Author Topic: Our house, their party Update #20  (Read 5850 times)

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suekel

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Our house, their party Update #20
« on: April 09, 2012, 02:52:14 PM »
My husband has a nephew who has twin sons who will graduate High School in May.  While their parents house is very large and lovely, their outdoor space is very limited.  We, on the other hand, have a nice, moderate sized house on acreage, so plenty of outdoor space.  Our house used to belong to my husband's parents, so over the years there have been many, many family gatherings held there.

We heard that nephew and his wife were struggling to decide what to do for their sons' graduation party, so we offered use of our yard/home.  They were thrilled with the offer and are planning a mostly outdoor party, for which they intend to provide all of the food, paperware, set up and clean up, etc.  Because the party is at our home, we will of course be doing some work in terms of having the yard mowed and ready, the house clean, we are going to provide use of some tables and chairs that we have, and my husband is providing beer since he works in that industry.  But that is, in my understanding, the extent of our contribution.

In speaking with my niece in law I was very clear that I consider this their party, and that I don't intend to be butting in trying to control things.  She in turn offered to run everything by me to make sure we don't have issues with any of their plans. (ie:  she'd like to hang some outdoor lights from our trees, I am fine with that.)  She and I seem to be on the same page with things.

The other night my husband and I were discussing the party and he mentioned a few of his friends that were looking forward to it.  I was very surprised and told him that we should not be inviting anyone, as it technically was not our party.  He disagreed, and said that since it was at our house, and we would be doing quite a bit of work to prepare for it, that he was entitled to invite whomever he wanted.  I pointed out that nephew and niece are paying for the food, and probably don't want to pay extra to feed our friends, but he brushed this off.  We were starting to argue, and were in public, so I just bean-dipped for the time being.

My question is, who is right here?  I feel that the guest list is entirely up to them, and that while they probably would not mind if 1 or 2 of our friends who they have met before attend, we really should not be inviting anyone.   Knowing my niece and nephew, I think he would not care, but she may be irked by guests she did not intend to host, although she would never say anything to us about it.

Modified to add:  This is a family party with aunts, uncles, cousins etc, not a party for the kids to host their teenaged friends, if that matters.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2012, 01:40:13 PM by suekel »

Deetee

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2012, 02:55:41 PM »
Do the friends have a connection to the nephew and his kids?

If so I think it's more OK (but husband should talk to nephew).

When family member provide space for other family based events, it really isn't like renting a venue.

NyaChan

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2012, 02:57:07 PM »
I think you are in the right here.  You and your husband offered them your house as a venue - you aren't technically the hosts, so the guest list is not up to you.  I especially think this is the case considering the nature of the party - it is a graduation party held to honor the twins.  There is no reason to be inviting people who I assume have no connection or desire to celebrate the accomplishments of the two kids. 

Still, if your husband won't budge on this, I would definitely give nephew & wife a heads up so that they aren't surprised!

camlan

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2012, 03:11:46 PM »
Several years ago, my oldest brother and SIL hosted a wedding reception at their house for another brother, who had been married overseas so almost no one in the family could attend the wedding. I thought it was very odd that SIL invited all her neighbors, who had never met, and in some cases never heard of, my newly married brother. It just was weird to have complete strangers to the family at what was a mostly family celebration--75 members of my extended family and 6 close friends of the newly wed brother. And then 25 neighbors only my oldest brother and SIL knew.

So I'm with the OP--while the party may be at her DH's house, it is not his party to invite people to. If he really feels the need to invite these friends, he needs to let the actual hostess, the niece, know. And he needs to let the friends know that it is a party in honor of people they have never met. And it is a graduation party, so I don't know if DH's friends would feel the need to bring a graduation present or not.

I know I would feel all kinds of awkward if neighbors invited me to a party and it was in honor of someone I didn't know, with a guest list of mostly people I'd never met or heard of. I'd feel like an outsider and leave as soon as I could.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


NotTheNarcissist

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2012, 03:21:58 PM »
This may be over-simplified but I am a simple girl. IMO, Whomever is paying the majority of the food costs gets to determine the guest list. I side with you on this one. I hope your hubby can see it from the money angle; money is the fastest language to my own DH's heart.

WillyNilly

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2012, 03:34:29 PM »
I absolutely think your DH is wrong, wrong, mean, wrong.  Either you are hosting or you are not.  And if you are not you do not get to control the guest list!  Sounds to me like you offered the space as a gift... and now your husband is laying claim to the gift.

Its sort of akin to buying someone a DVD player and then saying "great lets set it up right now and watch all my shows!"  If your DH wants to throw a party for his friends he should do so, he shouldn't weasel in on your niece and nephews party.

suekel

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2012, 03:40:40 PM »
Thanks for the replies.  I knew I was right.  :P

Do the friends have a connection to the nephew and his kids?


Not really.  Nephew would know them through golf games or happy hours, but they would not really know the kids.

I'll talk with my husband again.  Sometimes he likes to say stuff just to rile me up, hopefully this was one of those times.  He is usually not a boor or a jerk, so it's hard for me to believe he really thinks this would be ok.   

kudeebee

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2012, 05:44:27 PM »
This is not your party.  You and dh have volunteered to let niece and nephew use your house/yard to host their kids graduation party.  So your dh should not be inviting anyone to the party.

blarg314

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2012, 04:15:52 AM »

It's their party - you offered, and they agreed. Reasonably, anyone who lives in the house should be invited, along with any current houseguests, but you guys don't get to tack your own guest list on to the other.

If you were hosting the party for them (doing all the work, paying out all the money), you could technically invite your friends, but even then it would still be very odd to invite people who didn't know and had no connection to the guest of honour, simply because they like parties.

QueenofAllThings

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2012, 07:31:10 AM »
I understand husband's viewpoint ("I've done all this work!"), but he's wrong.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2012, 09:47:21 AM »
POD to all the others.  Your DH should not be adding his friends to the guest list.  If he didn't want to offer the gift of your home to his nephew then he shouldn't have. 

rose red

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2012, 01:11:29 PM »
I agree your DH shouldn't invite extra guests.  I *might* think it's ok if it was a general friendly BBQ and he chip in for the food, but not when the event is to celebrate a specific person.

wheeitsme

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2012, 02:51:15 PM »
<snip>

Sounds to me like you offered the space as a gift... and now your husband is laying claim to the gift.

<snip>

This.

suekel

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2012, 02:57:39 PM »
Thanks again to all for confirming what I believed.  I will bring this up with him again and stress to him that it is not our place to invite anyone to this party, perhaps I'll even suggest we plan another get together a different weekend at which we can host our friends.

If all else fails and I can't convince him, at the very least I'll give nephew and niece fair warning.  I don't expect it to come to that however.   I suspect he was just in a mood and being contrarian with me for the sake of it. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Our house, their party
« Reply #14 on: April 12, 2012, 12:05:27 AM »
even if you were partial hosts, you are hosting a party *for a guest of honor* (in this case, two guests of honor).

This is absolutely NOT a time to be hosting your own personal friends who do not have a connection to the guest of honor. That would be rude. Even if you were FULLY hosting it.