Easter dinner? Invite your Ex! (long) - new update #53

[SamiHami]

Oh, and please don't feel compelled to give her an explaination for why you are declining her invitation. It's likely that she'll badger you for reasons so that she can try to shoot them down. Don't give her the opportunity-just tell her you won't be attending. When she asks why, just say "Because we aren't available that day" and leave it at that.

[Coley]

So.. your mom rescheduled Easter to accommodate your brother's custody arrangement, and moved it (can you even move Easter???) to a date that conflicts with your custody arrangement?

My mom would get a big, "Sorry, the 15th doesn't work for us. And we have other plans for Easter Sunday. See you soon!".

And I disagree that your mother should invite Ex. I would NOT want my mother having contact with an ex other than that which came through me. But I think you need to give Ex a heads up and let him know she may be calling, and it is perfectly okay with you for him to decline/ignore her calls.

She is being disrespectful to you, DH, DS, AND your ex. It sounds like she will continue to do so for as long as you allow her to.

The bolded is a spot-on summary of the situation. Thank you. Yes, we apparently are moving Easter to accommodate my brother's custody arrangement but not mine. I completely agree that this is not respectful of my side of the equation. Rather than forcing this, wouldn't it make more sense to come up with a weekend that works for all of us?

I appreciate your point about my mother contacting Ex. That's how I feel about it in general. And while it's generally accepted for the host/hostess to extend invitations themselves, when this comes up with my mother it may be better for me to handle that with Ex myself.

[Coley]

Email, phone, however you communicate with ex, FIRST. ” ex, mom is hosting dinner on 15th and I am not going. She may call and ask you, please don't worry about going.”
Call two to mom, or email, whatever ” mom, thanks for asking us, we can't come on 15th”.

Then don't go. And try not to feel to guilty when mom starts whining.

That's the part I worry about. She will pile on the guilt. In the past when I've declined to attend because of custody conflicts, I have been told that I am deliberately keeping DS away from his cousins because I won't rearrange the schedule. It's fascinating to me that when my brother declines an invitation because of a custody conflict, his situation is completely understood and the holiday is rescheduled.

[Coley]

Oh, and please don't feel compelled to give her an explaination for why you are declining her invitation. It's likely that she'll badger you for reasons so that she can try to shoot them down. Don't give her the opportunity-just tell her you won't be attending. When she asks why, just say "Because we aren't available that day" and leave it at that.

I do need to work on, "I'm afraid that won't be possible." Your suggestions will come in very handy for when she won't accept that!

[Winterlight]

One bit of advice- do not JADE (justify,argue,defend,explain) to or with your mother. Stick to, "That won't be possible." Any attempt to do the above gets you into a loop where she wins. End the conversation if necessary to escape. "Gotta go, the cat's on fire," worked for someone else on the board. It's even more effective if you don't have a cat.

[Coley]

One bit of advice- do not JADE (justify,argue,defend,explain) to or with your mother. Stick to, "That won't be possible." Any attempt to do the above gets you into a loop where she wins. End the conversation if necessary to escape. "Gotta go, the cat's on fire," worked for someone else on the board. It's even more effective if you don't have a cat.

Ha! That's hilarious. 

[QueenofAllThings]

Jumping on the old POD bandwagon here ....

[Teenyweeny]

One thing:

I've noticed a lot of posters saying that you should decline the invitation to the 'family Easter'. If you do that, make sure it's because you don't want to go, rather than to teach your mum any kind of lesson.

I've found that basing your actions on other people gives them power in your life. Ultimately, you are still modifying your behaviour because of them.

I've started doing what *I* want to do. If it happens to give somebody else a perceived victory, I won't deprive myself of what I want just to avoid that outcome, because I'd still be giving the other person a stake in my decision making process, and removing them from that process is my ultimate goal.

I want to win the war, not just the battle As always, YMMV.

[Coley]

One thing:

I've noticed a lot of posters saying that you should decline the invitation to the 'family Easter'. If you do that, make sure it's because you don't want to go, rather than to teach your mum any kind of lesson.

I've found that basing your actions on other people gives them power in your life. Ultimately, you are still modifying your behaviour because of them.

I've started doing what *I* want to do. If it happens to give somebody else a perceived victory, I won't deprive myself of what I want just to avoid that outcome, because I'd still be giving the other person a stake in my decision making process, and removing them from that process is my ultimate goal.

I want to win the war, not just the battle As always, YMMV.

To the bolded, how very true. Thank you. If we don't go, it will be because we don't want to go. When I mentioned it to DH the first time, he sighed. Family dinners at my mother's are terribly stressful. She wants the picture-perfect event, and when it doesn't always happen, she becomes angry, PA, pouty, and downright ugly. I'd tell you about last Thanksgiving, but it's whole other long story, I'm afraid.

[Roses]

Option 1: Decline the invite because you already have plans AND call your ex to warn him about your mother's latest scheme.

This. 

