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Author Topic: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.  (Read 18156 times)

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shhh its me

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2012, 08:28:56 PM »
We have a tiny house.   At Christmas we have a tiny tree, and have to walk sideways. There is no guest room, our couch is tiny and there is no room for a blow up mattress.  Although we have a basement, it has a bunch of stuff in it and isn't someplace I would have anyone sleep.  I mean, there might be room for a single blow up mattress in the kitchen, but only if they crawl into the mattress from the bottom or top.

Recently we have had a number of people invite themselves for a one or two week visit who then get upset because they cannot sleep here.  We have offered to put a couple of them up in hotels for the duration, but they have chosen not to visit rather than go to a hotel. 

If we had a years notice, maybe we could put an addition on the house, but the phone calls have been; "Hey, I'm going to be in your area 2 days from now for a week, how's about I come stay with you and we can catch up?"

What's the most polite way to say; "There is no room, let me put you up at an inn?"


edited because 'let' has an 'l'.
First of all, unless you are willing to do so,  I wouldn't say the bold, because it sounds like you are offering to pay for their stay at the Inn.
I would just say, "Our home is very small and we cannot accommodate overnight guests.  Such and Such website is a good one for researching reservations." (taking you and phone tag out of the equation).

I think OP did mean it that way? IF not OP don't say it that way go with " I can suggest an inn"

Your answers are all good mine was to........... throw 500 marbles and legos on the floor top with a blanket and let them stay.

magician5

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2012, 10:29:31 PM »
It often helps to "soften the blow" while still holding your ground is to add "I WISH we could, but we just don't have room."

Gee, I'm devastated that you can't park your sorry self here for 2 weeks, and if I'm lucky I get a dinner at IHOP for my trouble, but we just can't fit you in.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

zyrs

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #17 on: April 05, 2012, 10:51:08 PM »
It often helps to "soften the blow" while still holding your ground is to add "I WISH we could, but we just don't have room."

Gee, I'm devastated that you can't park your sorry self here for 2 weeks, and if I'm lucky I get a dinner at IHOP for my trouble, but we just can't fit you in.

This made me laugh.  There is one person who makes me kind of feel like this - once again someone I have never met in person.  The first time he talked about coming was at 8 pm on a Wednesday and he would fly in at 9 pm Thursday , we would pick him up at the airport then drive him four to five hours where he was actually going, then drive ourselves home.  Nixed that idea right away and he got a bit offended.  Oh well.

siamesecat2965

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #18 on: April 06, 2012, 09:06:26 AM »
I'd simply politely tell them that you have no room, and maybe have a list of local hotels they can try.  I know with me, I'd never assume I can stay with someone unless asked to visit them specifically.  But I'm also more comfortable on my own, in a hotel, then staying at someone's home.  But that's just me.

The only people I can call and ask to stay with are two cousins, but they do the same with me, and its fine.  They KNOW i only have a 1BR apt and their choice is either the blow up mattress or my couch, but they are ok with that. 

I know I'm trying to plan a trip to the opposite coast to see my dad's side of the family, but I'd never assume I could stay with them; if they offer, I may or may not accept, but hotels will be in the budget for that trip.

 

NotTheNarcissist

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #19 on: April 06, 2012, 10:12:59 PM »
Your wannabe guests are being presumptuous and rude. It's bad manners to invite oneself anywhere, much less to stay overnight in someone's home. Just tell them the truth - you don't have space for overnight guests.

That they cancel the entire trip when denied free lodgings is telling. Do you live in or near a major tourist city or attraction? Are the visits coinciding with concerts, festivals, or sporting events? It may be a blessing in disguise that you don't have room to spare.

POD.

I want to add that I married into a family where if visiting an area that has family, it is assumed that it's ok to crash at local family's home.

I did not grow up w/ that line of thinking & it has caused friction in my marriage at times. His definition of a boundary & mine clash on that subject.

strawbabies

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #20 on: April 06, 2012, 10:16:04 PM »
I guess since these people are not from your area that they have never visited you at this house before?  Maybe they don't believe you on how tiny it is?

LeveeWoman

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #21 on: April 06, 2012, 10:19:41 PM »
I guess since these people are not from your area that they have never visited you at this house before?  Maybe they don't believe you on how tiny it is?

So what if they believe her or not? That is no excuse to abuse zyrs.


Allyson

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #22 on: April 07, 2012, 12:00:59 AM »
I know that for some people it's the norm to assume staying with friends and family. But to actually get upset or offended when somebody would rather not do this, on the guest or host end, seems really inappropriate. Unless there's an offer that was rescinded or something...not everyone is comfortable being a houseguest, or having houseguests, and if it would make for a not very fun experience, isn't it better to avoid that?

There's one person in particular I know who likes to invite himself to people's houses to stay. He's tried it on me, but I'm pretty good at saying no. One time he seemed to have his plans in order, then when out to dinner with his friends, asked them if he could stay with them--no notice or anything. He guilted them into letting him, then hung around the apartment all weekend wanting to be entertained. It really bothers me, especially when he tries to stay with couples who live in one bedroom apartment, for an entire weekend. It's intrusive and disruptive to have someone stay, and while sometimes the fun of being with a friend can be worth it--when the friend doesn't seem to realise that it is intrusive, it's frustrating.

katycoo

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2012, 02:09:22 AM »
Oh wow.

Look, I don't have an issue with people scoping for a place to stay.  But the rudeness is getting stroppy if that request can't be accomodated for ANY reason - whether space or simple preference.  I'm AMAZED you've offered to pay for their hotel instead!

