the poster's perspective if they knew that underlying belief.

And I would feel free to mention my own fundamental disagreement with that world view any  time it came up.

Example:
DogHater posts: My neighbor has dogs, and I want to report her to the etiquette police because this is just wrong.

Unaware Newbie posts: Well, why don't you just learn to live with it? Your neighbor having dogs isn't affecting your life as far as I can tell.

DogHater: But I really think my neighbor AND her dogs are immoral. I once heard the dog panting when I was walking by.

Unaware newbie: That just doesn't make any sense.

I come in: Unaware Newbie, perhaps you haven't noticed this, but DogHater hates dogs. I feel that in this situation, this is pretty relevant. DogHater, perhaps your perspective on all dogs being awful is coloring your feelings? I would suggest taking a step back and trying to see why your neighbor isn't being viewed as immoral by the rest of us.

DogHater: But I hate dogs! My neighbors should know this.

-- I bow out --

I do think that explaining why one thinks dog-hating is right (or wrong) in every thread can be tiresome, but it's not the same 10 people reading every thread, and being presumptuous in these situations is the greater frustration for the forum at large.


I would and have brought up the poster hatred of dog.  But then I would have posted this:


Poster, you might not be aware but the poster has a hatred of dogs as expressed in other threads.


OP:  While I think it's excessive, but if you feel you must, then report it. 

JamFly

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #33 on: March 28, 2012, 02:59:09 PM »
Sometimes, I do think that posters get hung up on one detail in the OP and address that, as opposed to the question.

Example:

OP:  I was at a friend's house and accidentally spilled some wine on her carpet.  I feel terrible, and want to do what I can to make it right.  I've offered to pay for a professional cleaning, and if that doesn't work, I told her I would contribute toward replacing the carpet.  She wants me to pay the whole cost of the replacement, even though the carpet is 5 years old.  Is that reasonable? 

Response:  Well, in situations like this, it's best not to drink wine when standing on a carpet at all.

Well, um . . . duh.  I've probably already figured that out.  And whether I have or not really is beside the point.  The question is, is it reasonable for my friend to expect me to replace her carpet, NOT was I out of line to drink wine while standing on the carpet.  That question we can debate until the end of time, but it's not going to help this particular situation at this point in time.

Or sometimes it goes like this:

OP:  I was at a friend's house and accidentally spilled some wine on her carpet.  I feel terrible, and want to do what I can to make it right.  I've offered to pay for a professional cleaning, and if that doesn't work, I told her I would contribute toward replacing the carpet.  She wants me to pay the whole cost of the replacement, even though the carpet is 5 years old.  Is that reasonable? 

Response 1:  Well, in situations like this, it's best not to drink wine when standing on a carpet at all.

Response 2: Drinking wine is bad, and  it shouldn't be done in a residential area.

Response's 3-5: Actually relevant to the OP.

Response 6: Was it red or white wine? Drinking red wine isn't a good idea in a carpeted area, but white white is okay.

Response 7: Why were you drinking wine? You said one of your friend's who is pregnant and also the designated driver attended that party, and she can't drink right now. I'm pregnant right now and just posting from the point of view of your friend who can't drink right now, and I would feel pretty upset if you drank in front of me. 

Response 8: Yeah OP, if I was your friend and I couldn't drink and you drank in front of me, I'd be very upset with you too.

And the rest of the thread descends into chaos with everyone ignoring the OP's actual question, and instead arguing and/or discussing responses 2, 6 but mostly 7's replies, with the occasional post that's actually relevant.


It really makes me uncomfortable to see how snarky some posters can be little side trips to one random detail from the OP ignored or is deemed irrelevant to the OP's question by the OP.

MacadamiaNut

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #34 on: March 28, 2012, 04:00:07 PM »
Sometimes, I do think that posters get hung up on one detail in the OP and address that, as opposed to the question.

