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Author Topic: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.  (Read 17075 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #30 on: April 11, 2012, 08:25:50 AM »
Somewhat of a threadjack, I guess, but... what if someone DOES have a large house/apartment, but just doesn't like to have visitors stay with them? It's still rude for people to attempt to invite themselves and get upset when denied, of course, but if you can't truthfully say, "Sure, if you want to sleep in the bathtub," what do you say?

"Sorry, it won't be possible." Maybe your dogs have the extra rooms, or you run your home business out of them, or you don't want people going through your library. You are not obliged to run a free hotel- free, that is, for people staying with you.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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NotTheNarcissist

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #31 on: April 11, 2012, 11:30:07 AM »
That was it. After 20 years of playing nice, I was done. The next visit, my dh told them we would be staying in a hotel.  And you would have thought I announced I was actually Satan's handmaiden for the explosion of anger I received in return. The result is that I have not gone back to visit at all.

I am so sorry to hear of this saga! I can hear my IL's now "Does NTN think she's too good to stay with us or what? What is her problem? Complete w/ rolling eyes & huffing & raised voice. Therefore you have my complete total & utter empathy on visits w/ your in-laws.

This thread reminds me of the time DH & I stayed @ his aunt & uncle's home which is actually large & nice. Their toilet cannot handle toilet paper so there is a sign across from the toilet that instructs the person relieving themselves to place the used toilet paper in the trash can ....which is conveniently located on the side in plain view.

Maybe it's just me but that is awkward. Every visit to the bathroom, I stared at the trash can thinking "ewwwww" the whole time (& wondering why they don't just hire a plumber as they have the means to do so.)

Snowy Owl

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #32 on: April 11, 2012, 06:44:03 PM »
NTN - threadjack but using a bin for the toilet paper is quite common in some places, especially Greek Islands and some parts of Cyprus.  The plumbing can't take the paper so there's a small bin.  That said in these places it's a separate bin from the usual rubbish bin and it's just for paper.

It's a little weird to begin with but it's surprising how fast one adapts to it. 
And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.

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NotTheNarcissist

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #33 on: April 11, 2012, 06:47:42 PM »
NTN - threadjack but using a bin for the toilet paper is quite common in some places, especially Greek Islands and some parts of Cyprus.  The plumbing can't take the paper so there's a small bin.  That said in these places it's a separate bin from the usual rubbish bin and it's just for paper.I

It's a little weird to begin with but it's surprising how fast one adapts to it. 

Thank you Snowy. Thats good to know. I wouldn't call their town anything close to the Greek Isles, but that info helps to 'accept' the situation.

BarensMom

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #34 on: April 11, 2012, 08:22:19 PM »
NTN - threadjack but using a bin for the toilet paper is quite common in some places, especially Greek Islands and some parts of Cyprus.  The plumbing can't take the paper so there's a small bin.  That said in these places it's a separate bin from the usual rubbish bin and it's just for paper.I

It's a little weird to begin with but it's surprising how fast one adapts to it. 

Thank you Snowy. Thats good to know. I wouldn't call their town anything close to the Greek Isles, but that info helps to 'accept' the situation.

My father's family from Illinois used to put used toilet paper in the trash can.  My sister and I took to putting a square or two in the toilet after we used it so they would get the message.  Don't remember if it worked, though.

johelenc1

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #35 on: April 11, 2012, 09:59:40 PM »
I'm a little confused.  If I understood the original post, you are offering to pay for the hotel rooms and people are STILL complaining and refuse to come?  What's wrong with these people?  We always stay with relatives, but if someone was going to pay for me to stay in a hotel, I'd certainly take them up on it!

I think these people have done you a favor by refusing to come.  I wouldn't worry about it one little bit. 

MacadamiaNut

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #36 on: April 11, 2012, 10:44:56 PM »
I'm a little confused.  If I understood the original post, you are offering to pay for the hotel rooms and people are STILL complaining and refuse to come?  What's wrong with these people?  We always stay with relatives, but if someone was going to pay for me to stay in a hotel, I'd certainly take them up on it!

I think these people have done you a favor by refusing to come.  I wouldn't worry about it one little bit.

I *think* that they only refuse to visit in the circumstances where OP doesn't offer to pay for hotels.  I believe OP clarified this in a further post but I'm just going from memory at this point... I didn't go to check all the posts to make sure so I could be remembering wrong.
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

magician5

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #37 on: April 11, 2012, 11:24:00 PM »
I've seen a few responses here that prompt me to say:

[in an outraged huff] "That's the way we always do it where we come from."

"Well, you aren't where you come from ... that's why we came here from there, and this is the way we do it here."
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

zyrs

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #38 on: April 12, 2012, 12:29:12 AM »
I'm a little confused.  If I understood the original post, you are offering to pay for the hotel rooms and people are STILL complaining and refuse to come?  What's wrong with these people?  We always stay with relatives, but if someone was going to pay for me to stay in a hotel, I'd certainly take them up on it!