You're clearly too generous and have too many rude friends!

VorFemme

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2012, 08:48:18 AM »
A puzzled look or a puzzled tone of voice is needed - "we have no guest room, so unless you're planning to sleep in the bathtub (hanging from the shower curtain rod like an astronaut, the kitchen floor, or UNDER the kitchen table) there really isn't anywhere to put even a blow up pool float/sleeping bag for you" - if they tell you that they don't want to be any trouble and will sleep ANYWHERE - tell them that the bathtub, under the kitchen table, or hanging from the shower curtain rod like an astronaut are the only possibilities IN YOUR PLACE - although other family members have stayed at Inn Around The Corner nearby...................do they want the phone number?

Because some people really seem to think that the HUGE apartments/sets that are used to film movies and tv shows are what all REAL apartments must look like, even if you've mentioned that you live in a place that just missed qualifying for the title "world's smallest apartment" because some guy is living in a converted hallway in NYC..................and 75 square feet (or whatever it was) is smaller than your place. 
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

Lynn2000

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #25 on: April 09, 2012, 08:39:13 PM »
Somewhat of a threadjack, I guess, but... what if someone DOES have a large house/apartment, but just doesn't like to have visitors stay with them? It's still rude for people to attempt to invite themselves and get upset when denied, of course, but if you can't truthfully say, "Sure, if you want to sleep in the bathtub," what do you say?

I also know people whose default is to stay at the home of someone they know, and/or to have people stay with them rather than in a hotel. But, 95% of the time they make sure everyone knows what's happening in advance and is cool with it. It's definitely rude to make an assumption that you're staying in someone's home, especially when they haven't even been told about your trip!
~Lynn2000

zyrs

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #26 on: April 10, 2012, 03:03:29 AM »
There have only been a couple people that we offered to pay for their lodging, but those were people we would really like to see or meet.  We wouldn't have problems paying for their stay.  Some other people that have mentioned visiting would definitely be given numbers for hotels.  However I doubt they will visit.


Reason

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #27 on: April 10, 2012, 10:11:28 AM »
It may also depend on the age of the visitors and their cultural background. For example, growing up in Soviet Russia I lived with 4 other families, each with 2-3 kids, in a 2 bedroom apartment that was the size of large cubicle, and it was considered to be of decent size. If I came here straight off the boat, so to speak, then if someone were to tell me that they don't have room for me to stay if I wanted to visit, I would assume they just don't want me to visit.

It's the same with college kids in the US who crash at other people's pads all the time and do essentially sleep on the floor or in the bathtub without too much discomfort. They also feel comfortable eating 2 week old pizza so it's hardly a social standard, but something to keep in mind. So if the people offering to visit are young they may feel unwelcome if redirected to a hotel.

If I may tweak the phrasing a little - "You are always welcome here, but we don't have a lot of room. So please feel free to drop by, but just be aware that you may be sleeping on the floor/in the corner/ on top of the washing machine etc. Hope to see you soon!." Come to think of it, most people will rent a hotel themselves at this point. That is provided that you actually do want them to visit in the first place...

Cami

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #28 on: April 10, 2012, 02:45:35 PM »
Quote

I want to add that I married into a family where if visiting an area that has family, it is assumed that it's ok to crash at local family's home.

I did not grow up w/ that line of thinking & it has caused friction in my marriage at times. His definition of a boundary & mine clash on that subject.

Dh's family and I clash on that subject. Dh and I agree. Initially and for many years, I put up with staying with his family. I put up with being given a "bed" that was a loveseat or a chair. I put up with staying in a home with an antiquated water heater than necessitated 90 second showers. I put up with staying in a home with elderly people who stayed up til 3am and who refused to use their hearing aids at home and blasted the tv at airport decibel levels meaning that even with earplugs I could still hear the tv. And then, after one long July 4th holiday, I put my foot down. I was staying at my ILs and their new beds were hard as rocks. I kept awakening because my leg, arm, etc. had fallen asleep. I never slept more than 20 minutes at a time and after 3 nights of this, I was so exhausted, I ended up falling asleep while watching the July 4th parade.

That was it. After 20 years of playing nice, I was done. The next visit, my dh told them we would be staying in a hotel.  And you would have thought I announced I was actually Satan's handmaiden for the explosion of anger I received in return. The result is that I have not gone back to visit at all.

Somewhat of a threadjack, I guess, but... what if someone DOES have a large house/apartment, but just doesn't like to have visitors stay with them? It's still rude for people to attempt to invite themselves and get upset when denied, of course, but if you can't truthfully say, "Sure, if you want to sleep in the bathtub," what do you say?

I also know people whose default is to stay at the home of someone they know, and/or to have people stay with them rather than in a hotel. But, 95% of the time they make sure everyone knows what's happening in advance and is cool with it. It's definitely rude to make an assumption that you're staying in someone's home, especially when they haven't even been told about your trip!
One's home is not a free hotel for friends and relatives. No one is owed free housing, so therefore it is not rude to refuse to put people up.

weeblewobble

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #29 on: April 11, 2012, 07:21:34 AM »

That was it. After 20 years of playing nice, I was done. The next visit, my dh told them we would be staying in a hotel.  And you would have thought I announced I was actually Satan's handmaiden for the explosion of anger I received in return. The result is that I have not gone back to visit at all.


So.... problem solved then.

:)

Just kidding.  I am very sorry that your inlaws responded this way.