Author Topic: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long) - Update, p. 22  (Read 14500 times)

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SleepyKitty

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long)
« Reply #15 on: April 01, 2012, 12:45:38 PM »
POD to both Harriet and Dindrane. You did not lead him on. Honestly, although there may be a minority of women out there who deliberately lead men on, I think this is a situation which has someone become believed to be a pervasive problem, when I don't think it really is. It smacks of entitlement to women's attention and bodies and reinforces a kind of self-validating image of the man as irresistible - of course a polite smile means she's into you! - and the woman as devious and somehow at fault for the man's rejection.

^^The above, by the way, is not intended to say that Peter not a great guy - it's intended to reassure Aria that she didn't do anything wrong in being friendly.

NyaChan

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long)
« Reply #16 on: April 01, 2012, 12:53:40 PM »
I agree with Dindrane's edits, I think it will be a good way of setting this matter to rest. 

MacadamiaNut

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long)
« Reply #17 on: April 01, 2012, 02:28:57 PM »
I have a friend like this.  He absolutely knows I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with him (i.e. the conversation where you state it will NEVER happen, has already happened).  He still shows signs now and then that he will always be hung up on the idea.  We have a more distant friendship now than in the past, but I have not cut him off completely.  He's a good guy and I just can't picture cutting him off.

I'm not sure and can only speak of what I would do.  I know I'll be in the minority here, BUT I just had to mention that I simply would not send an email for something like this.  Call him and say the same things, if you must.  I'm just not a fan of sending friendship/relationship ending emails.  I think it's worth a two-way conversation.  Then again, I'm a big fan of closure.  It's hard to get that with a one-way email (for either of you).  If you are fine with non-closure then perhaps email is fine for you.

In either case, here's some thoughts.  If you feel you need to hide behind an email, ask yourself why.  What is it that prevents you from just calling and expressing the same things?  Is there something he will say in response that you can't handle?  And why is that?  If that answer is justifiable (to you), then go ahead with the email.  If you feel differently, then consider the call.  Or even better, a face to face meeting.  Him seeing your face and seeing you are dead serious can go a very long way in driving your point home.

P.S. I agree with all that you are in NO WAY guilty or responsible for his feelings.  Deep down, I bet he knows this too.

Best of luck with this, OP!  Your heart is in the right place so you probably can't go wrong no matter what you choose to do.
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

Aria

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long)
« Reply #18 on: April 01, 2012, 02:53:15 PM »
I would not say "probably never will."  Part of the problem seems to be that he's reading waaaaay too much into what you've said.  I would just say that you will never be interested in him romantically.  Period, end of sentence.

Thanks for pointing that out, Dindrane. I didn't even realize I had done it until I read your post. I suppose I was still trying not to hurt his feelings.

I sent the e-mail, updated with Dindrane's suggestions.

I'm not sure and can only speak of what I would do.  I know I'll be in the minority here, BUT I just had to mention that I simply would not send an email for something like this.  Call him and say the same things, if you must.  I'm just not a fan of sending friendship/relationship ending emails.  I think it's worth a two-way conversation.  Then again, I'm a big fan of closure.  It's hard to get that with a one-way email (for either of you).  If you are fine with non-closure then perhaps email is fine for you.

In either case, here's some thoughts.  If you feel you need to hide behind an email, ask yourself why.  What is it that prevents you from just calling and expressing the same things?  Is there something he will say in response that you can't handle?  And why is that?  If that answer is justifiable (to you), then go ahead with the email.  If you feel differently, then consider the call.  Or even better, a face to face meeting.  Him seeing your face and seeing you are dead serious can go a very long way in driving your point home.

MacadamiaNut, almost all of our communication is done through e-mail and occasionally text. The only times I've ever called him were to say that I had arrived somewhere we were meeting, and asked where he was. It's the same with when he has called me. I don't think either of us is especially articulate in person, and I hate talking to anyone on the phone.

I want to thank everyone again for all the wonderful advice!

*Modified to correct subject-verb agreement
« Last Edit: April 01, 2012, 03:20:19 PM by Aria »

MacadamiaNut

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long)
« Reply #19 on: April 01, 2012, 03:12:30 PM »
^^^Ah, I see.  Sorry, I forgot to consider what your regular form of communication with friend might be. 

