General Etiquette > Family and Children
SO of stretching the truth/are you trying to humiliate me?
scansons:
My parents and I don't get along. One of the many reason is that DM has a tendency to stretch the truth until it screams and expects us to go along. To the point where her view of everything that happened in my childhood is highly fictionalized by her.
We've been living halfway across the country for the last decade. I haven't seen her much. Not at all in three yeas until my father had a heart attack last fall. Now we are moving within five hours again. As much as I don't want to see her, she will undoubtedly take the time to show up at certain public events. I can't keep her from showing up from time to time. The question becomes, how do I deal with her fictions?
For example. When introducing me to people she knows but I don't, she often goes on and on about what a great sense of style I have, and how I always could walk into Goodwill and make a wonderful outfit out of whatever I found on the racks.
Problems with this:
1) I'm a mom now. Often I am standing next to her in jeans and a t-shirt with jelly stains. Yes, I'm very stylish.
2)From the time I was 10 until I was a junior in High School, there were huge money problems in the family. This supposed talent I have, was developed after about three years of being tortured by class mates for wearing what she picked out for me. Think bellbottoms in the mid 80's. It was bad. And it was a very painful time for me. A fact she was well aware of. Until she started telling herself the story of how wonderful my talent for this always was.
3)Some of the thing she shares are not things I would share with strangers or are just not stories that she was even there for.
I need to be publicly gracious with her, but her fictions are making that very hard. Can I say something? To her? And what? When confronted before, she always acts like I'm crazy to be upset. What about to the people she has misled? I means sure, my supposed style talents are probably of no concern to anyone. But what if she misleads people about something important?
rashea:
I think you can say something, but I'm not sure it will have the result you want. I just can't see her letting go of the fictional life she's created.
I think you could ask her to stop talking about you, and be careful what you tell her that you'd rather not be passed on.
In front of people, "oh Mom, not again with that old story" might work to discourage her.
Teenyweeny:
Three possiblities immediately occur to me.
1) You could reframe your thinking. If I heard somebody say, "My daughter has a great sense of style", without knowing the backstory, I'd chalk it up as being one of those 'embarrassing mum' comments (right up there with 'my kid has a great job/is the top student in her year').
On the surface, it's a 'mum brag', and nothing more. It certainly wouldn't be something I'd give a second's thought, as a third party in the conversation.
2) If it makes you feel self-conscious, have a self-deprecating line ready. "Oh, mum...I wish I still had time to spend on putting outfits together. These days, I'm lucky if it's clean!" Say it with a smile and a rueful chuckle.
3) If it's something that's really bothering you, approach your mum privately.
"Mum, I wish you wouldn't share 'x' with other people. It makes me feel uncomfortable."
If she pushes: "Mum, please. It might seem silly to you, but it isn't to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I can't enjoy myself if I'm always wondering what you're going to say next."
scansons:
--- Quote from: Teenyweeny on April 16, 2012, 01:36:30 PM ---Three possiblities immediately occur to me.
1) You could reframe your thinking. If I heard somebody say, "My daughter has a great sense of style", without knowing the backstory, I'd chalk it up as being one of those 'embarrassing mum' comments (right up there with 'my kid has a great job/is the top student in her year').
--- End quote ---
See here is the thing. It's not just "my daughter has a great sense of style". It's like this.
Stranger I've just been introduced to: "Oh, So and So and I just went shopping for X. We had such a hard time finding anything we liked."
DM: You should take Scan along next time. Even when she was a little girl I could take her into the Goodwill and she'd have three or four outfits put together in no time at all. You couldn't even tell she'd been shopping at the Goodwill. I take her along whenever I shop (Hasn't been true in years). She's got such a good eye for what looks good on a person.
Stranger: That's nice.
DM: No I'm serious. She'll look at things I think look hideous on the hanger and when I put them on she's always right. I keep telling her that she should be a personal shopper. (Cue stranger starting to look uncomfortable. Like maybe they think I am desperate to shop with them.)
Stranger: Oh.
DM: There were so many people who thought we were just horrible having the kids shop at Goodwill when they were growing up. But really it saved us so much money, and Scan would never have know what a talent she had if she hadn't gotten to be creative like that. It was really the right thing to do.
Me: Oh Mom, have you tried the bean dip.
The kicker. I don't really even like to shop. My main concerns are comfort, and not sticking out to badly. Really.
doodlemor:
In one of Miss Manners' books she answered a question for a woman whose husband said embarrassing/angry things in public. She recommended using the phrase, "Whatever you say, Dear," followed by "We can discuss this later."
Perhaps some variant of this would work for some of the situations with your mother.
It sounds like she really pushes your buttons. You need to prepare massive doses of bean dip. Try to keep your interactions light, and maybe a bit detached at times. Would it help if you pretend to yourself that you are not related to her?
If she misleads people about something really important you will need to confront her privately, and stay calm if she displays anger at being caught.
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