Easter dinner? Invite your Ex! (long) - new update #53

[MacadamiaNut]

OP, I agree w/ etiquetteE that you should not say the word "sorry" in your email.  It implies you're apologizing and you have nothing to apologize for. 

I personally wouldn't waste any words re-explaining why you can't make it or explaining in detail why the idea of agreeing on the date is important.  This stuff is all quite obvious. 

Then again, it's your situation and you know best and really what you have written is fine too.  My only worry with it is if she takes some sort of immediate offense to it and/or takes the stand that she is the "host", therefore dictating the date of events is her choice and nobody else's, yada yada yada... then you're right back in drama-llama-land. 

I'd let her ask the question if it's important to her vs. giving her an answer to a question she didn't ask (i.e. how can I make this better? <--- yeah that.  she didn't ask that).  In fact, she has clearly chosen to forget this was a problem for you in the first place.  "I don't know how that works for you, but wanted to let you know what I know at this point."  Oh, give me a break!  I can't even find a word to describe how ridiculous this is.

I'm sorry your mom is like this, OP and I hope things get better or at least bearable.

[JoyinVirginia]

I just want to say, I think it is very cool that you and dh invited ex over on Easter. It is great for kids when their divorced parents get along!

[Coley]

OP here. Thank you for the replies about my possible response to my mother. I went back and forth about the "sorry" part of my response. I was thinking along the lines of it being sort of a typical thing one might say when declining an invitation. Several of you have made good points about avoiding that in this case. This isn't the typical decline of an invitation. No, I'm not really sorry, so it's probably better not to imply that I feel that way.

I do feel inclined to self-advocate that she should consult with me equally before setting dates, and I also agree with PPs who suggest it might be ineffective regardless. I'm weighing whether I want to go down that drama road with my mother. On one hand, I feel it needs to be said. On the other hand, it could open up a can of worms, and I have doubts about whether she'd hear me. The question is whether I'd feel better for having said it even though it might not change anything.

[Jones]

I think you're going to get drama from your mother sometime, whether it is now or later. Why not tackle it now and try to nip it before you get any more flack in the future? Even if it doesn't work, you tried, and hey...it might work.

I too want to say it's awesome that you felt comfortable inviting your ex to Easter. It really is pleasant for kids of divorced parents to see those parents getting along.

[jedikaiti]

OP here. Thank you for the replies about my possible response to my mother. I went back and forth about the "sorry" part of my response. I was thinking along the lines of it being sort of a typical thing one might say when declining an invitation. Several of you have made good points about avoiding that in this case. This isn't the typical decline of an invitation. No, I'm not really sorry, so it's probably better not to imply that I feel that way.

How about "It's a shame/pity that..." instead of "I'm sorry that..."?

[Coley]

Update: I spoke with my brother early on Tuesday and let him know that we would not be able to be at my mother's house this weekend. I explained (again) that it is a conflict with DS's schedule and that we have some other things going on that make getting together on Saturday difficult. He said he already knew that the conflict with DS's schedule was a problem and that he understood why we couldn't make it. We agreed we'd get together another time. I don't sense any stress there.

I e-mailed my mother on Tuesday after I spoke with my brother and let her know we would not be able to attend on Saturday. I used a combination of suggestions that PPs provided. As several PPs suggested, I left out "sorry." I did say that I had already indicated that this weekend was not a good time because it conflicts with DS's schedule. I told her that I'd already spoken with my brother about the situation, and he understands. I said that I hope they have a good visit. I also included a sentence stating that in the future it would be helpful if we could all discuss possible weekends for get-togethers so that everyone can weigh in on the planning. The last portion of my e-mail provided my mother with a list of dates of DS's upcoming choir concerts so she could attend. (He sings in three choirs, all of which have spring performances scheduled.)

Then I e-mailed Ex and let him know what's going on. I asked him not to let her disrupt his schedule with DS this weekend. I also asked him to let me know if she contacts him about this.

As expected, my mother has not replied. If she were okay with my e-mail, I believe she would have replied right away. And this is where we stand right now. I'm guessing that I will not hear from her until sometime next week if she plans to attend the first of DS's concerts.

[Minmom3]

OP, to quote another thread somewhere here, "when you make plans without me, you make plans without me!"  If your Mom insists on making plans using only your brother's dates, then she really can't be surprised when, inevitably, you can't always accommodate those dates.  Too bad, so sad, Mom will get over it, or not.  You should feel absolutely no guilt at refusing to ALWAYS give in and shuffle things around to suit them.

Also, my own mother carried on at holidays my entire childhood.  I have very few memories of holidays where she didn't creat a scene, and I don't cherish those memories.  I resent the hell out of the fact that she couldn't see (or care) how upset and angry and sad she made every body else feel - over and over again.   IMO, it is extremely important to protect your son from that kind of behavior.  You might be surprised (or not!) to find that he already would rather limit his contact with his grandmother, and would be perfectly happy to see his uncle and cousins separately, with less baggage and drama attached to the day.

[Coley]

OP, to quote another thread somewhere here, "when you make plans without me, you make plans without me!"  If your Mom insists on making plans using only your brother's dates, then she really can't be surprised when, inevitably, you can't always accommodate those dates.  Too bad, so sad, Mom will get over it, or not.  You should feel absolutely no guilt at refusing to ALWAYS give in and shuffle things around to suit them.

Also, my own mother carried on at holidays my entire childhood.  I have very few memories of holidays where she didn't creat a scene, and I don't cherish those memories.  I resent the hell out of the fact that she couldn't see (or care) how upset and angry and sad she made every body else feel - over and over again.   IMO, it is extremely important to protect your son from that kind of behavior.  You might be surprised (or not!) to find that he already would rather limit his contact with his grandmother, and would be perfectly happy to see his uncle and cousins separately, with less baggage and drama attached to the day.

I saw that thread with the bolded above, and I love that line! I'm tucking it away for future use. Minmom3, I'm sorry that your holidays were like that, and I understand how you feel. I think feelings of resentment would be natural. You mentioned how my DS feels about missing out on time with his grandmother. When we told him that we weren't going to see her last weekend over Easter, he was fine. I was a little concerned that he might be upset because we typically are there on Easter, and he's begun to recognize certain activities as being our holiday traditions.

I'm not sure what DS thinks of Grammy. She doesn't engage him on a personal level. Her interactions with most people tend to be superficial. It's more production value than genuine connection.

DS is enjoying this weekend with his dad. He had a friend over to play yesterday, and they went to a surprise party last night. He's going to a movie with his dad this afternoon. This is what happens when my family makes plans without us. Our lives go on without them.

[Coley]

As I predicted, my mother waited until last night to reply to my e-mail. She said, "We did Easter II this weekend with (brother's) kids; they hadn't been for a visit since Christmas."

This is a one-sentence response to the fact that DS couldn't be there this weekend and the fact that the get-together was planned without us. DS also hasn't been there since Christmas. My read of that sentence is that their plans were perfectly fine because the other kids hadn't been there since Christmas. I would love to respond with, "Your excuse doesn't make any sense" or "It's too bad that you overlooked DS in your planning." However, it seems pretty clear that it doesn't matter.

I will share this with DH and Ex, of course. I think it is clear that DS needs to be protected from this nonsense.

[doodlemor]

....... I think it is clear that DS needs to be protected from this nonsense.

Sad, but so very true. 

I'm glad that you are not going to let the toxic behaviors affect another generation.