Example:

OP:  I was at a friend's house and accidentally spilled some wine on her carpet.  I feel terrible, and want to do what I can to make it right.  I've offered to pay for a professional cleaning, and if that doesn't work, I told her I would contribute toward replacing the carpet.  She wants me to pay the whole cost of the replacement, even though the carpet is 5 years old.  Is that reasonable? 

Response:  Well, in situations like this, it's best not to drink wine when standing on a carpet at all.

Well, um . . . duh.  I've probably already figured that out.  And whether I have or not really is beside the point.  The question is, is it reasonable for my friend to expect me to replace her carpet, NOT was I out of line to drink wine while standing on the carpet.  That question we can debate until the end of time, but it's not going to help this particular situation at this point in time.

Or sometimes it goes like this:

OP:  I was at a friend's house and accidentally spilled some wine on her carpet.  I feel terrible, and want to do what I can to make it right.  I've offered to pay for a professional cleaning, and if that doesn't work, I told her I would contribute toward replacing the carpet.  She wants me to pay the whole cost of the replacement, even though the carpet is 5 years old.  Is that reasonable? 

Response 1:  Well, in situations like this, it's best not to drink wine when standing on a carpet at all.

Response 2: Drinking wine is bad, and  it shouldn't be done in a residential area.

Response's 3-5: Actually relevant to the OP.

Response 6: Was it red or white wine? Drinking red wine isn't a good idea in a carpeted area, but white white is okay.

Response 7: Why were you drinking wine? You said one of your friend's who is pregnant and also the designated driver attended that party, and she can't drink right now. I'm pregnant right now and just posting from the point of view of your friend who can't drink right now, and I would feel pretty upset if you drank in front of me. 

Response 8: Yeah OP, if I was your friend and I couldn't drink and you drank in front of me, I'd be very upset with you too.

And the rest of the thread descends into chaos with everyone ignoring the OP's actual question, and instead arguing and/or discussing responses 2, 6 but mostly 7's replies, with the occasional post that's actually relevant.


It really makes me uncomfortable to see how snarky some posters can be little side trips to one random detail from the OP ignored or is deemed irrelevant to the OP's question by the OP.

So what are you trying to say here?  That wine is not a suitable topic to post about?  Everybody knows wine-loving is universal.  I can't believe someone would have a different opinion about wine posting.

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Lynn2000

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #35 on: March 28, 2012, 04:27:37 PM »
JamFly and jmarvellous, can I just say I found the scenarios you came up with very funny? In that sort of "funny because it's true" way... They are both very realistic regarding how threads sometimes go. I especially love the part about the dog being immoral because it was panting.  ;D

I do think tangents in threads can be good sometimes, because they might bring up something that the OP was assuming to be universal or unchangeable, and once people post ideas to the contrary, it CAN give the OP some additional measures to try in their situation, or at least in the future.

OP: This is the third time I've spilled wine on my friend's carpet. I contributed $X towards having it cleaned the first two times, but now she says she wants me to pay to replace the whole thing. (which I realize is changing the original scenario from JamFly)

I think it would be quite reasonable for people to suggest things like not drinking wine on carpet, investing in steadier wine glasses, not wearing wobbly shoes while drinking wine, trying their grandmother's surefire recipe for cleaning wine from carpet, etc.--IN ADDITION to answering the OP's actual question. If I were a first-page poster to the thread, I would try to concentrate on answering the OP's actual question; whereas if the thread had been going on for five pages, and I felt that a lot of good advice had been given on that score already, I would feel more comfortable branching out with my advice, which could maybe help the OP prevent this situation in the future. Plus you never know when a tangential question will bring out important information--"Well, it was actually her child ramming into me with his toy truck that caused me to spill the wine, but I didn't think that was relevant before, so..." would change the scenario completely.

