Easter dinner? Invite your Ex! (long) - new update #53

[Zilla]

I really wish these forums had a like button, Good Luck Coley!

[artk2002]

As someone who has a good relationship with his ex, and wants to keep it that way, I second the advice to:

1) Don't go to your mom's. She and your brother can enjoy their pity-party "Coley's so mean! She won't let us see DS!"
2) Give your ex a supportive heads-up call. He probably gives in to your mom because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy in your DS's life. Tell him that you want him to keep his time with your DS -- that that time is more important than DS seeing his grandmother on a particular date.

Definitely try the preemptive scheduling for next year. Revel in being the Scapegoat -- treat it as a badge of honor.

As a side-note: There are a couple of ways of working an amicable custody arrangement. One is to stick closely to the given schedule, which is what you're doing. My ex and I took the approach that,  barring certain conflicts, we'll trade off when the other asks. Our base agreement is to switch every week, so things are equal to start with. That makes it easy for us to trade a few days or a week or two as needed. Neither approach is more "right" than the other -- I just wanted to point out a different way of looking at things -- I certainly wouldn't suggest any kind of a swap in this circumstance!

She will pile on the guilt. In the past when I've declined to attend because of custody conflicts, I have been told that I am deliberately keeping DS away from his cousins because I won't rearrange the schedule. It's fascinating to me that when my brother declines an invitation because of a custody conflict, his situation is completely understood and the holiday is rescheduled.

Funny, isn't it? In the stereotype, it should be your ex pulling this manipulative garbage and your mom should be the flexible one. Sadly, her "mom" script is defective. Probably lost a couple of pages.

To help steel your spine - it's her whose actions are preventing your DS from having a relationship with her and (supposedly) with his cousins. If those relationships were actually important to her, she would find a way to facilitate them. Because she doesn't, it's clear that they're only important to her when she can use them to punish you. The guilt isn't about your son, it's about her controlling you. He's just a convenient (and powerful) lever.

[Coley]

As someone who has a good relationship with his ex, and wants to keep it that way, I second the advice to:

1) Don't go to your mom's. She and your brother can enjoy their pity-party "Coley's so mean! She won't let us see DS!"
2) Give your ex a supportive heads-up call. He probably gives in to your mom because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy in your DS's life. Tell him that you want him to keep his time with your DS -- that that time is more important than DS seeing his grandmother on a particular date.

Definitely try the preemptive scheduling for next year. Revel in being the Scapegoat -- treat it as a badge of honor.

As a side-note: There are a couple of ways of working an amicable custody arrangement. One is to stick closely to the given schedule, which is what you're doing. My ex and I took the approach that,  barring certain conflicts, we'll trade off when the other asks. Our base agreement is to switch every week, so things are equal to start with. That makes it easy for us to trade a few days or a week or two as needed. Neither approach is more "right" than the other -- I just wanted to point out a different way of looking at things -- I certainly wouldn't suggest any kind of a swap in this circumstance!

She will pile on the guilt. In the past when I've declined to attend because of custody conflicts, I have been told that I am deliberately keeping DS away from his cousins because I won't rearrange the schedule. It's fascinating to me that when my brother declines an invitation because of a custody conflict, his situation is completely understood and the holiday is rescheduled.

Funny, isn't it? In the stereotype, it should be your ex pulling this manipulative garbage and your mom should be the flexible one. Sadly, her "mom" script is defective. Probably lost a couple of pages.

To help steel your spine - it's her whose actions are preventing your DS from having a relationship with her and (supposedly) with his cousins. If those relationships were actually important to her, she would find a way to facilitate them. Because she doesn't, it's clear that they're only important to her when she can use them to punish you. The guilt isn't about your son, it's about her controlling you. He's just a convenient (and powerful) lever.

Art, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

[MindsEye]

OP, would it help any to turn the situation around on your Mother?

