Uh, could you please move your kid? Update post 55

[Sharnita]

Out of curiosity, why did you find it so hard to say excuse me to the little girl? My niece is almost 3 and she knows what it means and what is expected of her.  In fact, if she ordered one of us to move we wouldn't and would gently correct her so she said "excuse me".  If this little girl is being trained to say "excuse me" she might be waiting for you to say the "right" thing becaus ethat is what she is being trained to do.

Great question.  Probably because I was scared to death the mother would flip out.

I think in the future I'd go ahead and say excuse me.  It might not accomplish anything. It might get results.  There is a slight chance the mom might flip out but there is actually a slight chance there might be a mom who flips out because you won't speak directly to her kid.

[Tilt Fairy]

Out of curiosity, why did you find it so hard to say excuse me to the little girl? My niece is almost 3 and she knows what it means and what is expected of her.  In fact, if she ordered one of us to move we wouldn't and would gently correct her so she said "excuse me".  If this little girl is being trained to say "excuse me" she might be waiting for you to say the "right" thing becaus ethat is what she is being trained to do.

Great question.  Probably because I was scared to death the mother would flip out.

I think in the future I'd go ahead and say excuse me.  It might not accomplish anything. It might get results.  There is a slight chance the mom might flip out but there is actually a slight chance there might be a mom who flips out because you won't speak directly to her kid.

Good point. I mean I know after all that its the sensible and logical thing to do and the majority of parents won't yell at you. I just generally pick not saying anything because it seems the less scary of the two evils even if isn't the most sensible of the two options.

And Roe, of course no. 90% of parents are great and not unreasonable. I just think its such a sensitive matter when it comes to children because you really really don't know which way it will go. I think its more the fact that some parents may see it as a slight on them. But I know its only a big deal because we make it a big deal. It shouldn't be an issue. I just don't think I could do it. It doesn't seem worth making the request to me for the 9/10 chance it would be ok with the parent. If personal experience, the stories of others on this thread, the stories I see in british newspapers and the tales I hear from friends had been a smaller %, I think I would talk to the child but at the moment, whilst the likelihood of getting shouted at isn't high at all, it's still enough of a possibility to me to just wait for the child.

[Tilt Fairy]

In fact OP, if you were interested at all, this topic is something that's often fiercely debated in internet forums. A google search of them might help with some techniques about how to talk to a child and make a polite request in a child-friendly manner.

[DottyG]

I've never, ever had any problem saying a quick "excuse me!" with a smile to get through a door like has been described. Maybe it's just where I live, but I've never even considered that a "parent will go off" on me - nor has one.

Why we would do differently with a child than we would an adult (merely saying "excuse me") frankly baffles me. I find that threads like this where posters are scared about angry parents kinda do baffle me. Parents really do that in some of your hometowns just for saying something (polite) to a child?

Edited to fix spelling error

[Instantkarma]

I've never, ever had any problem saying a quick "excuse me!" with a smile to get through a door like has been described. Maybe it's just where I live, but I've never even considered that a "parent will go off" on me - nor has one.

Why we would do differently with a child than we would an adult (merely saying "excuse me") frankly baffles me. I find that threads like this where posters are scared about angry parents kinda do baffle me. Parents really do that in some of your hometowns just for saying something (polite) to a child?

Edited to fix spelling error

maybe its regional (im assuming you didnt see post #5)

In fairness to the OP, I said "Excuse me" to a child blocking my path in the supermarket just the other day, and his parents acted like I was a crazed sociopath. The kid was dribbling a soccer ball through the produce department 

i myself was screamed at when i asked a 6(?) year old to please watch where he was going when he was skating/running around a department store  - he had those stupid heely shoes on and almost ran over my grandmother because he wasnt paying attention. (my exact words were "please be careful you almost knocked into my grandma") it was interesting that his mom didn't notice that he was almost knocking people over but she managed to hear me and start yelling at me about "who did i think i was" and "he wasn't hurting anyone"  yeah, ok lady.  we were already on our way out of the store so we just kept on walking

[oz diva]

In fairness to the OP, I said "Excuse me" to a child blocking my path in the supermarket just the other day, and his parents acted like I was a crazed sociopath. The kid was dribbling a soccer ball through the produce department 

yeah well they were right actually, how dare you interfere with the kids right to practice. He might be a soccer star in the making. 

[DottyG]

InstantK, I saw the post.  It must be regional (which is what I said in my post). That's scary that there are places where parents do that, though.

