Author Topic: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07  (Read 7800 times)

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Hollanda

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My comments in red...

I was recently in my brothers wedding... We were all asked not to give gifts as their groomsmen suits and attire were far more then most.  Anyhow, it was her second... Still all the bells and whistles were to be taken out. A small shower (her second now!) was to be large (many of whom were invited did not attend) If it weren't for our large family no one would have attended. (I thought showers for second and subsequent weddings was frowned upon?)

Then the bachelorette party which they wanted to rent limos, go to dinner, then dancing at an expensive place of which we were to pay for. Well needless to say I declined. I know when accept we accept what ever the BRIDE wants. But when the plans change and the expense gets to 5 x what it should have and was said to be. I did contact the bride and let her know she may want to replace me (this was prior to getting the gowns). She said no way even after I let her know the expense was far more then what I had expected when I accepted, and let her know why. I did not want hard feeling on either end so I talked to them.

Well, come to rehearsal day, I knew the maid of honor would not be giving the bag of goodies that the bride should receive after wedding and honeymoon. So I took care of it along with a gift for her grandmother who had hosted all the parties (we paid for decorating and food) but she was so surprised and overwhelmed that someone actually thought to give the host a gift she cried. Bear in mind this is a family who is up to do and should know, expects it from others to them!

On the day of the wedding I gave only a card. We did receive wedding party gifts after dinner along with a cute and very thoughtful card. However, I guess I assumed that after the wedding all who attended were to be sent thanks again. They sent only thank you cards to people who gave at the wedding. I had asked a few others if they had received their card as I thought possible my honesty of not wanting or being able to spend the amount of money for limos and all had offended her after all. Not ONE of my family had received thank you cards. I finally got up the nerve to ask my brother about it and the holy wars started. She told him that he agreed they would send only to the ones who had given... and none of my family had. Now I was pissed!! My mother-in-law was invited and attended and I know she gives nicely! I know my sister gave! I gave a card & the gifts the maid of honor should have, purchased flowers to use at wedding made arrangements that she loved then was told they were too expensive and they went out and paid a florist to make arrangements using photos of what I made! Mine were cost @ approx. $5 for two.

I'm sorry but I'm completely insulted! I feel if people take time out to attend a formal affair like this whether they can afford or choose to give a gift, they should be thanked for attending and helping make their day so special. Their comments were, "Why should I thank them for coming and eating my FREE food, drinking my FREE beer!?" Wow. That is some incredible reasoning there!! They act insulted people attended some from hours away. Would it have hurt them to send thanks saying "Thank you for joining us on our wedding day, just being there with us meant so much!"
[/color]I totally agree with LW here. I find it just horrid to think there are some people out there to whom gifts mean so much that they are prepared to alienate family and friends.
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artk2002

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2012, 09:05:36 PM »
I was always under the impression that the reception was the thanks for attending, and that thank you notes were only required for gifts.
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Otterpop

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2012, 09:15:17 PM »
That's what I thought too.  Thank you notes were for gifts, not attending.  However, if someone contributed to the wedding, made something etc., they should receive a thank you.

Hollanda

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2012, 05:45:01 AM »
The attitude the HC gave was still pretty incredible. There was just no need for that, first wedding or not as in this case.

But the LW states that her sister gave a gift and received no thank you card either...unless I am reading that wrong.  And LW did purchase the gifts that her MOH should have done.  It wouldn't have been hard to send a thank you note, to thank her for the time and expense she spent on them.

I just wonder, did the LW actually hear the HC say those comments, or did someone else tell her that they said that?
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Perfect Circle

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2012, 05:55:59 AM »
I have no idea what the bag of goodies a bride should receive from the MOH is. No clue.

If the LW gave a present she absolutely should have received a thank you note.
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KarenK

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2012, 02:31:09 PM »
I have no idea what the bag of goodies a bride should receive from the MOH is. No clue.

If the LW gave a present she absolutely should have received a thank you note.

I'm going to assume by the writing style that the OP's first language is not English, so there may be cultural factors at play.

Mental Magpie

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2012, 08:27:06 PM »
That's what I thought too.  Thank you notes were for gifts, not attending.  However, if someone contributed to the wedding, made something etc., they should receive a thank you.