"Mom, we told you what days we have DS and are available.  You did not pick any of those days.  If it was really that important to you to see DS and to have DS's cousins spend time with him, then you would have scheduled the holiday visit on a day that you knew we were available.  You will just have to see DS another time.  We will let you know when we are available."

[Coley]

OP, would it help any to turn the situation around on your Mother?

"Mom, we told you what days we have DS and are available.  You did not pick any of those days.  If it was really that important to you to see DS and to have DS's cousins spend time with him, then you would have scheduled the holiday visit on a day that you knew we were available.  You will just have to see DS another time.  We will let you know when we are available."

This is worth a try, thanks!

[Oh Joy]

OP, would it help any to turn the situation around on your Mother?

"Mom, we told you what days we have DS and are available.  You did not pick any of those days.  If it was really that important to you to see DS and to have DS's cousins spend time with him, then you would have scheduled the holiday visit on a day that you knew we were available.  You will just have to see DS another time.  We will let you know when we are available."

Or, alternatively, would your brother be on board for you reaching out to him to plan non-holiday events that your two families can all attend, and giving your mother an optional invitation to join?

[TootsNYC]

Where Ex is concerned, I worry about him sacrificing his time with DS in order to accommodate my family.

Actually, your son would be sacrificing his time with his dad.

[jedikaiti]

To help steel your spine - it's her whose actions are preventing your DS from having a relationship with her and (supposedly) with his cousins. If those relationships were actually important to her, she would find a way to facilitate them. Because she doesn't, it's clear that they're only important to her when she can use them to punish you. The guilt isn't about your son, it's about her controlling you. He's just a convenient (and powerful) lever.

Just posting to re-iterate the above (esp. the bolded). Honestly, since she cares so little about you, your DH, and your son, you may want to consider if you WANT your son to have (what will almost certainly be) a toxic relationship with your toxic mother. Heaven forbid he should ever get the idea that her behavior is in any way normal or to be imitated!

[sparksals]

No advice for the situation, OP.  Just want to say my mom is exactly like yours.  I am the scapegoat, can never do anything right and my living a lie sister is the golden child.  I feel your pain. 

[Coley]

To help steel your spine - it's her whose actions are preventing your DS from having a relationship with her and (supposedly) with his cousins. If those relationships were actually important to her, she would find a way to facilitate them. Because she doesn't, it's clear that they're only important to her when she can use them to punish you. The guilt isn't about your son, it's about her controlling you. He's just a convenient (and powerful) lever.

Just posting to re-iterate the above (esp. the bolded). Honestly, since she cares so little about you, your DH, and your son, you may want to consider if you WANT your son to have (what will almost certainly be) a toxic relationship with your toxic mother. Heaven forbid he should ever get the idea that her behavior is in any way normal or to be imitated!

I hear you. This is why we live 30 minutes apart and rarely see her. We haven't seen her since Christmas. Our visits are very limited, and any time she spends with DS is monitored. DS and I already have had some conversations about Grammy and her behavior. For different reasons, Ex has to have conversations with DS about why his Pa-Paw is the way he is.

(Edited to clarify that it is DS and me who have had conversations about Grammy and her behavior.)

[Coley]

As I mentioned in my OP, when I was first informed that my mother and brother had chosen the 15th as the rescheduled date for Easter, I told my mother that it wouldn't work for us per DS's schedule. I also informed my brother of the same, and that is when we talked about the possibility of an alternate date. In the meantime, my mother then informed me that the two of them had confirmed the 15th. I decided to let it stand there with my mother, as I felt I'd given a sufficient response about the 15th.

I have now received two more e-mails from my mother. The first was last week. She told me that it was up to my brother and me to choose another date. Okay, I already initiated that with him two weeks ago, and it didn't go anywhere. I didn't reply to her e-mail.

The second e-mail came today. Now I hear again that my brother and his kids are coming for the weekend of the 15th. The first part of the e-mail contains an explanation about when my brother and his kids will arrive and depart. The second part is as follows: "It appears likely any time for all to get together would likely have to be Saturday. I don't know how that works for you, but wanted to let you know what I know at this point."