[Rohanna]

Yes but that's the difference I was trying to get at- you're correcting a child (rightly), by telling them not to run into people - the kind of parent who lets a kid do something obviously wrong like whip around in wheelie shoes or bounce a ball in a store is also the kind likely to be rude to you- I mean, kids learn by example typically- so you have to figure the parents might not be stars in teh etiquette dept. But a parent who's possible just having a brief moment of spacing out- like the one in the OP, is less likely to react to a mild "excuse me hun".


Take kids out of the picture. Who's more likely to over react- the woman you have to ask to stop talking on her cell phone in the middle of an opera, or the woman who you say "excuse me" to because she's slightly blocking the bathroom door while talking. The first is a deliberate flout of social norms (and therefore a person who doesn't care about being polite), the second is more likely to be the result of mild inattention (and therefore a person who might in fact, be embarressed to have inconvenienced you).

I have been the 2nd kind of parent accidently, but not the first, and I kind of resent that because the first kind exists, all parents get lumped together by some people.

[wolfie]

I have been the 2nd kind of parent accidently, but not the first, and I kind of resent that because the first kind exists, all parents get lumped together by some people.

You will have to take that up with the first kind of parent. I have no idea which one a stranger I encounter is going to be and I am going to play it safe if I feel unsure of the situation.

[Instantkarma]

InstantK, I saw the post.  It must be regional (which is what I said in my post). That's scary that there are places where parents do that, though.

i must have missed that - i saw your suprise but didnt see where you said you thought it was regional. i just assumed you missed the other post because of how suprised you were. my bad

[DottyG]

No prob!

[Rohanna]

I have been the 2nd kind of parent accidently, but not the first, and I kind of resent that because the first kind exists, all parents get lumped together by some people.

You will have to take that up with the first kind of parent. I have no idea which one a stranger I encounter is going to be and I am going to play it safe if I feel unsure of the situation.

I am curious then, do you not talk to any strangers regardless
Of social cues or context or is it just parents this extends to? What is it about the presence of children that makes is harder to judge the likelihood of crazy? Or do you avoid even the mildest of questions or request with everyone? I'm just having a tough time with why someone could say excuse
Me to an adult but not a child in the presence of that same adult.

[PeterM]

What is it about the presence of children that makes is harder to judge the likelihood of crazy?

I don't think it has anything to do with the likelihood of crazy, but it does affect the possible severity level of said crazy. The adults I've encountered, seen or heard of who get upset at being asked to do something eminently reasonable are annoying, and might create a scene, but even the worst I've heard of seem to be at least a full order of magnitude less crazy than the worst stories of parents who think they're defending their children from presumptuous strangers.

Then add in the fact that I'm an adult male. I've never been accused of interacting inappropriately with a child by a parent, but I know and know of people who have, and that's much more serious than anything you're likely to run into when dealing with an adult without a child. So yes, I'm more wary of dealing with kids and parents in this sort of situation than I am with just adults, and I don't see any particularly useful alternative.

[TootsNYC]

InstantK, I saw the post.  It must be regional (which is what I said in my post). That's scary that there are places where parents do that, though.

I don't buy this "regional" thing. People throw that around all the time, and it's just not even sensible.

[Danika]

I can see why someone would be hesitant to speak to a child and say "excuse me" even though they would say the same thing to an adult.

The difference is that an adult of normal intelligence would not be standing and obviously blocking a doorway and staring at you while you were waiting to pass. The child was doing so and that tells me that either the child was not old enough to comprehend that they were in the way, or they had not been taught that they were in the way. Either way, that problem is caused by the parent's lack of attention. The parent is responsible for blocking the doorway because the parent isn't teaching their child to be courteous and move.

That means that the task of telling the kid to be courteous and move is now falling to a stranger.

Now that I have children, I know better how to speak to them. But before I had kids, I didn't know how to interact with a child that I was not in charge of. How much explaining, yelling, pleading, smiling, cajoling or whatever tactic would it take to move a small child away? I didn't know. I didn't know how to guess a kid's age or ability to understand. And I'd really want to just tell the parent "Hey, slacker parent! Be more aware of your kid, because he's acting like a roadblock."

Now that I have children, I've learned that most attentive, thoughtful parents wouldn't have allowed that to happen for long and would have done their best to move the kid out of the way. My experiences now have taught me that the type of parent who allows their kid to be a roadblock, or to kick the back of your seat in the airplane, etc is not a thoughtful parent. Now, I look at the parent once. If they don't do anything, I do tend to say to the child what I would say to my own if they were doing something like that. I would say "excuse me. I need to pass. You need to move out of the way please."

But I didn't have any of those skills before I had kids. I naively assumed that even the most inattentive and special snowflake of parents would try to teach their kids to do the right thing and that I wouldn't have to take matters into my own hands and do their teaching for them.