Author Topic: How to politely close a first date when there's no chemistry?  (Read 5509 times)

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dearabby

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This is in regards to a blind date, specifically. Last week I met a guy for coffee. He was a nice person, and we had a good conversation, but at 35, he still lives at home with his parents & was not my type physically.

At the end of the date, he walked me a bit down the street. At this point, I was going to turn the corner to walk home & wanted to end the date, so I stopped and said "Well, it was nice meeting you"
He said something about "likewise - I'd really like to do it again"...
And I was at a loss for words. After a pause, I think I said "well maybe we could do that sometime". But I felt really bad, because it was kind of obvious and awkward.

What's a good way to put "You seem like a perfectly nice person, but I'm just not feeling it" without being too blunt or implying that there's more interest than there really is?

Outdoor Girl

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Re: How to politely close a first date when there's no chemistry?
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2012, 03:59:07 PM »
This is what I used the last time:

You seem like a great guy and I'm sure there's a great woman out there for you but it's not me.

It worked quite well; he wasn't offended and was almost relieved, I think, because I don't think he was feeling it either.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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Re: How to politely close a first date when there's no chemistry?
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2012, 04:07:24 PM »
Since this was a blind date, or in the case of an internet date, I think I'd take the passive way out and just say "hmmm, we'll see..." sort of letting my voice trail off as I stuck my hand out for a firm shake.  To me the handshake, vs a hug or kiss on the cheek (or more of a kiss) communicates pretty well to a guy that you're just not feelin' it.  Then if I needed to confirm the sentiment I'd do so via email or text later.

sweetonsno

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Re: How to politely close a first date when there's no chemistry?
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2012, 07:09:38 PM »
I don't think there's anything wrong with "You're a perfectly nice person, but I'm just not feeling it." It is perfectly tactful, so long as you don't just blurt it out randomly. It's a great response to the "I'd like to do this again, would you?" question.

If he doesn't ask, I think you're safe just not contacting him again. (I think it's okay to not follow up after one date or internet message if you aren't interested.) However, when someone specifically expresses an interest in seeing you again, I do think you should give them the courtesy of a straight "yes" or "no."

LifeOnPluto

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Re: How to politely close a first date when there's no chemistry?
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2012, 11:01:39 PM »
I don't think there's anything wrong with "You're a perfectly nice person, but I'm just not feeling it." It is perfectly tactful, so long as you don't just blurt it out randomly. It's a great response to the "I'd like to do this again, would you?" question.

If he doesn't ask, I think you're safe just not contacting him again. (I think it's okay to not follow up after one date or internet message if you aren't interested.) However, when someone specifically expresses an interest in seeing you again, I do think you should give them the courtesy of a straight "yes" or "no."

I also think this is a perfectly fine response.

The only danger is, if he asks "But WHY aren't you feeling it?" and starts probing you for reasons as to why you don't like him, etc. In that situation, I guess it's up to you as to how specific you want to be. Or if you simply want to say (kindly but firmly) something like "It's just a gut feeling that I'm very sure about."

kayesse

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Re: How to politely close a first date when there's no chemistry?
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2012, 12:42:31 AM »
POD other users.

I've used variations of this line -
"I think you are a lovely person but I dont think you are right for me (feel free to give polite reason - we are looking for different things, we are in different stages etc) and I dont want to waste your time. Best of luck finding someone who is better for you." 
I like this one because its polite without leading someone on and its also a nice way to end things. Sometimes the chemistry just isnt there and its not because they are a bad person or have done something 'wrong', and if he is a nice person (you wouldnt date him otherwise) he could become a friend if you both know that there is no chemistry there. 

greencat

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Re: How to politely close a first date when there's no chemistry?
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2012, 12:54:42 AM »
"We could hang out as friends sometime."  It communicates the message pretty well...

sweetonsno

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Re: How to politely close a first date when there's no chemistry?
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2012, 02:28:20 PM »

The only danger is, if he asks "But WHY aren't you feeling it?" and starts probing you for reasons as to why you don't like him, etc. In that situation, I guess it's up to you as to how specific you want to be. Or if you simply want to say (kindly but firmly) something like "It's just a gut feeling that I'm very sure about."

I think that if someone asks why you aren't feeling it, you can give them a straight answer. This is obviously a tough thing to do, and I do recommend asking them if they really want to know before you actually tell them.  Maybe the man (or woman) has been on several first dates but nobody wants a second date. If he or she is actually doing something wrong, I think it's kind to let them know. (If it's just a lack of chemistry on your end, then there isn't much anyone can do about it.) Obviously, some people don't really want to know; they just are upset that you're rejecting them.

However, if he does say or do something that you find really off-putting, I think it's fine to let him know after you have confirmed that he genuinely wants you to tell him. For example, "It made me really uncomfortable that you alluded to getting intimate with me the first time I met you." If he's been making off-color remarks with his dates and that is turning them off, now he knows that maybe he should stop. It could be something more subtle, too: "You know, you spent the entire time talking about yourself and didn't ever ask me anything about myself. It made me feel like you were trying so hard to impress me that you didn't want to find out who I was."

It takes a lot of guts to do that, though.

Reason

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Re: How to politely close a first date when there's no chemistry?
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2012, 01:44:22 PM »
"We could hang out as friends sometime."  It communicates the message pretty well...

I wouldn't say this because there are a number of men, admittedly clingy men,  who will interpret the phrase as a green light to call and hang out with the possibility of something romantic developing later on.

I don't think that's what the OP would have been trying to communicate.

Raintree

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Re: How to politely close a first date when there's no chemistry?
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2012, 03:15:16 PM »
"We could hang out as friends sometime."  It communicates the message pretty well...

I wouldn't say this because there are a number of men, admittedly clingy men,  who will interpret the phrase as a green light to call and hang out with the possibility of something romantic developing later on.

I don't think that's what the OP would have been trying to communicate.

I agree. Also maybe the OP doesn't want to be friends either. You can only be friends if friendship develops naturally. I've been in a similar predicament and someone suggested I just hang out with the guy as friends. I just didn't feel there was anything to base a friendship on either. I had enough friends, and I didn't want to see him again, period.

In the OP's situation I'd probably just say, "It was nice meeting you" and when he suggested doing it again, I'd say something vague like, "I'll have to see how my schedule goes." Then later I'd send an email thanking him for the date and saying, "You're a great guy but I don't think we're a match. Good luck with your search."