Fingers crossed he gets what you're saying and hopefully you won't have to spend time on worrying about this anymore!  :)
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

Harriet

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long)
« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2012, 10:17:07 PM »
Good update Aria! I hope it does the trick, keep us posted!

Reader

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long)
« Reply #21 on: April 02, 2012, 01:34:45 PM »
Hope things go well for you.   I have a friend that is like this as well.  After him beating around the bush in trying to tell me he wanted to date in a really long winded message through facebook after 6 months of us being friends which he had never brought up before, that I responded with, I am not interested in you that way said very directly with no ifs.  I even have introduced him to the guy I am currently seeing but that does not seem to stop him from making almost passive aggressive messages through facebook, or trying to act as my date when we have hung out together at the bar we meet at.  I have even seen him at another bar that I told him I frequent, whether it's to run into me or for the great beer they have.  So my only solution looks like I might have to give him the cut direct as I have already scaled back going to the bar that we met at or make sure I go with a friend so he can't glom onto me. 

Aria

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long) - Update, p. 22
« Reply #22 on: April 02, 2012, 05:16:03 PM »
Well, I heard back from him. There's good news and bad news.

Let's start with the bad: he essentially blamed me for encouraging him by hugging him on occasion (I can count on both hands the number of times we hugged after we broke up, and he initiated almost all of those) and inviting him to go places/do things with me (uh, isn't that something friends do?). He also said some other hurtful things, though I'm not sure he intended them to be hurtful.

Now for the good: he apologized (at the end, he said he was sorry for everything) and agreed not to contact me again.

I want to thank everyone again for all the advice, suggestions, and support. Even after everything, I can't help feeling that I'm to blame here. Even though he hurt me, I'm sad to lose a friend.  :(


Harriet

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long) - Update, p. 22
« Reply #23 on: April 02, 2012, 06:19:36 PM »
Well, I heard back from him. There's good news and bad news.

Let's start with the bad: he essentially blamed me for encouraging him by hugging him on occasion (I can count on both hands the number of times we hugged after we broke up, and he initiated almost all of those) and inviting him to go places/do things with me (uh, isn't that something friends do?). He also said some other hurtful things, though I'm not sure he intended them to be hurtful.

Now for the good: he apologized (at the end, he said he was sorry for everything) and agreed not to contact me again.

I want to thank everyone again for all the advice, suggestions, and support. Even after everything, I can't help feeling that I'm to blame here. Even though he hurt me, I'm sad to lose a friend.  :(

You have a right to be sad. Let the stuff he said roll off your back. For him this is the real "break up" and he's bound to say some hurtful things. Ignore the impulse to further justify yourself; you don't need to say anything further.

A warning: He said he won't contact you again. However, be prepared for a seemingly small request for contact in the near future. It may seem trivial. Don't agree to it! If you can, don't respond at all.

You're doing great. The hardest part should be over now. And you deserve some hugs! ((((Aria)))))

MacadamiaNut

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long) - Update, p. 22
« Reply #24 on: April 02, 2012, 06:40:15 PM »
If I know this type of guy (and I think I do), he will contact you again.  Make no mistake.

OP, I know how you feel.  These situations totally suck because in the end, you lose a friend and that is harder to get over.  I recently lost a friend from childhood this way.  I've known him for practically my whole life.  (After everything was said and done, I even unfriended him on facebook... 2 months later he has re-friended me  ::)... I am going to ignore).  We have been through this cycle before and this time I have told myself that I'd rather not go through the pain of losing a friend over and over and over again.  He has proven that he is simply not able to be just friends.  I have promised myself to never try to be friends with him again.  I hope I stick to that. 

I hope you stick to your convictions too.  I really don't think your friend can ever be the friend you want him to be.  If you do ever accept him back, just make sure you accept that.  Oh, and HUGS!!!  You did the right thing. :)
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

JacklynHyde

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long) - Update, p. 22
« Reply #25 on: April 02, 2012, 06:55:51 PM »
"'Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer." - Oscar Wilde

Sorry, I was hoping to throw a little humor into the situation.  Losing a friend truly is the toughest end to a failed attempt at romance.