I guess I do kind of feel that anything the OP mentions opens the door on that subject, to CONSTRUCTIVE comments and suggestions (nothing hostile or mean). So if one person says, "Well, you could avoid this situation in the future by just not drinking wine," okay, fine. Someone had to say it, I guess. But then if lots of people contribute to the thread derailing into a pro-wine vs. con-wine debate, from the first page, without really attempting to address the OP's question... I can see how an OP would get frustrated with that.

If I wanted to wade into that morass, I think I would, in fact, try to answer the OP's question (even if I was repeating myself from an earlier post), maybe even pose another related question in the hopes of getting people back on track--"OP, could you or someone else estimate how much money you think the carpet replacement will be? If it's $5X or more I do think your friend is being unreasonable, since you said the carpet looked fine after being cleaned the other times. But if somehow it's only $2X, maybe it's worth paying that, and then just decide to never drink wine at her house again." <--note: may or may not be my actual opinion in a wine-spilling accident ;)
~Lynn2000

Solanna Dryden

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #36 on: March 28, 2012, 04:37:19 PM »


Or sometimes it goes like this:

OP:  I was at a friend's house and accidentally spilled some wine on her carpet.  I feel terrible, and want to do what I can to make it right.  I've offered to pay for a professional cleaning, and if that doesn't work, I told her I would contribute toward replacing the carpet.  She wants me to pay the whole cost of the replacement, even though the carpet is 5 years old.  Is that reasonable? 

Response 1:  Well, in situations like this, it's best not to drink wine when standing on a carpet at all.

Response 2: Drinking wine is bad, and  it shouldn't be done in a residential area.

Response's 3-5: Actually relevant to the OP.

Response 6: Was it red or white wine? Drinking red wine isn't a good idea in a carpeted area, but white white is okay.

Response 7: Why were you drinking wine? You said one of your friend's who is pregnant and also the designated driver attended that party, and she can't drink right now. I'm pregnant right now and just posting from the point of view of your friend who can't drink right now, and I would feel pretty upset if you drank in front of me. 

Response 8: Yeah OP, if I was your friend and I couldn't drink and you drank in front of me, I'd be very upset with you too.

And the rest of the thread descends into chaos with everyone ignoring the OP's actual question, and instead arguing and/or discussing responses 2, 6 but mostly 7's replies, with the occasional post that's actually relevant.


It really makes me uncomfortable to see how snarky some posters can be little side trips to one random detail from the OP ignored or is deemed irrelevant to the OP's question by the OP.

And there'll be a few posts along the line of

Response
  • "Mmmm I love wine!"


Response[x+1] "Darn it, OP, I have no answer for you but I think I'm going to go drink some wine! Yummers!"

(Let's say the thread title was "Making a Mess on the Carpet")

Response[y]: I thought this was about my cat! He's always making a mess on the carpet!

They aren't *bad,* per se, but they aren't *helpful* either, and it can be frustrating to see your thread has new replies and it's just stuff like that. Unless it's in the Coffee Break folder.
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lollylegs

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #37 on: March 28, 2012, 06:18:49 PM »
I didn't really address the OP in my previous comment so here's my 2 cents worth.

Sometimes the OP is clearly posting for validation.  One of my unofficial eHell rules is, as soon as I see something like, "I know that was rude but I don't care," I leave the thread. 

Sometimes the OP is new and just doesn't know.  And that's the whole purpose of joining this board, to learn this stuff.  For example, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that it's rude to say No Gifts on an invitation.  I get why it's so and I'd never do it now that I know, but if my first post on here was, "What's a nice way of saying No Gifts?" and every post told me I shouldn't do it at all, I might try to argue the point.  So I'll sometimes participate in those threads, because it's a learning curve for the OP.

And sometimes it's one of those things where the OP has a history of problems with the person, business, etc in the OP, but the situation they're describing isn't that bad.  Here's an example:

OP: My son's school is always asking for donations and we just can't afford it.  Today they've sent home a note asking for $10 for a field trip.  I want to send them a nasty email.  Is this okay?