[mharbourgirl]

How lovely.  Your brother is the Golden Child, you're the Scapegoat, and your mother is the Narcissist who must have her own way all the time no matter how it hurts or inconveniences anyone else.  Because she is the ultimate centre of the universe, don't you know. And heaven help anyone who dares to say 'No' to her royal majesty.  I can only imagine just how ugly she can get when you refuse to bow and bend to her every whim.  She probably gets a special thrill whenever what she wants causes YOU the most stress and upheaval.

I don't think she even wants your son there so much as she wants to stick it to you as painfully as she possibly can.  Your current DH is a saint for having put up with this.  OP, it's time to realize that your mother isn't going to change, she's always going to put your brother first and stomp all over you, so, like everyone above has said, cut the cord.  She doesn't love you, she doesn't give a flying monkey crap about anything to do with you unless she can use it to hurt you.  Stop putting yourself out there to be hurt and inconvenienced.  You're not the only one affected by this, you said it yourself: your current DH, your son, your Ex are all being dragged along for the ride.  Time to get off the train and start doing what YOU want no matter how she whines and guilts and tantrums.  She's a toddler, and you don't tolerate tantrums and guilt trips from toddlers, do you?

[Zilla]

First call Ex, tell him that under no circumstances is he to answer your mom's call or give in.  I suspect he knows how your mom is and will understand.


Second email your mom back, "Hey mom, can't make it on the 15th for the reasons already discussed.  Next year we will see how it goes.  I have ds on this weekend and that weekend.  Hopefully it will work out then."


And leave it at that.  That way you are stating ahead of time which weekends you have available next year and they can better coordinate or not.  I would CC your brother on it as well.

[The703]

I think you should let ex know and tell him to make sure he ignores your mother's calls and then I would call mom and decline. Forget about her being the "hostess" here for a minute and bring her back to just being mom. She is being incredibly rude by going around you (DS's mother) to get what she wants. Put a stop to that immediately. Once you and ex get on the same page of saying no mommy dearest will or should get the message.

[Coley]

How lovely.  Your brother is the Golden Child, you're the Scapegoat, and your mother is the Narcissist who must have her own way all the time no matter how it hurts or inconveniences anyone else.  Because she is the ultimate centre of the universe, don't you know. And heaven help anyone who dares to say 'No' to her royal majesty.  I can only imagine just how ugly she can get when you refuse to bow and bend to her every whim.  She probably gets a special thrill whenever what she wants causes YOU the most stress and upheaval.

I don't think she even wants your son there so much as she wants to stick it to you as painfully as she possibly can.  Your current DH is a saint for having put up with this.  OP, it's time to realize that your mother isn't going to change, she's always going to put your brother first and stomp all over you, so, like everyone above has said, cut the cord.  She doesn't love you, she doesn't give a flying monkey crap about anything to do with you unless she can use it to hurt you.  Stop putting yourself out there to be hurt and inconvenienced.  You're not the only one affected by this, you said it yourself: your current DH, your son, your Ex are all being dragged along for the ride.  Time to get off the train and start doing what YOU want no matter how she whines and guilts and tantrums.  She's a toddler, and you don't tolerate tantrums and guilt trips from toddlers, do you?

Well, you've certainly nailed it, that's for sure! You know, it's funny that you compare her to a toddler. At Thanksgiving, she threw an ugly tantrum because things weren't going her way. We had only been there for half an hour. I'd had enough of it, so I went into the kitchen where she was tantruming, looked her straight in the face, and told her that if she didn't get herself under control, DH, DS, and I were leaving. She argued and fought it for a few minutes, but when I didn't back down she dissolved into tears. The tears were, "I don't want the holiday to be like this," rather than genuine remorse for her behavior. She didn't feel bad about what she did. She felt embarrassed about getting caught.

She's a narcissist through and through. And yes, my brother is the Golden Child, and I'm the Scapegoat. It has been that way as long as I can remember. She does in fact create situations that are difficult for me to manage in an attempt to teach me some sort of lesson. I struggled for a long time with trying to understand why nothing I do is good enough. The truth is that it's her problem, and I don't have to take it on myself. Being an adult has its privileges, and I can choose differently when she tries to set me up.

I do pretty well for the most part in staying off the narcissist train. Where I continue to struggle is in situations that involve DS. I think he should have some semblance of a relationship with his grandmother, but under controlled circumstances. It might sound odd that I haven't given her the cut direct. I came pretty close about 5 years ago. I'm willing to do holidays and birthdays, but beyond that we don't see my mother much.

DH has been incredibly supportive, and I don't take that for granted.  He was there for the Thanksgiving blow-up (there are many more details involved that I haven't explained here), and he saw her narcissism in action for the first time. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.

[Coley]

Thanks again to everyone for their input and insights. I appreciate it. My plan is to speak with Ex about the situation (encouraging some spinal reinforcement on his part) and then to contact my mother to decline the invitation.

Zilla had a great suggestion about telling my mother (and brother) which weekends will work for us next year. I will incorporate that as well.