Author Topic: Hanging up on a cut direct  (Read 9578 times)

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MrTango

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Hanging up on a cut direct
« on: April 11, 2012, 06:23:15 PM »
Apologies in advance if this has already been discussed, but it came up today.

My Mom's Sister has, for as long as I have known her, repeatedly made very hurtful, disrespectful, and even racist comments (directed toward my nephew, no less).

Six years ago, I decided that I was done dealing with her.  I blocked her phone number on my cell phone, set up my email account to label her emails as spam, and blocked her on FB.

Long story short, Mom's Sister called me today (from her new cell phone).  As soon as I realized it was her, I hung up the phone and added the cell phone number to my blocked callers list.

What I wonder is: was silently hanging up the phone something that's going to cast me into EHell?

ETA - The whole conversation:

*Phone rings, I don't recognize the number*
Me: "Hello?"
Mom's Sister: "Hi, [my name]?  I got a new cell phone, and I wanted to make sure I had the right number for you."
Me: "Who's calling?"
Mom's Sister: "It's your aunt, [her name]."
*At this point, I hung up the phone*
« Last Edit: April 11, 2012, 06:28:12 PM by MrTango »

Mental Magpie

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2012, 06:31:38 PM »
Honestly, no, I don't think you were rude.  You would think she would have realized by now that you never answered/returned her calls in the past, so why would a new number change that.  I also think had you said anything she would have taken that as a sign that it was okay to call you and/or to keep talking.  I think you did the best you could.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Moray

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2012, 06:34:17 PM »
I really don't think you were rude. Sometimes hanging up is necessary. This was one of those times.
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Twik

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2012, 09:41:00 AM »
The Cut Direct is put in a category of "Normally Rude, but Necessary to Prevent Something Worse". It is certainly no worse than refusing to acknowledge someone in person. If she's bad enough to need to be blocked, hanging up is all you can do - otherwise, you teach her that if she works hard enough to get through to you, you can't get rid of her.
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Outdoor Girl

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2012, 11:32:42 AM »
IMO, you handled the situation perfectly.  If this person's previous actions were so egregious that you've cut them completely out of your life, you don't owe them courtesy.  And you have also sent a very clear message that you have no wish to speak to them ever again.
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MellowedOne

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2012, 07:11:44 AM »
I agree that hanging up on someone is sometimes necessary.  In fact at the company I used to work for we were trained to warn callers that were verbally abusive that if they continued we would be forced to hang up on them. It's one thing for a customer to be upset/angry over a situation and we could work with that, but abusive/foul speech was not tolerated.

In the OP's case, however I feel there was some unnecessary rudeness involved.  Apparently the Aunt was not even aware of the OP's feelings towards her; she still called the OP to give her the new number.  Why do that after 6 years of no contact? 

I think the OP's initial actions...taking steps to avoid unnecessary contact with Aunt was appropriate (although I always encourage conflict resolution, not avoidance).   However, I think the polite thing to do when the Aunt called would have been to thank her the update, then added the number to the blocked list   ;).  OP could have maintained her level of dignity--no need to even wonder if she was being rude--and Aunt would have had no cause to say OP was rude (because she is surely going to think it now.)

magician5

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2012, 01:46:42 PM »
let me preface this by saying that, although I take care not to offend needlessly, I'm not afraid to offend when I judge it advisable.

In this case, I might just mumble "I'm sorry" (meaning "sorry to have to be blunt") and then hang up (and quickly add that number to my blocked list).
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gramma dishes

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2012, 02:47:58 PM »
Actually, Mr. Tango, if you wrote the conversation verbatim here, at no time did you ever identify yourself!

She said:  "Mr. Tango?"  It was a question!