Responses: It's pretty normal for schools to ask parents to pay for field trips.

OP: You don't understand, they bombard us with letters and emails for donations and guilt us if we don't give, DS wasn't allowed to participate in the school concert because we didn't donate money for the costumes, etc etc.

Responses: OP, I understand that you've had a bad history with this school but the situation this particular situation isn't particularly heinous.  I would advise against sending a nasty email.


Those are 50/50 for me.  I think it's helpful to show the OP how they're letting the past colour their opinion, in the hopes of preventing them from doing something they might regret.  But sometimes you reach a stage with those ones where the OP clearly doesn't want to hear it, and maybe that's because the school or whatever genuinely is horrible, but we can only address the information we've been presented.

Paper Roses

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #38 on: March 28, 2012, 08:34:29 PM »
Ok, but my point is, if I'm asking a question about a specific situation, admonishing me about getting into it to begin with isn't going to help.  It's not like if I stand there over the spilled wine and say, "Oh, gee, I shouldn't have brought a glass of wine in here!" the stain is going to disappear.

Now, if I post the same question several times, sure, maybe it's time to say "You know, this seems to happen to you quite a bit.  Maybe you should consider a sippy cup; or perhaps an IV line with the wine in an enclosed container."

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Lynn2000

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #39 on: March 28, 2012, 09:14:05 PM »
Ok, but my point is, if I'm asking a question about a specific situation, admonishing me about getting into it to begin with isn't going to help.  It's not like if I stand there over the spilled wine and say, "Oh, gee, I shouldn't have brought a glass of wine in here!" the stain is going to disappear.

Now, if I post the same question several times, sure, maybe it's time to say "You know, this seems to happen to you quite a bit.  Maybe you should consider a sippy cup; or perhaps an IV line with the wine in an enclosed container."

Oh, I agree. Same with the "Mmm, gonna have some wine now!" posts, where that's the ONLY thing in the post. I mean, those are kind of fun and I'm sure I've done that before myself; but, I try to do it only when the thread has gone on for several pages, and the OP has already gotten lots of good answers to their question. Because it IS frustrating to come in with a specific question, and have people get sidetracked on what I, the OP, consider to be minor details.

But, I do think there's value in more wide-ranging observations, once the OP's initial question has been taken care of. For example, "Maybe you just shouldn't drink wine," is I guess a pretty obvious and unhelpful answer in this case; though, honestly, what seems obvious to some people just isn't to others sometimes. I mean, what if someone says, "Why don't you just drink water the next time you're at that friend's house?" and the OP is like, "She doesn't offer me water. If I get thirsty, there's only red wine. In slippery glasses. And the whole house is carpeted in white. And there are gerbils underfoot." So at that point the REAL question becomes not, "Should the OP replace the carpet?" but rather, "Should the OP run screaming from this strange, controlling person?" Which is not what the OP asked, but it's really the more important question (though of course if the OP doesn't like that line of discussion, they are free to quit reading the thread).

To take a more serious example, sometimes a thread starts out like, "My mom got me a sweater in the wrong size for my birthday. Is there a way I can ask her where she got it, so I can return it and get the right size?" People give various options for wording, and eventually someone says, "It's your mom, why don't you just explain to her that it's the wrong size and ask her where she got it?" Then, slowly, it tumbles out that the mom is a toxic person who has issues with her daughter's weight or with gifts being perfect or whatever, and people start saying, "OP, you really need to step back and think about this, her behavior towards you is not okay, you do not deserve to be treated that way, maybe you should consider cutting her off and getting some professional help about this." Well, you know, more eloquently and compassionately than that, though. The OP didn't come with the question, "My mom talks to me this way and I don't like it. Is this normal? How can I respond?" She had a question about exchanging a gift. But it blossomed into something larger and, one hopes, more helpful to the OP overall. If everyone had stuck SOLELY to the question at hand, the OP wouldn't actually have been helped at all, because none of the suggested responses ("Hey Mom, I love that sweater, where did you get it, I want to get more?") would have been applicable to her situation.

