Little Pushy With My SIL and Easter Dinner

[gingerzing]

Thankfully she was cool with it. 
DH tells me that we are going over to go to church with SIL and her kids.  (Not a big deal, this was a possiblity and it is part of the church we go to and we know the pastor.)  And after church we will do lunch over at SIL's.  And that is all the info I am given.  SIGH.

So I called SIL last night and while I know that she doesn't do weekly menu planning, I figured it would be good if we both knew what was going on for Sunday.  She hadn't really thought about it but thankfully we chatted.  She had a certain set of sides -some I hadn't thought of.  Plus I found out that MIL will be going to her church, but come over for lunch.   So MIL will make at least one side dish, SIL doing the ham and rolls and a dessert.  And I will bring 3 sides and deviled eggs.  Whew. 

Making SIL talk to MIL on what to bring.  MIL tends to either ignore or misunderstand what DH or I have told her.  For some reason SIL can get the point across.  So SIL will let MIL want is needed.

[Bibliophile]

Yeah, I don't see anything pushy or anything - just a story about how you called your SIL to coordinate Easter dinner, which seems very normal & drama free to me.

[Moray]

Is there some back story I'm not aware of? It sounds like you and your SIL had a productive conversation regarding your own contributions to the dinner.

Are you trying to say you need to be pushy with your SIL so she'll coordinate with MIL?

[Jones]

The way I read it:
This is a pleasant, drama-free call, so I can see why people would think it wasn't pushy, but I feel for the OP if she has to be the one making other people think about their hosting plans so everyone doesn't show up on Sunday and have no food, so they order pizza. I'm glad SIL was reasonable and didn't scream offense at this "slight". I feel pushy when I have to call people I normally wouldn't, to talk over and determine issues that they claim to have "not even thought about yet."

Kudos!

[stargazer]

I think OP is the one who was pushy and she was saying thankfully her SIL was okay with it.  And I agree, the phone call did come off as pushy.  Is there a reason you didn't trust your SIL to have dinner ready without you calling?

[Zilla]

Thankfully she was cool with it.  (Did Dh force this issue with making SIL host the dinner?)
DH tells me that we are going over to go to church with SIL and her kids.  (Not a big deal, this was a possiblity and it is part of the church we go to and we know the pastor.)  And after church we will do lunch over at SIL's.  And that is all the info I am given.  SIGH.

So I called SIL last night and while I know that she doesn't do weekly menu planning, (Are you saying that you know she may not know what she is going to make ahead of time but wanted to call anyhow?)  I figured it would be good if we both knew what was going on for Sunday.  She hadn't really thought about it but thankfully we chatted.  She had a certain set of sides -some I hadn't thought of. (did she want you to make this and you didn't want to?) Plus I found out that MIL will be going to her church, but come over for lunch.   So MIL will make at least one side dish, SIL doing the ham and rolls and a dessert.  And I will bring 3 sides and deviled eggs.  Whew.  (did you not want to make so many sides?)

Making SIL talk to MIL on what to bring. (Is this the point of this whole thread about being pushy in making sil deal with her own mother?) MIL tends to either ignore or misunderstand what DH or I have told her.  For some reason SIL can get the point across.  So SIL will let MIL want is needed.

I am not sure what this post is asking?  Can you clarify? And did sil not want to host or she wanted sides that you didn't think of and did not want to bring but are bringing anyhow?Sorry, very confused.

[gingerzing]

Sorry.  I was just pleased that the call went without too much issue.  And that SIL will be communicating with MIL probably earlier than Saturday for the meal. 

The pushy part is that I called on Tuesday because this side of the family is sometimes very "fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" and will occasionally pull the "Well, you should have known to bring..." or call the night before with a list of what should be brought. 
It isn't that I think SIL is a bad hostess.  And this is one of those things that would normally be a potluck anyway.  But the last potluck that we had with the family, SIL talked to DH and then about 2 days before the event MIL called DH about something and then went on and on about me bringing something that I don't cooked normally and was not what I had been planning on bringing.  Calls made the day before found that all but MIL were on the same page, still not sure what MIL heard SIL and DH tell her. 