You did not acknowledge that that's indeed who you are!  So for all she knows she got the wrong number and the 'stranger' on the line did not wish to provide their name or any other information.

wolfie

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2012, 05:14:31 PM »
I agree that hanging up on someone is sometimes necessary.  In fact at the company I used to work for we were trained to warn callers that were verbally abusive that if they continued we would be forced to hang up on them. It's one thing for a customer to be upset/angry over a situation and we could work with that, but abusive/foul speech was not tolerated.

In the OP's case, however I feel there was some unnecessary rudeness involved.  Apparently the Aunt was not even aware of the OP's feelings towards her; she still called the OP to give her the new number.  Why do that after 6 years of no contact? 

I think the OP's initial actions...taking steps to avoid unnecessary contact with Aunt was appropriate (although I always encourage conflict resolution, not avoidance).   However, I think the polite thing to do when the Aunt called would have been to thank her the update, then added the number to the blocked list   ;).  OP could have maintained her level of dignity--no need to even wonder if she was being rude--and Aunt would have had no cause to say OP was rude (because she is surely going to think it now.)

It doesn't matter what the aunt thinks. The cut direct IS rude - that is why it is only reserved for extreme situations. There is no way you can pretend someone doesn't exist if they walk up to you politely. If aunt didn't know the OP was avoiding her, she does now. Although i wouldn't be surprised if she knew she was being ignored but decided to get in touch anyway.

Lynn2000

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2012, 06:27:47 PM »
I think this is the point of the Cut Direct, though--if the OP were at a party and Aunt walked to them and said, "Hey, I got a new cell phone! Let me give you the number," I presume the OP would walk away without responding, or otherwise completely ignore her. I think hanging up once the aunt's identity has been established is the phone equivalent.

And gramma dishes's point is interesting--I wonder if Aunt will just think she called a wrong number, who hung up on her. I'm not sure if the OP would prefer Aunt understand that she's been given the Cut Direct, or not.
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MrTango

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2012, 06:40:44 PM »
I think this is the point of the Cut Direct, though--if the OP were at a party and Aunt walked to them and said, "Hey, I got a new cell phone! Let me give you the number," I presume the OP would walk away without responding, or otherwise completely ignore her. I think hanging up once the aunt's identity has been established is the phone equivalent.

And gramma dishes's point is interesting--I wonder if Aunt will just think she called a wrong number, who hung up on her. I'm not sure if the OP would prefer Aunt understand that she's been given the Cut Direct, or not.

To the bolded: I'd like to think I would.  Fortunately, I haven't seen her since I decided to cut her off.  Anyone who can refer to my nephew as a "ratty little [n-word]" isn't my family at all.

Samantha

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2012, 07:59:15 PM »
Actually, Gramma Dishes, I can understand him not identifying himself. When I answer the phone and don't know who it is, I ask who they are before identifying myself or stating that whomever it is that they are asking for is/is not available.

That he said "who's calling?" instead of saying that he didn't know who Mr. Tango was, would be a pretty good indicator that she had reached the right number.

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MellowedOne

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2012, 09:26:40 PM »

It doesn't matter what the aunt thinks. The cut direct IS rude - that is why it is only reserved for extreme situations.


Responding 'like for like' seldom brings the consequences we want.  That brief pleasurable moment from 'putting someone in their place' fades quickly, leaving little of actual value in its place.


still in va

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2012, 09:50:12 PM »

It doesn't matter what the aunt thinks. The cut direct IS rude - that is why it is only reserved for extreme situations.


Responding 'like for like' seldom brings the consequences we want.  That brief pleasurable moment from 'putting someone in their place' fades quickly, leaving little of actual value in its place.

Mr. Tango has employed the cut direct to remove her from his life, not to put Aunt in her place.  there is a great deal of value in that.

gramma dishes

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Re: Hanging up on a cut direct
« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2012, 10:00:07 PM »


Mr. Tango has employed the cut direct to remove her from his life
, not to put Aunt in her place.  there is a great deal of value in that.


That's it exactly.  If anyone ever deserved the direct cut, this is it.  His life is much better for her not being in it.