Author Topic: "So how come you never got married?"  (Read 6956 times)

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DuBois

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2012, 02:22:02 AM »
Really, really bad timing on his part. Enough to cause me to raise an eyebrow. But, on the whole, I would go with one of the wordings already proposed.

Yeah, I agree about the bad timing! He was a bit presumptuous I think.

greencat

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2012, 03:21:51 AM »
Maybe a little humor?  "Because I didn't want to get divorced!"

Moonie

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2012, 03:42:35 PM »
I always say, "Because I haven't found the person who deserves having me in thier life forever!"

mharbourgirl

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #18 on: April 04, 2012, 07:31:56 AM »
Really, really bad timing on his part. Enough to cause me to raise an eyebrow. But, on the whole, I would go with one of the wordings already proposed.

Yeah, I agree about the bad timing! He was a bit presumptuous I think.

You know, I'm not so sure about that.  Maybe if OP and her date were in their early 20's, it'd be an odd and inappropriate question, but I get the impression that they're older.  It's a natural curiosity - why haven't you found a partner by this point in your life?  I'd want to know, personally.  To find if they are indeed just particular and cautious, which is a good thing in my mind,  or if there's some deeper issue that might give me a clue as to whether THIS relationship was going to go anywhere or get weird. 

Example from my own life: my brother is 39.  He's never, and I mean NEVER had a long-term, serious, intimate relationship with anyone.  So many people are friends with him, he loves to socialize and he's the life of every party (in a good way, not a crazy way).  But he's terrified of getting close to someone, terrified of getting hurt or rejected, and he will never open up to anyone, not even his siblings.  I have my suspicions as to the ultimate reason for this, but I've always respected his personal privacy regardless of my concerns for him and I don't want to pry into things he's probably not able to deal with in a healthy manner.  Blame our parents for a lot of that, but the guy IS an adult and still can't summon up the spine to take a chance.  He's a great date, easy to talk to, attractive, friendly, but you'll run up against his wall pretty quickly and you're not getting through it.  This is frustrating for anyone, especially someone who wants to get close to him. 

This is the sort of thing any date needs to know, and the older you get the quicker you want to get to the important stuff, the things that will be the deal-breakers, because as you get older you don't want to waste your time.  And you're just interested in the person - in more than just their taste in movies or their favourite foods.  You want to know what makes them tick, what it might take to make them truly happy, all that good stuff.

This is my opinion based on observation and experience.  YMMV.

KenveeB

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2012, 08:22:00 AM »
I just said that I'd never met the right one, and I liked my life too much to settle for the wrong one.

I'm stealing this one.

Ditto.

This is my response too. Mostly to nosy relatives who are aghast that I haven't gotten married just for the sake of getting married, but it works well in this context too.

Ginger G

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #20 on: April 04, 2012, 08:39:22 AM »
Quote
Best response I ever heard to this question was a shrug followed by, "Dunno...just lucky I guess."

I've used this one before myself with coworkers, friends, etc.  Never with a date though.  With a date or potential partner, I would have responded pretty much the way you did. 

ilrag

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #21 on: April 04, 2012, 11:07:13 AM »
Before I got married I used to say "It's a lot of paperwork" when people asked why I hadn't been married.

Turns out I was right!  It was a lot of paperwork.

purplemuse

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #22 on: April 04, 2012, 01:29:27 PM »
Really, really bad timing on his part. Enough to cause me to raise an eyebrow. But, on the whole, I would go with one of the wordings already proposed.

Yeah, I agree about the bad timing! He was a bit presumptuous I think.

You know, I'm not so sure about that.  Maybe if OP and her date were in their early 20's, it'd be an odd and inappropriate question, but I get the impression that they're older.  It's a natural curiosity - why haven't you found a partner by this point in your life?  I'd want to know, personally.  To find if they are indeed just particular and cautious, which is a good thing in my mind,  or if there's some deeper issue that might give me a clue as to whether THIS relationship was going to go anywhere or get weird. 

Example from my own life: my brother is 39.  He's never, and I mean NEVER had a long-term, serious, intimate relationship with anyone.  So many people are friends with him, he loves to socialize and he's the life of every party (in a good way, not a crazy way).  But he's terrified of getting close to someone, terrified of getting hurt or rejected, and he will never open up to anyone, not even his siblings.  I have my suspicions as to the ultimate reason for this, but I've always respected his personal privacy regardless of my concerns for him and I don't want to pry into things he's probably not able to deal with in a healthy manner.  Blame our parents for a lot of that, but the guy IS an adult and still can't summon up the spine to take a chance.  He's a great date, easy to talk to, attractive, friendly, but you'll run up against his wall pretty quickly and you're not getting through it.  This is frustrating for anyone, especially someone who wants to get close to him. 

