Giving them a chance vs. leading them on

[Reason]

As a guy, I have never been asked to "give her a chance". Of course I've always done the asking.

Maybe things are different now.

[DuBois]

Carrie sounds a bit like my best friend, though in my friend's case she's come to the realisation that she doesn't want to be dating someone she doesn't already have a crush on. She's had more than a few relationships where she was 'hmm, maybe' but always ended up breaking it off after a few dates due to just not feeling it. So she's recently decided that even if it means she'll be single for a long time, she wants to wait for a really strong interest.

I'm like that, as well (I'm lucky enough to be in a wonderful relationship) I tended to find that with people I liked but didn't feel romance for, romance did not develop later, so I didn't want to waste time. Some people are just more definite about these things-I'm an 'in love at first sight or not at all' type. Our type tends to get some flack, and I admit I have been very lucky. But ultimately, it is no worse than being slower to make up your mind, everyone is different.

[Editeer]

You are not obligated to "give him a chance" if you don't want to. No one is ever obligated to "give someone a chance" romantically. I hate the attitude that someone owes anyone a date--that if a woman doesn't want to go out with a guy (because she just isn't interested in him), she's being mean or snobby or female-dog-ish. Or that she should be so pathetically grateful that a MAN, any man, asked her out, that she must of course say yes.

However, as PPs have said, sometimes you don't feel anything particular for a guy but you might get interested if you get to know him a little better--the "unsure that could become a yes." That could be thought of as "giving me a chance" (a chance to warm up to someone new), or even "giving us a chance" (to see if we have a spark).

In that case, it's fine to go out a few times to see if anything develops.

When you reach the point where you are sure you aren't interested--then no more dates. If you reach that point the second you lay eyes on a guy, oh well. 

[Sophia]

Well, there is a down-side to being the slower to make up your mind person.  My DH and I met through Matchmaker.com.  I had a harder time narrowing the field.  With my husband, I liked him when we met, he made me laugh and the first kiss was amazing.  But, until I fell in love a little over 6 months later, I wouldn't have cared if he'd just stopped calling. 

[blarg314]

1) She falls in love with a man (eg a friend, acquaintance, co-worker, etc).
2) The man notices her and asks her on a date
3) The man realises that he loves her too.
4) They get married and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, there's also

2) The man doesn't notice
2) The man isn't attracted to her
2) The man is already in a relationship
2) He's not into women
3) The date doesn't go well, and he doesn't ask her out again
3) He's using her crush because he likes the attention, but isn't serious about her
4) He's interested in her, but turns out to be total jerk
4) The crush wears off and she realizes she's not interested any more
4) They date for a long time, but he doesn't propose

So basically, if you're passively waiting for a perfect 1-2-3-4 sequence, it could take a very long time.

[Raintree]

if physically he sends a revolted shudder through your system the relationship is never going to work.)

Too funny, you made me laugh. I know the "revolted shudder" and it it's there, it's NEVER going to change.

[LifeOnPluto]

1) She falls in love with a man (eg a friend, acquaintance, co-worker, etc).
2) The man notices her and asks her on a date
3) The man realises that he loves her too.
4) They get married and live happily ever after.

Consequently, Carrie doesn't date anyone whom she doesn't fancy like mad, first.

I see her point, as this is how I used to think it should work. However, that was back in my teens, and I soon discovered that dating a man you quite like can work just as well. (I also learned that, no matter how much you like the guy, if physically he sends a revolted shudder through your system the relationship is never going to work.)

Unfortunately, Carrie is 30, and doesn't seem to have come to this realisation yet. And it's worse, because she would never dream of asking a guy out herself - even the ones she fancies. To her, asking for a date is a "guy thing" not a "girl thing".

1) She falls in love with a man (eg a friend, acquaintance, co-worker, etc).
2) The man notices her and asks her on a date
3) The man realises that he loves her too.
4) They get married and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, there's also

2) The man doesn't notice
2) The man isn't attracted to her
2) The man is already in a relationship
2) He's not into women
3) The date doesn't go well, and he doesn't ask her out again
3) He's using her crush because he likes the attention, but isn't serious about her
4) He's interested in her, but turns out to be total jerk
4) The crush wears off and she realizes she's not interested any more
4) They date for a long time, but he doesn't propose

So basically, if you're passively waiting for a perfect 1-2-3-4 sequence, it could take a very long time.

POD to this.

[DaDancingPsych]

Here are my feelings. There is nothing wrong with giving someone a chance. I never thought that my current BF would be a match for me. It wasn't until I gave him a chance and had a real conversation with him that I realized just how super awesome he is! I have had the "love at first sight" and then, in this case, I have seen "love grow", so I think it can happen either way.

I think the important thing is be as sensitive to your date's feelings as possible. If he seems to be more interested in this relationship than you, then it's time to be honest and let him know that you just are not feeling it. And certainly, anything after a date or two is no longer giving someone a chance. If feelings were going to develop, they would have by then.