General Etiquette > Family and Children

SO of stretching the truth/are you trying to humiliate me?

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scansons:
OP here!  Thank you for all the great advice.  I feel so much less alone now.  I do realize I'm probably over sensitive about this.  Partially it's because I'm basically a very private person.  And Mom is one of those people who will make up details if she isn't given them.  Sometimes even when she is given them.  And she seems incapable of keeping things to herself. 

Secondly, I have a deep seeded distrust of her.  I've watched her bold face lie about me and not been able to do one darn thing about it.  For instance, when Middle Sis and I were in high school, sometimes she'd come and pick us up, or we'd just be out running errands with her.  She would turn to us, and ask if we wanted a snack, or sometimes she'd just pull straight into a fast food place and ask us what we wanted.  We'd all order something.  Eat.  When we got home, if Dad saw the bags from the fast food restaurant, and got all over her about eating fast food when she was supposed  to be on a diet/ it wasn't good for her/  she had told him she wasn't going to eat fast food anymore, she'd would turn on us.  "Oh, the girls wanted something to eat."  or "The girls were hungry, I had to stop."   Then we would get yelled at even though, we hadn't asked for fast food, and we had often ordered no more than a drink.  And of course Dad would believe her over us.  While she stood there and watched, or if she had an ax to grind, she'd join in.  It didn't take long for MS and I to stop ordering fast food with her.  Still, if we didn't order, we were likely to get yelled at for not stopping her.  Cause the 13 and the 15 year old have control over the 40 year old. 

In so many other ways etiquette learned on this board has given me back control of my relationship with my parents.  It's been a big step for me.  Feeling like I can be in control of that relationship, and that people will believe me.  Will sometimes even believe me more because I'm not the one being rude.  I guess I'm just looking for away to feel in control of the public interactions too.  I'm seeing a lot of bean dip in my future.  Tubs and Tubs. 

Sophia:
It seems like your mother's stories have malicious intent rather than cluelessness.  In which case, I would be even more likely to call her on it each and every time. 

Cami:

--- Quote from: snowflake on April 16, 2012, 06:19:47 PM ---I read this hoping someone would have a good method of fixing it.  Confronting with the truth doesn't help.  Correcting doesn't help.  Bean dipping causes verbal blow-ups.  And refusing to agree with their delusions only results in vats of tears and "I just need my own family to be supportive." 
--- End quote ---

I am always perplexed by how many people that believe bean dip is some universal solvent that cleans up any messy situation. It most certainly does not. So thank you for pointing out that all the bean dip in the world will NOT WORK with some people like this and in fact can actually escalate the situation. With people like this, bean dip is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Nor will leaving the room work -- they follow you, getting louder and louder.


I'd agree that:
--- Quote ---My solution is to cut back on my interactions with the guilty parties.  Of course this is tricky if they are relatives and you want to spend time with OTHERS. 
--- End quote ---

With people who might come in contact with the Rewriter, I made it a practice to warn them ahead of time to take everything the Rewriter said with a grain of salt.  Forewarning is a powerful tool. Also, if I cannot avoid having the Rewriters tell the stories, I correct the version they told later, sometimes with the real story and sometimes with a, "I hope my Rewriter didn't give you the wrong impression. Unfortunately, s/he has a tendency to, shall we say, embroider the truth?" Then sigh, smile and leave it at that.

Lynn2000:

--- Quote from: scansons on April 19, 2012, 09:34:54 AM ---In so many other ways etiquette learned on this board has given me back control of my relationship with my parents.  It's been a big step for me.  Feeling like I can be in control of that relationship, and that people will believe me.  Will sometimes even believe me more because I'm not the one being rude.  I guess I'm just looking for away to feel in control of the public interactions too.  I'm seeing a lot of bean dip in my future.  Tubs and Tubs.

--- End quote ---

OP, I think this is great, especially the bolded. I can see how growing up with a parent who can't be trusted or respected could really make someone wonder how other adults/strangers are judging them, and whether they'll be believed over even simple things. IME, reasonable people don't take everything they hear, or everything they hear from someone's parent, as absolute gospel, especially if they know the person better than they know their parents.

I think it's a pretty common stereotype that parents might, in a mild and generally positive way, stretch the truth a bit about their kids, especially their adult kids whose day-to-day lives they aren't as involved with. And I think a lot of people have had the experience of a parent not understanding a choice they've made (and thus explaining it wrong to others), or seeing an event from the past differently than they do. In the cases mentioned here, this behavior is taken to an extreme; but I think most reasonable people would understand if the child later said, "Oh, my mom exaggerates a lot" or "My dad remembers things differently than I do." Anyone who said something like, "But you must be a good shopper, your mom said so, you just don't want to help me, do you?!?!" when someone tried to correct them later would be rude themselves (not to mention a little kooky).

And in a similar vein to LadyClaire: If an acquaintance started telling me a story about their child that made the child seem badly behaved, when the story happened years ago, and especially if the now-adult child was standing right there looking uncomfortable, I would be thinking--"This guy is being very rude. Why is he still angry about the chicken slippers twenty years later? That's weird and unsettling. And why is he telling me this with his daughter right here, clearly not finding it funny? This guy seems like a real boor." Honestly, the brattiness of a child years earlier would not be the behavior I was thinking about; I would be wondering if their parent has anger management issues, or was a little mentally unstable.

That's just my opinion, of course; and naturally there are going to be other rude people in the world who are more inclined to believe things said by a parent, or negative things about someone, or whatever things best play into their own worldview. Those people can be shut down with some of the great wording found elsewhere in the thread and on the site. :) And more reasonable people can easily be corrected if it comes up again--"Sorry, my mom was really exaggerating my skills," or "Actually I don't like doing it anymore, it brings back bad childhood memories," or "Since you mention it, that story is not in fact true, and it upsets me that my dad keeps telling it. I don't know what's wrong with him."

pierrotlunaire0:
My grandmother would do this sometimes (nothing malicious, but she was a frustrated writer and could embellish beyond all recognition, but they were great stories!).  My mother would pretend to zone out or not pay attention for the first few sentences, only to snap to, and exclaim, "That is so funny!  Who are you talking about?  Is it Kathy(my aunt and her sister)?"

Since my grandmother already had a reputation as a yarn spinner, the listener would usually laugh, but still enjoy the story.

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