This is the sort of thing any date needs to know, and the older you get the quicker you want to get to the important stuff, the things that will be the deal-breakers, because as you get older you don't want to waste your time.  And you're just interested in the person - in more than just their taste in movies or their favourite foods.  You want to know what makes them tick, what it might take to make them truly happy, all that good stuff.

This is my opinion based on observation and experience.  YMMV.

I totally agree with what you've said here, but I thing by "timing," the PPs were referring to the fact that he asked her in the middle of a kiss.

MacadamiaNut

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #23 on: April 04, 2012, 01:36:37 PM »
^^^ It's funny.  The timing of it being during the kiss was what had me thinking it was so sweet.  Like he was sort of saying, "Wow, you're so wonderful, I can't believe nobody has snatched you up yet!"
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

Auntie Mame

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #24 on: April 04, 2012, 03:21:29 PM »

Last week: I went on a date with a guy and we hit it off. In the middle of a lovely half hour kiss, he asked me why I'd never been married. I forgot how he worded it, but I sensed he really liked me but was trying to figure out my inner freak (if any of you saw that Scrabble and the City episode).


1) "That scrabble and SITC episode" narrows it down to...all of them  ;D

2) My response: I won't settle.
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DavidH

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #25 on: April 04, 2012, 05:01:53 PM »
I think it's a reasonable question, and deserves and answer, but the timing...perhaps not the best.  I'd stick with a version of I'm looking for the right person, not just anyone who'll say yes or I haven't met the right person yet.

On some level, he probably was trying to find your inner freak or whether there was one.  In my experience, people don't say, I have some terrible character flaw and you should run before I draw you in, rather you have to read between the lines.  Some reasons would be unlikely to suggest an inner freak, like I was very focused on my career, moved around a great deal, or had to take care of my elderly relatives.  On the other hand, when asking prompts a rant on the demerits of your exes, men in general, etc, then he knows to run far and fast.

I think as one gets older and is single, it does put the question in a potential suitors mind, particularly if they have been married.  They may be thinking, I think she's great and perfect, why didn't someone else think so too before I came on the scene?

siamesecat2965

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #26 on: April 04, 2012, 05:40:39 PM »
I have to start off by saying this is a huge issue for me.  Just because I'm 46, and not dating and have never been married doesn't mean there's something wrong with me.  And I know most people don't think that, but sometimes feel like they do.

My standard answer is "I haven't found anyone willing to put up with me" in a joking fashion.  I get that the older you get, for many people they want to find someone to settle down with, and not spend a lot of time d*ting, but having been asked 900 times, it gets old quickly. 

Raintree

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #27 on: April 05, 2012, 12:00:08 AM »
Well he's now asking when he can see me again, and texting me daily so I guess I didn't scare him off yet :D

I guess I can safely say I have no real inner freak to hide; I can honestly say that I've had some great relationships that just didn't pan out after a few years for whatever reason; I've "wasted" time on relationships that I've known are ultimately doomed, just because I enjoyed being with the person for the time being; I've had ONE relationship that involved constant fighting and stress; I've endured the "announcements" I mentioned in my original post, and in general, I do find it increasingly difficult to break the ice with someone new as I get older (40's). It takes someone a little more forward who cuts to the chase instead of hinting and beating about the bush, and that pretty much describes him. (I'm not very forward at all and have never been sure how to let guys know I was interested, so I often end up in the Friend Zone.)

So there you have it; I really don't think I have any weird issues other than what I've described above.

As for his timing, it does sound off the way I told it, but it was kind of in the middle of a break from kissing and in real life didn't seem off at all, but I just wasn't sure the most appropriate way to respond. Lots of great suggestions here that I can use and feel honest about saying.

Isometric

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #28 on: April 05, 2012, 12:34:57 AM »
Why did he never get married? Or why did he divorce? These questions go both ways!

I have to admit, I read the question as a compliment too, as in "how is it possible you're still single" but obviously you were there and know the context.


Raintree

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #29 on: April 05, 2012, 12:59:13 AM »
Why did he never get married? Or why did he divorce? These questions go both ways!

Oh I have questions for him but I don't want to ask them just yet.

Also yes, it did seem more like he was asking why someone as wonderful as me is still single. I didn't think he meant it in a bad way at all. I still was at a loss for how to respond though, and I like many of the responses given here. In case it comes up again.