So let me get this straight: I already have said twice to my mother and once to my brother that the weekend of the 15th won't work for us because DS will be with Ex. Despite that, my mother is saying that she doesn't know how the weekend of the 15th will work for us. (It won't!) And really, she's just the messenger because she's only reiterating what my brother has told her.

At this point, I'm going to reply and say once more that we can't come on the weekend of the 15th. Here's my idea for the response:

"Sorry we won't be able to make it this weekend. As I mentioned before, DS has other plans. I hope you have a good visit with (brother) and the kids. Next time, it would be great if ideas for weekend get-togethers could be discussed with both (brother) and me in advance before choosing a date. That way, we can all weigh in and choose a date that works well for everyone."

I'm hoping that it is a logical and unemotional response. And as previously mentioned, I will warn Ex about this weekend.

BTW, our plans for Easter weekend went awry. We found out at the last minute that DH's boys wanted to visit us on Saturday instead of Sunday, so that's when we saw them. We wound up inviting Ex over for Easter dinner yesterday so he could spend time with DS on the holiday. It was a fun weekend.

[etiquetteE]

"Sorry we won't be able to make it this weekend. As I mentioned before, DS has other plans. I hope you have a good visit with (brother) and the kids. Next time, it would be great if ideas for weekend get-togethers could be discussed with both (brother) and me in advance before choosing a date. That way, we can all weigh in and choose a date that works well for everyone."

Sorry you are having to go through this.

I would suggest you change it to something like:

As I mentioned before, we won't be able to make it this weekend.  I hope you have a good visit with (brother) and the kids.
1) Are you really sorry?  Don't put yourself in a position where she can pile on the guilt.
2) She will get the message that if she wants you to be there; she needs to get you involved in the choosing of the date.  Giving her this much explanation just opens up the door for more guilt/arguing.  Lather/rinse/repeat "that date doesn't work for us" and eventually she will start finding ones that do if she wants you to be there.

 to be there.

[sparksals]

"Sorry we won't be able to make it this weekend. As I mentioned before, DS has other plans. I hope you have a good visit with (brother) and the kids. Next time, it would be great if ideas for weekend get-togethers could be discussed with both (brother) and me in advance before choosing a date. That way, we can all weigh in and choose a date that works well for everyone."

Sorry you are having to go through this.

I would suggest you change it to something like:

As I mentioned before, we won't be able to make it this weekend.  I hope you have a good visit with (brother) and the kids.
1) Are you really sorry?  Don't put yourself in a position where she can pile on the guilt.
2) She will get the message that if she wants you to be there; she needs to get you involved in the choosing of the date.  Giving her this much explanation just opens up the door for more guilt/arguing. Lather/rinse/repeat "that date doesn't work for us" and eventually she will start finding ones that do if she wants you to be there.

 to be there.

I disagree with the bolded.  The explanation is needed b/c the OP needs to set firm expectations with her mom.  If she doesn't communicate that she expects to be consulted and included in the plans, the behaviour will not change.  I think the OP's statement is perfect as written. 

[PastryGoddess]

I would change the following


"Sorry we won't be able to make it this weekend. As I mentioned before, DS has other plans. I hope you have a good visit with (brother) and the kids. Next time, it would be great I would prefer if ideas for weekend get-togethers could be discussed with both (brother) and me in advance before choosing a date. That way, we can all weigh in and choose a date that works well for everyone."

I think you should make it clear in your email, that you are expecting her to include you in the decision making process from now on.  You could use stronger language, but I don't know you or your mom and so I felt this was a happy medium.

[Deetee]

As I mentioned before, told you both times we discussed this, we won't be able to make it this weekend.  I hope you have a good visit with (brother) and the kids.

You didn't "mention" it in passing. You told her outright and she is choosing to ignore it.