This.  It's not just that the LW didn't give a tangible gift, her gift was how much time and effort she put into the dingdangity thing!  That in itself deserves a thank you card.
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lollylegs

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2012, 09:01:08 PM »
On the day of the wedding I gave only a card. We did receive wedding party gifts after dinner along with a cute and very thoughtful card. However, I guess I assumed that after the wedding all who attended were to be sent thanks again. They sent only thank you cards to people who gave at the wedding. I had asked a few others if they had received their card as I thought possible my honesty of not wanting or being able to spend the amount of money for limos and all had offended her after all. Not ONE of my family had received thank you cards. I finally got up the nerve to ask my brother about it and the holy wars started. She told him that he agreed they would send only to the ones who had given... and none of my family had. Now I was pissed!! My mother-in-law was invited and attended and I know she gives nicely! I know my sister gave! I gave a card & the gifts the maid of honor should have, purchased flowers to use at wedding made arrangements that she loved then was told they were too expensive and they went out and paid a florist to make arrangements using photos of what I made! Mine were cost @ approx. $5 for two.

The LW received a thank you note for her services as bridesmaid, her beef is that she and her family didn't receive a TY note for attending.  As others have mentioned, it's not necessary.

I don't know, there's just something about this one that bugs me a little.  But, like KarenK said, I also get the sense that English isn't the LW's first language so it's very possible that there's some cultural etiquette transgression here.

Thipu1

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2012, 10:08:47 AM »
In my experience, TYs are sent for physical gifts, monetary gifts or gifts in the sense of time and effort.  Since this applied to everyone who attended our Wedding, the question was moot. 

Because many of our Wedding gifts arrived before the actual Wedding, people often received their TYs before they attended.

Winterlight

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2012, 12:00:08 PM »
I have no idea what the bag of goodies a bride should receive from the MOH is. No clue.

I was wondering the same thing.
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jmarvellous

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2012, 12:10:33 PM »
I have no idea what the bag of goodies a bride should receive from the MOH is. No clue.

I was wondering the same thing.

Me either.

Also, the bridesmaid's thank-you AND gift were perfectly acceptable in place of a mailed thank-you card!

I disagree that the letter writer had any right to ASK her brother WHY she didn't get a thank-you note. That's inappropriate even if she gave a $300 gift. You just let it lie.

MellowedOne

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #11 on: May 02, 2012, 07:04:02 AM »
Personally, I think the expectation of 'thank you's' has evolved into a relationship-straining experience.

Sure it's nice to get acknowledgement from the recipient that our time/effort/expense was appreciated.  But to get angry because we didn't get thanked?  Whether we realize it or not, doing so gives the impression that our generosity must acknowledged to be deserved.  The sincerity of giving from the heart is tainted by contingency.

I have to admit, from personal experience I get a bit irked when I don't receive any kind of acknowledgement for a gift..and to me verbal is just as good as written.  But it's a temporary, fleeting thought, dismissed as something of no consequence - it won't even hinder me from giving to that person again in the future.   To me the only real abuse of hospitality is when the recipient expects it of me.  That's an entirely different story.

Mental Magpie

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Re: A Dearth of Thank You Notes: From the archives ThankYouNotes0223-07
« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2012, 03:34:18 PM »
Personally, I think the expectation of 'thank you's' has evolved into a relationship-straining experience.

Sure it's nice to get acknowledgement from the recipient that our time/effort/expense was appreciated.  But to get angry because we didn't get thanked?  Whether we realize it or not, doing so gives the impression that our generosity must acknowledged to be deserved.  The sincerity of giving from the heart is tainted by contingency.

I have to admit, from personal experience I get a bit irked when I don't receive any kind of acknowledgement for a gift..and to me verbal is just as good as written.  But it's a temporary, fleeting thought, dismissed as something of no consequence - it won't even hinder me from giving to that person again in the future.   To me the only real abuse of hospitality is when the recipient expects it of me.  That's an entirely different story.

I agree that verbal is just as good as written...I actually prefer verbal because I get to actually hear the thanks/joy.  If I don't get thanked once by someone, it is fleeting, but I don't forget it.  When it becomes a pattern is when I stop giving as freely.
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