Author Topic: "So how come you never got married?"  (Read 7241 times)

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lady_disdain

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #30 on: April 05, 2012, 01:22:34 AM »
I don't think the question itself is bad and it can be sweet. Never the less, it is a delicate question since the answer is very personal and there can be many painful reasons (being left at the altar, anyone?).

I am glad you two are happy!

Mikayla

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #31 on: April 05, 2012, 02:13:53 PM »
I don't think the question itself is bad and it can be sweet. Never the less, it is a delicate question since the answer is very personal and there can be many painful reasons (being left at the altar, anyone?).

I am glad you two are happy!

I was thinking much the same reading through this.  I'd never call the question presumptuous or wrong - in fact, it's a common one - but on a first date, nobody should expect full disclosure.  So, OP,  your only problem is which of the great suggestions you use and *when* you use them.

For example, I've only had 2 serious relationships in my life, both long term:  My DH and the guy before him.  I can paint the guy before him in glowing terms, because he was/is a great guy, we had a forced separation of over a year due to his job, that was tough on us and things didn't seem the same when he got back.  That's all true, but it's the sanitized version.

The factoid left out is he cheated on me during that year.  During my dating days after this, I reached a point where I could talk about it, but never on the first date.  It was too personal.   

So I can see where a fairly innocent question has its share of minefields attached.  But you get to pick what gets disclosed and when.  And this all sounds positive for you.  I hope it continues!

nalapuppy

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #32 on: April 05, 2012, 04:33:01 PM »
Just adding my almost funny (not quite funny, but not bad) story of awkward questions/timing to this post. 

Recently, I was in the middle of a bit of a make-out session with someone I've gone out with.  This is with a friend of many years, that is on the verge of becoming more, but not sure if I'm ready to head in that direction. 

Anyway...he made the comment "I don't understand how he (he as in my ex) could let you go!"  Sounds sweet, right?  Well, my ex hasn't let me go....He has stalked and harassed me to some horrible extremes.  My friend knows this.  As soon as he made that comment, he stopped and kind of laughed it off.  Saying something along the lines of "never mind, forget I said anything about him letting you go."

He was well meaning and sweet, but his comment wasn't very thoughtful (but I did find it funny).

audhs

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #33 on: April 12, 2012, 11:07:51 AM »
Why did he never get married? Or why did he divorce? These questions go both ways!

Oh I have questions for him but I don't want to ask them just yet.

Also yes, it did seem more like he was asking why someone as wonderful as me is still single. I didn't think he meant it in a bad way at all. I still was at a loss for how to respond though, and I like many of the responses given here. In case it comes up again.

Could it be that he's looking for a long term relationship and is trying to figure out if the reason you've never married is because you don't want to ever marry?  He could be thinking I really like this woman but if it doesn't have marriage potential I don't want to get too involved.


Just anothe thought. ;)

Personally I'd be more wary of someone who had been divorced (especially if more than once) than of someone who had never married.

bah12

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Re: "So how come you never got married?"
« Reply #34 on: April 12, 2012, 12:47:06 PM »
I think that the first date is not the time to ask a question like this.  Even if he's looking for a long term relationship and wants to get that out, it's a bit off-putting to have it all laid out there so soon (at least for me).

The question itself is reasonable, and until I become ready to disclose more, my answer would simply be "Life hasn't led me down that road yet."