Cancelling tentative plans?

[dearabby]

I stuck my toe back into the world of online dating - what a trip it is! After weeding through a guy who was looking for a sister-wife (!) and a couple who were pretty far outside my stated age-range, I've been talking with a couple of guys.

So I had tentative plans to meet this one guy - let's cal him Jim - last Sunday for breakfast. On Saturday we were talking and the call dropped. I texted back that he could give me a call when he was back in service.  A couple hours later he texted me "Come to (his address an hour away) at 630 grilling steaks".

I really thought he'd mixed up a text w/ somebody else. I have no interest in meeting someone for the first time at their house (and he lives in a remote acreage, to boot). So I said "Already have plans! Have fun though. Still meeting tomorrow am? Where?" And I didn't get a response, so I figured he was a flake and enjoyed my Sun AM at home...He texts around noon saying he thought he would have heard from me by now. His impression from the text exchange was that I was going to call HIM. At any rate, we end up chalking it up to a miscommunication and decide to try for the following Saturday (tomorrow) - but nothing concrete.

Last night we talked briefly (none of our conversations have been longer than 5 mins) and he again wanted me to come out to his place. He was incredulous that I'd only want to meet in public for a first date. I asked him if he's often met up with people at his/their home & he relayed that yes, one girl came over for the whole weekend, but was essentially a gold digger and another he met at HER house, but it became apparent she wanted to "take care of him" for a "donation". So I was like - "Yeah, that's why it's always been my rule to meet in public!". Geez.

He's also been really pushy asking for more pics (I have both an accurate/recent face and full-length body shot on my profile, so I've been resistant). These things in combination made me realize, after the call, that I don't really want to meet him.

He wants me to just call him after my Saturday morning event is done & we'll get together. Would I be in the wrong to just cancel at this point? I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the level of familiarity he's taken on when we haven't had enough conversation to base that off of (coming to his house & inviting me on his spring break trip?!?). And the begging for pics is a real turn-off. Is it worse etiquette to break a date, or go along despite a pretty sure feeling this isn't a good match?

[still in va]

i don't even think this is a question of etiquette.  this guy is sending up warning flag after warning flag by not respecting your boundaries, and by continuously trying to push past those boundaries.  i'd cancel now and be done with it.

[MacadamiaNut]

I'd cancel posthaste.  He sounds pretty dangerous to me and even if he's not and is just a little clueless, I would not risk it.  Safety trumps etiquette here.   Even if he finally agrees to meet in public, he will still at some point want to be in your home or have you in his.  I can only think of one word to describe what you wrote about him in the OP:  CREEPY.

[KimChi]

i don't even think this is a question of etiquette.  this guy is sending up warning flag after warning flag by not respecting your boundaries, and by continuously trying to push past those boundaries.  i'd cancel now and be done with it.

That's exactly what I'm getting out of this, too. I say cancel and cut ties with him.

[Jones]

Safety trumps etiquette. Cancel.

[dearabby]

Any help on wording? OK if I just send a text?

Something along the lines of "I'm just not feeling like this is a good match for me and I'm going to have to cancel our plans for tomorrow"?  Or just not call on Saturday?

Thanks - I usually go to my sister for this kind of help - she's like a dating Obi Wan.

[Surianne]

Your text sounds fine to me.  I'd probably make it a little more firm and final ("Upon further thought I don't see us as a match, so I'm cancelling for tomorrow.  Best of luck with your dating!" or something like that), but yours works too.  He will likely respond asking you why, or for a second chance, or to say something insulting -- but don't reply.  Make your text the last contact with him.

It's a safety issue, and even if he weren't sending up red flags and just turned you off in another way, you're perfectly fine to cancel.  Meeting someone when you're not interested would be just wasting his time anyway, yes?  So really, you're doing him a favour by cancelling, so he can move on to his next prospect.

[Raintree]

I wouldn't feel bad AT ALL a about ditching him altogether at this point. What, it's too complicated for him to make a simple coffee date to meet and chat? "Come over to my place, no, I thought you were supposed to call me, ok maybe next week, OK why not at your house, blah blah blah...." How hard is it? And all the talk about how all these other women were gold diggers would turn me off too. I just wouldn't want to hear about how all these other women were soooo interested in his money. It screams "attitude." Next!! As for etiquette, say whatever you like: "I've decided this isn't going to work for me, good luck with your search" is fine.

[Danika]

... I'd probably make it a little more firm and final ("Upon further thought I don't see us as a match, so I'm cancelling for tomorrow.  Best of luck with your dating!" ...

POD

I agree with the others.

Back when I was single, my dad told me that any man who wanted to meet at his house for the first time on a blind date was not worth going out with. I didn't believe my dad. I eventually learned he was right. My impression of guys like that is that they are entitled, pushy, boundary-stomping, and only just want scrabble.

[RandomAngel]

I agree that it's fine to cancel. He may or may not be dangerous, but regardless of that it doesn't sound like you two are looking for each other, know what I mean? You both have very different expectations of what a first, blind date should be, and he's managed to say a number of things you find off-putting before you've even managed to meet, which is not encouraging. Part of the "point" of internet dating is that you can weed out truly unsuitable people before you've wasted a great deal of time on them, and this sounds like a classic opportunity to do precisely that.

[greencat]

I do a lot of online dating.  My rule is that if ANYTHING the guy does in the first month seems a bit off to me, I end it.  I guarantee you this guy is bad news.

[Tiamet]

If he's this pushy and boundary crossing before you've even met, imagine what he will be like later (and that's assuming the best of him - this might be deliberate manipulation to get you alone at his house).

There is no way you are obliged to meet up with this man by the rules of etiquette and even if you were, this is definitely a 'safety trumps...' situation if I ever saw one.

I think the wording suggested by PPs is perfect.

[Twik]

So far, everything you've mentioned is a red light.

Flakiness, and grumpiness whe you don't jump at his command? Check.
Objections to meeting in a neutral place first date? Check.
Refusal to recognize your boundaries? Check.
Bad-talking other women he's dated? Check.
Hinting around for more pictures (which likely means he wants some of "those" pictures)? Check.

He's a non-starter. It's a waste of your time, cross him off the list and move on.

[Winterlight]

Cancel him. You haven't even met him and he's making you feel hinky.

[jedikaiti]

Exactly. I'd just send him a message (I'd prefer through the dating site, personally, but since he already has your cell number...) that says "I'm afraid I have to cancel our brunch date. I'm really getting the feeling that we're just not compatible, and I wish you the best of luck in the future."

If he replies trying to get you to meet anywhere at all, just tell him "We're really just not compatible. There is nothing more to discuss, please do not contact me again." If he keeps pushing it, just block him by whatever means necessary.

That should handle all likely etiquette and safety concerns.