I mean, I like to think people are really being helped here... But in some cases when the above happens, you find an OP who really doesn't want to deal with the larger issue right now, and they get irritated that they're being given this "irrelevant" advice. Which is totally their right, of course; it's an Internet message board, not an in-patient counseling center. :) If the thread is really unhelpful to the OP, for whatever reason, I think they should just walk away from it (as should anyone on the verge of posting in anger).
~Lynn2000

MacadamiaNut

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #40 on: March 28, 2012, 09:26:50 PM »
What is the best way to handle an OP getting noticeably upset by the comments on their thread?  (I am not talking about dog-piling here I am talking about the majority of posters seeing things quite differently than the OP)

Is the onus on the commenters to be extra kind/gentle or is it upon the OP to deal?   

When the OP gets really annoyed and starts posting in an angry way I find that posters either leave the thread or try and reason with the OP - which way would be best or is there another alternative?

As far as onus, my answer is both.  Commenters should be nice about it and not criticize in a destructive manner and the OP should be able to deal with differing opinions nicely.  The way I look at it, this service is free.  It's a cost-free and quick way to get opinions and advice - from a whole bunch of good and well-meaning people, I might add.  If OP gets upset and lashes out because viewpoints in the thread are different, then I would see that as sort of looking a gift horse in the mouth.  They shouldn't post for advice or viewpoints in that case because inevitably, someone is going to come along and see things differently. 

It's the same in real life.  If I ask a friend for advice, I need to be prepared to hear something I may not necessarily want to hear.  If my friend is being nice and honest about it, I have no right to lash out at her.  I'm the one who asked!  As far as the advice given, I have a choice.  I can take it or leave it.

On the second question, I think people should do what they feel comfortable doing.  All this within the established guidelines and rules of the forum, of course.

As far as any OTT types of situations and responses that can't be settled among the posters themselves for whatever reason, then that's what the MODs are for.

Just my 2 cents.  :)
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

MacadamiaNut

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #41 on: March 28, 2012, 09:32:16 PM »
Ok, but my point is, if I'm asking a question about a specific situation, admonishing me about getting into it to begin with isn't going to help.  It's not like if I stand there over the spilled wine and say, "Oh, gee, I shouldn't have brought a glass of wine in here!" the stain is going to disappear.

Now, if I post the same question several times, sure, maybe it's time to say "You know, this seems to happen to you quite a bit.  Maybe you should consider a sippy cup; or perhaps an IV line with the wine in an enclosed container."

Oh, I agree. Same with the "Mmm, gonna have some wine now!" posts, where that's the ONLY thing in the post. I mean, those are kind of fun and I'm sure I've done that before myself; but, I try to do it only when the thread has gone on for several pages, and the OP has already gotten lots of good answers to their question. Because it IS frustrating to come in with a specific question, and have people get sidetracked on what I, the OP, consider to be minor details.

But, I do think there's value in more wide-ranging observations, once the OP's initial question has been taken care of. For example, "Maybe you just shouldn't drink wine," is I guess a pretty obvious and unhelpful answer in this case; though, honestly, what seems obvious to some people just isn't to others sometimes. I mean, what if someone says, "Why don't you just drink water the next time you're at that friend's house?" and the OP is like, "She doesn't offer me water. If I get thirsty, there's only red wine. In slippery glasses. And the whole house is carpeted in white. And there are gerbils underfoot." So at that point the REAL question becomes not, "Should the OP replace the carpet?" but rather, "Should the OP run screaming from this strange, controlling person?" Which is not what the OP asked, but it's really the more important question (though of course if the OP doesn't like that line of discussion, they are free to quit reading the thread).

To take a more serious example, sometimes a thread starts out like, "My mom got me a sweater in the wrong size for my birthday. Is there a way I can ask her where she got it, so I can return it and get the right size?" People give various options for wording, and eventually someone says, "It's your mom, why don't you just explain to her that it's the wrong size and ask her where she got it?" Then, slowly, it tumbles out that the mom is a toxic person who has issues with her daughter's weight or with gifts being perfect or whatever, and people start saying, "OP, you really need to step back and think about this, her behavior towards you is not okay, you do not deserve to be treated that way, maybe you should consider cutting her off and getting some professional help about this." Well, you know, more eloquently and compassionately than that, though. The OP didn't come with the question, "My mom talks to me this way and I don't like it. Is this normal? How can I respond?" She had a question about exchanging a gift. But it blossomed into something larger and, one hopes, more helpful to the OP overall. If everyone had stuck SOLELY to the question at hand, the OP wouldn't actually have been helped at all, because none of the suggested responses ("Hey Mom, I love that sweater, where did you get it, I want to get more?") would have been applicable to her situation.

I mean, I like to think people are really being helped here... But in some cases when the above happens, you find an OP who really doesn't want to deal with the larger issue right now, and they get irritated that they're being given this "irrelevant" advice. Which is totally their right, of course; it's an Internet message board, not an in-patient counseling center. :) If the thread is really unhelpful to the OP, for whatever reason, I think they should just walk away from it (as should anyone on the verge of posting in anger).

I agree with the gist of what Lynn has said here.  Very well put!
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

hyzenthlay

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #42 on: March 28, 2012, 09:49:48 PM »
I think threads that drift after a few pages are fine. I mean there is only so much to be said about cleaning red wine stains before people get repetative.

I don't see a problem with polite dog-piling in situation where the OP really appears to be either in the wrong, or at least not considering all the angles. We have a need a hug folder when people want support rather then feedback, so I don't see any reason to be too much on the softly softly side otherwise.

I tend to ditch a thread if the OP comes back with ever-changing background. Even if I thought it was all true, the fact that it wasn't part of the opening post leads me to think that it wasn't really a factor for the OP to begin with.

lollylegs

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #43 on: March 28, 2012, 10:02:43 PM »
I think threads that drift after a few pages are fine. I mean there is only so much to be said about cleaning red wine stains before people get repetative.

I don't see a problem with polite dog-piling in situation where the OP really appears to be either in the wrong, or at least not considering all the angles. We have a need a hug folder when people want support rather then feedback, so I don't see any reason to be too much on the softly softly side otherwise.

I tend to ditch a thread if the OP comes back with ever-changing background. Even if I thought it was all true, the fact that it wasn't part of the opening post leads me to think that it wasn't really a factor for the OP to begin with.

I've always wondered if there's an official meaning for the term 'dogpiling'.  Sometimes posters will accuse others of dogpiling when it doesn't seem to fit my personal definition of the word.  Is dogpiling just when a bunch of posters voice their disagreement, or is it when it's done in a nasty way?

violinp

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Re: When the OP gets upset by the comments in their thread
« Reply #44 on: March 28, 2012, 10:17:20 PM »
I think threads that drift after a few pages are fine. I mean there is only so much to be said about cleaning red wine stains before people get repetative.

I don't see a problem with polite dog-piling in situation where the OP really appears to be either in the wrong, or at least not considering all the angles. We have a need a hug folder when people want support rather then feedback, so I don't see any reason to be too much on the softly softly side otherwise.

I tend to ditch a thread if the OP comes back with ever-changing background. Even if I thought it was all true, the fact that it wasn't part of the opening post leads me to think that it wasn't really a factor for the OP to begin with.

I've always wondered if there's an official meaning for the term 'dogpiling'.  Sometimes posters will accuse others of dogpiling when it doesn't seem to fit my personal definition of the word.  Is dogpiling just when a bunch of posters voice their disagreement, or is it when it's done in a nasty way?

That's the definition of dogpiling to my mind.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter



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