Zilla - Sorry I wasn't overly clear.  I mostly was pleased that SIL had a good talk and got stuff worked out without any fuss.
..and yes, good questions.  Here is my basic answers for you.
No DH didn't force SIL into hosting.  She offered since we were going to the church in her town.   I was just glad that she was cool with my call.
I know SIL's standard weekday meals are not usually planned out and that me calling on Tuesday for a Sunday meal was probably a little over-anxious on my part or seemed to be.
She knew the basics of what she was planning on Easter dinner looking like. (Ham, sweet potatoes, some kind of regular potatos, veggie, salad, rolls and dessert.)  I mostly wanted to know if I needed to get the ham or if she just wanted me to bring some sides. 
I don't care about how many sides (I am bringing 3 I think, but I really like to cook so it's cool) but I am not good at making sweet potatoes and MIL makes a sweet potato dish that the IL family really like.  So I was glad SIL was going to suggest MIL bring that. 

The push for SIL to talk to her mom probably was pushy in some aspects but MIL listens the most to this SIL than any of the other kids.  I probably just put the call on SIL's radar sooner than she had planned.  MIL is mostly fine in small dosages, but when DH or I call to talk to her, she is easily distracted.  So when we tell her things she hears only half of it and draws her own conclusions or just ignores us completely. 

[Zilla]

That makes sense now! 


Glad it worked out for you!

[NotTheNarcissist]

I would like to approach this from the SIL's angle because I am an average hostess, with a full lifestyle which results in a usually unplanned dinner schedule plus I married into a family of cooks who owned restaurants. So I usually feel inadequate around them at holidays & family dinners & so forth.

In addition my SIL is very controlling. I have written about her extensively on this site so will avoid the temptation to list the extensive boundary trampling she has done to me, and others.

I say from the bottom of my heart that it sounds like you handled the situation w/grace & tact. I wish so much my SIL could respond that way. I understand the concern for menu planning, and time management as well as expectation management. I think it was wise of you to call her. As you will no doubt have similar situations in the future, i want to say this from the less-than-perfect-hostess perspective. The factor that will determine whether the conversation & event stay positive or negative is this: the level of respect in one's voice.

Because you approached the situation with a positive tone & with respect for her place as the hostess who is opening up her home (& spending a fair sum of money to entertain, I am presuming), you two were able to build each other up so to speak.

It is when the person who is coming to visit begins to take over the menu & assume headship of the kitchen that my patience grows thin & all respect for that person is lost. This is what my SIL has done.

I freely admit my faults as a hostess but the judging must stop somewhere. With all the varied stress & obligations & so forth that i have on my plate, i am doing the best i can with what I have.  Although i hesitate to put words in her mouth, I can't help but wonder if at various times your SIL feels the same way.

[gingerzing]

Thanks. NTN for the perpective from the other side of the planning. 
You are correct, I would HATE for my SIL to think that I need to take over.  I like my SIL and I think we for the most part get along pretty good. So the call was so we could be on the same page for the planning.  And yes, she has a very full plate of stress etc, which was the reason for my call.  I wanted to make it helpful so by the end of the call all she needed to worry about was getting the ham and a pie. 

A follow up for dinner...  We had a great time. 

Ham was delish (she sent us and MIL home with leftovers) and everyone got their fill.  Funniest part was when we were getting the kids in just before serving that SIL realized that we didn't have rolls to serve and she had forgotten to make the stuffing.   The stuffing was on the counter next to the stove and all of us just looked over it.    We decided that it wasn't a big deal and she had bread to put out if someone needed bread and butter to round out the meal. Added bonus while the ham was cooking DH and I took the youngest niece (13) to go get her belated birthday gift - a fishing pole (her request).