I think these people have done you a favor by refusing to come.  I wouldn't worry about it one little bit.

So far we have had five people that wanted to visit.  Two of them we offered to pay for their hotel stay, three we didn't.  All five ended up deciding not to visit..




veryfluffy

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #39 on: April 12, 2012, 03:11:18 AM »
[in an outraged huff] "That's the way we always do it where we come from."

"Well, you aren't where you come from ... that's why we came here from there, and this is the way we do it here."

I love that.
   

Reason

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #40 on: April 19, 2012, 09:38:41 AM »
I've seen a few responses here that prompt me to say:

[in an outraged huff] "That's the way we always do it where we come from."

"Well, you aren't where you come from ... that's why we came here from there, and this is the way we do it here."

I find this statement needlessly arrogant and pointless. People having lived their life a certain way do bring with them many traditions and cultural conventions when they move for whatever reason. Decades of life are not going to be tossed away just to "fit in". As gracious hosts, it is one's duty to be welcoming and accepting of other cultures and as fellow citizens, even more so. If alien X visits from Purple country and wants to sleep in the bathtub, because that's how things are done there, the polite thing to do, in my opinion, is to get him a blanket.

Not to even mention the fact that even within a single country there are a multitude of viewpoints on a single issue.

Perfect Circle

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #41 on: April 19, 2012, 09:43:29 AM »
However, there is also the saying of When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

No, you do not get to come to my home and impose your customs and traditions on me. I am respectful of you and your traditions, but they do not change how I do thingsin my own home.
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Lynn2000

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #42 on: April 19, 2012, 10:05:58 AM »
Reason and Perfect Circle both make interesting points, and it can be quite a delicate balance trying to show that someone respects someone else's culture and traditions while also not being a total doormat. Personally I don't like staying at people's houses, or having people stay at mine. If someone else felt differently and claimed cultural tradition, I would take that into account, but it wouldn't mean their desires automatically trumped mine; there would be a lot of other factors that played into my decision.

For example, if someone lived in a large house in the middle of nowhere, logistically it would make more sense for me to stay at their house if my purpose was to visit them; but if they have a tiny apartment just minutes away from several affordable hotels, I'm going to opt for staying in the hotel over sleeping on their kitchen floor. Sleeping in a comfortable, private place is very important to me, so if my decision in the latter case offends my hosts--who "always" have people stay in their tiny apartment--maybe the whole visit should be rethought.

To take an opposite example: I'm an omnivore but I don't crave meat the way some people I know do. If I were visiting a region/people who were vegetarian, it would be no big deal for me to go along with that cultural tradition for a few days. But someone else who really loves their meat might rather sleep on the kitchen floor to please their hosts, and then go off for a hamburger on their own. It can be really hard to figure out where the give and take should be; everyone has to decide what their own priorities and limits are.
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still in va

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #43 on: April 19, 2012, 10:17:33 AM »
I've seen a few responses here that prompt me to say:

[in an outraged huff] "That's the way we always do it where we come from."

"Well, you aren't where you come from ... that's why we came here from there, and this is the way we do it here."

I find this statement needlessly arrogant and pointless. People having lived their life a certain way do bring with them many traditions and cultural conventions when they move for whatever reason. Decades of life are not going to be tossed away just to "fit in". As gracious hosts, it is one's duty to be welcoming and accepting of other cultures and as fellow citizens, even more so. If alien X visits from Purple country and wants to sleep in the bathtub, because that's how things are done there, the polite thing to do, in my opinion, is to get him a blanket.

Not to even mention the fact that even within a single country there are a multitude of viewpoints on a single issue.

well, since the zrys pointed out in the original post that these people who were offended had invited themselves and then were offended that they could not stay, zrys is in no was a host, gracious or otherwise.  i actually found zrys to be extremely generous to offer to pay for hotel accommodations for some of these people.

Reason

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Re: When visitors take offense that they cannot sleep here.
« Reply #44 on: April 19, 2012, 10:36:18 AM »
I was actually only responding to magician's post that to me reads like "This is the way we do things here and if you don't like it, you can stuff it." This goes against everything etiquette and hospitality stand for.

The problem is, a guest is a guest. Even if you don't like them but you agreed to let them visit, then you assume responsibility for being hospitable. If you do not want them to visit that should be stated up front. There is a fine line here, because zrys never told them not to visit, but instead imposed conditions on their stay.

Invited themselves is an interesting term, especially considering they never came. If I call my dad and say "Hey, I am in town next Saturday, can I stay at your house before I fly out." I am inviting myself, yes. But I guarantee you he would be far more offended if I didn't ask to stay at his house and instead stayed at the hotel and he later found out about it.

I had a friend stay at my house recently, who for some reason didn't like sleeping in beds. I think it was because of his days in the army. In response, I didn't tell him a bed is all I got, that's how we do things in my house, deal with it. I took the bed apart and moved it out of the guest room, so he could sleep on the floor for the duration of the stay. That's the sentiment I am trying to get at.