Aria

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long) - Update, p. 22
« Reply #26 on: April 02, 2012, 07:39:50 PM »
Harriet and MacademiaNut: thanks for the hugs! And you're both right, I fully expect him to contact me again. Ugh, I hope it doesn't happen anytime soon though.

JacklynHyde, I like that quote! Thanks for the laugh  :)

Hawkwatcher

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long)
« Reply #27 on: April 02, 2012, 11:26:03 PM »
POD to both Harriet and Dindrane. You did not lead him on. Honestly, although there may be a minority of women out there who deliberately lead men on, I think this is a situation which has someone become believed to be a pervasive problem, when I don't think it really is. It smacks of entitlement to women's attention and bodies and reinforces a kind of self-validating image of the man as irresistible - of course a polite smile means she's into you! - and the woman as devious and somehow at fault for the man's rejection.


Based on Aria's update, that sounds like exactly what Peter was doing.  It sounds like Aria told him several times that she was not interested in him romantically.  Instead of taking Aria's word for it, he decided to twist any friendly gesture as a sign of "true love."  This type of behavior makes me angry.

Aria, you have no reason to blame yourself.  You did nothing wrong.  But if he contacts you again, you have a prefect reason for not reviving the friendship.  You can tell him that you don't want to risk him getting hurt.

Arista

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long) - Update, p. 22
« Reply #28 on: April 03, 2012, 12:56:50 AM »
Aria, I just wanted to say that you did a good thing, making a clean break from Peter.  It must have been tough to let go of an old friend, but Peter is no longer the friend you had, and will not be able to be that friend to you ever again until he has a chance to get over you.  You did him a kindness by making things very clear, so that he cannot delude himself any longer. 

Reading this story made me think of two problems I have.  The first is, I feel like especially as a woman, I was brought up with the idea that saying "no" is rude to do, but if you have to say no, it's necessary to soften it somehow, to spare the other person's feelings.  I have a much stronger spine now than I did when I was in my teens and twenties, but back then if a guy I had no interest in asked me out, I would have been more likely to respond with something like, "I can't this weekend, sorry, I have to go help my grandmother.  Maybe another time," to mitigate the blow to his ego.  After all, he might think I was a female dog if I just said no with no explanation (gasp, the horror)!  Of course, as I've since found out, these open-ended nos are bad news because while some guys pick up on the clues when a girl turns them down 3-4 times in a row, there are plenty of guys that do not.  I bring it up because had I been in Aria's situation back when I was younger, I could have easily seen myself saying something along the lines of, "Peter, I think you're a great guy, and you'll be a great boyfriend for some lucky girl!  I'm really flattered, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."  I'd be thinking, "Whew, I let him down easy.  I hope he's not mad at me and that we can still be friends."  He'd be thinking, "She thinks I'm great, and she's flattered?!  She says no, but if I keep asking, eventually she'll say yes." 

Which leads me to problem #2:  I feel like the media has a hand in influencing people of both genders to think that if they just persist long enough, the unattainable person of their dreams will see all of their charms and fall madly in love with them, as long as they are willing to wait it out and keep trying.  It's so romantic!  And it can make for a sweepingly epic book, or movie... but in real life?  It's creepy, unhealthy, and borders on harassment.  The ironic thing is, many books and films popular with women have this exact trope, and men assume that's what women are looking for, a suitor that won't give up and won't take no for an answer.  See:  Twilight, Say Anything..., Pride and Prejudice, etc.  Double the whammy when the movie/book, etc. involves friends becoming lovers.  Aria, Peter was probably hoping he'd be the Harry to your Sally.

I don't think you did anything wrong, and I'm glad that Peter finally got a dose of reality.  If a situation likes this ever comes up again, you'll know how to handle it. 
« Last Edit: April 03, 2012, 01:00:24 AM by Arista »

MacadamiaNut

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Re: That Rel@tionship Is Long Over (Long) - Update, p. 22
« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2012, 01:11:35 AM »
Arista, I am not the OP but I thank you for your poignant post.  Soooo many good points there.  It really made me think...
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett