Author Topic: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation  (Read 4385 times)

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SPuck

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My friend has been sparking chemistry with a male co worker at work. He gave her his number, she refused (because she wanted him to ask her for her number), he ignored her at work, and now she is upset.

Given that I have a) never dated before and b) very influenced by the male point of view because of three brothers, what is the best way to respond. I know she is upset, but my practical side is saying its your own fault. Its the 21st century, and there is nothing wrong with him putting the ball in your court by him offering his number to you.

Quick, I need two shots of estrogen and a girlfriend's response! We are meeting tonight.

Oh Joy

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2012, 03:28:22 PM »
Perhaps he offered his number because:
A) He wanted to wait to ask her out when they weren't at work (I had someone from an affiliated company specifically come in on his day off so he could ask me out when he wasn't working, and I appreciated the gesture), and
B) He didn't want to make her uncomfortable by prying for her personal information (I've had gentlemen offer their contact information with this explanation).

Also, I dare say that this is the downside of mixing your romantic life with your work life.

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Edited to correct spelling.

NyaChan

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2012, 03:29:33 PM »
There is a trend of thinking that says that if a guy is truly interested, he will get your number and call you - that giving his number to a girl on the expectation that she will call him is a lesser way of showing interest.  The problem in this situation is that your friend refused to take his number altogether (without offering her own?) which tells him only that she isn't interested.  What she should have done was to say "Oh why don't I just give you mine and you can call me." 

I would also point out that it has become more common for people to give their number to a person with the expectation that the person will call them right then and there so that the person's number is recorded in their call log.  As in, here's my number, call me...ok got it!

Moray

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2012, 03:29:51 PM »
My friend has been sparking chemistry with a male co worker at work. He gave her his number, she refused (because she wanted him to ask her for her number), he ignored her at work, and now she is upset.

Given that I have a) never dated before and b) very influenced by the male point of view because of three brothers, what is the best way to respond. I know she is upset, but my practical side is saying its your own fault. Its the 21st century, and there is nothing wrong with him putting the ball in your court by him offering his number to you.

Quick, I need two shots of estrogen and a girlfriend's response! We are meeting tonight.

You are 100% spot on.

By outright refusing his number, she rejected him in a big way. Not only did she let him know "I'm not going to call you", but she also implied that she was so uninterested that she would never have need for his number in the future. He's not a mind reader, so he's probably pretty hurt to be dismissed in this fashion by someone he thought was interested in him. For what it's worth, he probably *wanted* her number, but figured giving her his was less intrusive.
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Twik

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2012, 03:30:44 PM »
Yep, her own fault.
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Tilt Fairy

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2012, 03:41:03 PM »
Her own fault. By refusing his number, he's clearly feeling rejected. He doesn't know that the reason she refused is because she wanted him to do the asking! She never told him that. Any reasonable person would see it as a rejection. Whilst a man giving his phone number instead of asking for a girl's is not usually the norm, it's hardly rude or a faux pas or something that shouldn't be considered.

If she wanted him to ask, When he offered her his number he should have smiled coyly then and said something flirty to show she was still interested like "ahhh well you can't be wanting to go out with me that much, you don't even want to work for it! How bout I give you my phone number instead?!" Like a guy who's interested isn't going to take her number if she doesn't want to take his. I mean, come on.

Carotte

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2012, 03:45:38 PM »
I think if she wants to salvage it there's only the "apology- here's my number" routine -

- she can either tell the truth and explain that she would have wanted him to ask her number, but that will probably sound old fashioned, a bit snowflaky and he might think that she will be the kind of girl who expect him to always hold doors, push her chair under him, stand up from the table when she does too and etc..
- or maybe a bit of a white lie, that she was caught off guard, that she thought that since it was during work hour it wasn't professional or correct and etc..

MacadamiaNut

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2012, 03:54:18 PM »
I think if she wants to salvage it there's only the "apology- here's my number" routine -

- she can either tell the truth and explain that she would have wanted him to ask her number, but that will probably sound old fashioned, a bit snowflaky and he might think that she will be the kind of girl who expect him to always hold doors, push her chair under him, stand up from the table when she does too and etc..
- or maybe a bit of a white lie, that she was caught off guard, that she thought that since it was during work hour it wasn't professional or correct and etc..

I agree with this and that she should do some version of the bolded.  She messed up big time and it's up to her to fix it.
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SPuck

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2012, 04:21:50 PM »
Hm... all excellent ideas. I will get more details tonight, and come back with an update later.

jedikaiti

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2012, 04:27:43 PM »
I concur with all the above, and hope for her sake that she's able to a) see other perspectives, and b) salvage the situation.
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Twirly

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2012, 04:54:40 PM »
I think this is becoming more common, most of my girl friends prefer when the guy offers his number rather than asks for theirs because it puts them in control of the situation. Kind of like how years ago it was proper for a man to let a woman enter/exit an elevator first but now many women find it uncomfortable.

If she just refused and didn't give any indication of liking the guy I can understand why he's gone cold but unfortunately can't think of a way she can get past it.

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Ms_Cellany

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2012, 04:59:01 PM »
Kind of like how years ago it was proper for a man to let a woman enter/exit an elevator first but now many women find it uncomfortable.

Actually, the original etiquette was for the man to get on first and exit last. The reasoning is that if the cable snaps, he'll be the one to die.

It's parallel reasoning to why the man walks to the outside of a sidewalk - so he'll be hit by the splashed water/runaway horse/drunk driver.

And I agree - friend-with-the-phone-number was at fault.
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jedikaiti

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #12 on: April 05, 2012, 05:12:35 PM »
Kind of like how years ago it was proper for a man to let a woman enter/exit an elevator first but now many women find it uncomfortable.

Actually, the original etiquette was for the man to get on first and exit last. The reasoning is that if the cable snaps, he'll be the one to die.

It's parallel reasoning to why the man walks to the outside of a sidewalk - so he'll be hit by the splashed water/runaway horse/drunk driver.

And I agree - friend-with-the-phone-number was at fault.

Gotta love morbid etiquette!
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Twirly

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #13 on: April 05, 2012, 05:21:37 PM »
Kind of like how years ago it was proper for a man to let a woman enter/exit an elevator first but now many women find it uncomfortable.

Actually, the original etiquette was for the man to get on first and exit last. The reasoning is that if the cable snaps, he'll be the one to die.

It's parallel reasoning to why the man walks to the outside of a sidewalk - so he'll be hit by the splashed water/runaway horse/drunk driver.

And I agree - friend-with-the-phone-number was at fault.

That's so crazy! I'm not really an etiquette maven so I was making an assumption about the actual circumstance (though I knew the one about walking on the outer edge of the sidewalk).  I just know every.single.day at my work the men try to be nice and let the women enter and/or exit first. It's fine when it's natural but it usually just makes things awkward and I wish they wouldn't.

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evely28

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Re: Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation
« Reply #14 on: April 05, 2012, 07:42:08 PM »
Has your friend read the book 'He's just not that into you'? I disagree with the author but at any rate if she wanted him to call her why didn't she say that when he offered his number?  Maybe you can tell her that she should work on her non-psychic communication skills. If she is treating this guy poorly at work because she's mad, all she's doing is showing the guy that he dodged a bullet.