Responding to a friend's da[color=black]ting[/color] situation

[SPuck]

So I received an update from my friend. She adamantly believes that a man should ask a girl for her number, to prove that he is really interested. She explained to me that she even flirtingly mentioned that a boy should ask a girl for his number. She explained to me that she like the attention, craves it a bit, and is now depressed that she is not getting it any longer.

Eh... I din't know. I offered her a variation of Carotte's explanation, and she responded that she isn't interested in the guy. Just the attention. So in the end I dropped it because it was just the easiest way out.

[Allyson]

If she brings it up again, maybe tell her that it seems her style doesn't mesh with the guy's--she has a more traditional view of who should do the calling, and he doesn't. Nobody did anything wrong, but better to find out now, right? And, I have rather less sympathy for her as it seems she mostly liked the attention rather than him as a person.

Sounds like she might be taking dating advice from those 'play hard to get' advice books, which...well, that sort of thing works for some people, but not everyone.

[BarensMom]

So I received an update from my friend. She adamantly believes that a man should ask a girl for her number, to prove that he is really interested. She explained to me that she even flirtingly mentioned that a boy should ask a girl for his number. She explained to me that she like the attention, craves it a bit, and is now depressed that she is not getting it any longer.

Eh... I din't know. I offered her a variation of Carotte's explanation, and she responded that she isn't interested in the guy. Just the attention. So in the end I dropped it because it was just the easiest way out.

I'm not liking your friend right now. 

[SoCalVal]

So I received an update from my friend. She adamantly believes that a man should ask a girl for her number, to prove that he is really interested. She explained to me that she even flirtingly mentioned that a boy should ask a girl for his number. She explained to me that she like the attention, craves it a bit, and is now depressed that she is not getting it any longer.

Eh... I din't know. I offered her a variation of Carotte's explanation, and she responded that she isn't interested in the guy. Just the attention. So in the end I dropped it because it was just the easiest way out.

I'm not liking your friend right now.

Same here.  It sucks to be on the end the guy is here.  Too bad SHE is depressed. <insert sarcasm here>

[blarg314]

So she doesn't like the guy particularly, but wants him to flirt with her and shower attention on her so she feel desirable. Ewww.  I'd say he dodged a bullet there.

There's nothing wrong with deciding that you want a traditional guy pursues woman approach.  But it's pretty silly to sulk when you're flirting with a guy and he doesn't follow your exact idea of how to do things.

And she rejected his number. That doesn't mean "I like you a lot, but I believe that a man should ask a woman for her number and pursue her, so you've got to try again and get it right before I'll say yes."  It means "No, I don't want to go out with you." 

So yeah, the flirting is going to stop and he's going to back off, unless he's either got masochistic tendencies and wants suffer, or thinks that when a woman says no she really means try harder.

[nonesuch4]

This is a smart, smart man.

You described a situation at a workplace.  After flirting, he gave her his number, so she could contact him, and from his end, he has been shot down.  To continue to pursue her after being told "no" would be the fast track to a workplace harassment suit. 

He clearly understands the "No means no" concept.  If your friend likes attention, but not this man, he has dodged a bullet, big time.  She sounds manipulative, and there is no telling what she'd do if she became annoyed with his attention.

I am not liking your friend a lot, right now.

[SPuck]

In defense of my friend we are both young (before 25), she generally doesn't define herself by a man, she is a nice person, has never been manipulative to me, and normally has a steady head on her shoulders, and considering her description of him (stoner tendency and only doing the bare minimum at work) they probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Its her dating life, whatever she wants to do is fine. The only thing that stood out to me during out discussion is that she was mentioning psychological studies. She has a psychology degree.

Any suggestions for informing her that freuding up dating situations might not be the best path for dating?

[ilrag]

I'd just tell your friend it's pretty low to flirt with some one because you like attention.  How would she like it if the situation was reversed?

[NyaChan]

I think we are being a little hard on this woman - not everyone dates or flirts to get into a relationship.  Flirty interaction or casual dating in itself can be fun as long as you don't lead the other person on by implying there is something deeper there. 

I read this situation as - she likes flirting with a coworker for the attention & the rush.  He gives her his number and she refuses for whatever reason and is a little miffed that despite the flirting he wouldn't ask for her number.  The flirty interaction is now gone and she misses it, but realizes that she doesn't have an interest strong enough to merit trying to repair the situation. 

Or it could be that she is too proud to admit that she is interested and would rather just drop it than try to fix it and get rejected.

[miranova]

Nothing wrong with wanting a man to ask for your number if he is interested.  That's a valid preference.  Nothing wrong with rejecting his phone number either for that reason.  Only weird thing is being surprised when he stops flirting.

[Allyson]

I find the whole 'make someone chase you' to be problematic for a few reasons. For one, it encourages guys not to take no for an answer. This is not a good thing. Not that I'm excusing guys who keep pursuing after rejection, either--in fact, if all guys (and women too!) heard 'no' and listened, people would have no choice but to stop playing these games.

[nonesuch4]

I'm a little surprised at the responses here - it has been eye-opening.

I actually thought that a man giving someone his number was the way things were done, now.  The woman's privacy and safety were better served by her having access to his number rather than the other way 'round.

Every man I've  with contacted  via  Craig's List or dating website with has offered me his number first.  (Except for the one who gave me his ex-wife's phone number  by mistake.  That was a humorous phone call)

[miranova]

I find the whole 'make someone chase you' to be problematic for a few reasons. For one, it encourages guys not to take no for an answer. This is not a good thing. Not that I'm excusing guys who keep pursuing after rejection, either--in fact, if all guys (and women too!) heard 'no' and listened, people would have no choice but to stop playing these games.

Wanting a man to ask for your phone number/ask for the date is "making him chase you"?  I really don't see that, but maybe I'm missing something.  It's just a preference.  Some women still do want a man to "pursue" them, but for me that only meant him doing the asking, not him having to ask 10 times.  Once was enough.

[Allyson]

It was more a general comment on that attitude, and further extrapolation on some of the discussion in this thread. Wanting the man to be the one to ask for your number, saying no, then getting upset when he takes that as rejection and doesn't keep pursuing does seem to me to be an example of that mindset.

[blarg314]

I think we are being a little hard on this woman - not everyone dates or flirts to get into a relationship.  Flirty interaction or casual dating in itself can be fun as long as you don't lead the other person on by implying there is something deeper there. 

I agree that flirting can be a fun activity.

But, workplace flirting has to be handled extremely carefully. For men, because it can lead to accusations of harassment, even when they thought the woman was enjoying it and participating voluntarily, and women because it can give them a bad reputation. (Yes, it's a double-double standard, but that's the way it tends to be).

So if you're flirting with someone at work, you make a move, and they say no, you assume that they really mean no, and back off any hint of flirtation. Pushing it further is just a bad idea, professionally.

As far as the psychological angle goes, sure, you can decide that men should ask women out, and if he doesn't ask you out firmly and proactively, he's not that in to you. But deciding that has absolutely no affect on how the people you meet behave, just on how you react.

For the OP, how about agreeing with your friend?  "Yeah, if he were really interested in you, he'd have asked you for your number, so I guess he's no more interested in you than you are in him. Better to find that out quickly, right?" Her reaction to that will tell you a lot about whether she really believes what she's saying, or if it's just hurt ego (ie, it's okay for her to reject him, but not vice versa).